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Wayward Winds

Updated on January 1, 2013

Welcome to Wayward Winds

This light-hearted lens pays tribute to a subject seldom discussed in mixed company, the notion of vulgar vagrant volatiles, fanciful if not fetid fragrance, or flatulence if you please.

If you're a member of the animal kingdom, be it a cow or a comedian, you pay a price every day for being on planet earth.

Let's face it, we all pass gas, some more frequently than others...so why not shed a little light on this taboo topic.

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Insert Image: Courtesy of Fartifacts.com on flickr.com

MOUTHY MAXINE - On the topic of wayward winds for St. Patrick's Day

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Image Credit: St. Patrick's Day Maxine cartoon posted in oldstuff4saleshop.com/MAXPady

Here Be A Dangerous Dragon Lady - And Wicked Wench of Wayward Winds

Stella knew how to let loose a smelly slider or two, after all, what else would she do to celebrate 2012 The Year of the Dragon?

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Image Credit; mymcbooks.wordpress.com/stella-the-fire-farting-dragon

STELLA, THE FIRE FARTING DRAGON

Stella, the Fire Farting Dragon
Stella, the Fire Farting Dragon

Frankly, in a world filled with far too many dungeons and dastardly dragons, it's handy to have a friendly, fire-farting female one on your side!

 

THE SILENT SLIDER

BEWARE OF METHANE MOMMADADDIES! (Image courtesy of bcanada92@flickr.com)

BEWARE OF METHANE MOMMADADDIES! (Image courtesy of bcanada92@flickr.com)
BEWARE OF METHANE MOMMADADDIES! (Image courtesy of bcanada92@flickr.com)

FINDING YOUR FART RETIREMENT RETREAT - Frankly, the eggheads couldn't agree on the best place.

Where do old farts retire, get pickled on pints, and pass wind to their heart's content?

See results

FAMOUS WORDS - From a fan of farts:

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Image Credit: vimrod.com

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF PREHISTORIC PARPS! - Where you're never too old to let a beefer loose!

When the dinosaurs dropped their stink bombs, (unlike the ostriches who ducked their heads in the sand to avoid the creatures' crepitations), the dim-witted dodo birds laughed when these mega methane monsters let more than a few rip which resulted in their untimely demise due to ass blast asphyxiation.

FART FACTOIDS

28,400,00 -- The number of web pages devoted to the common fart.

100 million tons annually -- The estimated yearly methane production by animals (according to waste watchers like "The Worldwatch Institute, "The US Environmental Protection Agency"). adn "Environment Canada".

200-2,400 ml -- The estimated daily passage of gas per person.

145 -- Record farting frequency in a 24-hour period, or 83 farts in 4 hours.

50 feet -- The distance that a paradiddle can travel.

30 cm. -- The distance required to extinguish a candle by a 19th century professional paradiddler by the name of Joseph Pujol.

20-30 per cent -- The proportion of methane gas in the earth's atmosphere that can be accounted for by animals.

30 minutes -- The average time it takes for a newborn to produce waste gases after its birth.

20 minutes -- The duration of a particularly pungent passage of putrid air.

10-15 -- The average number of farts per day for a male.

9 per cent -- The proportion of a cow's intake that is expulsed in gas.

5 per cent -- The proportion of methane gas in the earth's atmosphere attributed to humans.

8 or 9 -- The average number of farts per day for a female.

Less than 1 per cent of fart -- The proportion of a fart that can be attributed to fetid-fragrance inducing chemicals such as ammonia, hydrogen sulphide and skatole.

Queen Elizabeth I -- A prominent 16th century British monarch also known as the "Virgin Queen" who suffered from chronic wind, (although it is not known if she enjoyed 'tooting her own horn').

The ancient Japanese held farting contests and awarded prizes for loudness and duration...no doubt this gives new meaning to the expression "old farts".

Passing wind is great for frolicking in the hollyfuds or rolling in the hay, whichever strikes your fancy.

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Insert Image: Courtesy of Fartifacts.com at flickr.com

Foreign Farting

"In Krio, spoken in Sierra Leone, stomach gas is bad briz, while to pass gas is to pul bad briz."

