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"I Want to Die" -- Coping with Thoughts of Suicide

Updated on July 28, 2012

Understanding suicidal thinking is a first step to coping with thinking you want to die.

When thoughts of suicide and ways to kill yourself dominate your thinking, it can be nearly impossible to get through the desperation, hopelessness, isolation, and pain. When your head swirls with "help me from killing myself" to "should I kill myself" to "committing suicide is the only way out", finding reasons to live becomes a quagmire filled with false steps and no foundation. There are ways through the muck and back to solid ground.

Understanding is a first step.

If you are thinking of killing yourself and want ideas to stay alive during the more intense moments, see I am Suicidal! If someone you know is suicidal, find out how you can help. For immediate help, please call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you are outside the U.S., please visit the Befrienders for hotline numbers for 60 different countries.

Feeling Suicidal

If you are having thoughts of suicide, you are not alone. Suicidal thinking isolates and destroys the people it infects. It twists every thought and experience into pain, isolation, destruction, hopelessness, and worthlessness. This thinking is not you. Suicidal thoughts are a dark, awful, terrifying storm in your brain. The storm isn't you.

Most people know thinking about suicide is often related to depression. Thoughts of suicide can also relate to a physical problem, anxiety, substance abuse, a number of mental health situations, and other factors. While causes of suicidal thinking aren't the focus of this page, please understand there can be a number of reasons for suicidal thoughts. Please consider seeing a doctor. A thorough physical exam can diagnose or rule out physical causes and possibly speed your way to recovery.

Understanding what is happening in your mind is one key to staying alive. You can make it through this and enjoy life again. By understanding some of the ways suicidal thinking hijacks your thought process, you increase your odds of finding coping strategies to help you manage the storm.

Tools to Help the Suicidal Mind

Read a full review of the best book for suicidal thinking here.

Twisted Memories

When I was suicidal, I went from competent, capable and balanced to self-loathing, needy, empty, and despairing so completely that I could just vaguely remember having ever been different. This is one important aspect of suicidal thinking.

When you are thinking about suicide, you cannot trust your memories to be accurate. Suicide twists your thinking so much that it is difficult or impossible to remember being happy, successful, calm, or at ease. Happy memories become clouded and every small painful thing that has ever happened to you crowds into the front seat of your mind fighting for attention.

This is a characteristic of what I call the Suicide Voice; it isn't the truth! You must tell yourself that all the thoughts of failure and worthlessness are the Suicide Voice over and over and over again. Despite all the apparent proof in your head that you are a horrible loser and life is not worth living, you must tell yourself repeatedly that those thoughts are distorted lies and only temporary.

Hopelessness

Another pervasive quality about thoughts to commit suicide is the helplessness and hopelessness that takes over. Whereas you once were able to handle life and muddle through stressful times, now things like checking the mail, much less opening it create such overwhelming feelings of inadequacy that you start to believe you cannot do anything, that you will never be able to function again, and that you are a stupid, incompetent mass of molecules taking up space.

Again, this is a lie. This is just another characteristic of suicidal thinking, just like a cough is a characteristic of a cold. It is not true, and it is not forever. Today you may not be able to manage. That's okay. It is not an indication of your tomorrow. Even though you may not see it or believe it now, a day will come when opening your mail or buying groceries will not cause you to lie down, get angry, or cry.

Circular Thinking

Everyone does this sometimes, People who feel suicidal do it a lot!

The incessant conversation in your mind replays situations over and over again in an endless loop so you continually beat up on yourself and wish things from the past were different. This awful trait keeps you firmly stuck in the muck. It is quicksand and can lead to suicide attempts. By understanding that this is another symptom of suicide's pervasive grip, you can more easily stop it.

This circular thinking, also called, "rumination", can be stopped. The first step is learning to identify it.

Learn more about stopping rumination here.

Future?

The last aspect of suicide I want to cover in this article is the way thoughts about the future are affected. People who struggle with suicide often find that "future" becomes just a word. It loses all meaning. This does not mean there is no future or that you don't have one; it only means that suicide is preventing you from seeing it. It's like wearing dark sunglasses inside -- just because it looks dark doesn't mean it is.

If you are thinking about killing yourself, it is akin to wearing really dark sunglasses. There are ways to take the sunglasses off. It takes time, patience, support, and help.

Support and help can take a lot of different forms. Many people are helped by therapy and/or antidepressant medication. Others are helped by churches. Anonymous help can be found by calling a Suicide Hotline or the Samaritans or through peer support from someone who has been there. Getting help in whatever form is most comfortable to you is vital to getting through this. You don't have to do it alone, and there are options that are safe, affordable, and confidential.

For more information on Spirituality and Self Help, please visit my blog.

Understanding Suicidal Thinking

Have you struggled with thoughts of suicide? Has this information been helpful and/or do you have suggestions? Please share your thoughts. Your voice matters.

Managing Your Mind

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      oksana 2 years ago

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      Lonely girl 2 years ago

      i'm 21 and I already feel like my life is over. I can never do anything right in anyone's eyes including my own. I feel like every day I wake up and think what's the point. would anyone actually care if I didn't wake up. I can't see a future for me, its just a word with no meaning. I find myself looking for ways to die, I feel like there's a continuous loop going on in my brain telling me I can't do this, what's the point, no one cares anyways. I wish I could cope better but it just doesn't ever seem to get any better.

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      anonymous 2 years ago

      I am 70, splitting with my narcissistic husband after 40 years. I called the police, he was charged and now keeps insisting that I lied. He has total control of finances, does online banking in another province. He is living in a hotel near. I am totally alone,have lived in this house for nearly 40 years have to clear it to sell. my life is now over and I just want to die no one seems to understand that I just want to die, I pray every night

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      hayley 2 years ago

      Thank you for the article. Its just hard when the only people you have are your small children. Get Christmas done then we can be together in Heaven. Sometimes people can't be saved when they are so alone. But thanks

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      MCsquared 2 years ago

      Thank you. This article helped me through today

    • profile image

      Johnb875 2 years ago

      It's a mammoth playground built of mountains, hills, lakes, baabedfegadd

    • profile image

      michael 2 years ago

      My son committed suicide on August 9, 2014, just 9 days before his 29th birthday. An active duty Army staff sargeant, he was on a fast track to early promotions and increased responsibility. He served two tours in the Middle East, one in Iraq, the other in Afghanistan. When he returned home from Afghanistan, he was given as assignment as a recruiter. He and his wife of 6 years moved to South Carolina, where for the next two years he continued his outstanding performance of his duties. Then, one Frday evening just 9 days before his birthday, he started drinking heavily. He was saying things about his combat tours, according to his young wife, and then, without any warning ,he said "F*%# it!", put a pistol to head and shot himself, in front of his wife.

      She has an enormous amount of pain and guilt, and so do I. He was her husband, her lover, her confidant and future. For me, not only was he my only son, he was also my best friend, my drinking at home buddy, the guy that could understand what I was talking about when I said, "Event horizon", my future, my immortality. Now, he's gone. We'll never hear his voice or footsteps again, his laugh, his ribald comments. And yet... his wife, unbeknownst to either Chris or her, was and is still pregnant when that awful day occurred. Now, there is a future, a child that will gift us with a part of him. Hope, for our world

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      Vicky 2 years ago

      A couple of weeks ago I was in a dark period in my life, the man I love to bits had gone off with someone else, that was when I was told about this Esango Priest. Well he told me he could see that we would get back together that gave me hope, and he was right, because this week we have moved in with each other and we are so happy. A big thank you to Esango Priest. If you are in need of an angel please get in touch with my Esango Priest via email:esangopriest@gmail.com

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      Adams Bella 3 years ago

      My name is Adams Bella, i live and work in Oxford shire, UK. My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids, I felt like ending it all, i almost committed suicide because he left us with nothing, i was emotionally down all this while. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr.oyinbo of Ultimate spell cast which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I came across several of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and also spell to get a good paid job so on. He is amazing, i also come across one particular testimony, it was about a woman called Vera, she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped his email.After reading all these, I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than ever.Dr.oyinbo you are a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster, Try him anytime, he is the answer to your problems. you can contact him on ( prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com or prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com) or call him +2348074066640. he is the best caster that can help you with your problems.

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      nobody 3 years ago

      I am 50 yrs old and cannot rember a time I didn't wish i was dead. I think of suicide everyday I haven't done it because I dont want to hurt people around instead everyday I hurt myself by living

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      extexn59 3 years ago

      @InquisitiveOne LM: thanks for the note, luckily I am so busy and so many depend on me do not have time to dwell on suicide except for moments in the wee hours of the night.

      I just fear that I will loose the battle some day. I only have so much fight left in me.

      thanks again

    • InquisitiveOne LM profile image
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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @extexn59: Hi Exten59. Thank you for writing. It sounds like you've been through a lot. I understand how you would feel so tired of trying to keep going. I felt similarly for three years, and just wanted everything to stop so I could finally rest. After all the hard work you've done, I hope you'll consider keeping suicide a second or third choice instead of a first choice, both for you and your wife. I'll be thinking of you.

