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My Impossible Christmas Wish

Updated on December 10, 2013
My Impossible Christmas Wish
My Impossible Christmas Wish | Source

Christmas is the most popular time of the year for impossible wishes, next to New Year’s Eve, of course, when people are making resolutions to lose weight, stop drinking, or even get off the couch and do something about the hopes and dreams they’ve had all year long.

As the holidays approach, people are reminded of the reason for the season, and they think of family, being loved and cherished, curling up in a warm house in front of the fireplace, and enjoying the feeling of others around them.

Because of this, Christmastime usually brings feelings of longing, the need for others, and with the cold weather, the need for safety and shelter.

Although some people are making wishes for new cars, new toys and diamond rings, others are wishing for food to put on the table for their children, a warm home for their families, and sometimes just the basic necessities.

I call them impossible wishes not because I truly think they are impossible, but only because they feel that way to the wishers.

…a lonely child wishing for a family she thinks will never come.

…a woman wishing that one day she will find someone to love her that seems unlikely.

…a man that wishes he could support his family without worrying about money every day.

…even a little one wishing for a furry friend to keep him company.

Just about everyone has something that they wish for that seems impossible. Sometimes what seems so simple to each of us really feels so far away.

I’ve Been Here Before and Understand

I remember being a child, alone in an unhappy home separated by lots of anger and resentment. I wished every year, more than anything in the world, for a family that loved me.

Someone that would want to have me around, would be there no matter what, and would never leave me. I always knew that I wanted a family, but at that moment, just one person in my life would be enough.

I now have more people in my life that love me than I know what to do with.

I remember as I got older wishing I could get away. I wanted my own life, one that made sense, and one in which I wouldn’t have to succumb to others screaming, yelling, and not bothering to understand.

I wanted my independence. However, I was told that it would never happen. I wasn’t good enough and I never would be.

At 23 years old, not only did I buy my first home (by myself), but I also started my first career as a first grade teacher. I did it and it was wonderful!

So I had a home, an education, and a career. As 25, 26, and 27 crept by, I wanted a husband and a family. I was ready, I had everything I needed, and I couldn’t imagine why I was the only one of my friends that didn’t have someone.

Little did I know that 5 years later I would be married, living in a different state, and staying home writing for a career.

If I have learned anything, now being in my mid-thirties, it’s that you should never give up on your dreams. If you want them bad enough, they will come, but usually not in the way you expect them to come.

My Impossible Christmas Wish
My Impossible Christmas Wish | Source

My Impossible Wish

My wish can't possibly be put into a box and wrapped with ribbon. What I want can't be purchased from a store.

My impossible wish now is for a baby. It sounds silly, I know.

I’ve wanted children all my life. I never had any brothers or sisters, never had any family to spend the holidays with, and never really had any friends growing up, but I knew that I wanted a big family one day.

I have longed for a little body in my arms that I could call my own for as long as I could remember, and recall being up late some nights crying because I never thought it would happen.

My husband and I have now been married for about a year and a half and still have not received any good news on the baby front.

For those of you trying to conceive (TTC), that’s 18 months of trying, waiting, and being disappointed when we don’t get the news we’re looking for.

That’s also a handful of miscarriages for the two of us. It’s almost normal now.

Of course we would love to get pregnant naturally, in God’s timing, a little one any way were blessed, would be the best Christmas present in the world.

I want a reason to finally set up our nursery, a reason to change diapers and sterilize bottles every day, and a reason to stay up late and get up early and hold a baby in my arms.

I’m Grateful For What I Have

Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO thankful for everything that we have. We may not have all the money in the world, but I love our lives.

I have an amazingly incredible husband that loves me as much as I love him. I have a beautiful home and nice warm bed to sleep in every night.

We even have food on the table and an incredible set of landlords that are the sweetest people on the face of the Earth.

And I have my family. My husband has three sets of grandparents, both of his parents, and 12 siblings, many of whom are married and have their own children. I couldn’t be more blessed.

To tell you the truth, I even have my own beautiful children; a gorgeous chocolate lab named Bruin, a precious yellow lab named Cody, our two kitties, a turtle, a fish, and several frogs. I am definitely not alone here at the house.

My two dogs were the best decision we ever made. I can’t tell you enough how much love they bring to our household. If you want to feel loved unconditionally, adopt a puppy. They are worth every penny and every moment.

And when I start feeling sorry for myself, I consider the fact that not only do I have everything in the world that I could have ever wanted (considering my precious pets as my children), but I get to stay home and write full-time. What more could I ask for?