-- "The Mother Tongue..." by Bill Bryson

ENTERTAINING EUPHEMISMS

for the passage of intinerant intestinal gas

When it comes to name the unspeakable, we have some titillating terms to describe those boisterous barking noises from the bowels of boffins:

A

anal salute, ass blast

B

bad breeze, barking spiders, beeping your horn, begone with the wind, blasting the chair, blat, blazing saddles, blowing the big brown horn, bottom blast, bottom burp, breaking wind, butt burp, butt horn, butt trumpet, butt tuba, buttock bassoon

C

calicoe, calonic calliope, crepitation, cut a stinker, cut the cheese, cut the wind

D

drag, drop a bomb, drop a rose, drop your guts, Dutch Oven

E

entertaining emission, eructation

F

fart, fetid fumes, firing scud missiles, flam, cackling colon, flatulate, flatus delicato (blast in bed), float an air biscuit, flutterblast, fragrance of fiber, fragrant gloom, freep, fundusbreak, funky rollers

G

gaseous intestinal byproducts, gluteal tuba, godawful gas

H

heaven's artillery, high altitude propulsion, High Altitude Flatus Explosion (HAFE), honk, human flatus factory, humrrhoids

I

ill wind, intestinal irritation

J

joyful jet propulsion

L

let a beefer loose, let each little bean be heard, let one go, let one rip

M

mommadaddy, mud blast, mud-duck

N

NADs (Noisy and Deadlies), NANDs (Noisy and Not Deadlies), non-celestial Blue Angels, noxious natures

O

one-gun salute

P

panty puffs, paradiddle, parp, pass gas, pass wind, play the ass trombone, plonker, poot, Puff the Magic Dragon

R

rebuild the ozone layer one puff at a time, rectal honk, ripple fart, ruffs, rumblings

S

SADs (Silent and Deadlies), SANDs (Silent and Not Deadlies), scatalogical secret, shoot the cannon, skillsaw, slider, step on a duck, step on a frog, stink bomb

T

thunderblast, thunder-clap, toot your own horn, trouser cough, trump, trouser trumpet

V

vagrant volatiles, vulgar wind

W

wayward wind, wind breaker, Wonders of Nature

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Image Credit: bcanada92 at flickr.com

A PIECE OF PANTY PUFF POETRY - Who says a plonker people doesn't personalities?

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Image Credit: "Autobiography of Murray The Fart" by John Grandits - johngrandits.com murraythefart

SLIDER SAFETY SIGNAGE

SLIDER SAFETY SIGNAGE
SLIDER SAFETY SIGNAGE

The ability to break wind on cue deserves recognition! - Who will you award the "Cookie Squeezer" diploma?

BREAKING WIND AWARD CERTIF ICATE W/ CITATION AS "COOKIE SQUEEZER" FOR SOMEONE YOU KNOW WHO DESERVES RECOGNITION
BREAKING WIND AWARD CERTIF ICATE W/ CITATION AS "COOKIE SQUEEZER" FOR SOMEONE YOU KNOW WHO DESERVES RECOGNITION

Now the real question is, who deserves this truly unforgettable award from The National Flatus Society and where should it be hung?

 

THE BEAU-FART SCALE

In the early 1760's, a method was devised to measure the force of farts. Jeremiah Trump, a keen farter of Yorkshire, England, decided to rate the efforst of his and his friends' bowels utililzing a scale of measurement which he referred to as "Yee Goode Farte Scale".

FORCE 0 (Calm) - Description: All is calm, no rear-end action whatsoever.

FORCE 1 (Light Air) - Description: Minor chuff, a light warmness may be felt. No disturbance of underwear. Noise levels negligible.

FORCE 2 (Light Breeze) - Description: Wind felt on underwear, loose garments may rustle in the breeze. Sound vaguely audible to purveyor of wind.

FORCE 3 (Gentle Breeze) - Description: Underwear in definite motion. In quiet room farter will hear the fruit of his/her labors.

FORCE 4 (Moderate Breeze) - Description: Raises eybrows, those in close attendance fully aware that fart has occurred.

FORCE 5 (Fresh Breeze) - Description: Short skirts lightly lifted, underwear visibly ruffled. Small animals disturbed.

FORCE 6 (Strong Breeze) - Description: Underwear elastic stretched, will blow skirts up, no mistake. Audible above normal conversation.

FORCE 7 (Near Gale) - Description: Bottom stretched, underwear strained. Farteur is the center of attention even in a crowded room. Heavy odor more than likely.

FORCE 8 (Gale) - Description: Panty elastic snaps under strain, sore bottom likely. Stench inevitable. Social expulsion a distinct possibility.

