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Temple of Toothpaste

Updated on January 29, 2013

Welcome to the Temple of Toothpaste

If you worship white, sparkling, squeaky clean cuspids and believe in the "Tooth Fairy", you'll feel right at home in the Temple of Toothpaste.

On the other hand, if by any chance you're a cavorting Cavity Critter, a genuinely Germy Gingivitus, a Horrible case of Halitosis, or heaven forbid...The Terrible Tooth Troll ... perhaps you'd best find yourself another "jungle" mouth in which to mess about!

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Image Credit: shutterstock.com/30739144

A Tale from the "Toothpaste Times"

While gazing at herself in the mirror this morning, Henrietta was pleased as punch at thought that she was one of those rare chronologically-gifted hens with some teeth left in her jaw to polish.

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Illustration and caption by Linda Silvestri at http://sketchedout.wordpress.com/page/4/

TV, Truth, Teeth & Teenagers

"Another possible source

of guidance for teenagers is

television, but television's message

has always been that the need

for truth, wisdom and world peace

pales by comparison with the need

for a toothpaste that offers whiter

teeth and fresher breath."

-- Dave Barry, humorist --

Put a Smile on Your Face With "SPLORK"!

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Forget a little dab'll do ya, let's just go whole hog!

THE TRUTH ABOUT TEETH

THE TRUTH ABOUT TEETH
THE TRUTH ABOUT TEETH

Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you!

THE SHORT HISTORY OF TOOTHPASTE

1. It was invented more than 4,000 years ago (by someone who thought it was a good idea at the time.)

2. Until the mid-nineteenth century, toothpaste contained ingredients that would scare the pants off most people; but by the twentieth century manufacturers realized that by adding a feisty flavor perhaps new consumers might be found.

3. The Americans claimed that in 1850, a dentist by the name of Washington Wentworth Sheffield, living in New London, Connecticut created "Creme Dentifrice", but his son who studied in France, figured out it would be handier to stuff it into a tube.

4. It wasn't until 1946 that cavity-fighters discovered that "fluoride" could be added not to mention an artificial sweetener-free toothpaste to make it palatable for a very picky public.

5. After complaints from consumers about gnarled fingers from rolling up too many toothpaste tubes, manufacturers in the 1980s came up with solution...the toothpaste pump, and later the "stand-up" toothpaste tube (which incidentally will never dissolve in the municipal landfill).

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Image Credit: whisky toothpaste print advertisement - reactorfire.files.wordpress.com

"Love conquers all things -- except poverty and toothaches." -- Mae West

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Image Credit: Star Shine Gallery@flickr.com

A TALE OF TOOTHPASTE TEMPESTS AND TORTS

American scientists and sociologists have discovered that while toothpaste is great for cleaning teeth, it has some deleterious side-effects.

1. Brushing one's teeth is often a lonely vigil, (in fact over a lifetime, one spends approximately 3.6 months cleaning one's pearly whites and in the case of obsessive-compulsive types may add another 10 years of time-wasting teeth cleaning), all of which may hinder one's ability to bond with others around a campfire (significantly reducing one's chances of promotion any time soon) or restrain comfortable dinner table conversation since queazy feelings in the stomach more often than not causes frequent trips to the loo (and not a hope in heck of winning the golden key to the executive washroom).

2. Failing to clean the toothpaste tube after use and leaving to the toothpaste tube cap off not only causes an unsightly gooey if not hardened mess that in turn will inflame passions by ending years of marital bliss by putting the "War of Roses" to shame; (all of which is why one should avoid this toothpaste tort if at all possible).

3. Frequent teeth-cleaning will do nothing to sharpen one's incisors nor will it enhance one's marbles (mental floss is the only known filament to remove bad attitudes and ideas which threaten to pollute the plaque-fighting planet). Furthermore, excessive peering into the mirror can lead to nasty narcisstic notions and supercillious self-aggrandizement resulting in a precipitous decline in friends or acquaintances or worse yet sand fights that may escalate in gang-violence if not social unrest.

Life Lesson 43: A healthy happy depends on how long how long you spend washing your teeth, cleaning up after yourself, and staring at yourself in the mirror.

