Your Halloween Candy Could Be Cursed!
Fall has begun, and with it comes the usual signs that October and Halloween are on the way: kids have returned to school, the leaves are beginning to change colors, stores are loaded with Halloween costumes, decorations and novelties, and horror movies turn up on TV in greater numbers than usual. In addition to these annual sign posts, another signal that Halloween is rapidly approaching has begun popping up on Facebook and other social media sites, just like clockwork - the annual rush of Unintentionally Hilarious Christian Anti-Halloween Propaganda!!
You've Been Warned!
The bulk of such articles regurgitate the same nonsense every year - in a nutshell, that "Halloween is SATAN'S holiday! It's EEEEEEEEEVIL!" Small-minded "True believers" read these so called "facts,"clutch them to their chests and scream "I KNEW it!" while those who are a bit more skeptical/cynical get a good chuckle out of them and pass them along to friends via social media to enjoy for their humor value.
A particularly hilarious 2009 piece from the evangelical Christian magazine Charisma asks "Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?" -- and this one in particular always makes me laugh so hard that I snort coffee out of my nose and all over my monitor. (fortunately I always keep a roll of paper towels close by.) If you'll excuse the mixed metaphor, this article is the Unintentional Humor Holy Grail.
As you can probably tell from the title, the Charisma piece - written by Kimberly Daniels, a Florida based evangelist of some apparent renown - presents numerous bits of so-called "evidence" (none of which, naturally, are backed up in any way by reality) as to why Christians should NOT celebrate Halloween. You really need to see this article for yourself to truly appreciate its complete and utter derangement. According to Miss Daniels, Halloween is "a counterfeit holy day" dedicated to celebrating the "demonic trinity" consisting of the "Luciferian Spirit," the "Antichrist spirit," and the "Spirit of Belial."
If that isn't enough, she also claims that "behind the scenes" Halloween activities include "sex with demons," "conjuring of demons and casting of spells," and "rape and molestation of adults, children and babies."
Ummm... wow! Okay! I have celebrated Halloween every year since I was a kid, and I can honestly say that I have never partaken in any of the above mentioned activities. Maybe I just don't get invited to the right parties?
Here I thought Halloween was just about horror movies on TV and costumed kids begging for candy from the neighbors. Who knew??
Normally one of these anti-Halloween screeds is pretty much the same as any other, but this particular piece threw me a curve ball: in between the predictable blah-de-blah about Halloween being Satan's holiest day and a festival of demonic rituals that involve "Orgies between animals and humans" and "sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood," (yes, seriously!!) the author claims that:
"...most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."
Miss Daniels says - with a perfectly straight face, I'm sure - that she doesn't buy candy during the Halloween season because "curses are sent through the tricks and treats."
The first time I read this article, I began feverishly searching for a disclaimer as soon as I hit that paragraph, hoping to find evidence that it was an intentionally ridiculous spoof piece masquerading as a real article, like something from The Onion... but nope, it appears to be the real deal. According to my good friend, Doctor Wik E. Pedia, Charisma magazine is a real live Christian publication which is based in Florida (what is it about Florida that seems to breed evangelistic wack-a-loons?). Charisma was founded in 1975 and boasted a circulation of 275,000 copies per issue as of 2009. Who knew? (shrugs)
Does this author seriously believe that Hershey's, M&M/Mars and all of the other major candy manufacturers around the world have "witches" on the payroll who "curse" every bit of candy that rolls off the assembly line during the Halloween season? Suddenly I have a mental image of Margaret Hamilton from "The Wizard of Oz" standing at the end of a conveyor belt, waving her wand and cackling "I curse YOU, and I curse YOU, and I curse YOU...and your little dog, too!" as an endless parade of boxes passes by,
So many questions...
This cursed-candy revelation brings to mind several other questions:
First of all, how do you know when the "Halloween Season" begins, so you can adjust your candy-buying habits accordingly? Is it limited to the month of October, or does it start when candy starts showing up in stores wrapped in the orange-colored bags with Trick or Treat graphics on them? In that case, I guess I'd have to stop buying candy in late August, because that's when Walgreens' starts putting out their Halloween selections right next to the Back-To-School items. Damn!!
I also have to ask, is ALL candy cursed during the Halloween season, or just the bags of "Fun Size" candy that's packaged specifically for Trick or Treat? For example, if I buy a Snickers bar out of the candy machine at my office during the month of October, am I automatically cursed? Because wow, that would suck. Also, if you buy a bag of leftover Fun Size Snickers for half price on November 1st, is it OK to eat them because it's AFTER Halloween, or do they still have some evil in 'em?
What exactly does a curse taste like? Will it affect the yummy caramel/nougat combination of a Milky Way, or the crunchy crisped-rice goodness of a Whatchamacallit bar? Let's return to my "candy machine at work" scenario yet again. When I purchase a candy bar from that machine, I have no way of knowing when that candy was manufactured. Let's say I get a Snickers bar out of there in early December, but it was actually made during the "curse" period. Do curses have an expiration date?
So many questions, and no answers. I'm not sure what's more terrifying - the idea that there are people walking around loose that actually believe "demons" are placing curses in Halloween candy, or the knowledge that these people can vote...and breed...and operate heavy machinery. THAT is scarier than any Halloween horror movie or monster!!
All I can say to the religioso's who dutifully pass on such misinformed nonsense every October - and turn off their porch lights on October 31st so they won't have to take part in the Halloween fun - is "Fine, be a party pooper. It just means more candy for the rest of us."
Thanks for reading and Happy Halloween!!