Living Through the Meantime
Living Through Loss
At some time of our we experience loss. Some of us experience it sooner and more often than others be loss is a part of our lives. Following a loss there is a time when things calm down and you being to move forward toward the new you. The new you could be a child without a parent, child, husband, wife or job. Immediately following the loss we suffer and wonder what and how things like this can happen. Even when we loose a parent after a long productive and happy life we feel that loss. We will miss them when we want to make that usual call to give them news or the next holiday does not include taking a trip to them but different plans now.
Any loss can leave a person down and unable to get up. It is easy for people to sit by who are not going through the loss and point out all the steps you should be on while they are not living it. But it can also be easy as the one experiencing the loss to drown in our sorrow and not be able to move through the passage.
When we loose a marriage life can be painful. Your way of life completely changes from the moment the marriage is over. Your daily commute to work becomes painful, even impossible to do at times. If you are suddenly out looking for a job after years of taking care of the home the feeling of age, lack of experience and loss all come down on you at the same time.
It is hardest to get through those doors of grief when we are in the middle trying to stay alive ourselves. When we are in need of a new job, home or transitioning to being single needing to care directly for ourselves and our possibly children becomes most difficult.
In those times of grief remembering that movement, even the smallest amount will move you forward. In everyday you are living remember to do something for yourself that is good for you, that will help you. Allowing yourself to be stagnant will only mean your own slow death. One which a comeback may not be possible.
How to Keep Motivated
Through all we experience in life there are times that staying motivated seems too difficult. It is those hardest times that we need to work especially hard at keeping ourselves moving forward. Remember, movement means your not stagnant and then leading yourself to emotional/spiritual death. Staying motivated can become difficult when every which way you turn seems to turn into a dead end. Remember that what you are aiming for does not have to become gold at once. Again, this can be difficult to think when you are about to loose housing, food, or your community. But try to keep thinking about the goal. If you have attained a goal in the past, this is the time for you to hold onto that memory. Just as when you are sad and you remember happier times, remember how you found success and kept it going. Always keep those memories with you and you will find success again. Sometimes reaching our goals become difficult when we are stuck.
A good way to avoid from getting or staying stuck is professional help. Toady speaking to a therapist, a MSW, CSW, or Psychologist does not have the stigma it did years ago. Unless you really want to spend twenty years on a chair most will help you through the difficult time you are going currently struggling with. Remember though, sometimes we struggle with movement and it originates from previous experiences. If you have consistently had trying times around transitions then sometimes going to the beginning will help you keep from getting stuck not only with what is happening immediately but in the future.
What makes you laugh?
Staying Happy During Tough Times
Keep humor and happiness close when you are struggling. People do all sorts of things to try and stay happy during tough times. Even if for a few moments a day, experiencing happiness can help keep you from going into or getting deeper into sadness and being stuck. Depending on the person there are a variety of activities which can sustain some happiness for you and prevent you from sinking. All it takes is a few moments. Then after those moments are over you carry with you the endorphins that help keep you thinking forward and hold you until the next dose. Although sometimes we get so sad that we do not want to see friends or family those are the times we need to see them the most. Try to meet a friend. Maybe you can cut the visit short since sometimes just seeing friends is too much. Keep your extensions away from yourself short. Then you can adjust them as you begin to feel like being around others more often.
Here are some activities you can do to try and experience happiness when happiness is hard to find.
- Watch funny show you typically find enjoyable
- Spend a few minutes with a friend
- Call a friend of family member-even if you just listen to them talk about how they are doing
- Walk-taking walks is very important as you walk oxygen is passes through the body and will help physically move the stress out in a healthy way
- Write-keeping a journal can be very cathartic- it call also help put into thoughts how to plan on moving forward with your life
- Cooking/Baking- this can be a good way to feel good and create something healthy or just enjoyable such as comfort food
- Drive-go for a drive it gets you out of the house and moving without having to spend time with anyone
Of course these are activities you might not enjoy doing on a good day. Try to remember what brings you joy on better days. Then try and do those activities, even in small amounts, during each day. Again, keeping yourself from being stuck will help you move forward and prepare you for the time when things start to turn good. The last thing you want to have happen is you over look an opportunity because you have become so stuck you no longer see windows opening for a chance to move onward.
Keep things moving
Remember to do the following.
- Honor where you are at emotionally
- Talk to someone to help during those really difficult times
- Cry when needed
- Keep physically active
- Let go of the past
- Do not allow hope to lead you astray
- Take small steps-even though yo do not want to see anyone, try small amounts of time with friends
- Look for windows of opportunity
Letting Go of the Past
When you find yourself harping on the what you could have done to stay in a marriage, to keep your job or long term friendship then maybe it is time to move forward. Learning from our mistakes and going over them over and over again are different. We should all try to recognize what we could do different to make not only our lives the lives around us better. But if you begin to keep going over the scenario weeks, months and maybe even years later then that kind of going back is not reflective work but becoming stuck in the past. If someone used words to hurt you do not allow those words to float around in your mind. If you made a choice which was not helpful to you and has contributed to the current position you are struggling in then take not of how to change that choice in the future.
If you keep going over those choices, words or things you once had then you will become stuck in your current crisis and become unable to move. Remembering the good times is OK but if it keeps you from finding ways to realize where you are at now then those memories are not productive. Reflect from time to time on where you have been in your life, where you would like to go and how to get to those places. Often when we are considering all of our options we look back to our past. We wonder how things could be different. Sometimes making a list is helpful. When you are at a stand still and find yourself repeating your thoughts try putting them on paper. By putting them on paper you are giving them a space to be, while you try to be in the here and now as you move forward. Do not allow yourself to get trapped in the web of your thoughts of the past. Limit the time you spend thinking of the past and push yourself to think of what you are doing today. Even if it seems trivial, for instance, instead of thinking of what your old marriage or job was like, think about what you are going to prepare for dinner.
As you begin to limit that time on the past you will find yourself living in the here and now, finding ways to move forward. You can still hope for the things you had in the past, financial security and freedom, community, etc but instead of just dreaming about those things you can begin to make them happen.
The way to make your wishes and goals a reality is to become present. Stay with where you are now. Try not to drift into sadness, anger or a dream state. All of those positions are not helpful in trying to move you forward. Work with what you have, become interested in something that is around you, easy to find and that will expose you to others that have your same interest. Do not loose hope, that is what keeps us going. But to not allow hope to cloud your judgment and destination.
Every once in a while we find ourselves alone. We are responsible for everything. Nobody helps us with food, rent, doctor, etc. We have no person who sits and listens to what our day entailed. The decisions we make are on us, for good or bad.
When you are alone, begin to look deeper for someone. There is always at least one person, maybe the last person you would ever think of but they are there, waiting for you. Look to them, not to pour your soul to but to have a cup of coffee with and talk about the day. Begin with small encounters and move forward. Enjoy the quiet, although at times it can be overwhelming. Listen to your thoughts, let them have space which maybe they have not had in a while. Do not rush out to find an entire community right away.
In the meantime leave the window and doors open for what ever opportunity might come. When you stay present in the now, your future will begin to happen.