Life at ALL COSTS: update on pallitive care!
Zebedee, The Cat
meeting with specialist dr.
Looking back, I had a very selfish wish. I wanted to keep my pet cat alive at all costs. The diagnosis feline lukaemia. An expensive op. Which I begged my mum to let me pay for even though it was said to not be very effective/highly successful, I don't know now which as much was my traumatised state at that time. I thought I would do anything for that cat. A relief now that he's gone to cat heaven, and he's at peace. I taught him to jump high, regretting it later when he brought birds in. Not least as Grandma was bird lover. And I too like birds, so the distress was as much mine as any percieved thought, if any, that I was putting Granny out. I hate seeing creatures in distress.
Even the blummin wasp that stung me the other day was only trying to defend itself having been trod on in stocking feet. I'd sprayed it earlier, and was looking round, most go back out of the jarred windows when they get a wiff. But this one must've got in a different way, and so I must've locked it in when I closed the door. As it had lost the energy to fly and was wriggling about on the floor. I must admit that being stung took most of the thought to 'get it out of distress quickly!' replaced by 'your not doing that again!' but the pity was still there somewhere. -I killed it as quick as I could which meant putting the nearest thing I could find, a bokover it and bashing it hard! I don't want to go out this way if I can at all help it, and I wish said insect had not got in at all!
I also certainly wish that we'd got my poor cat this final innoculation before letting him go out. They say "cats have to play out", I must've related the fact that they have to stay in for several weeks with access to looking out of the windows at all sides of the house. To help them gage where they are in relation to the world. When I did finally let him out I took him out on a harness, but his confidence grew, he tended to get tangled in it, and so eventually we got a catflap for the door as he preferred it out than in, and I tended to worry that he wouldn't come back one day. I taught him a bizarre method of confusing dogs, that may have given him seconds with them but also may have got the fatal scratch from a pounce or bite, by running at the attacker rather than away. You build up momentum and might even get a good shot in, then can either continue or make good your escape while said fiend is stunned.
So self blame was there, did I do something wrong? No, I did the best I could. It does show that I have much to learn though, in this or some future life. Fear of losing a loved one. Even though my mum had taken over feeding him, and he'd gone off to sleep on her bed as I figited too much! I think I played too rough as well.
We had, I think all the other innoculations. It's not like we were handed a leaflet with "everything your pet needs", I asked the cat carer where I got him from. Having stayed with this family friend at a traumatic and tumultuous time where I met the cat that they had named because he bounced around a lot like the childrens show character on magic round about. I asked her alot but couldn't remember everything.
On to my own kidney trouble:
I saw the doctor yesterday (13 Apr. 2010) and what I get from the meeting is.
To Qualify for pallitive care, I have to jump through a load of hoops. Something about demonstrating to a psychiatrist that I know what death is and that it is final. That I have the right reasons for ending treatment. And what do they call the "right" reasons?
What's more I feel I don't want to open up all my life to another person, certainly not a stranger! Especially not a pill pushing quack that wil get money for his institution on a per person basis! I truly believe any such person will think of themselves totlly ignoring any patients supposed freedom to choose, and claiming in his claimed/alledged ande very self confessed "superior intelligence" that said person can't make such a decision.
Becoming ill made the decision, I just got sick of fighting the idea, and prefer to walk with God than get all this rubbish from mankind. It's not in the medical professions best interest to lose patients as we are their main reason that they get funding. Already I'm getting arguments, "do you know that people your age on dialysis live a normal life"
I nodded at the clever prompt to. But gave a wise answer as to one reason why their individual circumstances are different to my own. "They will have people around them. I was pretty much disowned due to illness!", I have dreams for life paths that cannot be achieved due to illness. As a former helper who also turned his back on me due to my distressed and confused intra-personal behaviour during this time of painful realisations and attempts to improve my situation said "lets face it, your not as good as Xfactor are you?" In all truth, no where near but I was once led to believe I might be.
I have got over my dream to be a singer. But still life is pointless if you can't do the things you need and would want to do. The upshot is apart from mum and dad I have no dependents to think about. Though I'm told it's the hardest thing in the world to bury a child. I think they're strong enough to cope. And take my point of view that my beloved cat, and other beloved pets are now at Peace. A much better, more stable and consistent Peace than this world can ever offer!
