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Mental Illness - Finding Purpose

Updated on March 14, 2013

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

Two years ago I suffered what would be a horrible mental breakdown. After surviving a suicide attempt it was determined by my doctors that I should quit my job of 8 years and apply for SSDI. At that time I had no idea the process would take as long as it would nor would I be left to pretty much be homeless if it wasn't for the help of my family during this time when I am unable to work any "real" paying job.

Over the last few months I felt myself loosing it again. My desire to live was gone. I felt I had nothing left to live for. What used to occupy all my free time, my job, was now gone and more often then not I spent days just staring at the wall with no one to talk to and nothing to keep me busy.

Around the beginning of November I finally found what I had been searching for. Something online that could keep me busy yet something that paid me via gift cards; therefore, it did not effect my disability. In this lense I will share with you the different websites as well as phone apps which I now use to supplement my income and feel like I once again have some purpose to my life.

I have included to the right a like to the RSS feed to my blog. You may also feel free to find me on Facebook as I'm always looking for new friends who share a BPD diagnoses another similar mental disorder.

What Is Life Like To Be Borderline?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a horrible condition that is extremely stigmatized in our society. Unfortunately, there is far less awareness of this specific mental illness then many other more common disorders such as Despression, Anxiety and Bi-polar Disorder just to name a few. To learn about BPD, I recommend the wonderful video below which explains BPD in a manor that those without the disorder will better understand this invisable disease...

A Quote I Will Never Forget

"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above."

- Gia Carangi

A quote from the movie "Gia." One of the most beautiful and successful models in the 1980's who was lived with not only borderline personality disorder but also HIV. Sadly she passed away in her early 20's from HIV but to this day her story lives on and people will continue to always find strength from her story.

Screaming Out In Silence

....Yet Never Being Heard

A strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars. - Carly Simon

Mind racing, dizzy, disoriented, light-headed, blurry vision, can't swallow, heart racing, trembling, sweating, hyperventilating, nausea, restless, the urge to run, and overall an overwhelming feeling of fear and dread that seems to come from nowhere. My life is in total chaos at the moment.

I hate people who broadcast their mental illness, telling all and sundry. I do not want attention. I want honesty. I want to make people aware of borderline, in the only way I know possible; writing. But most of all, I want to be honest with myself, and realize that this is something I shouldn't be hiding. It's something I should be accepting of.

All I ever wanted was someone who could validate who I am. Who understands what makes my heart pound. Who loves me unconditionally. What I saw in their eyes is none of this. The light I mistook for approval and validation was the narcissistic glow of how I could make their life work better and how they can use me to further their agenda.

My life has been saturated with narcissists who I had surrounded with endless praise and devotion. Receiving nothing but loneliness, grief not to mention a lost life. One day not long ago I came to myself and knew it was time to start living life on my own terms. In truth, I am not complaining. I have traveled this path to soul healing long enough to know that, as an adult' 'I' had created the mess I found myself in with my freewill and 'I' would have to cooperate with myself to get me out of it using the same freewill.

Not an easy trip. As I set out to learn I soon discovered that there is no quick, painless fixes. But as usual even the decision to learn caused a great light to appear on my path as books, articles, FB Blogs, people and insights apparently just happened my way. I somehow stumbled upon different websites that were made for people like me, those who could not work and needed so desperatly something to do to occupy their time. I have to say these websites have completely changed my life. Not only do I feel like I have a reason to wake up in the morning but with all the updates these sites make on a daily basis they keep me busy throughout the entire day.

Here I will share what I have felt has given me some type of normal life back. I hope these websites, books and other things I have found over the year can help you as much as they have helped me.

Lay My Down...

