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The Purpose of No Contact & The Grey Rock Method With Narcissists

Updated on September 18, 2016

People often say that going "no contact" or using The Grey Rock Method with narcissists and psychopaths "didn't work" because the narcissist is still bothering them. Though this frustration is understandable, this is the wrong way to look at it. You can't act in the hope of getting the narcissist to do - or not do - something. They still have control over your life if you see it that way You have to tailor your actions to how they benefit you. The purpose of going no contact or using the grey rock method is not to control the narcissist. It is to control yourself. It is to stop allowing the narcissist to influence and control your life. If you are only acting with the intent of creating a response from the narcissist, their control over your life has not stopped. You are still doing things with them and their reaction in mind. It's time to stop doing that.

That is how you truly take the power over your own life back. It is often the biggest challenge in a person's life to learn how to control themselves and only themselves. All too often, we do things with the intent of controlling other people. This leads to frustration and chronic unhappiness because you cannot control other people. You can only control yourself. Too many times we do things designed to make people love us or notice us or leave us alone. This means our behavior is actually designed to control the feelings or actions of others. This is not only unhealthy but is usually largely unsuccessful. People may never love you, no matter how giving you are. They may never notice you, no matter how loud or flashy you are. They may never leave you alone, no matter how much you ignore them. The goal of your own behavior should always be your own peace. Then it doesn't matter how people react to it or what they think about it. When you learn how to control yourself and stop reacting, you take the power back. You take the control back. The things that used to upset you so much in the past stop affecting you.

This is the goal of The Grey Rock Method. This is the goal of going no contact. It is not to do something to the narcissist or create some type of reaction or feeling in them. It is to do something for yourself. As Capt. Jack Sparrow famously said, "The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." We could make that even more relevant here by changing it a little to say, "The problem is not the narcissist. The problem is your reaction to the narcissist." Once you master that, a beautiful thing begins to happen: they are no longer capable of hurting you. This is the goal of no contact and The Grey Rock Method. Not changing their behavior and feelings. Changing yours.

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