The trouble is I can do without the dramas, I would rather mum and dad got counselling to help them realise it is what I want than have them drag things up in front of strangers in an environment that pays lip service to yet insists on its validity, in this case regarding keeping things private and confiential. I've seen evidence that thius isn't all true. I wouldn't guard my best friends secret if my life depended on spilling let alone some stranger. I don'texpect any less nor will I believe insistences but these people can argue the whisky off a Scotsman! I'd probably just give up arguing which isn't the same as even starting to agree / believe.
I said at one point when things got slightly heated. "I could just vanish to another country one day, once abroad change my appearance and who would know any different?"
she seemed to smile for a moment.
She agreed no-one can force any-one to have treatment. I tried to ask what if some-one decided to label me unfit to make my own decisions. From what she said it seems that if the next of kin wants you to live they will do this very thing. But family don't know me well enough, I've never got on with them that well. In fact part of the reason Zeb didn't get his innoculation was that the only stable means of transport -the fella in her life- decided that he'd done enough for our troubled, disorientated family. And so I was shouted at for being selfish as she wanted to go out drinking with him. I felt lost. And young and not worldly. Looking back, I might've phoned the vet. And gone in a taxi. I didn't have a mobile phone, and wait and return which I'd never done sounds expensive.
I would just quit treatment, with notification in a letter and ask not to be contacted. The thought of a holiday for my last days sounds appealing. And though I'm far from ready to go yet. Too much is in the hands of doctors, making my urge to get out of it, escape forever more so. I do have things I want to do first but am limited due to lack of any genuine helpers that I might actually be able to trusty without doubt, and reservation.
I do not trust any-one who is in a high social class with little much if any illness, problems to say to me "lifes worth living". They don't know. Life might be, existence is not!
Please indicate your experiences in your comments. I'm interested to know what actually goes on as the doctor refused to give me any written information at this stage.
Oh! And sorry about the title. The pages offers were many and confusing.
some of my related writings
- Why I refused Transplantation
All innoculations but we forgot cat lukaemia. And lost the best friend I ever had! Why should which path I choose when diagnosed with an illness be subject to so much scrutiny and manipulations, and even...
- security and dialysis
Keep it Safe! Any-one in any group anywhere can experience threats, attacks etc. on their personal and group safety. Here are some tips of what can happen but don't have nightmares ...see those cowards for...
- Fix your diet lose the fizz!
No more carbonating drinks I've been certain for a long time about Cola. In fact all things fizzy! You look at my Dad's health problems for one. The fact he's drank beer all his life. And I know I'm putting...
- Coping with dialysis: Secrets revealed!
A look at my life dialysing. With over 7 uears experience in 2011. I cover most of the main points with clarity to help any-one who may be facing what can be a daunting and life changing process.
- pallitive care
That phone call rattled me!
- pallitive care in illnesses without cure
thoughts on pallitive care in relation to dialysis treatments for chronic conditions. The telephone line worker who said I was pessimistic. (fairly recently) Frankly
Seeking Palliative Care
For those who have concerns that in the case of events that may happen and be too much to face; like being unable to communicate, look after oneself on a permanent basis. And with the nhsa committed to treatment at all costs. It is well worth making your wishes known. If you wish to opt out of certain treatments under certain conditions that may or may not ever occur. It is worth while considering the following:
A Living Will. Also called "Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment"and is done with a solicitor. current UK cost is just over £100. If you can't afford this you may write your own, have it witnessed though; by two people. And in all cases make sure your family and friends know your wishes. And Most important of all. Make sure your GP has a copy, and your witnesses and next of kin.
If the helpline of your illness is not forthcoming. (For example "Your still young..." as though this somehow prevents me from considering all future possibilities.) All is not lost. The Hospital will have a Palliative Care department ask at reception or look on the map. My hospital works closely withMcMillian charitybut you don't have to have The Big C. to be included.
Other things worth considering aremake provision for a funeralif you have enough Life Assurance then this is covered. I did not, thankfully the extra money I am entitled to claim due to my illness was enough to ensure that I managed to save up enough to pay a funeral director in advance. I have made a nice funeral for myself, so nice I almost wish I would be here to attend!!! I have a certificate for my next of kin to take to the director. I paid insurance to protect it in case anything happens to the company I arranged it with. Approx £32xx cost.
Finally, make a Last Will and Testament. If you have a lot of savings; a solicitor will be able to advise on this. It might be worth considering parting with some possesions in life to loved ones so the state doesn't steal a percentage! And having written my Last Will with a solicitor, I decided to keep it for myself and put a "consult list" so that I can keep updating what I do have and where it is going without having to keep paying to do a new will!
Remember, you have the right to change your mind, you have the right to make your own mind up. And You have the right to be prepared for all possible outcomes.