Life After Depression
Bullying at my work place drove me to the brink of suicide.Bullying was going on for sometime and finally when CEO and two other senior staff called me to the office and accused me of things I did not do, I felt suicidal and went to a railway station with the intention to kill myself, and a call from a friend at that minute asking me to visit him was a coincidence .I visited him ,spent the night at his place and got myself admitted at the hospital next day.Specialist doctor spoke to me at length to establish my condition and diagnosed as clinical depression.Unlike other illness,mental illness is treated based on what we tell the doctor.That is why I believe discussing my experience will help others in my condition.Feeling suicidal is a recurring thought.This is an attempt to get others to engage in discussion and learn from each others experience.
Life after depression is a completely new life.It can be compared to the us shut down.Your thought process,capabilities and activities are changed. Every morning I wake up depressed.I cannot sleep at night.First I go out in the night and started sweeping the public places like underground stations,bus stations and alleyways.This had positive results.Subsequently council started cleaning these places more frequently.I do not want to just survive.I want to use my experience to help others.
Anger management is another hurdle to overcome.The anger is generally directed at the injustice by establishment. People representing the establishment are unreasonable or rude.Even though the anger management facilities are offered ,they never materialise due to lack of resources.I was rude to the staff on the phone due to their lack of understanding of the problem.On number of occasions I was told that they will put the phone down if I fail to calm down.My reaction under these circumstances are beyond my control.
During the early days of the illness I was relying a lot on medication to get sleep during nights and thought medication will solve everything.While I was inpatient at the hospital the recovery was rapid.After I left hospital the recovery was slow.I had to see the doctor once a month.Talking to a doctor was comforting in some ways.Eventually doctors decided that I don't need any further consultation.Then only it dawned on me that life after depression is a long and lonely journey.I felt that sharing the experience with others in similar situation may help each other.It took a long time to come out and join hubpages.
I find it easier to sleep during daytime than nights.The loneliness during nights is unbearable.Last night I couldn't sleep till 4am.Now I am looking for ways of keeping me busy during nights.I have applied to numerous charities for night work,
Nightmares are almost a daily occurrence for me since I was hospitalised with clinical depression. I feel more comfortable with lack of sleep than having nightmares.I try to keep awake throughout the night than have nightmares.When I raised this issue with my doctor he suggested to maintain a diary and record the nature of nightmares.I had very limited success in this front and nightmare continue to be a problem.
Concentration is another problem area.There are days when even watering plants,having shower or cooking become near impossible.I find it hard to complete some activities which I have started with enthusiasm.I recall the days I used to have a photographic memory and carry on my work without any paperwork with me,have all the facts and figures at my finger tips and am capable of carrying on any task with ease.I am struggling to wake up in the morning,unable to carry out the work at hand and unable to explain to the family of my predicament.
How do I get back my life,my dignity and my self respect.The friends and family who had you on a high pedestal look at you with a question mark.
Exercise such as swimming ,jogging or visiting the gym are useful means of distractions from
the depressive state.I visit the swimming pool every day so that the physical exercise contributes towards my wellbeing.
I learnt about social enterprise through media and registered to give legal status to my work.The aim was to engage in community projects and provide help to others who need the assistance.One such project was to train and employ youth with mental health problems,gambling addiction and alcohol addiction.I recruited 2 youths and trained them to work on small scale building work.It was an interesting experience.I had to pay their rent direct to land lord,buy their food and clothing as they used any cash given to them on gambling.The 2 men left after 6 months.I am trying to continue the community work with conviction and I believe I have found the answer in joining the hubpages.
There is no easy way to face mental illness.It does not differentiate between rich,poor,young,old,men,women,celebrities or ordinary people.The suffering of all these people are the same.I am taking positive action to face the challenge and they are:
* Engage in cooking on daily basis.
* Working for charities who provide food for needy people.
* Cooking and providing food for homeless.
* Providing employment for people with mental health,gambling and alcohol addiction.
* Fund raising for comic relief.
* Cleaning of alleyways and public places .
* Creating a social enterprise to raise funds for the above activities.
I have been taking medication for the lastseven years.I am still feeling the full force of depression.There are times I donot feel like doing anything,taking shower,brushing teeth or even taking a shave feel like a very difficult task.My GP says that the medication has become less effecting because of using it for a long period of time.
The cure appears to be in the hands of the patient.
Speculation in media
Recently I had to speak to Council Housing department official.Conversation got side tracked and I mentioned the effect depression has on the lives of people.The official just dismissed it as another illness.
The official said that Robin Williams killed himself due to the pressure of debts and not due to depression and insisted that the media report is accurate.He is ill-informed and opinionated. Officials should not make such statements about medical conditions.He was very insensitive,callous and arrogant.
Government should make sure that officials should refrain from making judgment about medical conditions.
I was not available for a long time due tohealth reasons.I had two operations and my depression didnot show any improvements.My GP thinks that the medication has lost the effectiveness.
My only option is to keep myself busy.I have recently started delivering advertising materials door to door starting at 8am and visit 500 houses in half a day.I am planning to deliver food for lonely people during Christmas season.
I am helping handicap people with Christmas shopping.