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      extexn59 3 years ago

      from the time I was a kid, I was the strong one. I was the person others reached out to when they needed help. my strongest traits were resilience, patience and empathy.

      at 51, I suffered a series of three strokes. the medical profession wrote me off, telling there was no hope an d suggesting to my wife of 29 years. that I most likely needed to be institutionalized.

      in my normal resilient fashion, I ignored all this and set a course to prove them all wrong. between traditional therapy, yoga and mediation I have had engineered a miraculous recovery over the last five years according to my neurologist.

      except, all I can think about is killing myself.

      I am so exhausted, I just want sleep

    • InquisitiveOne LM profile image
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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @superclown: Hi. Yes. If you click on my picture, you're taken to my profile. Right beneath the photo on my profile, there's a button that says, "Contact". If you click that, your email will get sent to me privately, and I can respond personally to the email address you have on file with Squidoo.

      I'm in three different countries over the next eight days, so it may take me a few days to get back to you. I will though. Please hang in there. I'm not an expert, but I do have some pointers. For immediate crisis, I've gotten a lot of feedback that my book is helpful, but it's primarily for immediate crisis. That's where I'm strongest as I trained in suicide intervention, but I may be able to give a few ideas on how to start moving forward as well.

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      superclown 3 years ago

      Any idea where I can start? And I would love to write as time allows.

    • InquisitiveOne LM profile image
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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @superclown: Hello Superclown, and thank you for writing. I'm sorry it took until this morning to respond to you. I moderate comments to keep trolls from causing any harm and had already shut down my computer last night when you wrote in.

      I understand your words very well. I was working in mental health when I became suicidal and felt a lot of the things you expressed.

      There is encouragement here. You can also write me directly, although I have to let you know I'm still putting my life back together after two brain surgeries, travel a fair amount, and am not always very good about responding quickly.

      You have seen a tremendous amount of tragedy, and it does take its toll. I hope you are able to find peace and some purpose as you continue to move forward through this. There is a way out of the emptiness of which you write. It's different for everyone, and I can't necessarily tell you how; I just know it's possible. Please take care of yourself, and thank you again.

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      superclown 3 years ago

      @lostsoul25: I hope your doing better

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      superclown 3 years ago

      I'm very confused here. I read all the bad stuff, truly it's bad and the pain I've been reading is so real. God bless all. I, as many of you here feel like ending my life. I feel no hope. Been in health care for 30 yrs. actually as a paramedic and RN. Seen many many things. So many suicides in every form. It's so sad to see the ones left behind hurt. Such a dark dreary scene. People don't do it. And I say that to say here I am. End of a career with a wife of 20 yrs that absolutely does not understand me. Such a selfish person emotionally. Even sexually. Career is ending as it should, where am I needed now, where is my value? So tired of ems,Er stuff. Marriage is not good ( for me). Finances are not good. Deal with chronic pain from a motorcycle wreck that I should hv and wish I would hv died in. I see nothing but old age, no purpose. No meaning. Got to get out of this rut. Yes I did it. I have all this going for me and want to die. Even make plans. That's scary. I don't like being so selfish but I'm just a worn out pos. whatever. So I'm posting just to vent and hope to find some words of encouragement. True I know I need help but I'm the helper. So many would be shocked if they new this was written. Want to move and start a new life but others keep me tied down. Wife mainly, kids grown. She has no ambition for future. So happy doing nothing. You ever feel like a huge jig saw puzzle? No desire to put yourself back together. Outlook is so gloomy. And to have the nerve to pray for God to take you away. Don't get it. Just want to lay around n rot. Whatever. People as an act of love please pray for those ems/ Er workers that live their life so hard. I could write a book on tragedy. The system uses you and spits you out. Most of us have seen more tragedy than any one human should in 5 lifetimes. Shout a prayer for them. Love and hope guys. I'm just here but I'm so ready to move on. Just scared the good lord won't take me in. Really think that's the only reason I don't kill myself now.

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      qazwsx11 3 years ago

      I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for three years now but I REFUSE to kill myself because I could not hurt my family especially my mom like that. It would ruin her but I know if she were to die tomorrow I would most certainly kill myself without a question. My life isn't even bad, I am very fit and attractive, my mom paid for my whole college degree so I am financially stable, and I have a lot of friends and yet I suffer so badly because I try so hard to be perfect and I have issues with my body/drugs and alcohol and yet my family will never know because I feel like I need to be perfect. Now that I just graduated college I feel like I have nothing to look forward too because I don't know my next step in life. I am seriously unhappy but play it off like I am the happiest person ever. I know if I committed suicide everyone would be so shocked. I want to die but I can't be selfish and do that to the people that care about me, so I won't do it. But trust me each day I wish somehow ill die where it wasent my fault. There are times where I am truly happy but every time I am stressed out I just want to die because I feel like I have nothing to look forward too and being a perfectionist just makes everything else so much worse and I have NO ONE to talk to because of my perfectionist attitude. People have it so much worse than me and I don't even have it bad but im so ready to die

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      26amy 3 years ago

      I don't think I want to die, but I sure as hell do not want to live... I wish my parents never had me, I wish I had died at birth, I wish I had the courage to end my life when I was 16 and wanted to. Now?... Now, it's too late.. I have to be responsible, I have to be an adult... I hate my life and am looking forward to the final end... No more... No more...

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      TrustTheSource 3 years ago

      @endofgame: You - created by God to be the person he or she made you to be. No one else can do it. It's like you were cast for the show of your life by God. He or she, CHOSE you for the part. I think it's very likely that before you got the part, you auditioned for the role. You actually wanted it. You knew how painful it would be. You knew how hard your road would be. And yet, God needed somone to play that role. Maybe the role was being the father for your daughter. Maybe it was to be a role model for her to show her strength and courage in the face of pain, misery, and rejection. I know you are hurting. However, believe it will get better. Believe you will have the strength to persevere. You feel as though you have nothing left to give, you feel as though there is nothing left for you to do. Could it be that what you have to give is to look this pain and hopelessness in the face, smile, and tell it "Is that all you've got?" Perhaps what you are contributing to the world is courage in the face of devastation and pain. Unfortunately, many people who contribute to planting, watering, fertilizing, and caring for a garden don't get to actually eat the food it produces. You may not be the one to get to enjoy the fruits of your displays of courage. But believe me when I tell you that your daughter most likely will benefit from your actions. You, like everyone who posts to this board have a role to play on this Earth. Do not give up. God will call you home when it's time. But for now, the show must go on. Trust in the Creator. Reach out to the Source. Ask for help and know that it is coming. But never forget you are here for a reason. Don't look to other peoples' lives for that reason. They are here for different reasons. Find yours. I will pray for you tonight. With love I say may God bless you for your courage.

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      endofgame 3 years ago

      I just read through some of these sad stories in here and i wish I couldmeet with some.Like the guy who has no friends. Eccentric people are my favorite. Sorry your suffering. My story also sucks. I am 39 years old. Married 11 years and have an 8 year old angel who is a big time daddys girl. Was blessed with the ability of using my hands. Can build houses/cars or anything else with a little research. I had a lot of pride in that ability and was the go to guy. I married a beautiful philippino woman who stole my heart. Couple years later while my wife was 5 months pregnant with my angel i ended up with a back injury. I was an operating engineer for work running escvators and site trucks. Was a rough job because there was a lot of equipment onsite and no one dedicated to keeping the "roads" smooth. After bouncing around onsite in equipment for 3 weeks my back gave out and i was in bed peeing in bottles. After day 4 of not being able to stand my dr called for an ambulance to come and pick me up. This became the first day of my death march. At the hospital an mri of my spine showed astrocytoma tumor pushing on my spinal cord. Was brought to surgery where they hurt me so bad that as a 30 year old i was on a walker for the next 7 months. The surgery was a failure as the tumor wa fused to my spinal cord. The whole situation changed who my wife is. She went from singing around the house to crying in bed and asking me not to leave her to putting up permanent emotional walls and i have never seen that sweet woman again. I finally madeit back to work but i had to do it on my own terms and way so i started my own business. I was making less money but my wifes career was growing so it seemed to be ok. Well after 8 years of medical bills and stress of trying to stay alive for my angel my body is failing. I was recently told by my dr that i cannot work anymore. I lost more then 50 percent feeling in my legs and i pass out regularly from electrical firestorms which usually end with me waking up to extreme facial injuries from the fall. In those 8 years i had 6 surgeries and 12ambulance rides. My wife is so guarded that she is rude to me on a regular basis. She even told me twice that she does not love me. I am to the point that i am useless. I needhelp putting on pants and socks. Financially my life is falling apart and am in the march to complete financial destruction. Would have to say divorce is a real possibility now to because i cant take the mouth anymore. The minute i open my eyes in the morning i wish it was over. The real problem is that i was the go to guy. People actually get mad at me today because i can not help them with their problems. Atthis point iam ready to leave this world. No question. Only reason i am still here is because of my little angel. My daughter wo is about to turn 9 learned for the first time last week dadyy has a tumor. She has seen me in the hospital many times or ambulance but i would always say my back huts. She oer heard me talking to my doc and the look on her face was one of fear. We sat down and hugged and talked about it shortly and we both fell asleep while embracing and have not brought it up again. I have given up. I have nothing left in the tank. I have been a financial anchor for the last 8 years and now i will be losing it all. I applied and was denied SS benefits even though my dr and the doc they sent me to both say there is no meaningful employment i am able to do. My wife one day willsay "you taking care of the house and our daughter is a big enough contribution" and the next day "when are you getting a job"?. I have had enough and my days are numbered!

