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Festivus Carols

Updated on November 26, 2015
Maren Morgan M-T profile image

Music permeates Maren's soul, whether performing (voice, piano, drum, guitar, clarinet) or acting as a crazily enthusiastic audience member.

The Festivus Pole

The classic beauty of the unadorned aluminum Festivus pole.
The classic beauty of the unadorned aluminum Festivus pole. | Source

Seinfeld Fans Know Festivus

Festivus is a holiday intentionally created by a family whose needs were not met by traditional mainstream winter season Holy fetes. The world learned about Festivus through the television comedy series Seinfeld. Composers have been inspired to write Festivus songs, but sadly, many of these lack the gift for song writing. A few even perform their carols on YouTube, by which we discover their lack of singing talent.

Never one to lack courage, I will put my lyrics out in the public eye. The reader, however, is required to sing these in his or her head, because I am not going to make anyone suffer with an amateur YouTube presentation of my amateur songs.


Festivus Lyrics for "O Christmas Tree"

To the tune of “O Tannenbaum (O Christmas Tree)”


O Festivus! O Festivus! We purists hate a big fuss!

O Festivus! O Festivus! A party for the rest of us!

Let’s air what we don’t like in you

(Your homemade bread is dog doodoo!)

O Festivus! O Festivus! A holiday for just us!


O Festivus! O Festivus! A simple pole is easy!

O Festivus! O Festivus! Real pine trees make me wheezy.

The wrestling moves I use with you

Insure we both exchange the flu.

O Festivus! O Festivus! Maybe you find it teasy.


O Festivus! O Festivus! We don’t hang up a stocking.

O Festivus! O Festivus! The reindeer don’t come knocking.

No carrots wait for them tonight.

All home invaders give me fright.

O Festivus! O Festivus! A holiday for just us!


Festivus Lyrics for "O Holy Night"

To the tune of “O Holy Night”


O Festivus, the twenty-third draws nearer -

It is the night without gifts, without debt.

Pressure to buy and decorate have vanished-

We proudly greet the aluminum pole.

Commercialism ruins winter gath’rings,

Communal joy re-enters every soul.


Wrestle our host - -

Oh, share your every grievance.

Oh ni-ight sublime.

O-oh night of Festivus.

My friends and I are ever

happy that we have you.


O Festivus, the clergy are not needed:

This is a night when the people are strong.

Oh, fill the halls with scents of fragrant meatloaf

And mac ‘n’ cheese, and a plain jello salad.

We don’t buy gifts; we don’t receive or give them –

So we don’t go return them at the mall.


Miracles are - -

Not limited to Christmas.

Oh ni-ight sublime.

O-oh night of Festivus.

My friends and I are ever

happy that we have you.


Festivus lyrics for "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"

To tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”


Festivus is finally here,

Toast the day with wine and beer!

Say goodbye to buying toys.

Presents don’t create our joy.

Festivus eschews a tree.

Our plain pole is tinsel free.


On December twenty-three

Celebrate commercial-free.

No more pressure , no more debt:

Grievances are what we get.

Winter time brings Festivus -

Special for the rest of us.


We, the ninety-nine percent

Don’t have dough to pay the rent.

So, we won’t be wrapping gifts:

Bankruptcy took care of this.

Festivus is finally here,

Toast the day with wine and beer!


Turkey feasts are so passé.

Meatloaf always makes our day.

Festivus brings inner peace with

Wrestling, a sure stress release.

To prolong this holiday

Let the host win ev’ry way.


One may add this compendium to the stack of Festivus carols of dubious value. I don’t care whether you like them. If you do not, I guess that’s the Grievance you can give to me.


Photo and text copyright 2012 Maren E. Morgan.

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    • Maren Morgan M-T profile image
      Author

      Maren Elizabeth Morgan 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Huzzah back at ya, Thundermama!

    • Thundermama profile image

      Catherine Taylor 4 years ago from Canada

      Haza! Another Festivus reveler. I got such a chuckle out of these.

    • Maren Morgan M-T profile image
      Author

      Maren Elizabeth Morgan 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Thanks, randomcreative!

    • randomcreative profile image

      Rose Clearfield 4 years ago from Milwaukee, Wisconsin

      What a hilarious idea for an article! Thanks for sharing.

    • Maren Morgan M-T profile image
      Author

      Maren Elizabeth Morgan 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Thanks! Re-doing lyrics is one of my special, useless talents. ;-D

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 4 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      Funny christmas lyrics and something new to change the humor. Wonderful job