That moment when your life changes...
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Trying to conceive is a true test of patience. Funny how that lesson carries over into parenthood. This is a good time to evaluate and reflect as well as many more things! This time doesn't have to be an anxious one. There are lots of things you can
Ahhh, the frustration!!
I've felt disappointment. That moment when the hopes you've allowed to grow so high and so huge that it's all you can think about come crashing down around you like an enormous weight dragging you from your dreams to a heartbreaking reality.
I watched the calendar as if by doing so I could fast forward to the day that I would know either way. It's a brutal waiting game, and if you allow it, it'll consume your every waking moment and generate absurd thoughts that do nothing but create more stress.
After months of trying to conceive a baby, of my body tricking my mind into believing I was pregnant when I wasn't, of waking up to the bitter truth that it just didn't work out "this month," of worrying that I couldn't get pregnant, I finally just let go of my anxiety and decided to live my life the way I usually did. I held on to the adage that "it'll happen when it's supposed to," as annoying as it was. What else could I do? I didn't completely lose hope, but the obsession was tiresome, and I knew it couldn't be helping matters.
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Real Reactions to Positive Pregnancy Tests -- Find out Bumpies reactions to getting a BFP. Get more pregnancy stories at The Bump.
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Pregnancy Journals -- Record your pregnancy moments with these cute journals. Get more pregnancy stories at The Bump.
Doing a double take....
It's funny how they say the most wonderful things happen when you least expect it. Total cliche, I know, but it's so true! In regards to pregnancy, they also say that when you stop stressing and obsessing, it'll happen. Another cliche, yes, but again, very true.
I had stopped getting my hopes up, stopped changing my lifestyle, and was just enjoying the little things like a morning latte or a nice glass of red wine with dinner. I wasn't trying anymore. My husband, being the wonderful man that he his, thought that my change in perspective was amazing and, although he never said it outright, I'm sure he thought it would allow both of us to maintain our sanity.
It was St. Patty's weekend, and I was really looking forward to that Guinness. I'm Irish, my husband's Irish, so why not let go a little bit? I had lucked out with the weekend off, so Saturday morning I drank my tea and surfed the web, my usual morning routine. With the date being plastered everywhere due to the holiday, it dawned on me that I was a couple of days late.
No biggie, I told myself. It's happened before, so there's not too much to get excited about. But for the heck of it, why not use that last Clearblue test, just for fun? This was the mindset that I forced myself into, not wanting to feel that crushing disappointment again on a weekend that was supposed to be full of laughs, green beers, and Irish toasts. But I also wanted to make sure there wasn't a very big reason I was late, with the looming party and all.
If you've ever taken a pregnancy test, you know the drill. Have a seat, pee on the stick, and allow the longest few minutes of your life to pass.
I didn't expect much, mostly just the usual except this time instead of being upset I would shrug my shoulders, shake it off, and basically have an "oh well" attitude.
I did the deed and watched as the blue horizontal line started to form. No surprises there. I kept my eyes on that little plastic fortune teller for about two seconds, still seated, and then, to my complete surprise, a vertical line started to cross the horizontal one. I distinctly remember saying, "Oh. My. God." When the lines became completely solid, and there was no mistaking the plus sign, I jumped up and screamed "Holy...!!" Well, I'm sure you can guess the inappropriate ending of that exclamation.
Barely remembering to clean myself up, I started pacing around the house, test in hand, eyeballs surely protruding from my face. I didn't know what to do with myself. It's unlike any other feeling I've ever had, and I was shaking with excitement, nervousness, and the inability to believe what I was seeing.
I kept double checking the test, making sure I wasn't seeing or imagining things. Every time I looked, tears would form behind my eyes as this mixed sense of relief and joy washed over me. It's one of those moments that you try to imagine beforehand, that you envision endless times, but until it comes, you really have no idea how you're going to feel.
Finally, after a few tissues, some mild screaming in excitement, and probably a mile's worth of pacing, I looked at the clock. Only 9:30? In the morning?! Holy crap. My husband wouldn't get home until 5:30 that night. How could I hold this news in, keep it all to myself, for eight whole hours? This would most certainly be the longest day of my life.
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Telling the Daddy-To-Be...
How would I tell my husband? My heart pounded in my ears at the thought. I was so nervous! Not to mention excited. I thought of texting him a picture of the positive test, but that was way too impersonal. Besides, I wanted to see the look on his face when the moment hit him. I had the idea of meeting him at work with the big plus sign, then taking him out to dinner to celebrate, but I wanted to enjoy the discovery in the privacy of our own home, not in the front seat of his slightly messy Jeep.
Looks like all I could do was hunker down and do whatever I could to pass the time as quickly as possible. I finally got around to taking a shower, tried to relax, but with only a bar of soap and my racing thoughts, there was no calming down. I blogged a bit, did a lot of research and reading about the first trimester. What to eat? What not to eat? Could I exercise? How would I tell my husband? So many things to consider!
Finally, exhaustion hit me. Adrenaline wears you out! I decided to just veg-out in front of the t.v. all day. What better way to waste time? Not to mention it finally chilled me out.
Checking the clock every hour, I finally came to the point when I needed to figure out what the heck to do to reveal the news to my honey. I made reservations at our favorite restaurant, wanting to celebrate without actually having to cook (and clean up) a nice dinner myself, and went about finding a box to wrap the positive test up like a present.
I tied it up with a pretty bow, lit some candles, got dressed up and prettified, and literally watched the driveway out my front window.
When he pulled up, I swear I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest it was racing so fast. I was sweating, shaking, and so freaking nervous I thought I might pass out.
He walked in, saw the present and candles and asked, "Is it my birthday? It's not an anniversary of some kind that I forgot, is it?" I laughed and told him to have a seat and open his present.
"What is it?," he asked, in his typical fashion instead of just opening it. I thought I would lose my mind!
"Just open it!," I said, my frustration amplified by my anxiety.
He untied the bow in excruciatingly slow fashion while I bobbed up and down in excitement. Finally, he popped the top on the box, and I had the undeniable pleasure of seeing him freeze in place. He sat there for a moment, unmoving and staring at the contents of the box.
Then he looked up with a semi-blank face and stared at me for half a second. His eyes lit up and he smiled.
"You're pregnant?," he whispered. I nodded.
"Get over here!," he demanded, and our journey began.