How To Answer The Dreaded, "How Was Your Holiday?" Question
It's the Monday morning after Thanksgiving and no doubt the most asked question of the day will be, "How was your Thanksgiving?" - Don't Get Me Started!
Just in case any of you are wondering, mine was great. My brother and sister-in-law came to town with one of my nieces and two of their dogs. It was a good time had by all. We had so much fun in the kitchen cooking together, laughing together and even just being around one another that the whole thing was swell. Boring, right? Not up to your expectations of a Some Like It Scott Thanksgiving, right? Well, although it may not have wild zany antics of the turkey blowing up or the cranberry sauce sliding off the plate and into an open dog's mouth it was a swell Thanksgiving and I'm thankful for it.
The thing is that when anyone asks me just how my Thanksgiving was, I am loathed to give them the same response everyone else will be giving, "Fine." And as someone who has always pushed the boundaries of life and discourse, being just "fine" is simply not up to my standard. I'll no doubt have to answer it today from people at work to friends who are getting back in touch after a weekend of turkey hangovers so I've decided to prepare some responses I think will be more interesting. Feel free to use them yourself too. I think you'll find these will work for any holiday or other occasions as well so save these and use as needed.
The standard response made better - this is the typical, "I ate too much" type of response but will a little flair added to it.
"Thanksgiving? Who can remember any of it? I ate so much that I'm not sure if it was the tryptophan from the turkey, the six Xanax I took to remain calm or the wine but all I know is that I ended up with a turkey baster in my ass and my Aunt Helen isn't speaking to me. All in all, I'm pretty sure everyone had a good time but boy is my ass sore." This will stop all comers in their tracks. The minute you get to the turkey baster in the ass line, they won't know whether to laugh or be concerned for you and Aunt Helen too. This is exactly where you want them, on the edge of their seat!
The mystery response - this is the response you use when you really don't want anyone to know exactly what happened but you also want to seem as though something exotic, mysterious and above all, interesting happened.
"Oh my God, you don't even want to know. Let's just say that I'm glad to be back to work, does that give you any indication?" This response will cause the person you're talking with to absolutely want to know what happened and although you've all ready stated that they "don't even want to know" they will usually respond with a, "No, I want to know. What happened? Are you okay?" Once again, you have them exactly where you want them. They think you're interesting and they want to know more. Well, just like performing, you always want to leave your audience wanting more so don't give in to letting them get any details out of you. Your response to the above should be, "I really can't go into it, maybe another time when I have enough vodka in my hand to be mistaken for a celebrity on their way to rehab." After delivering this line you should always walk away or change the subject (if you're on the phone). It adds to the air of mystery and it won't be long before someone else in the office will ask you, "Lisa said you had a crazy Thanksgiving. Are you okay? What happened?" Remember, don't answer. Don't be fooled by the second string coming in to ruin the mystery you've just created!
And finally, for the weak of heart or weak of lying, try the boomerang response - this is designed to send the question hurtling back at the person asking you to begin with and if done properly, they'll never even notice that you didn't answer the question.
"Thanksgiving? More importantly, how was yours?" This makes the person you're talking to feel more important than they really are and at the same time they mentally think you answered the question with a standard, "fine" in most cases. Let's face it, there are a lot of people who ask the question not because they really care how your Thanksgiving was but because they feel they should ask you or they want to tell you about their Uncle Bob getting so drunk at their Thanksgiving that they found out they were adopted or born the opposite sex.
Any way you look at it, people are going to either be truly curious about your holiday or they're going to feel compelled to ask you how it was due to one of society's unwritten laws; "ask unto others what you want asked of yourself." If you're like me (never wanting to disappoint your audience) you'll want a better answer than what Chuck in accounting is delivering or the standard, "fine." So I encourage you to be bold this year and even if you choose to use the "boomerang" response, you can take heart in knowing that you didn't just answer with the typical response most expect. Start practicing now so you can move up to the mystery response by Hanukkah, Christmas or Kwanzaa. So how was your Thanksgiving? - Don't Get Me Started!
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- Some Like It Scott!
An acquired taste, like Tab cola, Some Like It Scott is one gay man's experiences with love, life and things that make him crazy, all done to a musical theatre soundtrack.