Written: December 22, 2011

Lay Me Down

In the night I sit alone

Lifeless to the world I know

Faith lost long ago

In this graveyard I'm calling home

Carved into the stone

A diary of broken bones and

Words I should've known

But this grave's too deep to ever make it up

I'd do anything, anything

Just to feel like I could reach the ground

I'd do anything, anything now

To spread these wings somehow

I scream these words so loud

But they never make a sound

In the night I sit alone

The stars rain on the world below

Beg me to explode

But these dreams I keep are nowhere to be found

I'd do anything, anything just to stop

This weight from pressing down

I'd do anything, anything now

To spread these wings somehow

I scream these words so loud

But they never make a sound

I'm alive

But I'm barely breathing now

So place my heart under the ground

Lay me down I'm alive

But I'm barely breathing now

Drag my lungs into the ground

Lay me down

Deep enough so that I'll never feel again

Far beneath any chance at breaking skin I'm giving in

All the promise of smiles and happiness

That's a dream I'm not willing to admit

Finding The Meaning To My Life

I believe our greatest need in life is to be loved. Sometimes it doesn't matter who it comes from as long as we feel wanted in some small way. All through life we struggle to belong. Many times we get involved with the wrong crowd because our desire to fit in is so strong. Feeling unloved, unwanted, or completely alone is the hardest thing I've ever went through.

I think I need to learn to cope with myself a bit better. It's like I've been doing everything to avoid being alone, and now it's been forced upon me. I'm scared of myself, and how I'm thinking and feeling. And now there's no-one physically here to distract me, or to dilute me. I don't think I feel anything. I know when to be sad or happy but I don't really have the emotion.

I don't know where my mind is in this world anymore. In fact I'm not sure where I am going anymore. The world is a big, large place and currently I'm scared of it. I feel like I've been running for years and I just can't run anymore. I tried to stay ahead of it somehow but it's all too big and it crashed over me. I thought that I could just keep running and get away from all that had hurt me. But I ran out of steam I guess and it all caught up with me. The hurt and the fears and the anxiety and the absolute sense of being completely alone were all back. It all came back and I was left emotionally knocked down thinking what the hell do I do now to get myself out of this? How do I stay sane to the rest of the world when inside I'm filled with fear? Why can't I just keep these images out of my head?

I'm so hopeful that this will all becomes easier at some point. I'm tired of crying about all of this. I'm tired of crying for no reason at all. I'm so sad and then I feel enormous guilt about being sad because most people would look at my life and wonder what I have to be so sad about. The past is standing in my way and I have to find the strength to just get beyond it all. And I'm trying. I'm really, really trying.

"Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before."

And this line says it all to me. The past scares me but so does the present because I'm facing it all. And I don't know who I am right now or where I'm going or how I'm going to come out of all of this. I'm scared out of my mind. I worry this is how I'm going to be forever because honestly, I can't even remember the old me. I don't even know who she is anymore. This all washed over me and I've been trying desperately to come up for air ever since.

How do I let go of the pain of my past but still use it to help others? How do I lay it down and not let it affect me negatively but then pick it up when necessary and share it with others so that it might affect them positively. I'm still in the process of figuring this out.

Learning To Live

When I first learned after 13 years that I had Borderline Personality Disorder I literally scoured the internet in any way that I could to not only learn as much as I could about the disorder but try to find others who also had the condition. I knew something needed to change. They had told me it was a miracle I had woken up and I knew then I was going to do everything in my power to try to help others since it was that lack of help that caused me to attempt suicide. I have had the privledge to get to know people from all over the world with BPD - even traveling to Switzerland last year to meet my good friend Stephanie, someone who also shares a BPD diagnoses.

Though I had been writting in personal diaries for years, I decided it was time to share some of my personal experiences with others in the hope that it would touch them in a way where they would not feel as alone. I worked to type of many of my entries and to this day I will at random times add a new entry but what I believe has helped the most people are the three photo albums I have made on Facebook regarding anything and everything like is like for someone who is living with a mental illnesss. I can't tell you how many people have contacted me regarding these photo albums and told me for the first time they didn't feel alone. It is truly times like that which I feel I didn't die for a reason - maybe I am here to help others find that light I was not able to find in time before it was too late.