FORCE 9 (Severe Gale) - Description: Belts and buckles may well buckle under the strain. Possible corrosion of the septum. Audible in adjacent rooms.

FORCE 10 (Storm) - Description: Possible destruction of underwear. Long-term damage to nasal cavity inevitable. Can be heard in surrounding buildings. Outside foliage disturbed.

FORCE 11 (Violent Storm) - Description: Foliage flattened, small trees bent. Poorly constructed buildings in danger of structural damage. Clothing unlikely to remain attached.

FORCE 12 (Hurricane) - Description: Underwear shredded, pants wrecked, skirts blown to neck level, and emergency services alerted (probably no need to call them, anyone within a five-mile radius who has not been deafened/nasally stunned will be more than aware of what has occurred). Paramedics required immediately.

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Source: "The Art of the Fart" by Steve Bryant, Robson Books, 2004, pp.18-21.

Image Credit: www.vimrod.com

MIRTH FROM "THE MERCK MANUAL"

"The Merck Manual" is the proverbial guide to what's what for doctors wishing to check on the symptoms and signs leading to a diagnosis of sundry sicknesses.

In reference to odd sounds emanating from sophisticated sphincters and feisty flams associated with flatulation, here are a few important points to consider when diagnosing a digestion dirigible.

"This symptom, which can cause great psychosocial distress, has been unofficially and humorously described according to its salient characteristics:

(1) the 'slider' (crowded elevator type), which is released slowly and noiselessly, sometimes with devastating effect;

(2) the open sphincter, or 'pooh' type, which is said to be of higher temperature and more aromatic;

(3) the staccato or drum-beat type, pleasantly passed in privacy;

(4) the 'bark' type (described in a personal communication) is characterized by a sharp exclamatory eruption that effecively interrupts (and often concludes) conversation. Aromaticity is not a prominent feature."

(Source: The Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy, R. Berkow (Editor-in-Chief). Merck & Co. West Point, Pennyslvania. 17th Edition, 1992.

WHO SAYS I'M A GASS GUZZLER?

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Image Credit: jonco48 at flickr.com

"All citizens shall be allowed to pass gas whenever necessary."

-- Claudius Caesar --

WHAT DO FREEPS AND FROLICKING IN THE HOLLYFUDS HAVE IN COMMON?

Many a lad and lady have often pondered exactly what figs, freeps, and frolicking in the hollyfuds have to do with one another?

To answer this perplexing question, we have only to take a wee peek at some light-hearted literature to find the answer.

Ambrose Bierce, amusing author of "The Devil's Dictionary", (an irreverent word book of cynical and sardonic wit), reminds us that the definition of ignatus fatuus, (methane gas emanating from bogs, marshes, and swamps where some folks go play is the Latin term for will-o-the wisp, Jack-o-lantern), is more than likely to be just a politically-correct term for "love".

Meanwhile across the pond, from a 17th century British poet named John Suckling, we learn that the Europeans had discovered the relationship between farts, frolicking and flatulent figs some two hundred years earlier:

Love is the fart

Of every heart:

It pains a man when 'tis kept close,

And others doth offend, when 'tis let loose."

Moral to this slider story...perhaps one thing leads to another, another...and well, another!

CAPTAIN COLON CONQUERS FETID FREEPING (Image courtesy of bcanada92 on flickr.com)

CAPTAIN COLON CONQUERS FETID FREEPING (Image courtesy of bcanada92 on flickr.com)
CAPTAIN COLON CONQUERS FETID FREEPING (Image courtesy of bcanada92 on flickr.com)

"I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body."

(Attributed to Walter Matthau in reference to Barbra Streisand)

FANCIFUL FART QUOTATIONS

It's a rare individual who hasn't occasionally released a bit of ill wind at an inopportune moment.

Jeepers creepers, there's no better time than now to recognize those fantastic freeps among us or at least poke fun at paradiddle perpetrators!

So, here's a small whiff from a chosen few who appreciate the humor of a full-bodied flutterblast or two!

"I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., American humorist and author.

"I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize." -- Bart Simpson, "The Simpsons".

"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" -- Monty Python skit.

"You ever fart so hard your back cracks?" -- Kevin Spacey (American actor) as Lester Burnham in the movie, "American Beauty".

"He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner." -- Johnny Carson, American talk-show host.

"At my age, you sort of fart your way into a role." -- Donald Sutherland, Canadian actor.

