- Holidays and Celebrations
Best Places to Hide Elf on the Shelf
My aunt sent us an Elf on the Shelf last year. We opened the package and read the book. The first day I let him pick the spot since he was the one to opened the present, and I didn't really know what it was all about. The next day was my day, and from there on out, I've been in charge of creative places to situate this creepy creature. These ideas are where I'd love to put him.
In the Garbage
In the garbage... need I say more? That cheerful, little fiend belongs there for making my life miserable by having to run downstairs at 1 in the morning when I finally remember he needs to be repositioned, and I'm already nice and warm in bed. Eff you, elf! I didn't want to have to freeze because my son would be disappointed when you didn't leave and come back to a new locale. Hopefully, he doesn't land on the cat litter on the way down in the trash. I say that with great sarcasm in my voice.
In the Closet
While it's standard for people to have a celebration for coming out of the closet, I don't want this guy to ever leave the closet. He belongs in there with his feet and hands tied, gagged and bound. That's his punishment for those stares he keeps sending my way.
Over a Fire
"Elf on the Shelf roasting on an open fire. His body burning from head to toe." I don't really like "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" anyways, so those lines work perfectly for me. How about you? This jingle jerk off should be dangling over top of a fire, or the equivalent–a gas stove. I live in a townhouse, so we can't burn, so a gas stove it is for us. He so needs a skewer run through him. He'd make the perfect Christmas-themed smore. I'd love to see the look on that felt effer's face when the heat is on. I'd put water on him as a special effect for sweat. Maybe, that's a bit too satanic.
Under the Front Tire of My Car
I'd put him under the front tire of my car. I wouldn't run him over at first. I'd keep reversing and going forward to make him sweat a bit.
The best present Elf on My Nerves could give me is him hanging himself from an electrical wire from the shower. Just to make it more festive for the holidays, we could make it a string of Christmas lights from the roof... Have a holly jolly Christmas, you little b*stard!
You could hide him with a fork in an outlet. Obviously, you'd have to do this one away from the kids, so they don't get any ideas. The sad thing is he'd still be smiling after 110 volts.
You could hide him holding a blow dryer in a bathtub. To make this one more exciting, it needs to be plugged in. Sizzle, Satan's helper! I mean, Santa's helper! A toaster could easily replace a blow dryer if you don't have one.
Another way to make that winter-themed wack job a bathtub toy is to tie a rock to his foot and connect it to a toy boat. Oops, I left the bathroom while that evil elf was taking a bath. Sorry, it was negligence on my part.
Start by melting candle wax on him. Wait, that sounds a bit kinky. Instead, just place him next to the candle. In fact, unpleasantly close with his legs wrapped around the candle holder would be the best place for him in this scenario. Then ask him, "How's your jingle bells feeling now? I'm finally getting you back for every time I had to lie about why you came, how you got here and what you do at the North Pole. You turned me into a pathological liar, you pathetic excuse for one of Santa's elves."
In front of the microwave is a perfect place for him. He'll get the perfect amount of radiation for a tiny little being. Die you, holly jolly heathen!
In a Jar
I'd love to put him a jar with a lid. I'm getting you back, bully... you know, for the past two years that you've freaked me out with your mere presence in my home.
Pets can have fun with the elf, too. Put him In the cat's litter box, so that he can play hide and never find him again. Or, in the dog's mouth. How do those bite marks feel, you creepy, smiling thing sent by the Devil to haunt parents and sometimes the children you're supposed to watch over?
This is where this intimate imp belongs. He belongs right back where he came from. You can't possibly tell me something so creepy would come from such a spirited place like the North Pole. He has to come from the firey pit below us.
Finally, you go back to the North Pole–well wrapped up in my attic– for the next 320-some days, you tiny demon doll. I'll drink to that... 320-some days doesn't seem like he's gone long enough, though. And don't worry wicked sprite, I'll be thinking of more ways to torture you next year.