If anyone is interested in viewing my photo albums on my Facebook profile, a link to each album can be found below. If anyone would like to tag themselves in any of these photos, please feel free to send me a friend request and I will be happy to approve your tag request.

Does Anybody Hear Her?

One of my favorite songs...

How I Make It Through Each Day

For anyone in similar shoes, going from a great paying stable job of over 8 years to not working at all was in itself life changing for me. What would I do with all my free time? What did I have as a reason to wake up in the morning? These questions plagued me for over a year and it was only in the past few months I have found something that I finally feel not only uses the brain I felt I was loosing to inactivity, but also is something I find quiet enjoyable.

For me, I am in that long process of applying for SSDI which means that not only can I not work any "real" job, the potential waiting list for approval can take years. As I've mentioned I am blessed to have the help of my family right now because without them I truly would be living on the streets. I can't remember how I came upon these websites, but coming from a background of 8 years working in eCommerce Operations, I knew immediatly I had found **MY** reason to wake up. Not only do these websites give me something to look forward to, they reward me with points which in turn I can use towards gift cards or prizes. I won't mention these websites here but feel free to look over my other lenses if you are interested in signing up for these wonderful websites

Please know I am always here to answer any questions you may have so please don't be afraid to contact me via Facebook or on here if you have any questions at all.

Valerie's Letter

This video and these words go out to you, as if said personally by me.....

"I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and things get better.

But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, kiss you, I love you, with all my heart

....I love you"

Life Will Always Be A Struggle, But These Books Truly Touched My Heart

What Are Your Thoughts?

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    • moneymaker1008 profile image

      moneymaker1008 4 years ago

      My sister has BPD and reading this made me cry. She is still surrounding herself with these horrible people (I would definitely call them narcissists as you've said, since they try to take advantage of her need for approval.) I hope someday she can develop the insight that you have. Thank you so much for sharing!

    • goldenrulecomics profile image

      goldenrulecomics 4 years ago

      Thanks for sharing. You show a lot of courage.

    • Dave Lynch profile image

      David Edward Lynch 4 years ago from Port Elizabeth, South Africa

      Thanks for your writings, I've had some problems with depression and my health at times.

    • Jefff Molnar profile image

      Jeff Molnar 4 years ago from New Jersey

      Thank you for sharing this lens with us. SquidAngel Blessings.

    • XxSadieLadyxX profile image
      Author

      XxSadieLadyxX 4 years ago

      @Nightcat: I dd take medications - for 13 years, over 60 different ones or so and they have left me not only with this mental illness but now also permanently physically disabled as well. Psychiatric medications truly did almost kill me and I have come to accept this life as it is, drug free, rather then miserable and dying a slow and painful death watching my health get worse and worse like I was. I highly recommend you go to youtube.com and watch the video "Define Better" by Big Pharma. I honestly couldn't stand behind the lyrics to this song anymore...

    • RosaMorelli profile image

      RosaMorelli 4 years ago

      Such a difficult time for you; I hope things get better and easier for you soon.

    • bushaex profile image

      Stephen Bush 4 years ago from Ohio

      A moving and personal account that is sure to help others. SquidAngel blessings.

    • Faye Rutledge profile image

      Faye Rutledge 4 years ago from Concord VA

      Thanks for sharing this.

    • Nightcat profile image

      Nightcat 4 years ago

      Wonderful lens! I'm wondering, have you been on any of your meds too long? Seriously, I had to wean myself off my depression medication (told the doctor!) because I was numb inside and couldn't feel anything. Yeah, it is therefore a struggle at times, but at least I can feel again. Blessed! :)

    • Paul Ward profile image

      Paul 4 years ago from Liverpool, England

      There are a few lenses, deep and personal, that denmand a Blessing. This is one of them.