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      dale60p 3 years ago

      My life herer is done;My mine can hve no rest, Itry to think of a reason for living,but I am trapt by my mimd and all the meds I have been on does not.I have got to try to hide my body and have allready stsrted All I wont peace in my head,and I know there are more after death.This is not a bid for pitty,this summer is my year and in a few days i weii go looking for my final place of rest. cleetismassey@gmail.com

    • InquisitiveOne LM profile image
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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @shittnedbetter: Hi and thank you for writing. Again, I caution you not to make judgments about other people's lives. Whether someone can or can't have a family does not discount their pain. We are all here to share "how bad it is" and to offer support to one another -- not to discount each other.

      None of us can know what anyone else is going through. Everyone's pain and experiences have merit. Comparing your life to snippets of other people's stories you read on the internet and deciding they have it better doesn't serve you or anyone else. The point of this forum is to have a place to share and to offer support for others who are hurting.

    • InquisitiveOne LM profile image
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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @shittnedbetter: I'm sorry you're hurting. You say, "you guys don't know what hell is." Many of us here do. Everyone here has a story of pain. Many of us here have been dealt some horrible traumas and life situations to get through.

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      shittnedbetter 3 years ago

      @lostsoul25: but the difference is you can have family. my life suck god damn it. so dont tell me how bad it is cus you can mean something to somene. my life is to late im 45 and single and dead. i live with mom and bro and sis. I hate my life to live when someone special in the world like you has much more than me to live for. just think of my life to see how good yours is. No job no car no wife no kids god please help these people that don't get it. I wish you a pleasant recovery. I'm only here until my mom passes/ Promised my dead dad. yea

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      shittnedbetter 3 years ago

      when you don't have a job and yur just like me then your life sucks.you guys don't know what hell is. ive watched people die including dad. As an alterboy in church and life in general. I wish i could change life with someone that really deserves to live. there is alot of them. Just remember you actually are better then me. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering like mine. Just remember that you actually mean something too someone. I will die eventually. But i still ask the Question , why me. keepon living for me please.

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      shittnedbetter 3 years ago

      @anonymous: Amen!you know how i feel

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      Black71 3 years ago

      I spend so much time fighting life I'm exhausted. I just want to stop and let darkness descend so I don't have to think, to pretend, to drag myself through another pointless and worthless day.

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      justmealone 3 years ago

      My husband died of ALS. I am glad he is gone. He wasn't there for me in my hour of need. I am deciding if I should kill myself today. I have already raised 3 kids, so really I'm all done with this life. My husband is dead and rotting in the ground. I don't have a career or money, or anything else to keep me here. It is m MY time now! Whether I choose to use my time here on earth or move onto the next life and the next level, it is my choice alone. It is time for ME now. Only ME!!!!!!

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      Mercyplease101 3 years ago

      I feel the same way, i got up one day and both my feet was swelled as big as footballs, They both ended up busting and nothing but water came out and after i went to the doctor he said that they both were eat up with infection. Now im in a wheelchair , in constant pain, ive become a drug addict because of the pain. TO be honest thats not even the start of it. I have prayed to god more times than the pope and ...well i just dont know. If theres godly way to help my situation i havent found it. I hate it when ppl say , you have alot to be happy for your family loves you. Well to all those ppl that say that, ..YOU have no idea what your talking about. when we have familys its a constant reminder of the hell we are putting them through. Why on hearth would i want my daughter or parents spending time with me when that can be enjoying life. Im just a burden, to them and myself. If god is listening i have only 1 request that he releases me from this agony. Ill scrub the toilets in heaven with a toothbrush. Ill happily accept the lowest job of a servent if the good lord will take me home. There has to be more to life than this.

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      jenniferbb 3 years ago

      @john-berrey-71: Your type of people are certainly not alone. I played dumb to just "hang" with people because majority of the people that I know in my area are pretty dumb. They like to talk about what's "hot" but never showed interested like music, nature or anything. John, everyone gets old. I understand the fear of losing your appearance but that's what everyone will goes through one day. Looks can fade easily and if you care too much what people thinks you are just making your life harder that way. I like to keep educate myself so I can feel young once more.

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      jenniferbb 3 years ago

      @gonesoon: Physical abuse can take a toll on your mental health. I still remember when I was physical abused by my parents when I was young. It was not slapping my hand or those and it was using a metal pole and hit me all over my body until it bruised. And usually it's because they were in a bad mood. I also suffer some kind of physical sickness as well. Maybe that's why they abused me like that, also my personality didn't help either. BUT I still want a better life, I work hard to try to get away from all the negative people in my life because I think I deserved it. I am not going to let someone else ruin my life and I'll be the one that's going to suffer.

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      jenniferbb 3 years ago

      @Phobia_Trapped: I think your suicidal thoughts are mostly related to the stress that caused by your family. If you can find a new job that support you and allow you to get you away from all the negativity around you(your family I assume?) A new start is something that can do wonders for people.

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      Phobia_Trapped 3 years ago

      I have wanted to die for quite awhile now. I keep ending up in medical centers that shove pills down me expecting me to be all happy and skipping down the halls.. yeah right.. my life has been one bad thing after another.. I honestly can not remember one moment in my life that was good.. I have been separated for 12 years and have 3 kids. I worked for a bank for 17 years and got layed off I then had no choice but to move back in with my mother which was a horrible mistake but it was either her or my car with my kids... my grandmother died not long after.. she had a stroke. I stayed with her to the end and she would always ask to see her grandchildren but the hospital would not let them in? I argued with them up and down about it.. and it killed me a little at a time every time she would ask to see them and I had to tell her that she could not.. the look on her face every time is stuck in my head forever.

      I am 37 now and I feel like I can not take any more. The family that I have left could care less if I dropped dead.. I think my mother would love it because last time I was in the hospital she said she was thinking of fighting for custody for my kids.. and my sister said that she is a better mother to them then I will ever be... which makes me feel even more hopeless. the doctors just said I have major depression... but no matter what they put me on I can not stop thinking about death. I want to know what happens when we die. I don't have a religion I believe in everything.. there are to many religions out there for them all to be wrong... I know I need to get away from my backstabbing family but then I will be totally alone. I don't have any friends.. I don't go out or talk to people.

      I think a good start for me would be to find a way not to think about death. but I am not sure how.. I have tried so many times to think of something else to get my mind off of it but I always end up crying... and crying...and crying... and it will not go away.. :(

      Any suggestions would be great.. I have heard a lot of things but nothing seems to work... just please don't get started on god being the savior of all... like I said I don't disbelieve in any religion but I don't want to be pushed into one... :)

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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @Danabh: I agree. Please don't. I was suicidal for years. Life can get better and less painful.

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      Danabh 3 years ago

      @gonesoon: Please don't

      Wait

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      zoerella-page 3 years ago

      @lonelywoman: I will be your friend

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      lonelywoman 3 years ago

      i feel like that I want to die I have nothing to live for any more nothing at all I feel weak and pale all the time as I don't eat much to die in my sleep I live a darkness in me im a lost soul in some ways cant go on at all ....its horrid as to the point of not coping at all ...its sickly as .....knowing u want to die ......

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      gonesoon 3 years ago

      I have been thinking about killing myself for awhile now,so I have everything in place to do it I have the day planned and it will finally be over. I came from an abusive home both sexual,mental and physical. I remember the first time I was touched I was sitting on his lap and he touched my private place. I was 5 when it started no one helped,no one cared. I was bullied made fun of at school,going was torture but staying at home was worse I prayed for it to all end but it didn't. I tried suicide when I was 14 , almost succeded but unfortunately I was found and taken to the hospital,once out of ICU I spend 14 days in a psych hospital . I'm older now but still carry the pain of years and years of abuse. I'm tired I just want to fall asleep and peacefully die. In a few weeks no one will be here they have plans to go on a short trip that will be the day I die. I feel so at ease knowing my end will be soon. I'm not writing a suicide note I don't think anyone would really care either way. Well farewell peace to all.