"You know me Esme, I can't subtract a fart from a plate of beans." -- Terry Pratchett, author.

"Farting DOES NOT constitute "aroma therapy". -- Adrienne E. Gusoff, writer and designer of humorous greeting cards, mugs, and other paraphernalia

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Insert Image: Courtesy of Fartifacts.com at flickr.com

Never judge a man's power by the size of his exhaust!

POLL ON PLONKERS & PARADIDDLES

Do you enjoy a good flam, freep or fundus break?

See results

What's the magic behind every merry mule? - Methane ...which is why Santa sacked us from his transport team!

"WHEN YOU GET WIND OF A TAIL, YOU'RE FOLLOWING TOO CLOSE." (Gladiola Montana from "Never Ask a Man the Size of His Spread - A Cowgirl's Guide to Life"

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Image Credit: 'Equus asinus' by kindalikesorta at flickr.com

"PRANCER THE PARADIDDLER" (Image Credit: malpommes@flickr.com)

"PRANCER THE PARADIDDLER" (Image Credit: malpommes@flickr.com)
"PRANCER THE PARADIDDLER" (Image Credit: malpommes@flickr.com)

Christmas Calico Shop

A Farting Christmas
A Farting Christmas

What do you mean you've never heard elves fart?

 
Chantilly Lane Rip Von Kringle - Singing Farting Santa
Chantilly Lane Rip Von Kringle - Singing Farting Santa

You may just die laughing with Santa's sliders.

 
T.J. Wiseman Remote Controlled Fart Machine No. 2
T.J. Wiseman Remote Controlled Fart Machine No. 2

The perfect present for party poopers!

 
Farts - Know Your Farts Poster - 91.5x61cm
Farts - Know Your Farts Poster - 91.5x61cm

There's always someone farting around in your house during the holiday...so here's the perfect gift for that special somebody!

 
MerryMakers Walter the Farting Dog Plush Toy, 18-Inch
MerryMakers Walter the Farting Dog Plush Toy, 18-Inch

Will definitely be a hit with friends of fetid fragrance Fidos.

 

Wayward Winds & Winter Wonderlands

Harold's Mirthful Motto of Life ... - Never miss an opportunity to pass a little bit of wind.

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Image Credit: Harold's Planet cartoon by Lisa Swerling & Ralph Lazar - harolds-planet.com/C1972.jpg

More Amusing Than A Whoopee Cushion!

The Voice of Vimrod ...

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon - flickr.com/2981096728_c223f874c0.jpg

What is a "Scottish Warming Pan"?

Well, it's either another blinking bagpipe tune or a big bang in one's breeches!

What's another word for a four-legged flatulator?

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Image Credit: Terry Kennedy@flickr.com

Always remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Who Cut the Cheese?: A Cultural History of the Fart
Who Cut the Cheese?: A Cultural History of the Fart

After reading this, you'll be inspired to organize your own "Crepitation Contest"!

 
Blame It on the Dog: A Modern History of the Fart
Blame It on the Dog: A Modern History of the Fart

Plumbing the far reaches of politics, pop culture and literature for more scatalogical stuff to keep you in stitches.

 
Walter the Farting Dog
Walter the Farting Dog

A comical crepitation crowd-pleaser for wee widdums to wonky wunderkins.

 

FUNNY FEEDBACK FROM GIGGLING GASTROPODS - This is your sunny spot to praise the common calicoe.

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    • profile image

      happynutritionist 6 years ago

      Well I've read more about farts than I ever did in any of my Diet and Nutrition studies...lol! Everyone needs a smile, and you gave me one today. Blessing this and adding it to "Diet and Nutrition Squid Angel" page.

    • profile image

      JennyLynn86 8 years ago

      This is a very complete view of the subject at hand (as in hand covering nose). Excellent!

    • kerbev profile image

      kab 9 years ago from Upstate, NY

      Did you know Adolf Hitler was the victim of uncontrollable flatulence and that he attempted to cure that with ȁCDr. Köster’s Anti-gas pillsȁD and shots of amphetamines, which include ingredients that would cause mood wings from euphoria to violent anger, erratic behavior, inflexibility, paranoia, that may had influenced his decisions as leader. Imagine a world with no farts.

    • ElizabethJeanAl profile image

      ElizabethJeanAl 9 years ago

      Welcome to the Totally Awesome Lenses Group.

      Lizzy

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      JasonE 9 years ago

      Reading this lens was a real gas!