ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Suicide.

Updated on November 5, 2015
From: Tokyo Ghoul
From: Tokyo Ghoul

To Start

I am a 19 year old who has seen his fair share of sadness and pain in this world. I'll never hold my own pain up against someone else's however. It should be widely understood that the way each person takes on and handles different types, levels, or frequencies of pain can differ. Being more or less susceptible to pain, be it mental or physical, is not a sign of weakness. In fact if I wanted to turn this into a largely scientific post I could tell you just how wrong that notion is on a biological level. Fortunately for you, thats for another time and place.

I have spent many nights in pain since my best friend took his own life this summer. An entire community was shaken by that loss. A community I've been displaced from for a few years now. Ashamedly, I had become the long distance buddy to my best friend due to a move and many life changes.

I can't even be sure anyone knew we were still best friends besides me. There are many things I need to get off my chest, and I figure I may as well do so right here, right now.

From: Tokyo Ghoul
From: Tokyo Ghoul

Keeping all of this as short as I can while still trying to maintain the interest of those of you who have little to no interest in my personal sadness, that's a challenge.

I was well on my way to Georgia to pay my family a visit after a month apart, since they'd moved and Id been living with my grandparents. My last conversation with my best friend would be about League of Legends, sitting in a car planning out when I would visit him during my short time in Georgia. Id never hear from him again after I sent him the link to a song I had recently discovered (knowing he would love it).

It was two days after the birth of my newest sibling that I would wake up in a leaky air mattress, lift my cellphone from the charger and be exposed to a facebook newsfeed flooded with "R.I.P." That was how I learned about it. That was how I came to grips with it. I was home with my siblings and myself. There is nothing on this earth I could possibly relate that pain to. It was the sort of dismal sorrow that I have no doubt I'll never feel again. And oh does it still linger. I had many shoulders to cry on during that time. I am ever in debt to those shoulders. The problem is, they weren't the shoulder I needed.

From: Naruto
From: Naruto

This is starting to run long, and get boring. Apologies to those who have read this far. Id delete the above to come up with a more concise point, but I feel everything here is important enough to stay.

The point of all of this is that suicide and depression jumps from person to person. As someone who has dealt with general depression my entire life, losing Nick has damaged me in a way that I don't see ever quite repairing. I fight and struggle every day against those strange, irrational thoughts now. I find myself having those little "calm down" chats with my mind more and more.

My here is a profound sadness that has taken residence within me. Nobody around me will really ever be able to grasp the effect this stage of my life has had on me.

I miss my friend more than anything.

Rest in Peace, Nick.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 

      2 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      I can't begin to know how you feel. The deep sadness at losing one that you love knows no bounds. The loss can be unbearable, especially, considering the circumstances. When someone close to us takes their own life, we start to question our own validity. Why them and not us? Didn't we have those feelings at one time? Now our loved one is gone, and nothing we do can bring them back to us. It would be easy to go down the same path, but is that what we really want? It could have been me, six feet under, but it isn't. I decided long ago that I wouldn't go there. You can, too.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)