ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Senior Snickers

Updated on January 12, 2013

WELCOME TO SENIOR SNICKERS

This light-hearted lens is devoted to a few flippant freedom-fifty fivers plus other odd bods (who are members of the outrageous over-the-hill gang).

Every family has one...a demeure duchess or gorgeous granny who giggles under her breath as she announces to everyone seated quietly around the table, "I can't wait til it's 'Girl's Night Out'...'cause I'm not gonna wear any bra!" Or...good old Uncle Harry who often stays up very late working...on a case of Scotch if you please!

While I'm on the topic of gregarious golden gals, who's that flying by? Is it my Fairy Godmother or the frigging Fickle Finger of Fate?*!

__________

Image Credit: Chud Tsankov at flickr.com

2013 - THE YEAR OF THE SNAKE - And there's one vintage viper who's going to celebrate it!

_________________

Image Credit: J. Wagner illustrator, Maxine Hallmark Cards cartoon, posted in chicklitwriters.com/Maxines-Optimism-Punch.jpg

A BIG THANK YOU TO SQUIDOO!

"Twinkle, twinkle, PURPLE STAR,

You are better than a big fat car!

Up above the world so high,

Thanks for the blessing, me oh my!"

WHAT STAGE IS YOUR AGE?

And if cheese doesn't grab you then, how about these wise words of wisdom from a wicked wench:

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."-- Lucille Ball

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE GODDESS OF GRIPE! - Don't sweat the small stuff...it ain't worth it!

__________

Image Credit: piscicamica at flick.com

It's not like you get much practice in growing old...

MY GRANDFATHER ALWAYS SAID... - "There's no such thing as a small whisky!"

AND MY GRANDMOTHER...

"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." -- Henny Youngman

WHAT'S YOUR DEFINITION OF WISDOM? - If you really must know, it's the sediment left over in the cup of life.

"Trust me, this chronically-gifted crap is for the birds!" (A mirth-muscle-impaired member of the bewildered but bonified Flashing Astonishers Society)".

OLD FLAME EXTINGUISHERS NEVER DIE

A wicked wench without a man in her life is like a fish without a bicycle ... - Which reminds me, where the heck did I put my frigging fish?

Old Rolling Stones Gather No Moss - That's why "classic rock" will never die!

_____________

Image Credit: www.vizcarra.info

WISE WENCH WIT...

NOT ANOTHER BLESSED BIRTHDAY...

GRANNY KNOWS BEST...

...especially when it comes to kids

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."-- George Burns

__________

Image Credit: pisicamica at flickr.com

LAYABOUTS IN LACE

You know what they say... - "A man is as old as the woman he feels."

Quote attributed to Groucho Marx, American comedian (1890-1977)

_____________

Image Credit: M. Guerrero

You want what for Christmas?

____________

Image Credit: http://andicampbell.com

ALL ABOUT THOSE UNIQUE UNMENTIONABLES...

PAST YOUR PRIME PRAYER

In the grand scheme of things, or in the world of all things great and small, it's best not to sweat bullets profusely but rather bless the really absurd, innocuous, and riduculous things or potty people that come and go in one's life before it's too late.

So, if you're like most "Boomers" and "Zoomers" who think they've found the fountain of youth because they can paddle about the gene pool using their water wings, it's always good to know when to call on the Big Guy/Gal-In-The-Sky for a little extra help!

Now get down on your knees in that uncomfortable pew, suck it up and repeat after me:

"Please grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

The good fortune to run into the people I do like,

And the eyesight to tell the difference."

And now a few words from the Wicked Witch of the West: - Let's see, I've walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping, and gossiped with my friends; nope, thi

__________

Image Credit: http://artfordorks.com

Words: Lawrence Dorfman from "The Snark Handbook Insult Edition, Combacks, Taunts, and Effronteries".

WISDOM COMES IN DIFFERENT PACKAGES

"A woman is like a teabag: You never know her strength until you drop her in hot water."

-- Nancy Reagan --

CRAZY COOTS - North American Variety

type=text
type=text

____________

Image Credit: Illustration from Coots & Biddys book by Mike Dowdall & Patch Welch - http://carosbakingsupply.com/biddys.html

The Pith & Vinegar Poll

You know you're experientially-enhanced if...

See results

BURLESQUE BIDDYS - North American Variety

type=text
type=text

_____________

Image Credit: Illustration from Coots & Biddys book by Mike Dowdall & Patch Welch - http://carosbakingsupply.com/biddys.html

BIDDYS BOUTIQUE

Biddys
Biddys

Those buxom bodacious babes will never go out of style!

 
Alma's Designs Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly
Alma's Designs Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly

The Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly -- this carniverous critter will keep you and your friends or family in stitches!

 

DON'T GET YOUR TINSEL IN A TANGLE ... - It's just a feisty fellow with an amusing new angle on tea for two!

________________

Image Credit: sabolcreations.com/teacupsanta3

SANTA'S ON SABBATICAL! - The perfect place for a bit of parody poetry.

