Easy Ways To Get Invited To Barbecues
SOUP'S, ERR, I MEAN, BARBECUE'S ON
I am going to be short and sweet. To the point. No bells. No whistles. And no tinsel trimming around this story. I am presenting a ‘no-frills’ story that, if used correctly, will make you and your family and friends much happier than you are now.
I am not giving away cash like Publisher’s Clearinghouse. I am not giving you the winning numbers for the state lottery. I am giving, yes giving, you something much more valuable. Something that you can pass down to your kids and grandkids. It’s that valuable. And feel honored because I have not, until now, shared this information with anyone in the free world.
Summer is still around. You can tell that (if you live or have passed through the South) by the furnace-like temperatures that are covering the southeast like a blanket. And summer means two things: vacations and barbecue time. This is my millions of people prefer summer as their favorite time of the year. Smart people, I’d say.
Barbecues have been around virtually since the caveman days. Think about it. What other species of mankind first learned the great benefits of roasting their raw meats over an open fire? Not apes. Not Big Foot, or is it feet? Anyway, my point is that there aren’t many sensible, level-headed, all-American people who do NOT love a good barbecue with family and friends. What a time for people to relax, share stories, and enjoy platefuls of tasty food items such as: hamburgers, franks, corn-on-the cob and yessiree, those mouth-watering T-bone and rib eye steaks. I’m getting hungry just writing about this.
Sadly, and I hate to even bring this up, in today’s shaky economy in 2011, there are many people who will not get to enjoy a family vacation this year. Just check with MSNBC or Fox News and you will see this startling fact in front of your eyes. Many people are forced to vacation at home. Or have what is being called a “Stay-Cation,” and I like that term. Next year, I may talk my wife who loves the open road, into taking a week’s leisure time staying at home. No packing. No reservations to make. No snooty desk clerks to cope with. Ahhh, this idea is sounding better and better.
So why am I writing about barbecues? Simple. If you are one of the unfortunate who are forced to stay at home this year or next year, this story will prove valuable to you if you want to show your family a wonderful time and all for FREE. That’s right. I said it. FREE. No charge. No credit card bills. No checks to write. FREE to you and your family if you are willing to follow my advice in the remainder of this story. This advice is NOT for the weak-hearted folks. It is intended for people who can swallow their pride, kick their self-respect to the curb and go on faith and seize the end-results of a great evening with friends and neighbors who are having the Great American Event: The Barbecue. And here’s some easy ways that YOU can enjoy this wonderful event with them.
Now I want to be up front with you before you start reading the EASY WAYS to GET INVITED to a BARBECUE tips. Only use these tips with complete strangers. Do NOT attempt to use these tips with your friends or neighbors, because of this solitary reason: Even if you swallow your pride, and get invited to their barbecue, remember that your friends and neighbors are human and human nature dictates that they will talk about you when you leave their barbecue and start whispers among themselves about how you might be jobless or just financially-strapped to the point of being unable to afford groceries. With complete strangers, it won’t matter if they talk about you. You will, in all probability, never see these strangers again.
EQUIPMENT NEEDED: Old, worn, shabby clothing, but not too shabby, you don’t want look like you are on the mercy of the world.
ACTING LESSONS: You might take a few free acting lessons from your local community theater group who can teach you the fundamentals on looking pitiful, down-and-out and in need of a good meal.
Now you are ready to try out these “Easy, Free Ways To Get Invited To Any Barbecue.”
1. RELAX AND JUST SHOW UP - at a stranger’s house--wearing your shabby clothes. Park your van out of sight to the people you are “visiting” cannot see your tag number. Do not act guilty. Just act and believe that you belong at their barbecue. For all intents and purposes, the host and hostess will think that someone at the barbecue who was invited, invited you. Now look pitiful and break the ice by saying, “Say, we could smell the aroma of that award-winning barbecue three blocks away,” and the host’s ego will kick in and he or she cannot make themselves tell you to leave. In fact they will say, “Would you and your four kids care to join us?” Then you reply, “Well, we don’t want to impose, but thank you and bless you,” by using the term: Bless you, the host or hostess will suddenly think that you are of good moral station and relax around you. But as you shovel down loads of that tasty barbecue, be careful to not tell too much about yourself. You do not want these people to be able to trace you to where you actually live.
