ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Festivus Carols

Updated on November 26, 2015
Maren Morgan M-T profile image

Music permeates Maren's soul, whether performing (voice, piano, drum, guitar, clarinet) or acting as a crazily enthusiastic audience member.

The Festivus Pole

The classic beauty of the unadorned aluminum Festivus pole.
The classic beauty of the unadorned aluminum Festivus pole. | Source

Seinfeld Fans Know Festivus

Festivus is a holiday intentionally created by a family whose needs were not met by traditional mainstream winter season Holy fetes. The world learned about Festivus through the television comedy series Seinfeld. Composers have been inspired to write Festivus songs, but sadly, many of these lack the gift for song writing. A few even perform their carols on YouTube, by which we discover their lack of singing talent.

Never one to lack courage, I will put my lyrics out in the public eye. The reader, however, is required to sing these in his or her head, because I am not going to make anyone suffer with an amateur YouTube presentation of my amateur songs.


Festivus Lyrics for "O Christmas Tree"

To the tune of “O Tannenbaum (O Christmas Tree)”


O Festivus! O Festivus! We purists hate a big fuss!

O Festivus! O Festivus! A party for the rest of us!

Let’s air what we don’t like in you

(Your homemade bread is dog doodoo!)

O Festivus! O Festivus! A holiday for just us!


O Festivus! O Festivus! A simple pole is easy!

O Festivus! O Festivus! Real pine trees make me wheezy.

The wrestling moves I use with you

Insure we both exchange the flu.

O Festivus! O Festivus! Maybe you find it teasy.


O Festivus! O Festivus! We don’t hang up a stocking.

O Festivus! O Festivus! The reindeer don’t come knocking.

No carrots wait for them tonight.

All home invaders give me fright.

O Festivus! O Festivus! A holiday for just us!


Festivus Lyrics for "O Holy Night"

To the tune of “O Holy Night”


O Festivus, the twenty-third draws nearer -

It is the night without gifts, without debt.

Pressure to buy and decorate have vanished-

We proudly greet the aluminum pole.

Commercialism ruins winter gath’rings,

Communal joy re-enters every soul.


Wrestle our host - -

Oh, share your every grievance.

Oh ni-ight sublime.

O-oh night of Festivus.

My friends and I are ever

happy that we have you.


O Festivus, the clergy are not needed:

This is a night when the people are strong.

Oh, fill the halls with scents of fragrant meatloaf

And mac ‘n’ cheese, and a plain jello salad.

We don’t buy gifts; we don’t receive or give them –

So we don’t go return them at the mall.


Miracles are - -

Not limited to Christmas.

Oh ni-ight sublime.

O-oh night of Festivus.

My friends and I are ever

happy that we have you.


Festivus lyrics for "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"

To tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”


Festivus is finally here,

Toast the day with wine and beer!

Say goodbye to buying toys.

Presents don’t create our joy.

Festivus eschews a tree.

Our plain pole is tinsel free.


On December twenty-three

Celebrate commercial-free.

No more pressure , no more debt:

Grievances are what we get.

Winter time brings Festivus -

Special for the rest of us.


We, the ninety-nine percent

Don’t have dough to pay the rent.

So, we won’t be wrapping gifts:

Bankruptcy took care of this.

Festivus is finally here,

Toast the day with wine and beer!


Turkey feasts are so passé.

Meatloaf always makes our day.

Festivus brings inner peace with

Wrestling, a sure stress release.

To prolong this holiday

Let the host win ev’ry way.


One may add this compendium to the stack of Festivus carols of dubious value. I don’t care whether you like them. If you do not, I guess that’s the Grievance you can give to me.


Photo and text copyright 2012 Maren E. Morgan.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Maren Morgan M-T profile imageAUTHOR

      Maren Elizabeth Morgan 

      5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Huzzah back at ya, Thundermama!

    • Thundermama profile image

      Catherine Taylor 

      5 years ago from Canada

      Haza! Another Festivus reveler. I got such a chuckle out of these.

    • Maren Morgan M-T profile imageAUTHOR

      Maren Elizabeth Morgan 

      5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Thanks, randomcreative!

    • randomcreative profile image

      Rose Clearfield 

      5 years ago from Milwaukee, Wisconsin

      What a hilarious idea for an article! Thanks for sharing.

    • Maren Morgan M-T profile imageAUTHOR

      Maren Elizabeth Morgan 

      5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Thanks! Re-doing lyrics is one of my special, useless talents. ;-D

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 

      5 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      Funny christmas lyrics and something new to change the humor. Wonderful job

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)