I am a 19 year old who has seen his fair share of sadness and pain in this world. I'll never hold my own pain up against someone else's however. It should be widely understood that the way each person takes on and handles different types, levels, or frequencies of pain can differ. Being more or less susceptible to pain, be it mental or physical, is not a sign of weakness. In fact if I wanted to turn this into a largely scientific post I could tell you just how wrong that notion is on a biological level. Fortunately for you, thats for another time and place.
I have spent many nights in pain since my best friend took his own life this summer. An entire community was shaken by that loss. A community I've been displaced from for a few years now. Ashamedly, I had become the long distance buddy to my best friend due to a move and many life changes.
I can't even be sure anyone knew we were still best friends besides me. There are many things I need to get off my chest, and I figure I may as well do so right here, right now.
Keeping all of this as short as I can while still trying to maintain the interest of those of you who have little to no interest in my personal sadness, that's a challenge.
I was well on my way to Georgia to pay my family a visit after a month apart, since they'd moved and Id been living with my grandparents. My last conversation with my best friend would be about League of Legends, sitting in a car planning out when I would visit him during my short time in Georgia. Id never hear from him again after I sent him the link to a song I had recently discovered (knowing he would love it).
It was two days after the birth of my newest sibling that I would wake up in a leaky air mattress, lift my cellphone from the charger and be exposed to a facebook newsfeed flooded with "R.I.P." That was how I learned about it. That was how I came to grips with it. I was home with my siblings and myself. There is nothing on this earth I could possibly relate that pain to. It was the sort of dismal sorrow that I have no doubt I'll never feel again. And oh does it still linger. I had many shoulders to cry on during that time. I am ever in debt to those shoulders. The problem is, they weren't the shoulder I needed.
This is starting to run long, and get boring. Apologies to those who have read this far. Id delete the above to come up with a more concise point, but I feel everything here is important enough to stay.
The point of all of this is that suicide and depression jumps from person to person. As someone who has dealt with general depression my entire life, losing Nick has damaged me in a way that I don't see ever quite repairing. I fight and struggle every day against those strange, irrational thoughts now. I find myself having those little "calm down" chats with my mind more and more.
My here is a profound sadness that has taken residence within me. Nobody around me will really ever be able to grasp the effect this stage of my life has had on me.
I miss my friend more than anything.
Rest in Peace, Nick.