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Jokes Only Santa Could Love

Updated on December 17, 2013

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. " -George Carlin

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find their dead butt at the pearly white gates, and wait to enter Heaven. St. Peter tells them that upon entering they must present something that denotes the Christmas Spirit.

The first man fiddles in his pocket, and soon finds some Mistletoe - so he is allowed through the gates of Heaven.

The second man finds a cracker, so he is also allowed through the gates of Heaven.

The third man searches and searches but can only find a pair of panties, which he hands to St. Peter.

Confused and blushing at this last gesture and not taking them so quickly, St. Peter finally asks, "How do these things represent Christmas?"

The third man thinks for a moment, then answered with a grin, "They're Carol's."

A certain Christmas ....

.... a very long time ago, Santa was preparing for his usual trip around the world, but there were difficulties popping up everywhere. Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not make the toys as fast.

Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of his schedule. And if that wasn't enough to piss him off, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming over to visit and help. This stressed Santa even more. She doesn't help, but spends all the time gossiping and eating all the cookies.

Then when he attended to the reindeer and their harness, he found that three of them were pregnent and two jumped the fence and were out somewhere - heaven knows where in the tundra.

As he began to load the sleigh; more trouble came appon him. One of several boards cracked, and also the toy bag fell to the floor and broke and scattered the toys all over. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for just a cup of cider with a shot of rum in it.

When he opened the cupboard, he found that the the 'freaken' elves hid the Booze, or already drank it, and there was nothing for him to calm his nerves. Frustration getting the best of him, he accidentally dropped the cider and it crashed to the floor in little pieces. He found a broom to attend to his mess, but saw that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

The doorbell rang
irritating Santa even more, and he trudged at the door grumbeling. He opened the door, and there before him was a little angel with a great big beautiful blue spruce Christmas tree.

"Merry Christmas, Santa," the Angel greeted him. "Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the wonderful heartfelt tradition of sticking the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Santa Claus squeezes down the chimney ....

.... and is startled by a lovely young 'babe' in a robe.
"Santa," she asked, "how about a special present bearded one.

"Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know," he replies.

The lovely hot young thing peels off her robe showing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his huge sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa honey. Can't you stay a little longer? I want to make this Christmas eve totally unforgettable for you."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children don't cha know."

Not wanting to be denied, she immediately strips off the negligee, letting her naughty bits bounce before his eyes. "Santa, this is your last chance. My body is your gift."

Santa can hold back no longer. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my 'antler' this way!"

* A little girl arrives at the local shopping mall, and sits down on Santa's lap. Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,

"No, Barbie only 'comes' with GI Joe!"


*A father asked his son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," he sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And now,  if you're telling me that grown ups don't really have sex, I got nothin left to believe in!"


*Christmas morning a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light, next to him a kid on his shiny new bike. "Nice bike you got there," the cop says to the child. "Did Santa bring that for you this year?"

"Yeah," the young child replies.

"Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike," the cop quips with a smirk.

He proceeds to issue the kid a ten dollar bicycle safety violation citation.

The slowly takes the ticket, but before riding off to tell the parents what happened, says, "Hey mister, that's a nice horse you have. Did Santa bring that?"

"Yeah, he sure did," the cop lied, biting into another donut he brought

"Well, next year ya gotta tell Santa to put the 'dick' underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.

His wife is a relative Clause.

His children are dependent Clauses.

Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.

Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.

Twas the night before Christmas, Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night ...
The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
the assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes- if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids these days, they are all the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent the whole year making wagons and sleds,
assembling dolls... their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's no request for them,
they want computers and robots, they think I'm IBM.
If you think that's bad, just picture this,
try holding these brats with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard
and if I don't smile the parents think that I'm weird.
Flying through the air dodging the trees,
falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my ass and collect unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year and you know the reason.
I found me a blonde and I'm going South for the season.

.... and I Remember Christmas !



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    • johnwindbell profile image

      johnwindbell 4 years ago from - the land of beards and buggies

      *~hey TD thanks for the 'scroll-by comment' and vote. happy to see another hubster not afraid to laugh. Our vibrations are much higher than the Gloomers. The frown pushers of our time. Here, I pass you a grin. Pass it on my son.

      May waves of joy knock you on your ass .... and put sand in your panties~*

    • TurtleDog profile image

      TurtleDog 4 years ago

      Oh I love it! Caught your tweet on this. I never saw such beautiful blasphemy about Santa. Geez, that said, I can't eat after looking at the roll -me-over picture lol. Good stuff... voted up and awesome