ADVENT CALENDAR FOR GOODY TWO SHOES
What's An Advent Calendar Look Like?
Just How Goody Are You, Two Shoes?
Did you know the original Goody Two Shoes is a character in a story that dates back to the 18th century? She was a poor orphan girl, a character similar to Cinderella! Well, how about that! The term has evolved, of course, and it is not so "cool" (virtuous is the root meaning of cool!) to be a Goody Two Shoes as it was in the original story.
I have no idea what a contemporary Goody Two Shoes looks like, but when I was growing up in the late forties and fifties, the Goody Two Shoes kid was usually rich and tended to be a bit snobbish. However, I have to admit, it was fun to go over to his house because he had all the latest toys and gadgets. His parents drove fancy cars, and it was always a treat when they gave me a ride home.
One of my Goody Two Shoes friends had a Lionel train layout that ran from Fresno to Chicago. I couldn’t get over that layout. When I looked in the J. C. Penny Christmas catalogue, such a layout cost a zillion dollars, even back then, and I could never figure out how any kid could get such a gift from Santa Claus or anyone else, for that matter. Must have had a very rich Uncle Zach. When I finally got my own train set, it ran on a piece of plywood about six by six and never got past my bedroom door, let alone Chicago. So you can imagine what it was like for me to watch Polar Express in 3 D! Whoa! I really got into that movie! I mean I was ON that train!
Whoa! Talking about going from Fresno to Chicago! We’ve gotten off track here! Okay, readers. All aboard, me included!
As I recall, the Goody Two Shoes always had really cool sweaters for the winter. They had those salt and pepper corduroy pants too. Remember those? They always had the latest tennis shoes, the faddiest lunch pale, the best baseball mit Some even had a pool table. Can you believe what it was like to have a pool table in your house in the late forties and fifties? I still don’t have one! Besides, I have enough problems being behind the eight ball without a pool table right smack in my house. And I never forget that pool begins with P which rhymes with T which stands for trouble! Trouble, trouble, trouble.
Well, we’re slippin away again! So anywho, these Goody Two Shoe kids seemed to have it made. And I guess I’m still not over the fact that Goody Two Shoes got some cool presents under the tree that I still haven’t gotten as an adult! Man, am I a cry baby or what? Well, I thought of making a magical Advent Calendar just for Goody Two Shoes.
Oh my god, you gotta know what an Advent Calendar is. I saw some on sale the other day, 2 for $15, and I came really close to buying two just for old time sakes. If you don’t know what an Advent Calendar is, check out the pictures to the right, Amazon items at the bottom of the blog, or Google for yourself.
Okay, so here goes. My magical Advent Calendar for Goody Two Shoes.
So it’s early in the morning, December first, and Goody Two Shoes is opening the very first window on the Advent Calendar, and there’s Santi Claus staring back at him with a smirk and wagging his finger at him. Suddenly Santi becomes animated and speaks!
"Ho ho ho, you little Goody Two Shoes. Think you’re so good, do ya? Well, guess what? I know what you’re doin when no one sees ya, and you got just a few days left to turn it around or ya ain’t gettin nuttin for Christmas. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Goody Two Shoes slams the paper window shut and sits there stunned. He runs to his Mommy.
"Mama, what’s wrong with my Advent Calendar?"
"What are you talkin about, Billy?"
"Watch Mama, watch."
He opens the door and there’s a picture of Baby Jesus.
"See, Billy. It’s just a picture of Baby Jesus!"
As Mama walks away, Santi Claus appears once again. Billy jumps and yelps. Santi says nothing, but laughs hysterically. Billy slams the thin paper door SHUT.
Now, it is day two, and Billy Goody Two Shoes carefully and hesitantly opens the window for day two. There’s Santi staring at him again, this time with quite a frown.
"You little Goody Two Shoes. I hate Goody Two Shoes, Billy. They are always LAST on my list. You’ve been lucky in the past, GTS, but not this year. You’re gettin exactly what yas deserves, Billy. Mama’s Goody Two Shoes is gettin exactly what he deserves."
"Mama, Mama," Billy screams. "It’s the Advent Calendar. Look!"
She peers into the second window and there’s a picture of the stable with a donkey and a lamb.
"Billy, look, there’s the donkey and the lamb."
As she walks away, suddenly Santi appears again and shouts, "You Jackass! Ho ho ho ho ho ho. I’ll put something in your stocking that you can He Haw or Bah Bah Bah about. Wait and see, you little Goody Two Shoes."
Billy sits there stunned.
On the third day, Billy becomes just plain defiant.
"I am going to open each and every window each and every day, just like every other year. If that Santi Claus shows up one more time, I’m gonna pull him by the beard right out of the window. He can’t scare me."
So he carefully opens the window for the third day. There is Baby Jesus, crying, weeping. "Oh, Billy, you’ve been so naughty that you make the Baby Jesus CRY!"