    • siobhanryan profile image

      siobhanryan 4 years ago

      Absolutely brillant and I returned to Bless

    • kimark421 profile image

      kimark421 5 years ago

      Awesome lens. Thank you for sharing a such a personal story,

    • profile image

      dream1983 5 years ago

      Thank you for sharing this lens, great job!

    • siobhanryan profile image

      siobhanryan 5 years ago

      Great lens on BPO. I believe you can educate people to understand mental illness by sharing.

    • Lady Lorelei profile image

      Lorelei Cohen 5 years ago from Canada

      Your story of survival is an inspiration to others who follow in your early footsteps. We are all different, which is what makes us so very wonderfully unique, we just need to all realize how very special we truly are in our own special way. Best of wishes and many blessings to you.

    • greenmind profile image

      greenmind 5 years ago

      a serious and thoughtful lens. I hope you find everything you are looking for.

    • Zut Moon profile image

      Zut Moon 5 years ago

      Thank you for sharing this. It is so important. I am going to feature it in my lens The Dangers of Non-Communication, Problem Avoidance and Suppressed Emotions

    • Mark-Nehs profile image

      Mark-Nehs 5 years ago

      Thanks for sharing. Powerful Casting Crowns video!!

    • kathysart profile image

      kathysart 5 years ago

      ps... angel blessed.

    • kathysart profile image

      kathysart 5 years ago

      I write a lot about what "happy" and "feeling whole" would feel like. I write it as I step into that world.. pretending, seeking magic, falling forward into passion. Sometimes passion can reach out and pull your hair, leave paint on your clothes and the walls that should have been on canvas. It makes you wonder if it is a good thing or not to know it. Sometimes I am not sure how I can convey a world that feels whole again, but then imagination takes over me and I slip into that mindset of being a fairy or someone who anticipates the sky with appreciation. I do feel that passion and feeling too much is worth it though, even though the pain of it is sometimes overwhelming. I understand and love you back.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      People that aren't overcome by depression or mental illness should be very grateful. Thank you for sharing.

    • norma-holt profile image

      norma-holt 5 years ago

      It's sad to read your story and your search for reality is obviously continuing. Maybe you need to listen to your inner spirit and take a new direction and leave the questions, answers and sadness behind. Blessed and featured on Blessed by Skiesgreen 2012 and also on Brain Matters. Hugs

    • PNWtravels profile image

      Vicki Green 5 years ago from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA

      I'm glad you are still here and are finding your way. We come into the world alone and leave it alone and we are all ultimately alone at all points in between. Joy and happiness is found within ourself - not from the approval or acceptance of others. Sometimes it takes a long painful journey to get there.

    • profile image

      athena2011 5 years ago

      It must have been therapeutic in a way for you to write this lens. At least I hope it was. Very interesting to read. Thanks for sharing your story.

    • TrevorLedford profile image

      TrevorLedford 5 years ago

      I like your lens here and think it's great that you have chosen life!

    • profile image

      sheezie77 5 years ago

      Interesting lens thumbs up!

    • LisaDH profile image

      LisaDH 5 years ago

      I'm glad you decided to stick around and that you found something to make life enjoyable again. I hope you enjoy the rest of the ride. :-)

    • beaworkathomemom profile image

      beaworkathomemom 5 years ago

      Your very strong for opening up so publicly and sharing a part of your life with us. I am really glad that your getting to understand the meaning of life. Love your quote "A strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars". Thanks for sharing.

    • profile image

      Donnette Davis 5 years ago from South Africa

      Your very brave sharing of your situation will help countless people, thank you!

    • profile image

      osteopath_fan 5 years ago

      I love your writings. Your poems "screaming out in silence" struck my heart while I'm reading it..Thanks for sharing your one of a kind story...Thumbs up!!!!

    • profile image

      TopTenLists 5 years ago

      You are a very brave person to share such an intimate story, I'm not sure I could do the same. Thank you for sharing and keep strong.

    • shellys-space profile image

      Shelly Sellers 5 years ago from Midwest U.S.A.