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      lostsoul25 3 years ago

      thank you so much for your support InquisitiveOne. Reading the other post brings my thoughts to reality that its so many people hurting like me. I appreciate so much your attention to my life. you are right.and she does need me,I will do my best to keep my head up and take on my life to not my past but my future.

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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @lostsoul25: Dear Lostsoul,

      Your words are so powerful! I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. You have support here, and people here understand being in pain, turmoil, despair, and fear. Thank you for opening up about your life and all you've been through. It's always courageous to share yourself. This is not a place of judgement, and hopefully, it is a place of hope.

      I do believe you can find your way through this. Your past and all the horrible messages you've heard do not define have to define your future. We share some similarities in our backgrounds. It wasn't until I was 40 years old that I let some of the horrible things from my past go and began creating a life I wanted. Please don't wait as long as me. You are not your past. It has shaped you, yes -- but you are not your past, and you are not other people's mistakes or the things other people have said to you.

      Thank you for trying to stay alive for your daughter. Thank you for trying to break the cycle of neglect and abuse for her. She does love you. You are loved.

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      lostsoul25 3 years ago

      how is it that a attractive 25 year old female want to go under the mattress where a loaded gun lays and pull the trigger? im turning into a evil bitch. Im angry wheni open my eyes. i cry everyday of my life. EVERYDAY. i think my looks has mademy life worse. coming from a drug addicted mother, she always left me. everybody that ive cared about in my life has LEFT ME. i put on a front when i have to leave my house. if it was up to me id stay in and die. ive lost interest in shopping, singing, reading, school and ive picked up my own drug addictions that don't help. half of my life ive been traumatized. i cant remember one memory, not one father God of ever being happy. Ever. ive was always the nice pretty girl who got bullied as a child and came home to a broken home with broken dreams. yea there where times things eased up but ive always had to worry because i knew that every shelter,every church, everyone who helped it wouldn't last because m mom wasn't ready to change. Still to this day as a 62 yr old woman unfortunately after 10 years she has relapsed and in my mind all i can think about is what she put me through and to do it again is like saying fuck your feelings,your nothing. my siblings never call or come by. ive never had any friends..people come and go,girls usually find a way to not like me because im very attractive but GOD KNOWS IN THE INSIDE I FEEL LIKE SO UGLY!! i don't see beauty. i don't see life. i remember having a broad imagination as a child and looking up in the sky dreaming of a betta day. i never hugs growing up, no i luv yous, once i got to puberty the lack of love turned into hate towards me. still to this day my mother tells me im not shit,never will be, i think im better than everybody,everything that's happened to me i deserved. MAN. and i love this lady so much. she has slowed down with the names but for her to relapse on crack is tearing me apart. i don't know who my dad is and has never seen him a day in my life. im black and latina, and my mother is black and i look more latina. i know not any part of my other side, not even his name. maybe he would've been here for me and showed me love and i wudnt have been so vunerable to men. ive been raped, held at gunpoint for sexual acts. ive had an affair with a professional athete that ruined my life by giving me a disease that wont leave me. God. my father God. Im being completely honest because i need someone to se the inside of me instead of the outside. what am i to do? honestly i know suicide is not an option all because of the 7yr old heartbeat sleeping in her bed but somebody help me please,oh god please help.oh God I love my baby and i couldn't bare for her to mourn for me. she is the only somebody who i kniw loves me. but when u still wanna die.its a serious problem. i met a good man, a few, but cant bare to tell my secret i push them away. so now im doing cocaine, alcohol,weed,anything to take away my pain. i wasn't going to write this, but then i felt the need to be heard and not looked at. Can u imagine my life. all i ask is for prayer because im a firm believer in my father God but the devil is on me and idk how to break this cycle. i feel like im going crazy. please pray for me and my family. this is not a suicidal cry.this is a cry for hope. all i want is peace and to smile and mean it. Father God oh my father please help me.

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      anonymous 3 years ago

      Hin John, we are all getting older and sometimes things change in our lifes. For example friends, Family, food you liked before and may not care for now. Hopes and dreams turn to nightmares and the things we think of get intense and become not feelings or lies anymore.

      John, just becasue you worked at a convenience store does not make you a Moron. If so well maybe I am one too. You are not a Moron! People think money is everything, sure john it helps. I am alone in my way. Nice house, who cares? Wife, who cares? Husband who cares. John, I am svery sad for you that you are homeless. I am not so once again I am sad for you. Can you get help in your Area? If you had a accident and you are hurt, there are people that can help you. I know it sounds easier then Life itself.

      John, also who cares what your beliefs are about Chistianity? Do you? if they dont except you because the think you are not worthy well I have got news for them!!! You sound like a really nice person. You are not weird, I can tell by what you are saying. Maybe they are the ones that are weird. I can relate. You are a person and human. You have talent. You say you play the guitar, that is not weird.You could go to a place and see if they would let you play in a Restaurant. You say your homeless, there are people that can help you and give you warm food. They are called shelters. You are very intelligent andbe well. I know that it is harder said then done. Please keep me posted..

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      john-berrey-71 3 years ago

      I am getting older and at 53 most of the things I once loved and lived for are gone. I lost my disgusting job I managed to hold onto for a few months as a Seven-eleven moron. I used to be a handsome thirty something real estate Broker with a wife and nice house. Declining health now takes it's toll. Suddenly everyone seems to have money but me. I've been homeless off and on for seven years now. My teeth are all infected. My back hurts from a motorcycle accident. I play a wonderful guitar but I can never afford one. My family is large and entirely Christian. They have all rejected me because I am not. I cannot be. As I am well educated and the ideology is not only fatuous but vituperative to me. I cannot even visit any of them. They call me weird and strange and simply make fun of me because I take medication for major depression. I have intellectual heroes and people I admire. But I have not a single friend. I am the guy who tries to talk to people at the restaurant or store. A weird older guy with no friends and no acceptance of this new age America. Plastic, upside down. I have learned so much but it matters not at all. There is no one who cares. No one to listen to lessons of history or to philosophy. Certainly they are not interested in me. Even when I like them. Everyone is incessantly busy. It is this combination of depression and that my people are going extinct. My peoples traditions. Western culture. It all leaves me hopeless. The older I get the more dumbed down America has become. As a clear intellectual thought suicide seems a reasonable option. I mean, one shall die nonetheless. Why wait for more foreigners to take, take, take and for my physical pain to grow worse as my people decline rapidly worldwide. I don't need or want help. I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe as an explanation to a growing trend - suicide. One slumbers and one is no more. There can be no conundrum nor suffering if one simply does not exist. America has become alien to me. Her people I do not understand as they pour more foreigners into our land. I am left without as I see those who's people couldn't invent the wheel driving by in a German Mercedes. Dressed in western finery. How unnatural a world should I tolerate. I am a man without a people. Without family or friends. Without any nation anywhere in the world to call mine.

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      anonymous 3 years ago

      Well I am back because I am having a big problem today coping. I lost my, soul, heart and self esteem like I ever had any anyways yesterday and many other times. I am here for anyone that needs help. I lost someone yesterday that I really like but this is ok. Well really not!!!!! I have lost lots in my life, my dignity, my self esteem and my mind. I have been violated by my Mother, my Husband and so be it, Oh well, I keep coming back for more. One ass kicking after another. it has brought back memories of being beaten up by my Soul mate as becasue I took his drugs away. Its ok, he is clean now and nobody is ever perfect EVER!! i am really so overwhelmed but this too shall pass. I am guess so to speak a loser and non caring.Well, if I come here again know i will always help anyone in anyway I can. Tell me your thoughts today becasue I really need help. If I could bring my father back for my Mother then all would be fixed and then I would sacrifice my Life to bring my Father back<<< It is really sad to be hurting and if I ever hurt pain is better then for me to suffer. I do not suggest pain for anyone. Guess I should be here for everyone today becasuse I would like the same. guess i dont have a heart anymore. As long as I am here i will stand by people that need help as I do. I expect nothing now in return but just to console ones soul~

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      anonymous 3 years ago

      Hi liloneohone,

      Well, I am here today becasue i dont know where to begin or end or start? I am not here to tell you my troubles but here to give you support as I need when I come here. I can relate with the note you wrote as i made a letter in my diary yesterday , actually last night. I can sempathize with you but cant say I am sorry becasue that is a cop out word for me. I would rather say how can I help you. I have a friend that both her parents passed away in one week and I usd to work for AAA but cannot work now as I am stupid. When I worked i never said sorry as you have to be empathetic because never know what the situation is~My Motyher is not here for me either unless she wants her batteries changed in her clock or something that she wants that second. I drop everything and always do what she wants.Maybe that is good on her part but not mine. it is an aweful feeeling to be used and abused, talked bad about your daughter to the neighbors so can relate. I kind of feel the same as maybe this is not so much supportive as perhaps i may not want my Mother at my funeral either. I indeed can relate of feelings getting worse. Mine are the worse right now then could ever imagine so i do undertsand. I argue with my Husband also and feel brushed off laso and seems as though at times people think i got it made. I DONT and so understand where you are coming from. I here yor word and wish I was there to chat and console you but cant help myself right now. Be careful whom you talk to little one as that can happen. this site is good so is private and safe. If you want to talk we can talk here. That would be nice to have a friend to relate to. Take care please and wish you happiness that you deserve~

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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @AnitaJax: Hello Anita, and thank you for writing.

