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A Christmas Cavil - or naughty thoughts of Christmas past or present.

Updated on December 13, 2014
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A Christmas Cavil

Christmas is coming, the time is drawing near,

The relatives are restless – devoid of any cheer,

Where will they spend Christmas day? (lunch and tea and supper.)

They choose my place, they always do,

‘Jeeze, not again,’ I mutter.


Of crass commercial Christmas, I’ve surely had my fill,

The only people happy are those gloating at the till,

Show me the peace, the love, the joy, the hope of Yuletides past,

I sense the only spirit left,

Is swirling in a glass.


From afar my guests arrive, bearing beer and casks of wine,

I’m sweltering in the kitchen, the temp hits 39.

We practice hugging, kissing – just hypocrisy I fear,

We only deign to congregate,

On Christmas day each year.

(excluding compulsory weddings and funerals)


I’ve received the Manual for Senior Survival twice,

And the apron someone knitted me is really rather nice!

Oh what a lovely thought my dear – a Jenny Craig subscription,

I’ll buy an extra gift for you,

(is arsenic on prescription?)


Annabelle has bought me Shalimar, the price is still intact,

We know damn well she’s loaded, why advertise the fact?

A raw silk blouse from Joanne, only one size too small,

But I’m a sucker for French labels,

The one says – St V. de Paul.

(a charitable thought).


Who gave me these earrings, it really isn’t clear,

Ah yes, it’s Auntie Doreen, she was wearing them last year,

And of course I love the puppy (you can guess his pedigree)

It’s just that he’s so boisterous and keeps,

Piddling on our tree.

(We could all be electrocuted.)


The turkey and potatoes cooked – the pudding starts to simmer,

We join our hands to thank someone – did He/She cook the dinner?

Auntie has her annual weep-she’s tipsy from the sherry,

She misses her loving husband James,

He shot through with my aunt Nellie,

(20 years ago)


They leave en masse, content at last, all glowing, bright and mellow,

I stack the dishes; feed the pup, my face is tired and yellow,

Oh Santa dear, a cruise next year, Tahiti sounds divine,

But I guess somehow, 12 months from now,

I’ll say ‘same place, same time.’


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    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Dear travmag - This was great. :) I laughed and laughed. Sharing. :)

    • wetnosedogs profile image

      wetnosedogs 4 years ago from Alabama

      Hilarious and sometimes feels oh so true!

    • GoodLady profile image

      Penelope Hart 4 years ago from Rome, Italy

      Oh wonderful darling poet. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry, a bit of both, oh, pass me the nougat.

      Sharing and voting and sending to a few friends who share your sentiments exactly.

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Delightful! Really clever and funny. I am sure any relatives who happen to read it will know it is in jest, right? Up all the way!

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 4 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      You are a writer with a charm and a wit so hard to resist. This is as lovely as you! Just as I needed after dealing with some dramas of life. Great read! Up and sharing the laughter.

      Thank you my lady!

    • profile image

      Valleypoet 4 years ago

      Maj, this is just great, it's sooo.......tongue in cheek/bah humbug/Victor Meldrew all in one...the rhyming works brilliantly with the humour...you have a delightfully dry wit Maj, this really was laugh out loud....thank you, and errrr. ......Merry Christmas?

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      phdast7 - I'm so pleased you enjoyed a little Christmas cheer - thank you so much for your comments and laughter -

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      wetnosedogs - hello again - just fun really but you are right - sometimes!!!! Thanks

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      GoodLady - thank you for connecting with my Christmas and I hope you laughed more than the alternative - hope your friends enjoy also - best wishes to all

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      Great! me too till 2009. Thanks for the memories.

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      xstatic - thanks again for commenting and voting - appreciate it. You are correct - the relatives have fun with it also - otherwise I wouldn't dare! And, of course, I exaggerate big time!

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      CrisSp - Glad you enjoyed a little Christmas spirit and gave you a boost and a time to smile. I appreciate your comments very much.

      Thank you and hope your drama turns around soon, Best...