      Another moving lens!! Casting Crowns is one of my favorite bands!

    • flicker lm profile image

      flicker lm 5 years ago

      Thanks for sharing your story and reaching out to others. :)

    • OhMe profile image

      Nancy Tate Hellams 5 years ago from Pendleton, SC

      Thank you for sharing your story. You never know who this might help.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Kudos to you for having the courage to share your story here. I wish you all the best as you continue to recover.

    • profile image

      grannysage 5 years ago

      I always am so impressed with the courage it takes to tell such a painful story. I am also happy that you have found a support system. There is no shame in having a mental illness, and the more we speak up and educate people, the more acceptance there will be. I would recommend reading Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, especially the chapter "Battle Scars: Membership in the Scar Clan."

    • BusyMOM LM profile image

      BusyMOM LM 5 years ago

      Keep up the good work! You have much to live for.

    • profile image

      DebMartin 5 years ago

      Moving.

    • XxSadieLadyxX profile image
      Author

      XxSadieLadyxX 5 years ago

      @WriterJanis2: Thank you so much. I truly appriciate your kindness <3

    • JoleneBelmain profile image

      JoleneBelmain 5 years ago

      I love that intro pic how people don't want to die, they want to be saved. I think that is so true. I am glad to hear that you have found something in life that makes you happy, that is so important.

    • David Stone1 profile image

      David Stone 5 years ago from New York City

      Beautifully done. I'm sure you will help others as well as yourself.

    • profile image

      krystikercher 5 years ago

      Sadie, I love that song by Casting Crowns too! It's meant so much to me in the last few years! I know several people with BPD-like symptoms, and if I get a chance, I will recommend that they look you up on Squidoo.

    • WriterJanis2 profile image

      WriterJanis2 5 years ago

      My eyes teared up when reading this. What struggles you have faced. I hope this lens reaches others in your shoes. Blessed by a Squid angel.

    • BusyQueen profile image

      BusyQueen 5 years ago

      Keep on fighting and never give up and always remember you are never alone. "Make new memories " :) You are very brave to share this lense with others. XxSadieLadyxX

      I wish you the best.

    • Holysheepskin LM profile image

      Holysheepskin LM 5 years ago

      Hi Lindsey...it was really good for me to read your lens, and I thank you for sharing.

      I have a sister that has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and it has been difficult to understand and know how to deal with it. I love my sister and only wish for her to be happy and healthy. I wrote a poem to my sister last year for Christmas (it's on my lens titled black ink art) and it really was about me trying to help her through, the crazy world she lives in.

    • LiteraryMind profile image

      Ellen Gregory 5 years ago from Connecticut, USA

      It's very nice of you and very helpful to other, to share such an intimate story.

    • blue22d profile image

      blue22d 5 years ago

      Hi Lindsay. Wonderful lens. You have lots to be proud of. Realizing and accepting responsibility of one's life challenges is half the battle. You are moving on and in the right direction. I hope you will seek out a support group as well. Or, maybe God says you are to start one. We never know were we are directed to go. Bless you my friend and continued success.

    • ajgodinho profile image

      Anthony Godinho 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Be encouraged to stay strong and press through, like you're doing at the moment, no matter how hard. You're alive for a reason and as you take each step may you find the strength to hope a little more to move forward and stay positive through the process. Great to see all the progress you've made so far...stay blessed!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I believe your story of hope reaching out will be an encouragement to many that there is a future even when still being held back in the past and just trying to survive in the present. You have done excellently....while still trying to find your own way, you have a light that you are holding out to others...may it shine brighter and brighter. It is my honor to leave you with an angel blessing.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I believe your story of hope reaching out will be an encouragement to many that there is a future even when still being held back in the past and just trying to survive in the present. You have done excellently....while still trying to find your own way, you have a light that you are holding out to others...may it shine brighter and brighter. It is my honor to leave you with an angel blessing.