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Your Halloween Candy Could Be Cursed!

Updated on April 28, 2016
FatFreddysCat profile image

From my "Random Slice of Life" file...experiences, advice, happenings, and glorious results of a misspent youth.

If this is what a curse looks like, then call me cursed. Yum yum.
If this is what a curse looks like, then call me cursed. Yum yum. | Source

Happy Halloween

Fall has begun, and with it comes the usual signs that October and Halloween are on the way: kids have returned to school, the leaves are beginning to change colors, stores are loaded with Halloween costumes, decorations and novelties, and horror movies turn up on TV in greater numbers than usual. In addition to these annual sign posts, another signal that Halloween is rapidly approaching has begun popping up on Facebook and other social media sites, just like clockwork - the annual rush of Unintentionally Hilarious Christian Anti-Halloween Propaganda!!

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You've Been Warned!

The bulk of such articles regurgitate the same nonsense every year - in a nutshell, that "Halloween is SATAN'S holiday! It's EEEEEEEEEVIL!" Small-minded "True believers" read these so called "facts,"clutch them to their chests and scream "I KNEW it!" while those who are a bit more skeptical/cynical get a good chuckle out of them and pass them along to friends via social media to enjoy for their humor value.

A particularly hilarious 2009 piece from the evangelical Christian magazine Charisma asks "Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?" -- and this one in particular always makes me laugh so hard that I snort coffee out of my nose and all over my monitor. (fortunately I always keep a roll of paper towels close by.) If you'll excuse the mixed metaphor, this article is the Unintentional Humor Holy Grail.

As you can probably tell from the title, the Charisma piece - written by Kimberly Daniels, a Florida based evangelist of some apparent renown - presents numerous bits of so-called "evidence" (none of which, naturally, are backed up in any way by reality) as to why Christians should NOT celebrate Halloween. You really need to see this article for yourself to truly appreciate its complete and utter derangement. According to Miss Daniels, Halloween is "a counterfeit holy day" dedicated to celebrating the "demonic trinity" consisting of the "Luciferian Spirit," the "Antichrist spirit," and the "Spirit of Belial."

If that isn't enough, she also claims that "behind the scenes" Halloween activities include "sex with demons," "conjuring of demons and casting of spells," and "rape and molestation of adults, children and babies."

Ummm... wow! Okay! I have celebrated Halloween every year since I was a kid, and I can honestly say that I have never partaken in any of the above mentioned activities. Maybe I just don't get invited to the right parties?

Here I thought Halloween was just about horror movies on TV and costumed kids begging for candy from the neighbors. Who knew??

Normally one of these anti-Halloween screeds is pretty much the same as any other, but this particular piece threw me a curve ball: in between the predictable blah-de-blah about Halloween being Satan's holiest day and a festival of demonic rituals that involve "Orgies between animals and humans" and "sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood," (yes, seriously!!) the author claims that:

"...most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."

...wait, WHAT??

"I'll GET YOU my pretty... and your MIlky Way Bars too!
"I'll GET YOU my pretty... and your MIlky Way Bars too! | Source

Miss Daniels says - with a perfectly straight face, I'm sure - that she doesn't buy candy during the Halloween season because "curses are sent through the tricks and treats."

The first time I read this article, I began feverishly searching for a disclaimer as soon as I hit that paragraph, hoping to find evidence that it was an intentionally ridiculous spoof piece masquerading as a real article, like something from The Onion... but nope, it appears to be the real deal. According to my good friend, Doctor Wik E. Pedia, Charisma magazine is a real live Christian publication which is based in Florida (what is it about Florida that seems to breed evangelistic wack-a-loons?). Charisma was founded in 1975 and boasted a circulation of 275,000 copies per issue as of 2009. Who knew? (shrugs)

Does this author seriously believe that Hershey's, M&M/Mars and all of the other major candy manufacturers around the world have "witches" on the payroll who "curse" every bit of candy that rolls off the assembly line during the Halloween season? Suddenly I have a mental image of Margaret Hamilton from "The Wizard of Oz" standing at the end of a conveyor belt, waving her wand and cackling "I curse YOU, and I curse YOU, and I curse YOU...and your little dog, too!" as an endless parade of boxes passes by,

So many questions...

This cursed-candy revelation brings to mind several other questions:

First of all, how do you know when the "Halloween Season" begins, so you can adjust your candy-buying habits accordingly? Is it limited to the month of October, or does it start when candy starts showing up in stores wrapped in the orange-colored bags with Trick or Treat graphics on them? In that case, I guess I'd have to stop buying candy in late August, because that's when Walgreens' starts putting out their Halloween selections right next to the Back-To-School items. Damn!!

I also have to ask, is ALL candy cursed during the Halloween season, or just the bags of "Fun Size" candy that's packaged specifically for Trick or Treat? For example, if I buy a Snickers bar out of the candy machine at my office during the month of October, am I automatically cursed? Because wow, that would suck. Also, if you buy a bag of leftover Fun Size Snickers for half price on November 1st, is it OK to eat them because it's AFTER Halloween, or do they still have some evil in 'em?