2. BRING A GUITAR WITH YOU ON YOUR BACK - this is a dead give-away that you must be a traveling troubadour and what barbecue would be complete without a talented singer and musician to entertain people as they enjoy great grilled food? The host will of course say, “May I help you?” when you walk up to their barbecue. You humbly smile and reply, “Uh, yes. I was wondering if I might, (laugh here), ‘sing for our supper’?” The host will look stunned, but their good-hearted nature will not tell you leave, but you won’t have to worry about not knowing how to play the guitar because you have rigged the strings to all break when you start to strum a tune for the guests. This will only cement the fact that you are down-on-your-luck and now you and your family can ‘eat like a king’ and for free.
3. INVEST IN A LOW-COST, PET DOG - that you can put on a leash and lead up to the family who is having the barbecue. Look concerned and ask, “Is this fine specimen of a dog yours, sir?” The host will chuckle, but be appreciative that you took the time to bring the dog to him. After the congenial host answers no, then slowly look around and being humble again, ask this question, “Wow! Is that steak on the grill?” And by now you have softened-up the host’s heart and he will ask, “Friend, would you care for a bite? We have plenty.” Don’t act swiftly here, but slowly say yes and also ask if you could ‘pay’ the man back for his Christian hospitality. This never hurts when you are being given a free steak.
4. TRY THE “I’M NEW TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD” ROUTINE - and you won’t be telling a lie because for a little while, you ARE new to this area. When you announce to the barbecue host that ‘you are new to the neighborhood,’ he might assume that you are buying a house in that neighborhood, so quickly add that you are only looking at homes for your family. Then the kicker of a question that you ask: “Do you have great-smelling barbecues like this often?” The host, wanting t be a good representative of the neighborhood will now say something of this nature, “Well, friend, in case you do locate in our fine area, help yourself to the food. And yes, bring your wife and kids in the car--and you don’t need to let them sit there in the sun like that!” You both laugh, shake hands and you give him a fake name. Then get ready to chow-down on some FREE, tasty barbecue all for acting like you might live in this guy’s neighborhood.
5. USE THE “MAY I USE YOUR PHONE FOR AN IMPORTANT CALL” GIMMICK - and this will, most times, work only if you are a convincing actor. You need to solidify your face with a serious, stone-face, Humphrey Bogart look--this is where you acting lessons come into play. Tell the barbecue host your name, fake of course, and do not revel the subject of the phone call, but tell the host that it is a local call. He or his wife will show you where the phone is located. And she might stay around while you use the phone because she has never laid eyes on you and with today’s staggering crime rate, can you blame her? Just call your own home number and make up the conversation as you are trying to talk your head-long brother into not leaving for the Army, but act like the fake brother has hung up on you and you stand there in shock. The host or his wife will ask, “Is there anything we can do?” Reply, “No, but thank you for letting me use your phone,” and start to walk away. Then with a longing lilt to your voice say, “I cannot remember the last time my family and I had some real, old-fashioned barbecue,” and continue walk. The host and his wife, being helpful to your “dilemma,” will now offer you and your family a FREE barbecue meal and even introduce you to their family and guests. I just hope that you don’t have a loud conscience because THIS TIP takes a strong heart to pull off.
6. ‘MAY I BUY SOME OF YOUR BARBECUE TO TAKE’ - to a ‘sick’ uncle might work like a gem, but be prepared for questions like, “Who is your uncle? I might know him,” that the host will most likely ask you. Then the host, if he is like most barbecue hosts, will say to you, “We don’t sell our food, but you are welcome to take your sick uncle a plate if you want to,” but with this tip, you may have to go it alone and leave the wife and kids out of this gig. Before the host’s wife prepares a plate for your ailing uncle, start chatting with some people who are sitting around, and probably enjoying mixed drinks or cold beer--making them less inhibited and more accessible to your questions, and no matter who they talk about, you instantly like them. No matter their opinion, this is just how you feel also. Before long the host will ask, “Why don’t you just stay and enjoy a plate of food before you take one to your uncle?” Now you have scored two plates of delicious food--one for now and one for later. But stay on your toes because someone in a crowd always confuses you with someone else and mix in some alcohol, well, you might have a ‘sticky wicket’ on your hands. Just be cool, cordial, agreeable and non-confrontal and you should be fine.