      Interestingly, I found solace with a UU minister as well. It wasn't when I was suicidal, but when I was younger and struggling with another trauma. I'm glad you found help. Thank you for an uplifting and kind message.

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      AnitaJax 3 years ago

      @liloneohone: It sounds like you are having a rough go of things. Please take the time to take care of yourself. A support group a town or two from home might be able to hook you up with a counselor and help maintain your anonymity.

      I had good luck with my Unitarian Universalist minister. Not only did he listen, he offered moral support, and he referred me to a counselor who would see me on a sliding scale who did not require me to give my SSN.

      UUs do not care what religion (or lack thereof) you practice. They ask only that you be person of good will and understand that not everyone is on the same spiritual path. You do not have to be a member to seek help. (Not trying to proselytize, just mentioning what I found helpful in the past.)

      You are more important than what anyone or any institution thinks. Talk to your doctor, there may be medication that will help. If the pain gets bad, go to the emergency room. Call an ambulance if necessary.

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      liloneohone 3 years ago

      I have no idea where to start I have been having suicidal thoughts for a while now, I have even gone over what I would write in a note for someone to find. I've thought of ways to do it but I always think of my mother and how she wouldn't want this for me. She was never really there for me when I was younger so we don't talk much now but I still can't let her visit my funeral. I have noticed my thoughts getting worse and worse and it usually happens after an argument with my husband. I've been telling him that I'm depressed lately and he just brushes it off even when I am crying he will just tell me to stop. I rushed into this marriage and even though I love him I have thought about divorce,but I would rather just give up. I am scared that if I talk to someone I will have to be put into a hospital for suicide watch and being in the military doesn't help. I just need someone to talk to who understands and will help me tell my husband.

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      anonymous 3 years ago

      I am tired of being someone I am not. I also am tired of living. Since the Holidays I have felt the worse ever! I am not sure what to do, whom to talk to, what to do? I try to keep myself occupied as if I dont well it will not work out. Who's to say I am a bad person. Who the hell is anyone to judge. I used to judge but is is Bullshit! We are all human beings and everyone has some issues in Life. I wish this were not my problem but I have it for now and am stuck with these emotions, thoughts and yes even plans DAILY!!!!!! Oh so well wish I could just close my eyes and forget it all!!!!!!!!

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      anonymous 3 years ago

      You know what, you are not alone! I know me telling you this is really not for the best but this site is to help others MistakenOne? I like you name who you feel like. I have had lots of stuff like yours happen been degraded felt like crap and don't feel as I fit in either.

      I can empathize with lots of things you say.. I have been starting to just shut up and listen as I get very angered and also want to die. I know if I keep these feeling and planning in I well just thinking of you this moment and thought I would respond to you.

      Well honey ao your not a male be happy, me neither. I have come on this site very many times because it is safe! I have low self esteem also but in reality I don't think you are a bad person or ugly. Ugly people can be so mean and hurtful!. Try to not to speak perharpa to the peeps at work except Good Morning. They have the right to judge...Bullshit! I used to talk a little too much and have felt myself trying to do more listening. I have also been violated and sucks! Bullying is wrong and I am sorry you have to go through this abuse~

      I also feel as I have been punishe? I fell like we wonder what we have done so wrong? I have a very nice yound lady that has helped me lots and a Dr that treats me well. It does not make me always happy but for the day I feel better. People are cruel and they yes judge. It is not NICE. Try this and I don't read a lot because I need new glasses from having seizures. Listen to nice music, smell pretty things. If you like to cook wow makes me feel relaxed which takes a whole lot. I am not one that sleeps well. Pleaae stay with us my friend. I have tried so many times and have failed. Maybe it is not our time...peace always to you and please try to think. Sleeping is good also. Very good also for you. Take care of yourself.~

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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @MistakenOne: Hello MistakenOne.

      I'm sorry you have struggled so much. While all our situations are different, many people here understand being in so much pain, and life seeming so pointless. You are not weak, you are tired and feeling beaten down -- there's a big difference. It is incredibly hard and isolating to be without appreciation and acknowledgement.

      I sit here at the keyboard wanting to type magic words. Of course, there aren't any that can take away your pain and make everything okay. Just please know people here understand. Your words resonate with many. Thank you for writing.

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      MistakenOne 3 years ago

      I have always considered suicide and my attempts were obviously failed, I tried pills and cutting, when i was i think 7 i laid in the middle of the street hoping to be run over, Yes for as long as I can remember. My father left when i was very small and never looked back but felt leaving me with a narcissistic mother was a great choice for me. I truly believe i was not meant to be born. My mother told me she never wanted me because i was not a male.My anatomy doomed me from day one. I have always had self esteem issues as a result. I was always considered a weirdo, I always felt I should be tossed on an island of misfits for then i might finally fit in somewhere,. My marriage was a joke I was of course abused and cheated on because my self worth allowed me to be treated like garbage, I have flaws but I don't know what i ever did so wrong to have such a garbage life. I have never had any real friends. I still at 50 get bullied at work. I know I am fairly intelligent but always doubt myself. I hate people I really do. I am considering suicide again I do almost daily what a life. I just wish I could afford to not work and be alone because then i would not be ridiculed or mocked or treated like crap just for merely existing. I am tired of working hard and always helping others to be treated like a piece of garbage. The worst part is now because of the people who have been at my office for a long time they get to the new people and after just a few days i am disrespected by them as well. How can someone be nice and friendly to me and in a minute suddenly ignore me for no reason. Just because they went out and smoked with the long timers and got the details on what an easy target i am? I have not done anything wrong. I have physical flaws and i am not an attractive person but why should I be punished for it. All I have ever wanted to do was feel appreciated. I am a nobody and some days it just really hurts to much to deal with it... Yes I am considering suicide once again but obviously i am just a weak peace of garbage because here I sit. One day I will finally end this miserable life.... I just don't have a clue what I am waiting for after 50 years you would think I would have figured out my purpose for being born. I was a mistake... I am a mistake...

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      anonymous 3 years ago

      I UNDERSTAND AND SO AM EVER SORRY. I AM THERE ALSO AND THE HOLIDAYS MAKE THINGS WORSE FOR SO OK ME. I JUST HAD A DEAR FRIEND COME TO VISIT ME AND SO WAS NICE AND WISH I COULD BRING HER BACK IF SHE WOULD COME. I SO FEEL VERY POWERLESS RIGHT NOW AND AM TRYING AND FIGHTING SO EVER MUCH. I WISH ALL THE BEST FOR YOU. PLEASE HANG IN THERE AND HOPE SO MAKE IT TOO.

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      PTSDSurvivor 3 years ago

      I was just diagnosed with PTSD from years ago - multiple gun violence incidents plus time as a military medic. It's overwhelming and I am just feeling like crap. I have fought depression all my adult life and it keeps getting worse. I am in therapy but it isn't helping and right now I just want it all to end. I am so tired. I have no emotions at all and feel dead inside already.

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      anonymous 3 years ago

      Hi InquisitiveOne,

      Hope you are doing well. I on so the other hand have been through some very difficult times in the last 3 weeks. I was so in the Hospital. I had a seizure at home and so did not think so I did becasue you dont know when you have on. I had to stay in the Hospital for almost 4 days. I had the second one in the hospital the next morning. I am so now taking Kepra so is an anti seizure med to keep me from having another one. I have had so many tests done so to find out why? They are not sure as of yet that I did not have a stroke.

      Do you ever often why so to speak why things happen to maybe I am a good person? I would think so I am sometimes. I do try to be nice to people and have a good Heart and try to be treated the way I would so like to be. Sometimes I am not sure why I am here????? I wonder? I am having difficulty remembering lots of stuff since I had so the seizures and has made me very angered at myself and feel very stupid. I had to have 4 hours of nuero testing today at my neurologist. I have to have more also. I dont think i did so well but there is always hope I presume. I hope things are going well for you and so you are doing better. I really enjoy your site Self Help Salad. I found one thing that really helps me lots is not watching TV so at night, a dark room and no night lights and some meditation music soft. It has really helped me lots and so wish you a well weekend and always to the people here on this site that have needs and need support as myself~

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      chynatodd 3 years ago

      Hi Angerona,

      Just thought I'd check in. Been reading some of your fine articles at Self Help Salad. Still leaning toward suicide though. My problem is I'm having a VERY hard time facing the terror and excruciating pain of my chosen method, and especially, the last three seconds or so of consciousness after the point of no return. I'm sure at that point I'd realize what a horrible mistake I made, but then again, out of self-love, I have to do SOMETHING... I'm not going to allow this to continue.

