It all began on Christmas day. My mother had once again invited all bachelors residing in Prospect Place, hoping to produce a prospective son in law by New Year. I, as usual, arrive just in time to avoid meaningless conversations with egotistical maniacs. My sister looks gorgeous with red lips and a white dress. "Finally! What took you so long, you missed mom's stuffed olives" "well thank god for that. After all this time you'd think mom would stop inviting old idiots to Christmas dinner." "I think deep down all this is for herself. Hey, maybe mom is hornier than we think." I could always count on Amanda for a great laugh. "Hey you! So, how do you like my party?" My mother pulls my skirt then kisses me. "Your Christmas dinner is always fun and exciting mom, especially your awesome stuffed olives!" Actually, i absolutely hate her stuffed olives. They mostly taste like rubber and bad kebab. My mother is an exceptional cook but miniature delicacies aren't her thing. "Well come along girls, there is a living room full of young men for you to meet. " What young men? Those perverts out there are old enough to be our dad." Amanda laughed. Walking in the living room i could feel the stares and could already guess their thoughts. "Single, what's wrong with her? I hope she's still in her twenties" The guy in the black Armani suit who was undoubtedly trying too hard, winked and smiled. Well, beautiful hair, nice eyes and, Oh my god! Gold tooth alert, EWWW!..Euhhhh naa. They were all lined up like they were on a dating show waiting to get picked. I made my way to the fireplace as fast as i could. "Hey there pretty lady!" The voice came from behind; it was warm and charming, sent me shivers all over my body. I then turn to find the top of his head at the level of my stomach. His green sweater is way too tight and his brown pants way too big. "Umm I'm sorry but I think I'm needed in the kitchen." I hurried away without looking back. "Amanda, this is going to be a long, long night" "You're telling me! Aunt Susie promised me a date for tonight. It's some guy she works with at the high school, science teacher. I swear this night cannot get any worse. His conversation is limited to George Lucas and evolution, he won't leave me alone!" She then points towards a skinny, hairless Caucasian man, dressed in a white sweater, accompanied by red jeggings. "Ouch, i think he's trying to hurt someone with those pants." i laughed "Yeah very funny, i saw you flirting with the dwarf by the fireplace!" We both stand behind the kitchen doors, watching everyone as we stuff our faces with dinner rolls. " So what? Are we spending Christmas in the kitchen?" " I can't go out there, my date just drooled in his wine. Ewww, i cannot look, I'm going to my room." She grabs a bag of Doritos and discretely makes her way upstairs. The poor guy looks as if he'd seen a ghost. He carefully puts his glass on the mantle and slowly walks away. "Amanda, Katie! Get your asses out of the kitchen right now, go mingle with the guest." Mom whispered, her head sticking in the double doors. "Where's your sister?" Mom's face quickly changed from happy to angry. "Sudden headache, she went upstairs."
Ok, second outing in the wild; I am physically and mentally tired of this pre-Christmas dinner mingling catastrophe. They all look like animals in heat. Their eyes are searching for the unknown, glued on every female in my mother's small living room. Uncle Mosley is chatting up a young girl near the pantry; she looks terrified, poor thing. Ooh la la! I think vogue's cover model just walked in. His hands are in his pockets, very classy. He is tall and has the most beautiful smile. He grabs a drink from my mother and takes a spot next to aunt Susie. Quick look towards Amanda who had somehow reappeared in the small hallway by the kitchen. She already noticed and is biting her lip. I make my way back to the fireplace which is situated in the middle of it all; have perfect view of my next husband. His movements are all in slow motion. There they are! His eyes are slowly taking off my clothes. He's now looking at the anorexic girl talking to my uncle. Ok he needs to look at me again. I quickly brush my hair with my fingers, trying to smooth out the naps. I really should’ve gotten my relaxer yesterday. I try different poses to get his attention. There it is! Ok his stare is a little intimidating, look away, look away! Oh crap he's making his way over here. I grab an abandoned glass of wine, and take a big sip hoping it doesn't belong to the guy with the red tights,pants or whatever they are. OH MY GOD he really is making his way here. My heart is getting too heavy for my chest, i can't swallow, my body has no movement. My brain is no longer attached to my head. " Hi, i'm Clay." I swear his teeth sparkled when he said that. "Emu…sorry i'm Katie" Breathe Katie, breathe! His eyes are hazel, his lips, full and pink. I keep looking at his beautifully crafted face, searching for i don't know what. The silence is overbearing, and the connection, intense. Next thing you know we find ourselves in the kitchen breaking every rose dishes on my mother's table. The turkey flew off its plate, finding itself in the corner by the fridge. He grabs my ass and i can feel him getting bigger as he gets closer to my thighs. He pulls my shirt down exposing my chest. "I never thought this would happen tonight!" I exclaim in ecstasy. He immediately grabs my lips with his. I am in heaven! I have the most gorgeous man between my thighs, kissing my neck and touching me where it counts. All of a sudden, I hear a loud scream. I was shocked by his facial expression and high pitched voice. My left cheek is now burning. "What the Hell!" I yell. I open my eyes in time to catch his hand across my face. “Hey, what the hell is going on man?" I ask confused and irritated. "Whatever you do, don't move!" "What?" I reply still holding my left cheek in pain. He grabs a pan and holds it like a tennis racquet and starts to aim for my head. “What the …? Clay please put this down, I'm not sure what you're into, but I can tell you i'm definitely not!" I slide off the table and put my shirt back on. We are now going right and left, eyes locked on each other. "Hah! " he screams " What the…?" I was getting angry. His pants are still around his ankles as he wavers side to side. Next thing i know, my so-called classy, and beautiful future husband jumps on me, pinning me to the floor. We roll around, pulling each other's hair. He rips my shirt and violently slaps my neck. I scratch him as hard as I can. He grinds his teeth and grunts. I punch his nose with rage. And as he pushes my face to the right, i see a black widow hastily making its way to the cupboards. "Oh my God! There's a big black spider over there!" I scream out in pain. “I know, I’ve been trying to catch it this whole time!" He says panting and equally hurting. "What the hell is going on in here?" My mother's voice was calm and clear but interrogating. We both turn to find the double doors wide open. Everyone is staring at us. I can see the humor on their faces. "Umm, there's a black widow... in the kitchen" I manage to say with Clay still on top of me. " I'd say so!" Laughed my aunt.