He slams the paper window shut and screams, "Mama Mama."
"For heavens sake, what is it, Billy?"
"My Advent Calendar is possessed, Mama, I swear!"
"Oh, don’t swear, Billy or Mama will have to wash your mouth out with soap. So let’s see what is behind window number three. Why look at that, Billy, the Baby Jesus is offering you a gift."
When Mama leaves the room, Billy looks into that third window again, and there’s Santi Claus laughing up a storm. He reaches through the window for Santi’s beard, but before he knows it, he himself is being pulled into the little window. He screams, "Mama, help, help."
His mother comes running. "Billy what is it?"
He looks up at her with clumps of white fur in his hand.
"Billy! What are you doing to our cat? Oh, poor Snowball. Look what you did, Billy."
"But Mama, I..I...I."
"Now that’s enough, Billy. It’s bad enough that everyone else in this house lies to me, don’t you start."
So now we’re at day four. Billy Goody Two Shoes is a bound and determined little bugger. He stupidly, perhaps bravely, but stupidly opens the little paper window for day four. There in the little window is a clip of himself sneaking into the kitchen late at night and eating a slice of fresh Apple Pie, and the next morning, his older brother gets a whoopin for it. He sits there silently and terrified to call his mommy just in case she might see what’s really there.
He figures that Santi has won, and there’s no point going through this terror any longer. So he decides to open the rest of the twenty windows right then and there. And like every other Advent Calendar, inside each window is simply a reminder of the holidays: a picture of an angel, a Christmas wreathe, a Christmas tree with gifts, Frosty the snowman with a crucifix around his neck, Rudolph kneeling down, saying a prayer before the big trip, all just little pictures, holy little pictures, nothing satanic or possessed.
"Billy, what have you done? You opened all the windows. Honey, you’re not supposed to do that. Oh, what’s your father going to say when he comes home?"
"Mama, you don’t have to tell him, do you?"
"I certainly do, Billy, and tomorrow when you get your picture with Santa Claus at Macy’s, you’re going to have to tell him as well."
"No, mama, no, please, please."
"You’re a very naughty boy, Billy. Whatever happened to my Goody Two Shoes? Uh? Whatever happened to my sweet Goody Two Shoes? Obviously he's grown up now and just like every other kid on the block. Nothing special about my little Billy anymore."
"But mama, but mama."
He stared at the Advent Calendar. "You freakin fat man. You pervert you. How could I have ever believed you were real in the first place?"
Santi Claus began sticking his head out of every window laughing hysterically and saying over and over. "I’m not real. Ho ho ho. I’m not real. Ho ho ho."
He grabbed the Advent Calender and crumpled it up, but Santi continued to poke his head out of the crumpled windows.
"Tear me up, will ya? I can hardly wait for Christmas morning, Goody Two Shoes. Man do I have something special for you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."
Goody Two Shoes looked around and then took the Advent Calendar and stuffed it to the bottom of the kitchen trash can. As he walked away, he could still hear the muffled voice of Santi, laughing. "You just trashed Santi, Goody Two Shoes, and ya just trashed your Christmas. Ho ho ho ho ho ho, ya little Good Two Shoes mama’s boy!"
Christmas came and went that year for Billy. He got everything he asked for. There were no more visits from Santi Claus, but he couldn't stop thinking about the Advent Calendar. He refused to ever again have one.
Years later, he ended up in therapy. Well, actually, when he was about thirty two, coming out of church on the first Sunday of Advent, a parishoner was dressed like Santa Claus and selling Advent Calendars as part of a fund raiser for the youth group. Billy just lost it, even after all those years, and decked the parishoner. He ended up in court, and the judge mandated therapy and anger management.
When his wife asked him what the heck was going on, he could only mutter that he was considering becoming a Jew or a Muslin or maybe even a Hindu as long as they didn't have Advent Calendars.
She said to him in response. "There's gotta to be something wrong here, Sweetie. You've always been such a Goody Two Shoes, you know, and I hate to say it, but kind of a Mama's boy."
"I can't believe you're saying that," he screamed. "And I can't tell ayone what this is about or they would lock me up."
"That's going to happen anyway, Sweetie if you keep deckin Santi Clauses."
"Did you say Santi Claus?"
"I guess I did, Sweetie. I meant Santa. Honey,"
"That was no slip. I know you're in on this somehow."
"What are you talking about, Sweetie? In on what? And where are you going?"
Well, what do you think? Is this as good a place as any to end the story for now? Maybe there's an equally silly sequel later on in the season. I just don't know how to end it!
Goody Two Shoes is definitely someone real in my past. Is he someone in my present? I'm taking the fifth on that one!!
I laugh reading this silly story. I hope you do too. Perhaps a little innocent and harmless vengeance for the Goody Two Shoes in our lifes!