7. TURN OFF YOUR CAR’S ENGINE IN FRONT - of the barbecue location. Get out of the car, lift the hood and now shake your head and say disappointing things like, “Some way to start a vacation. First week off in five years. Now this!” The barbecue host, being a man, will offer his mechanical help, but you outfox him and give him some mumbo-jumbo reason why the car did this, so do the next smart thing and, (similar to ‘I’m New To The Neighborhood’ tip), ask the host if you can call a wrecker. He will automatically agree, but make absolutely-sure that the barbecue host is NOT the owner of a wrecker company himself before you ask if you can call your wrecker. Do the same thing as with your head-long fake brother who wanted to join the Army. Talk to your fake wrecker service. Then act give out and stressed to the max. Be extra-nice and thank the hosts for the usage of their phone and they will ask, “How long will you have to wait for your wrecker?” You scuff the ground with your shoe and say, “Well, ‘Joe’ did say he was backed-up, so it might be a couple of hours--maybe three.” The hosts will then ask if you want to join them and their friends for a late-evening barbecue meal and this will get your wife and kids out of the hot car too. Use a lot of tact with this and all these tips. And do not say or do anything that would offend your new friends.
8. THE ‘HITCH-HIKING TO ARIZONA’ ROUTINE - is a sure-thing. Walk up to the front of the people’s house who are having barbecue and stand near the highway and next to their fence. Let them see you get turned down time after time by drivers. Sooner or later, and by you looking over a the fine barbecue party they are having, the host will walk over and ask you where you are heading and you need some help--that is, if he is a compassionate person. Be careful to not waste your time with a self-centered clod who only cares for himself. Tell your host (in a low, humble voice), that you don’t have money for a bus or train ticket and you are allergic to flying, so you are hitch-hiking to Arizona to do some volunteer work for a socially-active group, fake of course, and this will touch the host’s heart and don’t be surprised if he reaches for his wallet, hands you a twenty-dollar bill and then says, “How’s about a good barbecue meal before you travel on, friend?” I've heard of stranger things happening. And to top this off, say, “I will keep this twenty-dollars to give to (FAKE GROUP) and their cause and I sure appreciate this meal. Bless you.” You may see tears welling up in your host and hostess’ eyes.
9. HAVE YOU CHILD INTENTIONALLY - throw his football over your head and over the fence of the people having the barbecue. You, being the gracious neighbor, walk over to the neighbors’ house and first, apologize several times for your son’s lack of judgment and use THIS LINE, it works 99.9% of the time: “I would wager that you would win a lot of awards with THAT steak on that grill, sir!” Ego is man’s weakness. And you have just struck pay dirt with your “new” neighbor who insists on you having one of his “masterpiece” steaks. And for more steaks, ribs, burgers, and dogs, use more compliments and have your wife, son and daughter stand out in your yard and yell, “Dear, are you alright? We were missing you!” The “new” neighbors will laugh and want to invite your family to this barbecue happening. Just do not be too obvious in your handing-out of compliments.
10. ‘BUDDY-UP’ - with someone at the office who has been invited to a barbecue. But do your public-relations, sweet-talking the ‘buddy’ several days in advance, because a spur-of-the-moment ‘buddy-up campaign,’ will NOT work. But maybe a four-day barrage of good deeds, compliments on the co-worker’s weight loss, tie color and choice of girlfriends, may get you to an invite by the coworker who IS a friend of the barbecue hosts.
These, my barbecue fans, are 10 of the most-effective, easy-to-follow tips on how you, or you and your family can receive a free invitation to most barbecues that you choose. But a word of wisdom for you: Do not be disappointed if these tips do not work all at once. Remember the axiom, “Practice makes perfect,” so devote one entire summer to just perfecting your newly-found craft of getting invited to total-strangers’ homes to eat FREE, tasty barbecue.
Now I won’t blame you if you are of a selfish brand and do not share these tasty tips with friends. I don’t think I would if I were in your place and reading this for the first time. It’s comparable to finding gold at Sutter’s Mill during the Gold Rush. So use your own judgment whether or not you want to share these tips with your cronies.
And did you know that you can give these tips as Christmas gifts? Yeah, that’s right. What normal, red-blooded guy would turn down such a priceless list of Easy Tips to get himself invited to “pig out” on juicy T-bone, rib eye and Porter House steaks, franks, burgers and chicken breasts? I cannot think of one guy who wouldn't be thrilled at unwrapping these tips at Christmas time.
What am I getting from all of this? Nothing, but the thrill of making someone who loves barbecue very happy. That’s it in a nutshell. This is my way of serving you and one day, maybe someone will write a story about people who give away valuable information for the benefits of others all for nothing.
All I ask, and it’s only one thing. And you can do this for me too. ENJOY.