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De-Coding Christmas Carols

Updated on September 23, 2014
Just what are these Christmas Carolers singing about these days?
Just what are these Christmas Carolers singing about these days?

Changing Lyrics to Popular Christmas Carols

Don't get me wrong, but I love Christmas music and it doesn't bother me that most radio stations slowly start playing them in August. Of course by the end of November I do get sick of them.

The other day as I was driving (it was Christmas in July) one of the songs playing was everyone's favorite "Baby It's Cold Outside." However, in today's "politically correct society" the line regarding having a cigarette has been omitted and I find it odd that they would remove it. However, they keep the premise of wanting "to get closer" (sex) as the main theme of the song. I also found it strange they would keep the alcohol reference in since it's okay to drink but not smoke.

And now that Hallmark has removed "gay" from their Holiday Sweater Ornament I guess The Flintstones won't be having a gay old time. So the more I thought about it I started looking at lyrics from popular Christmas songs and I think I may have decoded the meanings to these now politically incorrect songs.

Lets hope these lyrical lines will get a politically correct makeover someday since this is how I interpret them:

"Yo ho! the mistletoe." (I guess that's where the ho's gather)

"Don we now our gay apparel." (What goes on in my closet stays in my closet)

"I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus." (Mommy's obviously making extra holiday cash)

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer." (Drunk AND flying)

"Jack Frost nipping at your nose." (New slang for coke?)

"Now, bring us some figgy pudding." (Ungrateful guests)

"Also a ball and a whip that cracks." (Inspiration for 50 Shades of Grey?)

"Bring me flesh, and bring me wine." (Hannibal Lecter's Christmas list?)

"A pistol that shoots is the wish of Barney and Ben." (Are they planning a duel over Janice and Jen?)

"Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go?" (Those girls in Accounting at the Christmas party)

"Say, what's in this drink?" (Probably GHB)

"He sees you when you're sleeping." (Chandler's roommate Eddie)

"There'll be scary ghost stories." (Um Halloween is 54 days before Christmas)

"All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." (Obviously this constitutes as bullying)

"Gee, the traffic is terrific!" (A: traffic is not terrific and B: ever hear of road rage?)

"O come, little children, O come one and all" (Didn't Sarah Jessica Parker lure children into the woods with this song in Hocus Pocus?)

"Here we come a-wassailing" (I don't know what this means but it doesn't sound good)

"Where ox and ass are feeding" (Twerking had something to do with this I'm sure).

If lyrics are going to be changed, why not just change "Silver Bells" altogether. I mean listen to it closely. People aren't meeting smile after smile. Who looks at other people these days? And then of course there's the shoppers rushing home with their treasures. Probably because they don't want to get mugged lugging around those expensive gifts. But who actually goes to the mall? It's easier to shop from the comfort of your home at three in the morning, in your underwear (or less)?

You'll have to forgive me if some of these songs are now stuck in your head. That was my intention to see what you'd change some lyrics to.

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    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish MS 

      4 years ago from USA. Member of Asgardia, the first space nation, since October 2016

      Halloween Carols! Now that should be fascinating.

    • Eric Tuchelske 1 profile imageAUTHOR

      Eric Tuchelske 

      4 years ago from Detroit

      Wait until I publish my Halloween Carols!

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish MS 

      4 years ago from USA. Member of Asgardia, the first space nation, since October 2016

      This is all quite clever and makes me laugh! Voted up and etc.

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