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Image Credit: toothpaste - flutteringbutterflies.com/cartoon-toothpaste-toothbrush-thumb2887476.jpg

TERRIFIC TEETH & TOOTHPASTE QUOTES

"A good friend - like a tube of toothpaste - comes through in a tight squeeze." -- Anonymous

"I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?" -- Carol Burnett, American comedian

"Also new at Phillips is 'Crooked Tooth Pumpkin Ale'...it has a lot of real pumpkin in the beer, along with traditional pumpkin pie spices." -- John Rowling, Celebrator Beer News Magazine

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue." -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), American writer and critic

"Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British author, philosopher, and political activist

"Aristotle could have avoided the mistake of thinking that women have fewer teeth than men, by the simple device of asking Mrs. Aristotle to keep her mouth open while he counted." -- Bertrand Russell

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath." -- Dave Barry, American writer and humorist

"If you can sell green toothpaste in this country, you can sell opera." Sarah Caldwell (1924-2006), American opera conductor, impresario, and opera company director

"Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it is awfully hard to get it back in." H. R. Haldeman (1926-1963), American politician and Watergate co-conspirator

"We are beer market specialists, that is all we focus on. We don't do dog food or toothpaste - just beer." Nicola Pressnell, Operation's Director, Plato Logic

"I wonder if there's such a thing as a spiritual dentist? I think my whole personality is full of cavities!" -- Charles M. Schulz, creator of the comic strip "Peanuts"

WILL BRUSHING YOUR TEETH ENSURE A CLEAN CONVERSATION?

WILL BRUSHING YOUR TEETH ENSURE A CLEAN CONVERSATION?
WILL BRUSHING YOUR TEETH ENSURE A CLEAN CONVERSATION?

MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT FOR YOUR TEETH CLEANING GIG

If Toothpaste Tasted Like Xmas Dinner
If Toothpaste Tasted Like Xmas Dinner

For those who didn't pick up a tube of Turkey Toothpaste over the holidays.

 
Va Va Voom
Va Va Voom

Va Va Voom -- Let's hear it for "Toothpaste 2000"!

 
Toothpaste Kisses
Toothpaste Kisses

Toothpaste Kisses...voted No. 1 by the Molars & Munch crowd!

 

THE ANCIENTS AND THEIR TEETH

"Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths."

-- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher, mathematician, historian, and social reformer

Time To Take A Peek at the Tooth Fairy!

TRIVIA FROM THE TOOTHFAIRY

1) The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't repair itself (which is why the Toothfairy has to work so much overtime).

2) Every tongue print is unique (which is why you may run but you can never hide from the Toothfairy!)

3) 1 out of every 2,000 infants is born with a tooth (which is why the Toothfairy loves them the best!)

TOOTHPASTE TIMES

Toothpaste has been the subject of many conversations, some quite profound, others rather piffling as seen below.

"Miss Garland's figure resembles the giant-economy-size tube of toothpaste in girls' bathrooms: squeezed intemperately at all points, it acquires a shape that defies definition by the most resourceful solid geometrician." -- Sir John Simon (1816-1904), English Physician

"Start the day with GLEEM, the toothpaste for people who can't brush after every meal." -- Tagline for Gleem toothpaste

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together." -- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), American humorist

"Clear Channel is in the business of selling Fords, burgers and toothpaste." -- Lowry Mays, President of Clear Channel Radio in the U.S.

"Brush your teeth with the best toothpaste. Then rinse your mouth with industrial waste." -- Tom Lehrer, American singer, songwriter and Harvard University mathematician.

TOOTHPASTE TEST

Which ingredient has not been used to make toothpaste?

See results

A Tiny Tooth Tale

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon - beyond-my-smile.blogspot.com/5395103178_1ab3532f21.jpg

TOOTHPASTE TAGLINES

Who knew that such titillating taglines could sell a tiny tube of toothpaste?

Who wouldn't want to be "pure" (and "white" as the driven snow), "clean" (as a whistle) and "fresh" (as a daisy ... on second thought, make that as "tasty" as a strawberry)?

"It cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth." Colgate toothpaste, 1945

"Look Ma, No cavities!" Crest toothpaste

"You'll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent." Pepsodent toothpaste, 1953.