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      InquisitiveOne LM 3 years ago

      @chynatodd: Hi Chynatodd.

      Thank you. I often feel similarly. I lost everything after my fiance's suicide. I now live in an efficiency apartment in Mexico and am still trying to get my life back together. I often feel life isn't worth the struggle, but for some reason, I keep going. The Suicidal Voice is tempered, but it's hard to keep plugging along when there is still so far to climb to reach a life that feels decent and worth living.

      Thank you for comment about Self Help Salad. I'm afraid it's been very neglected lately. You've inspired me to get back to writing and posting. Thank you for that.

      Please take care, and I look forward to reading your occasional comment.

      -- Angerona

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      chynatodd 3 years ago

      @InquisitiveOne LM: Hi Angerona, thank you for the time and effort put into your thoughtful response. Wow, I'm really genuinely sorry for the deaths of your fiancé and family members and others.

      Yes, the effect of suicide on my one family member is a huge factor I've been considering... it's just that continuing with life knowing that not a single one of my goals will ever be realized, and that life has been reduced nothing but menial labor just so I can barely afford to live in an apartment (with the help of a nearby food bank)... it just doesn't seem worth it.

      Anyway, I saw your Self Help Salad site; there's a lot of good info there so I'll probably be spending some time there and maybe an occasional comment.

      Thanks again.

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      InquisitiveOne LM 4 years ago

      @chynatodd: Greetings Chynatodd, and thank you for writing.

      You ask a difficult question. I hope to give as honest and clear an answer as possible and hope my words are not misconstrued. For starters, I do not have a moral or religious opinion about suicide. I don't necessarily believe death is bad and needs to be avoided at all costs. To me, being born, living, and dying are all just a neutral part of the process we all go through.

      However, I am deeply intimate with the devastation a fatal suicide leaves behind. I know that people left behind are damaged beyond belief and that a loved one's suicide changes your life in ways that are inconceivable and irreparable. I will never be the same as a result of my fiance's suicide, and I will never, in a hundred years, stop grieving the loss of him or the way he died. It is a stark contrast to my parents' deaths, both of whom died of cancer, my surrogate mother's death (she was murdered), and other people I have cared about who have died in car accidents or from illness or old age. Suicide leaves a drastically different scar on the people left alive that never ever goes away.

      I also know that I was suicidal before, and although my life is not particularly great, I'm not suicidal now. I have perspective on what my thinking was when I was suicidal and what my thinking is when I'm not suicidal. Suicidal thinking is a brain issue, not an inherent flaw in one's humanity or constant. A brain that tells you you're worthless and that the world is better off without you is not a rational brain. Many people who have survived attempts and go on to have lives that are less painful attest to that, as does lots of research.

      If it's a brain issue, and life doesn't have to hurt so much, I believe not hurting so much is an option worth pursuing. I don't exactly believe suicide is "wrong". But I also don't believe it is the "most right" choice either.

      I know firsthand that most stereotypes of suicide are incorrect. It isn't cowardly, it isn't selfish, it isn't any of those judgmental things people assign to suicide. There are as many different reasons to attempt or complete suicide as there are people who try it. For anyone to judge is, well, completely asinine. No one can judge another's pain, and all of us, suicidal or not, do the best we can with the tools we have to work with.

      I believe that, for people who are suicidal, it's worth giving other tools a chance to help. If people have more options to choose from, I believe they tend to try them. Killing yourself is not easy, as many of us know. It's often a desperate last resort when pain overtakes the ability to cope.

      My goal is to provide a few more tools so people have a few more choices. It is not my place to decide what anyone's ultimate choice should be, nor do I pass judgement on those choices. My goal is to provide some other options. To that end, I hope I'm successful.

      Sincerely,

      Angerona

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      chynatodd 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Agreed Caroline, if we really truly do want to die I think there should be the option to do it in a peaceful way, like with at doctor's supervision, as opposed to a terribly violent method.

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      chynatodd 4 years ago

      Hi InquisitiveOne,

      This is a very good article. You understand the subject well and seem more open-minded than most who write on the subject.

      But I would like to ask... Don't you think that it's possible that for a very small percentage of those considering suicide that going through with it could be a reasonable choice? For example, and older person who has zero chance of ever having anything even remotely resembling the kind of life he or she wants to have? Where there's nothing in his or her existence but toil and labor for the sole purpose of enabling life to drag on? Like, what's the point?

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Dan, this is a misconception. Attractive people who don't have good families can be terribly victimized. Sex or sexual attractiveness can lead to exploitation without love, and you don't want to be there either.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Well today I went to my Drs with my spouse adn so hear very well from having trauma over and so over. I heard him ok tell his receptionist is the Married happily couple here. Sorry I dont think so it is fucking funny. I am already not in a good state of mind.

      Sometimes is Life a big Joke??? I am not happy and so did not say anything becasue my spouse did not hear the Dr as I did as I hear very well.

      I am pissed and running out of sollutions to get fixed. It would be so much better for me to be gone forever. I would not have to deal so anymore or go to the Drs EVER again. My Family would so be over it and so no more worries.

      I wish someone would take me seriously becasue I am not very stable and and very serious of lots of things I am considering and thinking of. I have had it and dont give a shit once again! One let down after another after the one person I thought really cared? I am not where I want to be. This is not the Life I chose. It fucking chose me and dont deserve the pain I have on a daily basis!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      So we all have so made errors and so we are not perfect. I have been cheated on and so ok abused and violated more then once It sucks!!!. I have worked on my Marriage and has not been so easy ether.

      I have not thought about suicide all my Life so after losing my Father and trying to keep a grip so on my Life I lost it and so know your pain of losing your father also Virginia.. I also know so mechanically my brain has also been traumatized from a Dr that harmed me with some treatment that thought would work and instead washed my memory away. What a hell of a ride and still not ok.

      I am waiting to get a pet scan for my head and seeing a neurologist. Dont lose faith in your marriage unless it is making things worse for you, I know that tight feeling that you feel as I have this also in my chest and severe head pains

      You are not a loser so if you are then perhaps I am also?? I dont think this of you so maybe you can talk to someone??? I used to work and so even cant right now. I dont even have so a job and not sure when I could. You are fortunate to have a job so and a Family but so know how your feelings overide you.

      Wanting for Life to end is a feeling that does not go away so unfortunately. I know becasue I am there everyday almost. I have insomnia and this is my way here to feel safe and to vent. It helps me see others problems as well as my own and so for when you read others of how they feel and have been harmed it helps me....I dont know how to fix things so for you as I cannot fix myself as of right now. So please try and get some counseling maybe or find someone you can trust.

      This is a safe place to talk and nobody will harm you here.. You have a daughter so think about her as so she needs you~ Hang in so maybe for her if anything and yourself to be there for her. Best to you~

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: atleast youre attractive. im 30 and never dated because I have an ugly face. it makes it impossible for people to love you. I only really liked 3 girls well one I loved but when they reject you because they don't find you attractive hurts. love isn't real its only mostly based on lust. they don't really care who you are. because I really hate what my face looks like I want to take my life as I will never have anything in this life. ive been abused, harassed, made fun of, shunned, life is only fun when you have looks. with looks you have confidence and a purpose. not a lonely meaningless life where you cant stand to look at yourself.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I have also cheated on my husband and we are trying to figure out what to do. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. Sadly, I feel no matter how hard I try this marriage will not survive. I live with so much guilt and the knowledge that family will be broken apart because of my decisions. I have thought about suicide all my life and wish that I could just go through with it. I feel so alone and isolated from everyone. There is tightness in my chest and I just want it to all end. My depression only got worse after the death of my Dad. I work a dead end job that hate and every time I go makes me realize that I'm am a loser in life. I am ex military, so I used to have a career and feel worth something. I have financial problems and so cannot go back in. I just want my life end; so tired of feeling like this

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: You are welcome Wilderness and so come back to talk here. It helps me so if I don't come here I won't make it and this is for sure. Inquiisitive is an awesome person and a ao survivor. Ahe has saved me so many times so please hang in with us~ weather does bad things to my head and hurts very badly. So see we so are here for you and so your part of us and this is the place to be.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @InquisitiveOne LM: Thank you Floridaaaaaaah Girl and InquisitiveOne. Amazing to know there are people out there who care about complete strangers.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @InquisitiveOne LM: I am sorry, I have not read this. My initial thought is that a labyrinth sounds like an exotic maze... I would tend to stay clear of this in my current state, if I could help it. Though I'm aware I'm likely missing the message. I wouldn't mind hearing a touch more...