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Voted up and funny. Ah, yes for those who have relatives who need entertaining year after year. lol We're lucky no one to invite except for my hubby's grown kids but they all have their own plans, we're both orphans as our parents have passed on so at Christmas it is the two of us and our cat Sid. Hope you holidays are great.

    • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

      Glimmer Twin Fan 4 years ago

      Funny and voted up. This was marvelous and quite true for most families! Poor Annabelle..that line made me laugh so hard. Thanks for this. Shared so that others may smile too!

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Valley - thanks once again - just having my christmas rant - mmm - one foot in the grave-ish! Or the gravy perhaps. You should know better than to wish me happy christmas but I'll do my best. and then there's the dreaded new year! Hah, it will all be fun - best to you and yours and corn snake. Cheers.

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Thank you too Mhatter - just taking poetic licence on board. so many good memories really.

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Hello Gypsy - thanks for your comments and vote - the years fly by don't they? Of course this was tongue in cheek and highly exaggerated - but it can be a tough day. Best to you and hubby and Sid.

      sounds like one lucky cat.

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Thank you so much Glimmer - glad you enjoyed a bit of Christmas humour - I'm exaggerating of course and our christmas will be full of joy - however, as you say, I think the underlying message rings bells in many families. Thanks again.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Haha! Brilliant! that says it all in one go! thanks for the laugh, still got a smile on my face!

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 4 years ago from Upstate, New York

      Hysterically funny and very honest!!! Thanks for the wonderful laughter this created today!!!

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Nell Rose - glad you approve - christmas can really be the silly season -thanks so much...

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      shining - glad you saw the humour in this - and some of the honesty - heee... thanks again

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 4 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      Oh I loved this so funny and yet so much of it is true. Your humour is wonderful I am still laughing.

      Have a wonderful Christmas this year :)

    • Johnny Parker profile image

      Johnny Parker 4 years ago from Birkenhead, Wirral, North West England

      Excellent writing, hilarious and true!!

      I shared Christmas with my Australian rellies a few years back and they make a bigger fuss than we do, fake snow and everything!

      Will pass this on!

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Hi Rosemay - thanks for sharing the laughter - despite the 'undertones' But the relatives join in the humour. No doubt they will reciprocate!

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Hi Johnny - glad you had fun with this. Great to hear you experienced an Aussie Christmas - we are seriously weird! Best wishes to you and yours...

    • mizjo profile image

      mizjo 4 years ago from New York City, NY

      Funny, naughty, tickly! If only you'd pin this on your front door on Christmas day. But they'd still descend on you, thinking, 'There's Maj for you, always has to have her joke'!

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Hello again mizijo - thanks for your lovely comments - just tongue-in-cheek and they do understand my sense of humour - I hope!

      Best wishes to you in New York...

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      ohh this is soo good. i love it!

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      unknown - thanks for stopping by and enjoyng this - I really appreciate it. Cheers

    • kj force profile image

      kjforce 4 years ago from Florida

      travmaj...After my Christmas fiasco..bah humbug will NOT take place next year..won't you please join shiningirisheyes, her Mom, and me in that warm tropical place called Tahiti ? loved the " T-I-C " my kinda humor...have a great rest of the year..

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      kj - it's a date - Dec 24th 2013 - Tahiti -hope shiningirisheyes and Mom can make it. Thanks for the fun - cheers for the brand new year...

    • Elsie Hagley profile image

      Elsie Hagley 2 years ago from New Zealand

      Great! I swear you read my thought's as you were writing it.

      It is only a few days before christmas 2014 and here I'm looking forward to 26 th December.

      Hope you have a nice christmas, all the best for 2015.

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 2 years ago from australia

      Thank you Elsie - I think we all get a little frazzled as the day grows near - yes, the 26th for me too. (The boxing day test)

      All best wishes for Christmas and 2015 to you and yours Elsie.

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 2 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      a great poem and a merry christmas to you my friend

    • travmaj profile image
      Author

      travmaj 2 years ago from australia

      peachpurple - hello and thank you, appreciate your being here - best wishes to you for this festive season and 2015.

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