"Number 1. Recommended by Dentists." Colgate Total toothpaste

"Behold the Fountain of Youth." Metadent Replenishing White toothpaste

"Take the feeling of clean to the Extreme." Aquafresh Extreme Clean toothpaste

"Pure. Fresh. Clean." Colgate Oxygen toothpaste

"Sparkling White Vanilla Mint." Colgate toothpaste

"The toothpaste that kills germs for a cleaner, fresher mouth." Listerine

What I want to know is when will the titans of toothpaste team up with giants of grub and create a tangy toothpaste such as "Cheese Whiz Flavor..for Big Cheeses only."...they'd make a killing!!! Besides, not only would kids brush their teeth more often but, their ambitious parents would get a leg up on their corporate careers.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LIKE IVORY SNATCHERS, TOOTH CARPENTERS, OR TUSK TECHNICIANS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LIKE IVORY SNATCHERS,  TOOTH CARPENTERS, OR TUSK TECHNICIANS?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LIKE IVORY SNATCHERS, TOOTH CARPENTERS, OR TUSK TECHNICIANS?

THE TRUTH ABOUT TEETH

The Tooth Fairy teaches kids to sell body parts for money while the Leprechaun teaches them to hide gold in their wisdom teeth where the dragons can't find it!

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Image Credit: Chud Tsankov Illustrations at flickr.com

THE TRUTH ABOUT TOOTHPASTE:

Q: How do you know that someone from West Virginia invented toothpaste?

A: If anyone else had invented it, it would have been called teethpaste.

WISE WORDS OF WISDOM...

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Image Credit: Nathalie Dee, cartoonist, "Toothpaste for Dinner"

"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was they they escaped teething."

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-- Mark Twain, American author and humorist --

TOOTHPASTE KISSES MEANS OODLES OF PUCKER POWER!

A Cuspid Christmas Wish Comes True!

Last year I said, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth." Thank God, Santa made good on his promise!

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Image Credit: Jim Lisk, illustrator, cowboy.com

A Tinsel Treat from Toothpaste for Dinner

All I want for Christmas is my TWO FRONT TEETH! Is that too much to ask for at my age!*?

All I want for Christmas is my TWO FRONT TEETH! Is that too much to ask for at my age!*?
All I want for Christmas is my TWO FRONT TEETH! Is that too much to ask for at my age!*?

TOOTHPASTE TOMES

The Toothpaste Secret
The Toothpaste Secret

An orgasmic oral health delight.

 
The Toothpaste of Immortality: Self-Construction in the Consumer Age (Woodrow Wilson Center Press)
The Toothpaste of Immortality: Self-Construction in the Consumer Age (Woodrow Wilson Center Press)

Search for identity in the age of self-cleaning ovens, digital watches, and tasty toothpaste.

 
Made in the USA - Toothpaste
Made in the USA - Toothpaste

Fun facts about the best fang-cleaners in the nation!

 
The Toothpaste Millionaire
The Toothpaste Millionaire

A Titan of Toothpaste Tale if ever there was one!

 
Why There's Antifreeze in Your Toothpaste: The Chemistry of Household Ingredients
Why There's Antifreeze in Your Toothpaste: The Chemistry of Household Ingredients

Look if anti-freeze is good enough for cars...why not teeth!

 

The Tooth Fairy will personally bless all those who leave favorable feedback. For those who choose to fill their boots with cavity-prone comments...she will be obliged to use her puckish powers and invoke her infamous "Root Canal Hex" upon you (which is reason enough to avoid this option!)

LONG IN THE TOOTH COMMENTS APPRECIATED

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    • ViJuvenate profile image

      ViJuvenate 5 years ago

      Whiskey Toothpaste? LOL That's amazing!

    • e-xplorations profile image

      e-xplorations 6 years ago

      cool idea, I like the articles on your lens. Very informative.

    • profile image

      aswani123 7 years ago

      Dental veneers have long been used to create the ultimate smile makeover. With this treatment, it's possible to transform crooked, stained, damaged or badly worn teeth into a brand new, straight, white smile, as seen on many of the Hollywood greats.

    • profile image

      aswani123 7 years ago

      your post is so nice and i am really like it.I was looking at getting veneers but they are mighty expensive looks like I will have to save up for next year.tell me the satisfied and low cost veneers and thanks for sharing the views with me.

    • cannedguds lm profile image

      cannedguds lm 8 years ago

      I never thought I could read a lot about toothpaste! Do you think it's worth it to write something about floss? Maybe you already have, so I think I would write something about flossing without teeth? ehehehe...nice job, fellow Squidmaster! got 5 stars for you!

    • kerbev profile image

      kab 9 years ago from Upstate, NY

      Love it! Thanks for joining the Squidoo Bathroom!