      Until then, if I may, I find myself wondering who is accountable for my pain. If there is a god, is it him, or is it me? If there is no god, is it others, or is it me? Logically I am the common denominator, which stands to reason why I blame... me. I don't see myself as needing to be, whatever reason or cause I existed for has likely been completed... and so I sit with no purpose. Feeling empty. I hear no calling, no whispers of hope, no grand visions. I am simply waiting out my allotted time... thinking that someone along the way miscalculated a smudge... questioning life itself and whether any one given person matters in the grand scheme of anything. I do not want to be here. Who's authority says I have to be? Who's authority am I suffering by?

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      InquisitiveOne LM 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Oh Wilderness! Your words are so touching, poignant, true. Yes, yes, and yes. I often feel the same way. It is easier now, a bit, than it was, but still, your words penetrate my very cells with their truth of how this feels. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. Your last line...there's a journal entry published in my book that says, "How do I turn this maze into a labyrinth." Those of us here know what it's like to feel so lost, hurting, and in despair that anything can be better. I wish I had magic words for you. Some way to clean the slate of your pain. Please know there are people here who really do understand.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @InquisitiveOne LM: I cry for the mountains to fall on me. I gnash my teeth at others' unrighteous blessings. I wonder to myself if I am in hell already... is hell a state of mind? Is hell right here in front of us and I visit it without physical death? Or am I in for a treat if I think this is bad and the real hell awaits around the corner... I am lost, I need a hero, I need someone who can communicate truth, but what is truth? I am left in darkness and I have such despair.... am I really holding out for another day when I know my days are surely numbered and the next day will bring more sorrow? Is my agony just? I have difficulty listening to music's piercing chords and social networking has never had appeal to me... if someone were to sit with me they would see my heart breaking every moment... I am either perfect for this world or not meant for it... I am lost and fighting through to another sunrise brings me no comfort... I don't understand my purpose or direction. I don't want to be here in this maze.

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      InquisitiveOne LM 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Thanks for writing a supportive message Florida Girl. Mental anguish is an unfathomable hell for people who don't know what it's like.

      Just an FYI -- we've had some pretty intense weather where I live, and internet service has been very spotty. I may not be able to respond in any kind of timely way if anyone writes me right now. I have internet, but it's in and out all day, so I haven't been on the computer much.

      Florida Girl is right. Having someone to talk with doesn't make everything alright, but it can help you feel just a little bit better in that moment, and that can make a difference in getting through the day.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Dear Widerness,

      I know so one of the ten comandments is thou shall not kill but I wonder if that means also yourslf? I am suicidal also but scared to try anymore as I have already tried and have failed more so then once.

      I hate myslef sometimes and feel worthless, hurt, sad, violated and would like to be at peace.

      I try to listen to music everyday as it takes my mind off of thinking bad thoughts. I try to do something everyday. I dont watch bad TV as it is very traumatic to me. Trying to take your life though can be more painful if you dont suceed, Believe me I know for a fact.

      Mental anguish, I so totally agree sucks and it is awful. I am sorry you are so having a very difficult time. You are at the right place becasue there is help here and is safe.

      Perhaps you can talk to someone and get some support. It helps a lot, not always but helps me for the most part for a day or 2 until the next visit. Maybe you could so write to the InquisitiveOne personally as she has very good advice and perhaps so maybe give you some input. Please hang in there as I know it is very hard.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Does it say in the bible to not kill yourself? Thou shall not commit murder... but it also says in the old testament that if your hand causes you to sin that you should cut it off... what if I cause myself to sin? Is it of the world to preach that everyone should want to live? Or is it biblical? He who loves his life will lose it, he who gives his life will save it... ? All is vanity... a chasing after the wind... Are we supposed to hate our human lives? I for one ache for death... no idea what the afterlife holds, waiting for god to make the call and feeling rather impatient... I'm ready for whatever physical pain accompanies the death march, it can only last so long and we are all on the death list. Is it noble to hold out as long as possible? Pain is this world. I was born through pain of my mother, I suffer pain through my existence, and I will endure pain when I die. What is my lesson of pain? The mental anguish is the worst part of existence. Give me a bullet to bite and tear out my guts, show me my heart beating in your hand as my vision fades to black. Yes it will hurt... delightfully so. For some reason it just can't be my action to do it. It must be someone else's evil.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I'm sorry, but you are not helping me at all. I'm sorry.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: To so Nameless, so know how you feel. I have not so been suicidal since 7 and am sorry for you.. Your kids need you and so maybe they do not show it.??? I have someone that never shows me love, efection, much the less empithy or shit ...I know this feeling and so can relate. I am so sorry. I feel so very unloved, so what a screwed up feeling. None the less which one is worse,, not sure??

      I have lost someone so very special to me and so this is how i got this way. Nameless, I have to go through stupidness testing for 4 hrs becasue the neurologist I am seeing says I am not mental and so wow what a reief this makes me feel. It is from having a brain trauma and so none the less he is helping me along with my Dr.

      I also have to have a pet scan and so they think maybe may have dementia or even alzteimers at my age feels so not good. I am relieved of having not cancer or a tumor in my brain as I am so already a 22 year cancer survivor........I have had to get off a medication for seizures that I was taking so not to mask test results. It has made me feel like shit...... so honey i know about meds as they dont always work out as planned. I have a new medication and so is helping me for now, just dont feel so ok taking it but it helps just makes me feel fuzzy in my head but instant relief of head pain.

      I feel so like you do also, so wishing someone would just kill me off. I think of shit everyday almost of ways to do it and have tried so many times and failed...Dont do it as perhaps it may not work as planned. you are important. You have children and so maybe you think so they dont care...I think they may so. wish I had kids and so would treat them so good. I was not given this but maybe for a reason.?? Who knows. We have to help one another and so on this site, so if not how can one move on. I have troubles everyday adn too much reading of stuff gives me worse thoughts. TV is not good.

      May I suggest a few things to you so try to smell pretty things. Listen to music. I dont suggest bad music as it is not good . I heard this song and so its called Same Love and so what people may judge me for listening to it and so who gives a shit...it is a meaning full song and so it tells it like it is and so makes me think. Steryotype people and so bullies are not nice. People are who they are. I am a married woman of 30 years and never thought people could be so cruel of judging a song that is how they are also>..Feeling so like you do is sad..please try to maybe see another Dr if you can...always a 2nd opinion cannot hurt..maybe( ESP )could help you....Chexk in and so out of this site as there is great support here...So the InquisitiveOne knows for a fact!! so ask her perhaps and she helps peeps. Hang on as it is an aweful feeling but just keep trying and thats all can do...Peace to you and so also have sleepless nights so helps me out to come to so this site as I feel safe here////

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      sINCE I HAVE BEEN MISTREATED ALL MY LIFE, I SHOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF ALONG TIME AGO. ONE DAY I WISH THE GOOD LORD TAKE ME OUT OF HERE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN MISTREATED BYALOT OF PEOPLE. PEOPEL TREAT ME LIKE A CRIMIAL , EVEN MY OWN BLOOD FAMILY MEMBERS. IO JUST WANT TO DIE SOMETIMES.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      My earliest memories are unhappy, I've been suicidal since I was 7. Made up my mind to actually do it for the 1st time when I was 12. Held off on it as an adult because I was worried about my kids. They have recently shown they don't need me at all. In the last 6 years, I've lost nearly everything: home, decent job, husband's trust and respect, and hope that my children want me as their mother. Now I'm living with "family," completely under their thumb, making zero progress toward taking my own life back, expected to support a mentally challenged adult stepchild and her baby, working at a job that I find completely useless that barely covers the bills. I don't want to be here anymore, but I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I don't understand it. I want out so badly. Medications created huge problems, therapists are virtually useless for those with BPD, I've tried everything under the sun to improve my situation and it seems to get worse and worse. I agree with the person above that said euthanasia should be legal not just for those who are terminally (physically) ill, but those who are terminally (mentally) ill. I found this forum by searching "Why am I so scared to kill myself when I want to so badly." I wish I wasn't so scared. Maybe someone in this crappy little town will do the job for me and kill me with their stupid driving. Damn, I wish.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I feel the same way I am 15 and had thoughts about suicide from the age of 8 I don't know why I want to kill myself!!! I guess it's because I am in a deep dark hole and can't see the light

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Nobody is mine

      Nobody Loves me

      &

      My life Is waste because i have no aim

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I agree, I really think we should be able to die if we want too, we didn't ask to be born, so we should have that choice. People do bad things to animals, the world is getting a sick place to live in..

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Same here. I hate this feeling.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Well, so ok I have a username but dont feel so ok safe lately so for now I will be a visitor until I get through my melt downs I am going through. I am so saddened and so want to get there.

      I have tried and its just not working out for me. I feel so ok very unloved for one. I have my sister and my Husband and a Mother that hates me and really dont even care whether she loves me anymore so anyways. My Father loved me and kept OUR Family together until he passed away. God I miss him so much. There are days I cannot stop thinking of him.