What exactly does a curse taste like? Will it affect the yummy caramel/nougat combination of a Milky Way, or the crunchy crisped-rice goodness of a Whatchamacallit bar? Let's return to my "candy machine at work" scenario yet again. When I purchase a candy bar from that machine, I have no way of knowing when that candy was manufactured. Let's say I get a Snickers bar out of there in early December, but it was actually made during the "curse" period. Do curses have an expiration date?

So many questions, and no answers. I'm not sure what's more terrifying - the idea that there are people walking around loose that actually believe "demons" are placing curses in Halloween candy, or the knowledge that these people can vote...and breed...and operate heavy machinery. THAT is scarier than any Halloween horror movie or monster!!

All I can say to the religioso's who dutifully pass on such misinformed nonsense every October - and turn off their porch lights on October 31st so they won't have to take part in the Halloween fun - is "Fine, be a party pooper. It just means more candy for the rest of us."

Thanks for reading and Happy Halloween!!

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    • nrose profile image

      Noel 21 months ago from Edmonton

      This gave me a good laugh. I had no idea people believed stuff like this - maybe it's because I am cursed?

      Thanks for the entertaining read.

      I look forward to my chocolate curses coming up!

    • FatFreddysCat profile image
      Author

      Keith Abt 21 months ago from The Garden State

      Enjoy those yummy curses!! Haha

    • Happy Moment profile image

      James 21 months ago from The Eastern Bypass

      I have never understood the history or idea behind the Halloween thing. How did it began?

    • profile image

      Pat Mills 21 months ago from East Chicago, Indiana

      Christians and non-Christians alike are welcome to come and have my red nougat 3 Musketeers bars. The local ministry has banded together to give children and adults alike dispensation to their believers.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 21 months ago from Somewhere in the universe

      After just reading the story about the teacher who sent a kid home with a note about being demon possessed because he was writing with his left hand, I am still shocked to see that Christians today are STILL promoting witchcraft and demonology.

      It's like you say, "the idea that there are people walking around loose that actually believe "demons" are placing curses in Halloween candy, or the knowledge that these people can vote...and breed...and operate heavy machinery". THAT is what is terrifying!

      I wonder how many more thousands of years have to pass before the human race actually grows up? But I still want my Halloween candy! Cursed or not.

    • FatFreddysCat profile image
      Author

      Keith Abt 21 months ago from The Garden State

      Right on. They can have my Halloween candy when they pry it from my cold, dead, possibly cursed fingers!!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 21 months ago from Somewhere in the universe

      And what's the deal on "Christmas" candy? Is it possessed by red and green "angels"?

    • FatFreddysCat profile image
      Author

      Keith Abt 21 months ago from The Garden State

      Maybe they melt down the "evil" Halloween candy and re-purpose it so it's "born again?"

      ...we're having way too much fun with this....

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 21 months ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Have you seen the demon pumpkins? Somebody started a whole line of pumpkin minions! So cute! But, of course, they are little demons in disguise.

    • FatFreddysCat profile image
      Author

      Keith Abt 21 months ago from The Garden State

      Coincidentally, I just drank a pumpkin ale. I wonder if those are cursed as well?

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 21 months ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Obviously, Jack 'O Lanterns are demons! That's why they only come out at Halloween/Fall. I'm having the devilish Pumpkin Spice Latte right now!

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 21 months ago from Home Sweet Home

      If the candies collected cannot be eaten, why trick or treat in the first place?

    • ThatMommyBlogger profile image

      Missy 21 months ago from The Midwest

      Interesting post. This is the first time I've heard about candy being sprayed by witches lol.

    • profile image

      Tohostudios 21 months ago

      A curse should befall anyone who hands out the "fun-size" candy at Halloween; I know I used to curse AT the people who gave them to me. That's why I've made it a person tradition to always give out FULL SIZE candy bars at Halloween.

      Wait...does that mean I'm getting a full size curse too instead of a fun-size one????

    • FatFreddysCat profile image
      Author

      Keith Abt 21 months ago from The Garden State

      Hello tohostudios -- ooooh boy, sounds to me like you're getting an EXTRA LARGE curse!! Hahaha

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 21 months ago from Somewhere in the universe

      This has inspired me to write a new hub for Halloween. I don't want to give it away, but it involves the Texas prison system and an "execution" party!

      Talked about cursed!

    • FatFreddysCat profile image
      Author

      Keith Abt 21 months ago from The Garden State

      Cool, Austin. Bring it on!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 20 months ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Ok, finished my 2015 Halloween hub and it's linked to this hub!

      http://austinstar.hubpages.com/hub/The-Candy-Man-D...

      Enjoy!

    • profile image

      flakycrustedmemry 16 months ago

      Great funny reading!! I read this in February, but still enjoyed every word. It made me want to go eat chocolate. My religious sister made her daughter give up her cabbage patch doll when she was little because it was made from an evil corporation. I had never heard of an organization that purposely made evil dolls. Evil dolls and cursed candy... It is not easy to be a kid!

    • FatFreddysCat profile image
      Author

      Keith Abt 16 months ago from The Garden State

      Hi flaky - your sister probably did her daughter a favor... those Cabbage Patch Kids were freakin' creeeeeepy!! Haha

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