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Essential Steps to Set up Your Boundaries

Updated on April 10, 2018
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Spiri Csilla is a certified NLP practitioner, Reiki Master, Meditation guide. She is a spiritual seeker-blogger.

8 steps to set up healthy boundaries

What are the healthy boundaries?

It might be hard for some of us to set up our boundaries. We are socialized to do things what we are expected to do, even if we don’t want to. Well of course there are certain things that we need to do even if we don’t want to, but I believe that we need to find the balance just like in every area of our lives. Because if there’s no balance, we can easily become drained.

What are the healthy boundaries? Well, when you feel you can be yourself. When you feel that you don’t need to play roles, you can be honest and you can speak your truth. Actually when you are content with your life

So how can we set up healthy boundaries? Well this is a process, it won’t go from today to tomorrow, but it is definitely worth accomplishing.


8 steps to set up your boundaries

Step 1:

Define your boundaries

In order to set up healthy boundaries, obviously you need to define your boundaries. But how can you do that? You need to observe yourself. You need to observe your feelings. You need to pay attention, what are the things that make you feel uncomfortable? What are the things that bother you? You need to observe how you react to certain things. You need to define them. It’d be a good idea to write them down, to make a list of them, so you can see them clearly. If you feel that you need to set up boundaries, then don’t skip this step. Defining your boundaries is very important in this process.

Step 2:

Acknowledge and embrace your boundaries

So you have that list by now. It would be also very important to acknowledge and embrace these feelings. So let’s say your neighbor keeps borrowing books from you, which bothers you very much. Now tell yourself, OK, I get angry when she wants to borrow a book again from me (acknowledge your feelings), and that is perfectly OK to get angry and feel the way I do, there isn’t any problem with it. (embrace your feelings). So it’s very important that you shouldn’t feel guilty or bad, just because you say no to something. Just the opposite. You should be proud of yourself that you made a step to appreciate, accept and love yourself more.

Step 3:

Meditate on your problems, send love and blessing to others

I truly believe that we can have an influence on other’s behavior without saying a word to them. Well, I believe many times it works much more better than solving the problem face-to-face. So if you have a problem with someone, then imagine telling him/her your problem in a polite, non-judging manner. Then send love and blessing to him/her. Here is a meditation that you can give it a try in this case also (though I posted it in order to solve conflicts, well, in this case it can solve your inner conflicts): Sending love from the mountains guided meditation
Again please don’t skip this step, because it can solve the whole situation without words. Because the energy works, and you let the Universe (God, your Angels or whoever you believe in) know that you want to change, and also that you accept and appreciate that person, but you also accept and respect yourself in the first place. So I truly believe that meditating on these situations of your life can transform your reality. Messaging your problem in a nice manner and sending love and blessing after it can solve your whole situation. So this step is very important.

Step 4:

Dare to say no

After meditating on the situation, dare to say that magical word: no. Of course again in a polite and non-judging manner, just being honest and speaking your feelings and truth. Because you deserve the right to decide what’s good for you and you can choose to say no, if it feels bad for you.
So staying with the example above, you can choose to say no to your neighbor. So tell your problem to your neighbor in a calm, nice manner. Tell him/her, that you wouldn’t like to give him/her your books, because it feels bad for you. They are your books, and you appreciate your book very much and you just don’t like if they are not in your house.

Step 5:

Observe how you react to others reaction

So let’s say you told your neighbor that you don’t want to give your books to him/her. Then he/she can possibly react two ways.

Reaction 1: He/she might accept your feelings, and tell you, OK, then sorry for bothering you. Why haven’t you told it before? And you might not imagine that your neighbor can react this way, but believe me sending love and blessing can make wonders In this case you are done, you could manage to set up a healthy boundary, your only task is now, to maintain it

Reaction 2: He/she might also get angry with you telling things that you are mean and so on. Then you should try to stay calm and tell him/her politely that this is your choice, and it was bothering you very much. Try to make him/her understand your feelings, your perspective. If you see that you can’t convince him/her, then put an end to the conversation politely and leave him/her. I wrote try to stay calm intentionally, because it’s OK to get angry as well. Your only task is to observe how you react if the person will get angry with your new boundary.

Step 6:

Examine your reaction and look for the answers inside

So again I guess there are two possible ways you could react to your neighbor’s reaction.

Reaction 1: If you could stay calm, and I mean, that you feel calm inside as well, so you didn’t have to force yourself to stay calm, then good job. You’ve done it, you could manage to set up a healthy boundary

Reaction 2: You get frustrated in a way. It can be anger, it can be fear, it can be anything that feels uncomfortable to you. And it doesn’t matter if you could stay calm face to face with your neighbor, what matters is what you feel inside. So examine your feelings, pay attention to them. What is inside you that causes frustration? Try to be honest with yourself. Probably there is something inside you, that makes you feel uncomfortable. And if you can figure it out, then you can accept it and let it go. And that’s the aim. So ask yourself the following questions. Why am I frustrated? Why do I feel the way I do? What is inside me that makes me feel the way I do? If you ask these questions, you'll find the answer inside. It can be fear, it can be self-confidence issues, it can be anything. It's good to get to know what causes the bad feeling inside you, because if you look at those things inside, they can disappear or decrease. It it is a fear for example, it can happen that you won't have that fear anymore, because you looked at it, you realized and accepted it. So you can let it go....

Step 7:

Send love and blessing

If you get frustrated because of the reaction of your neighbor, then again I’d encourage you to send love and blessing to him/her. Because that can clear many blockages. No matter if you found the reason inside you why you got frustrated. It can clear blockages, even if you don’t know that those blockages exist. So this part would be very important again.

Step 8:

Accept and love yourself the way you are

I believe if you follow the steps above, then you’re on the way to accept and love yourself more and more. And if you accept yourself, that means that you accept others, so if they react in a rude manner, you’ll be able to handle that also. You’ll know that they do this because of their fears and frustrations and not because they want to hurt you. So I believe that with the steps above, you already do much for self-acceptance and self-love. But if you feel that you’d like to do more, then there are tons of methods out there to accelerate the process. You can choose to meditate (which I always encourage you to put in practice, no matter what topic I write about), but you can also choose to do the mirror method (Every day take 5 minutes and practice to say to yourself in front of the mirror, while looking at yourself, smiling: I love and accept myself, I believe in myself), or you can choose to listen to guided meditations about self-love (I plan to release one also in the near future), and so on. There are many ways to choose from how you can start to love yourself. But that’s another, great topic

I’m interested. Have you set up your boundaries? Is it easy for you to maintain your boundaries?

© 2018 Spiri Csilla

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