My life with an Anxiety Panic disorder, and how i beat it
How it began
I have had a panic disorder for more then five years, it started off with a single panic attack, and then it started getting frequent. The first panic attack I had I was about 12 but after that I didn't had another one for four years.
Great Books on Panic Attacks
When it began
Then one time at a party it was really crowded, I was stressed I hadn't slept in awhile, suddenly I started feeling light headed, the strange feeling in my chest, nothing seemed real I froze I couldn't move nor speak, then I remember this is the same thing happening that happened to me four years ago, it freaked me out. It was miserable as if I couldn't escape then I threw up.
I was really sick afterwards I thought it happened because I was very much stressed and I hadn't slept much that day.
Then after two weeks we went to a movie, in there i became aware of myself, I started to have the strange feeling again, its happening I need to escape, I did after that I could not go to a theater nor any crowded place. Then after awhile it became so worse I was having multiple panic attacks in a day. Then a time came when I couldn't even leave the house. Even the thought of leaving the house frightened me and at times I didn't for months.
It's all in your head
It's all in your head, that's what everybody kept telling me. Then there was no choice for me but to accept to take medicine and I did. I saw this psychiatrist he was also a therapist he was really good, he prescribed me to take some anti depressant, along with an anti anxiety med to take when I felt a panic attack was coming, along with the therapy. It worked for awhile I even got off the medication only for awhile then it strike back only worse this time. Then I had to except the fact that I might have to be on medication for the rest of my life, but then they weren't working anymore as they once did, I saw many doctors and tried many different medications.
Even so with heavy medication I wasn't able to do much, I still had panic attacks and they kept getting worse, now that I wasn't afraid of how it felt it changed forms, I started to have very sharp pain in my chest, I thought something was wrong with my heart but I did go see a lot of cardiologist they all said the same thing anxiety.
Then when I wasn't scared of that it developed into what's known as emitophobia, extreme fear of throwing up and I was terrified of throwing in up, as I have did a couple of times and then even imagining or just seeing someone nauseate or throwing even in the movies, I would just freeze I couldn't speak or move without throwing up and then came the IBS, irritable bowel syndrome whenever I was in public I felt as if I would lose control.
Then for two year I was on very high doses anti-depressants for anxiety, and I was taking anti anxiety med when I felt a panic attack coming.
I read countless number of books, tried everything from breathing to meditation everything to no avail.
Even though I knew what was happening and how ridiculous it was, but I couldn't do anything about it.
When asked I would say to someone "If I were to punch you in the arm, you know I am going to punch you, yet when I do punch you do you not feel the pain", that's exactly what was with me, I knew what was happening yet I was helpless.
Though my friends and family have been very supportive, whenever I had a panic attack, wherever it might be or how important something they were doing they will get me home.
That's where I didn't have panic attack my safe haven. Yet after trying so much, doing everything to get rid of this thing, I lost hope at times felt extremely depressed, as such mundane things as going to movie most people do easily I couldn't even think of it. Yet I always got up knowing someday I will get over this no matter whatever it takes. I had no choice, I felt I was a mouse cornered by a cat even though the mouse knows it is the end, yet it still fight hoping that if there might be a slightest chance. That's how I felt I had no choice.
No one really understood how worse it felt, a lot of my friends supported me they were there, yet some grew apart but I knew who I can rely on.
Now I can proudly say I have been off the medication for over a year now and I haven’t had a single panic attack.
The meds worked to numb the sensations, yet when I was on them I was as if I were a zombie, I could not feel anything, I didn’t even want to do anything, I had no enthusiasm to nothing.
I was very tired of feeling that way, even going to a mall seemed like a dream, I decided to stop the medication slowly I was too tired of being frightened, I just accept no matter what happens I will just deal with it.
Slowly I stopped the meds I started doing things which used to frightened me, I did even if I had a panic attack, I am not scared I have had thousands of those before it didn’t kill me then and wouldn’t kill me now.
Then I not was concerned of being cured, it didn’t matter to me now, I have no expectations now whether I have a panic attack it doesn’t matter, then they stopped.
Afterwards I started doing things which a while ago seemed like a dream, at times I felt anxious as if a panic attack was coming, but I said to myself, I am not scared it doesn’t matter.
I attended a friends wedding in another state, we had to travel by train and it was a 12 hour journey and it didn’t even crossed my mind about having a panic attack, I felt really happy afterwards as if I have concurred the world, I was the one gone case of no hope but I did it, I beat this thing.
Now I believe I am a complete different person even things, now matter how bad they may seem doesn’t bring me down, I feel as if how worse can they possibly be nothing that I couldn’t deal with. IBS and everything else that was caused by anxiety are now completely gone, as if they never happened.
Now I feel that nothing is impossible, difficult yes, very difficult yes but not impossible, I have been down so low with no hope of ever getting better, yet I got better even more so then before I had an anxiety disorder.
It wasnt all in vain
I do believe that it wasnt all in vain, because i learned a lot of things during the time i had an anxiety disorder, i learned how to paint among many other things because i had all the time in the world.
The most important thing i learned is to be rational, using logic instead of emotions.
Emotions i believe cloud our judgement make us do and feel stupid things, blow small things out of proportion, see things for what they are rather than what emotions tells us