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Bold barbecue sauce: Are you ready for the boldness?
Only the Bold May Apply, please
Are you bold enough? Can you handle the immensely powerfully bold flavor of extreme barbecue sauce?
Only the boldest barbequers need apply. If boldness runs in your family, if your prehistoric parents marinated mastodons under the constant threat of circling pterodactyls, if your taste buds have callouses, then maybe you're bold enough.
Only the boldest truly understand what it means to barbecue. Come strong to the grill. Don't shrink from intense flavors brought to you by the spices and more spices and even more spices found only in the boldest of sauces.
So, You Think You Can Bold?
Yes, we are bold enough to use bold as a verb. We don't need no poetic license.
Take this simple quiz to determine your level of boldness
When shopping for barbecue sauce, I always:
- Check the ingredients to make sure that High Fructose Corn Syrup is first on the list.
- Look for the word "bold" in big bold letters on the label
- Only the somewhat bold actually shop for barbecue sauce: I order it online from intensely bold web sites.
When applying barbecue sauce, I tend to:
- Brush it on subtly with a goat's hair basting brush from The Sharper Image
- Carefully pour it directly from the bottle onto the meat.
- Boldly dump it onto the the meat, the coals, the vegetables, and any guests who wander too close to the grill during the cooking process.
My animal flesh is properly prepared if:
- It is infused with lightly animated barbecue spice molecules that dance on the taste buds throughout the meal.
- It is soaked in any barbecue sauce that I found in the refrigerator.
- It has a 3 inch coating of boldly bold barbecue sauce so thick that the type of animal is completely obscured.
My preferred brand of barbecue sauce is:
- Whatever is on sale at Wal-Mart.
- A brand that has a bold logo and bold advertising with a bold mascot, manufactured in a bold part of the country by bold people.
- Only moderately bold people buy barbecue sauce. Truly bold barbecuers concoct a special blend composed of ingredients that require Hazmat labeling.
Horseradish Mustard is:
- A tasty condiment that enhances the flavor of turkey and pork.
- Considered bold only in places where they tuck their napkin into their Ralph Lauren Polo shirts.
- Something to gargle with every morning because it's not bold enough to barbecue with.
How Did You Do?
Check your score on the boldness meter:
1-4: Go inside and watch The View. Leave the grilling to people with some modicum of innate boldness.
5-8: Your boldness is showing, but you need to boldly go into deeper levels of boldness.
9-11: You may approach the grill, but only as a apprentice.
12: Congratulations on achieving the upper stratosphere of boldness. Strap on your apron and initiate the grilling process. Apply boldness liberally.