      I feel so ever sorry if I let my Family down so my head hurts so badly so today. I cannot concentrate. I want to move from here with my Husband out of the United States and so know where I want to go

      I want to get better if possible so we can get rid of things that are just stuff and our home as I do not wish to live here anymore. I lived for so ok two mts with very little clothing and did the best I could be with help from a very nice young lovely individual that worked so hard ok with me out of the United States. I was so much happier and without good health and bad hurts in my body and head I cant do this and am slipping away.

      Heya, I have so ok no children either and I am very sorry about your break up. It so is strange I isolate myself too and so feel safe in my own little spot I am sure you are a loving and so caring as myself just not about myslef. If I can help others I would but having to be able to try to help others here in pain as so myslef, I can relate. I wish I could be of so more help to you. I am sorry~ Do you have sisters so or Brothers so you could talk with? Maybe you have a close friend> friends are hard to come by as you have to be careful who so you think are really your friends. I have been this route also and understand. hope your days get better for you. Take care~

      I wish so bad that so one could help me for an hour or just to get me though today. Today is starting ok so to feel the same everyday. I am tired of crying, being a nobody becasue I need my brain re-trained so I can think. Please God get me though so this minute and each minute throughout this day today.

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      InquisitiveOne LM 4 years ago

      @anonymous: My house was foreclosed too. The psychological toll can be intense and painful, and it was hard to get through. I live in a much smaller place now outside the U.S. where a little money goes a long way, it's beautiful, and I'm getting my life back together. It is possible to recover from such a terrible event.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Maybe if you could take some time to rehabilitate yourself physically. Just some standing yoga poses to release pain and increase happiness and bring you clarity?

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I was so horrible at math. I failed geometry and algebra. Oh, then I got a tutor, I actually liked it and felt weird about why I didn't understand it. If you finish school, you can make lots of money and not be foreclosed. That is why I am visiting this.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I only have one eye and my house is being foreclosed. I want to be removed from it dead.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Don't die. I am having my house foreclosed and I am looking at info about why I want to stay here, not leave, not have anyone remove me while I am still alive. Maybe you can tell me to get money and I will tell you to have fun. I don't really want to die at all, actually. Just don't want to leave my house.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I am same age and feel the same. I am so tire and want it to end.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I am 33, no kids, never married, and my last breakup left me destroying what I built cause I didn't want to live...I'm depressed, alone and I isolate myself. I'm attractive, but I have anxiety and don't leave my house except for work. I wish love was easier and I didn't waste all my time with the last one. Now I feel I have nothing to look forward to...

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I want to die. I have enough pills set aside for this event. Thinking if hanging a rope from the trees might work better. Went to a funeral tonight. I am going to request that I not have a funeral. I gave my life raising my children. They are more care free and with enthusiasm when they talk to others, but they are not with me. I didn't expect to age this way. I have longed to die from many moons ago. I feel that it's about time. I think people should be allowed for euthanasia even if not ill. We should be allowed to die when there are no enjoyment in living. No purpose to continue living.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I am not sure so what to say to others either and this is so why I am here. I feel like also closed in also for those of you having perhaps the same??. My saftey sheild is always up. It is like a force and not preaching so I feel vibes, like bad ones from certain people and so also know when I feel safe.

      I have not been like this all my Life. People can change with a drop of the dime so on you. Sterotypes, people always judging like they know all the shit putting people down and not lifting one up. Negativety is a deffinate roll sometimes in my Life as when that is all you are being treated like shit from Family and a Parent. Yes, what happened to that word Family?? They love you one minute and then you are mental. bad, evil and these people and so to me are stereotypes.

      I have a friend and she has been thrown so under the bus also like I have been done to and has gone through so much more then one could ever imagine.

      I try to put in good things to people on this site as people help me also. Just coming here to this site helps me cope for this moment when I am not ok!!! It helps to read about that I am not alone and where the hell do people come so from as far as saying Suicide is like an addiction?? I heard this before. This is total BS. Suicide is not a drug, its a fear that for me I cannot control most of the time.

      I listen to music everyday of my life as it really helps me. I smell pretty things. I like to walk when its not hot and safe. Reading is ok but I have a compehensive problem from so brain trauma.

      I hope and pray for everyones safety here today and so I feel not so good this afternoon as the weather is getting not so nice and this brings me so farthest to the ground. So that is why I came on for today as I do all the time.

      Its too bad we just cannot see each other on here and be in a group but then it would not I guess be private. I definitely would be staying overnight as it is safe here. I strive to be happy and so maybe going to try and start a little journal so to help me find out when I am at my lowest each day so ok I can go back and read it. Peace ~~

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @InquisitiveOne LM: Why cannot I get through just one day without feeling so like this? What is wrong with me? Why am so am I being punished like this? I have tried so hard and I just want so badly to give in. I am only scared of not succeeding and making it as I don't want to be put some bad place. I wish so you could take it away, so really do so and at that. I am struggling severely and not sure what to do? I want to so stop breathing. I am not selfish and know so the pain you have come your way also. I always remember talks. I am scared to go to get this test done today so called a CUS test. I won't google it as really makes me feel worse inside. The weather is shitty so today and makes me feel so bad inside. I wish I was loved. I wish I could bring my Father back for my sister and go in his place. I have no kids, so nobody would miss me and so that would pass also. I quit smoking, I quit wine as wine and me are not so friendly. I wish so I had you here to talk to for just one day. I wish I could comprehend a book. I am so stupid and I want and deserve happiness. I really would so wish I could erase the trauma and the drama but that happens when?? Maybe never?? I don't know anymore and so angered emotionally inside. It is a terrible feeling. Well hope so everyone gets through today including myself.

      When I get in my car and feel like running it into a poll. I would make it and have to so pay to get the poll fixed?? Unbelievable.....Wow, ESP for sure~

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      InquisitiveOne LM 4 years ago

      @anonymous: God, I understand! I wish I could take it away. I really do. I know how much you've struggled, and to some degree, how much all of us struggle. Our situations are different, but pain is pain, and we all understand what it's like to want to stop breathing for a few moments of peace. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @InquisitiveOne LM: You have no idea how so shit I feel today as know you have been there so also. I hurt, my head hurts and cannot tkae emy pill right now as I have to go somewhere at 6:00. I posted as a visitor today so becasue I am ashamed of my Life, myself, my Mother for not loving me as her daughter.

      I know that so you have been there and worse. My best friends Father passed away on Monday from Cancer and I feel so sorry for her. I feel sorry for everyone who has so this fucked up thoughts. Why do they get worse each time? I get so angered and just lose control in my head. I wish just today I could be average. I try to do good by so everyone and so why do I hate myself so much? Maybe I will find out soon why after my tests. I know you so know Angel. Thanks for your kind words to me~

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      InquisitiveOne LM 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Thank you for your kind words. We all have made many mistakes. We go forward. To err is human, and we are all worth our own forgiveness. Many of you who know a bit more about my story know I blame myself for my fiance's suicide. Some wounds hurt so very badly, but that doesn't mean we are inherently flawed. We just sometimes do things we regret terribly. Please, all of you, part of our being suicidal is that lovely sensitivity and empathic nature...that drive for perfection. Tell yourself you're going to be average today. Seriously. There is nothing wrong with average....give yourself a break and just be average -- for an hour, a day, a week. We deserve that break, no matter our past mistakes. Thank you, Visitor, for a kind post.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: To the Failed Wife, you feel and so like a failure well so me too becasue I have been cheated on abused emotionally and mentally. I lost my Father to brain cancer and have tried so many times to kill myself. Try and maybe go to a support group to help yourself? I am not sure what to tell you as I am feeling pretty badly lately and it comes and goes.I am sorry you made a mistake but who has not?? There is not so a day that goes by that I feel like I cannot trust my husband at times. I have tried to forgive, forget, sometimes well lots of times I wish I could be alone and work again doing something to make money that is mine and not caring as long as I am taken care of. I have a very serious head trauma from shock therapy and unable to physically work at a job. I wish I was smart so enough to work from our home or by myself. I feel as though I am a burden to my Husband also. I have all these tests coming my way and very frightened. I am really not good today. I think my Husband would be relieved if I killed myself so he could so do what he wanted. I just want to be so alone. I wish someone could help me. I hate Florida also and want to live someplace else but cannot say where as then it would not be my secret. I just want to do somethings maybe I would like? Dont take your Life becasue you had an affair. Hell if you had my Husband he is nice and so dont think he knows what Love is. I wish I could talk more openly on this site...oh well hang in there, as you are not alone. Who knows what is next for me? There will be no more next times as I am not afraid to be at peace. Sorry, wish I could be more supportive to you today. Just remember you are not a failed wife~

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: im 27 and i feel so much like what u said plz tell me there is a little light i have tryed to tell my love ones how close i am to losing it but it feels as if they only push me hard to do it i feel it getting harder to find a reason not to i use to use what about my son but i have been reminded of how i have doing nothing for my son but only for my self it truly. scares me worst cuz i no how hard i have tried