Pain of an Abortion
The First Step
I was 33 when I made the life changing decision of having an abortion. I didn’t truly understand how this decision would affect me mentally. I couldn’t imagine having an abortion no matter what! Now I know in general the first question is always, “how can I believe in God and have an abortion. I acknowledge and agree that abortions are not in line with the will of God.
I had three kids and I was living with my parents when I got pregnant with my fourth child. When I found out I was pregnant, I had to realize this baby would not only affect me but my family as well. Not to mention, when I call the father of the child, his first reply was “it’s not mine”. While he was the father of my two of my children, we wasn’t in a relationship at the time. When I called him, I expected him to provide some level of comfort to me, but that’s not what he offered me!
The thought of having four kids out of wedlock was embarrassing, not just for me but my family as well. In fact, I was too embarrassed to tell my parents I had disappoint them once again. I called my best friend and she provided the support I needed. I told her I was considering an abortion and she really didn’t agree with it but told me regardless she loved me. She was a single mother of 4 so she understand the dilemma.
The Night Before
I sat there all night feeling my baby kick. It was if God was telling me to rethink my decision. I cried as I told myself there are no options, this had to be done. I did all the research and found a ride to and from the abortion clinic for the next day. I didn’t sleep much that night. I didn’t charge my phone because I didn’t want to hear the father’s apologies and I was scared that someone would try to change my mind.
The Next Morning
The next morning I got up, got dressed, and waited on my ride. My mom walked into the kitchen while I was standing in there, trying to get my thoughts together. I remember my mom questioning me about where I was going. I didn’t have the heart to tell her! I looked at the floor as I told her I was going somewhere with a friend. My ride came and I left out the house as fast as I could before my mom could ask additional questions.
On the way there my heart cried out please don’t do this. A part of me wanted to ask my friend to just take me back home. I even thought to ask her to pull over so I could walk home. I wanted to go anywhere but to get the abortion. However, I didn’t have the nerve to ask her to take me home. She had to go to work and I didn’t want to be an inconvenience. We didn’t talk much on the way there. Honestly, I can’t even tell you what we talked about. When we arrived at the abortion clinic, protesters were in the parking lot yelling about God and acknowledging that abortions are a sin. But again, I didn’t see another way out. I got out the car and my friend told me to call her when I was done.
The Experience Of An Abortion
I walked in and completed the paperwork. The whole time crying on the inside. I felt like I just wanted to run! I paid my money and sat there hurting like hell on the inside! The paperwork stated that once you paid the fee for services, there were no refunds given. So even if I changed my mind, I could leave but I would lose the money. As I sat there waiting to be called, I debated if I should take a loss on the money and leave. However, I stayed! When they called my name, I was scared and all alone. The process of the abortion hurt both mentally but physically. I recall hearing the doctor say its ok you’re doing good, it’s almost over. Even after he tried to comfort me, I continued to cry.
Dealing With My Decision
I went home and I felt so empty! I laid in my bed for hours thinking I was not worthy of God’s love. I just laid in the bed and cried until the following day. The next morning my mom and I was in the kitchen and I told her what I had done. She told me she still loved me and asked if she could influence me not to have the abortion. My heart dropped at that point as disappointing my family was the motivation of the abortion! Regardless, it was too late at that point.
The paperwork stated the procedure was not a 100% guarantee to work. I prayed the process didn’t work. I went to the store to get another pregnancy test and prayed the test would still be positive. It was still positive but a false positive. My body had not return to normal yet which is what produced the positive pregnancy test. I was so excite when I told my mom the test was still positive. Likewise, I was so disappointed as she explained why!
Outcome Of My Decision
It took me years to cope with getting that abortion! I prayed a lot and asked God to help me get through it. After a while, God took the thoughts from the front of my mind. I took that as he forgave me for what I had done. I am glad he forgave me because I hadn’t forgiven me! I truly believe that baby was a boy. I named him Mylove Rayshawn. I often wonder what I will say when Mylove ask me how or why. I am always stuck wondering, as I know there is nothing I can say to make the situation better. When he ask me how did I keep the other four but not him? Yes, I had another child a few years later and every now and then I wonder if the baby I did have has the personality of Mylove. When he ask me how did I not love him, I’m not sure how I will respond or what I will say.
I know there is someone else out there who has experienced the same pain. I also know that many people prefer to keep situations like this a secret. The one thing I did learn from this situation is that at the end of the day when God calls me home, I will be the only one standing there to answer for what I did!
© 2019 Shronda Eason