T'was the night before Christmas

In this old coot's house.

I sat at my computer,

Clicking my mouse.

I'd been Christmas shopping

My feet felt like lead.

My head was swimming

My brain cells all dead.

Mamma was snoring

Without any cares.

I'm too tired to sleep,

To tired to climb stairs.

But then I heard something

Or thought that I did.

Someone's on the roof

A feeling of dread.

I looked out the window

And nearly fell down.

Someone up there

Was poking around.

And some kind of wagon

Or maybe a sleigh.

Just what I needed

At the end of this day.

I'll call 911

And maybe they'll come.

Now if I can remember

Just where is my gun.

But while I was looking

I heard a great crash.

Down the chimney came Santa

Fell right on his ass.

"Fer God's sakes." sez I

"What a terrible sight!"

I heaved and struggled

And got him upright.

He huffed and puffed

I admit I did too.

He said "There's something

I have to do."

So we sat on the sofa

And shared a cold beer.

He said, "It's something, I think

To do with reindeer.

"O yes, I remember,

I'm Santa you see,

And all the kids' joy

Is resting on me."

I looked at his hair

It was sparse as mine.

I looked in his eyes

Saw the passing of time.

"Dear friend," I said wincing,

"I know that burden well.

I'll try to help out

We'll get along swell"

We decided we'd leave

Through the front door.

That chimney bit was silly

Even in days of yore.

He whistled to Rudolph

To lead them all down.

And we climbed into the sleigh

When it reached ground.

So we both took some Advil

And swigged out of the flask.

We circled the globe

Those reindeer flew fast.

Hanging on for dear life

We dropped off the loot.

Santa stopped in Morocco

To remove his tall boots.

"Bunions you know,

And it's just too much work.

To try to do all this

Those elves are real jerks.

"I've gone through my share

of assistants you see.

But you can't get good help

And the burden's on me.

"I gotta retire,

Just can't do it no more.

I spend weeks in my rocker

My whole body is sore."

Oh yes, dear Santa

I know the feeling too.

I'm glad I don't have

To do what you do.

So let's try to find someone

Some fine strong young pup.

Well train him and coach him

And hope he measures up.

We'll use the Internet

And give it a try.

E-mail all those young folks

Who have are yearning to fly.

So wherever you are

Think about your career.

Santa's retiring

Effective this year.

The time has come

It's sad but it's true

Next year at Christmas

It's all up to you.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

______________

Image Credit: Santa's Island - www.suddenlysenior.com

Parody poetry created by by Carolyn Kaiser

THE HO HO HO HOLIDAYS ARE HERE ... - Yup, it's time to capture the magic again this year!

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

and all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived

Our social- security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,

Till the clock? tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!

Author Unknown

_______________

Image Credit: From blog posting by David Warren Fisher on Dec. 20, 2010 - pilgrimscribblings.com/Senior Cartoon.gif

Poetry Credit Unknown, (from same reference as above).

NOTHING BUT THE NAKED TRUTH...

Never ask Maude Frickert what she likes -- unless you're prepared for the bare essentials!

"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security

twilight home in Australia."

-- Dame Edna Everage --

GEEZER & GRANNY GIFTSTORE

Geezerhood: What to expect from life now that you're as old as dirt (Truth about Life Humor Books)
Geezerhood: What to expect from life now that you're as old as dirt (Truth about Life Humor Books)

For those who think they have no "gaul bladder" and aren't as "old as dirt" (at least the last time anyone checked).

 
The Golden Girls: The Complete Series
The Golden Girls: The Complete Series

Who says women don't know how to rule the world?

 
Waiting for God - Season 2
Waiting for God - Season 2

A ripsnorting retirement home...not for the faint of heart!

 
Waiting for God: Season 4
Waiting for God: Season 4

Good God...there's more giggles in this one than you can shake a stick at!

 

Half the population of the USA is over the age of fifty -- but few are free as a bird to fly wherever they please. Less than 25 percent of Americans even possess a passport.

FREEDOM-FIFTY-FIVE FEEDBACK - Feel free to leave some geezer gobsmack...or some "golden girl" giggles...whichever appeals to your fractured funnybone!

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Ann Hinds profile image

      Ann Hinds 

      7 years ago from So Cal

      Added this as a featured lens on my Paraprosdokian Sentences. There are a lot here that I didn't have room to include and this is just plain funny. Angel blessed.

    • Lady Lorelei profile image

      Lorelei Cohen 

      7 years ago from Canada

      I am the squid Angel for the Aging neighborhood and I am just fluttering by to let you know that this lens is one of my top ten favorite lenses in this category. It is featured at: http://www.squidoo.com/looking-for-council-on-age-... Best wishes.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      8 years ago

      I like this lens! It was really fun to look at. Thanks!

    • SusanDeppner profile image

      Susan Deppner 

      8 years ago from Arkansas USA

      Made me laugh out loud! Lensrolling to my "You're Only as Old As You Feel" lens. Congratulations on the purple star!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)