My Impossible Christmas Wish
My Impossible Christmas Wish | Source

The Downside to My Wish

It’s hard not to think about all of those people that have children and don’t want them. It’s difficult to consider how easy it is to get pregnant when you’re not old enough to be ready, but how hard it is when you are.

It seems like the moment a baby seems the farthest, you seem to see brand-new babies and pregnant women everywhere.

And it’s painful to wonder if it’s not meant to be, if we are too old, or if it will never happen. But I try not to focus on those things.

If I considered all of the things that I don’t have that everyone else does, I would go crazy.

I try and focus on how wonderful life truly is right now. I babysit for those families desperately in need of someone in need of someone they can trust with their children, and I think about how wonderful it will be when the timing is right and our wish does come true.

I know it will happen.

My Impossible Christmas Wish
My Impossible Christmas Wish | Source

What is it that you are wishing for? If you really think deep down in your heart, and make that wish that you feel like is impossible, what is it that’s on your mind?

Is it a child to call your own?

A job so that you can support your family?

A home of your own to decorate for Christmas?

A family that loves you?

Food on the table?

I promise it’s not impossible. Even though my dream of having a child of my own seems so far away right now, I know truly that he or she will make an appearance in our lives at just the right time.

I challenge you not to live like you won’t be happy without that wish you are looking for. Life is what you make it and happiness is appreciating all of the wonderful things you do have in life.

Make a plan, work towards it a little at a time, even if it doesn’t seem possible, and never give up.

What’s our plan you ask?

We haven’t given up. We aren’t dwelling on it, making ourselves miserable about it, or even arguing about it. We know that it will happen when it’s supposed to.

Although we want to have a baby on our own, we have looked into fostering, considered adopting, and have even thought about all of those young girls that are looking for a family for their unplanned little ones. We are up for anything.

Maybe an angel will deliver us a special bundle sometime soon. That’s my impossible Christmas wish.

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© 2013 Victoria Van Ness

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    • VVanNess profile image
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      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      I want really sure if that was the problem. We didn't have health insurance and the gyno I was seeing wasn't helping any. We just assumed that was what was happening. :)

      I definitely suggest charting for everyone! Thank you so much for your comments!

    • profile image

      Kellie Asher 3 years ago

      My sister announced she is pregnant. It made me think of you and how you two were going thought the same thing months ago. And now to find out your pregnant too. It makes my eyes fill with water just thinking of it. Your due in Oct and she is due in Sep. How exciting! I read how you did charting to help you get pregnant. Did that help with your egg not attaching? Your charting article didn't mention your problem with your fertilized egg not attaching. Maybe you might add that part in if charting really did help your egg implant just so it might end up helping other women with the same issuer, or sisters trying to help. ;)

    • VVanNess profile image
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      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Well, we've be trying for a year and a half now, and the first year we were having one every month to every other month or so. Nothing truly dramatic like 3 months or 6 months along.

      I'm just having trouble with the egg attaching. So I'm pregnant and then I'm not. My period is one to two weeks late, and I'm feeling all of the typical pregnancy symptoms, usually with nausea accompanying, and then suddenly I'm not anymore.

      What's terrible is that I know I'm pregnant and I'm trying to be super careful with my movements and my stress, and then I know the exact moment that I lose it. Just yesterday we lost another one. It's beginning to be a regular experience around here.

      I just try to live like normal, continuing to take care of my body and my stress levels, of course, and keep moving forward so it's not so emotionally painful every time.

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment. :)

    • profile image

      Kellie Asher 3 years ago

      What a heartfelt hub! If you don't mind me asking, how many miscarriages have you had? Mys sister is going through the same thing. Thinking of you both!

    • VVanNess profile image
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      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thank you! You too! This is a first for me; a chance that I never had. I'm doing everything I can to appreciate the wonderful gifts I now have. I've waited for them for a really long time. :)

      Merry Christmas!

    • amiebutchko profile image

      Amie Butchko 3 years ago from Warwick, NY

      Thank you so much, VVanNess. I am very glad you have a nice MIL! You sound very happy with the people in your life, surrounding you with love. Enjoy them all this Christmas!!!!

    • VVanNess profile image
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      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thank you! I know most individuals have impossible Christmas wishes that involve mother-in-laws. lol

      I was so lucky as to have hit the jackpot in mother-in-laws. I have the most wonderful, fantastic, fabulous, and incredible MIL that anyone could ask for! Good luck this holiday. I will pray for a Christmas miracle for you this year. :)

    • amiebutchko profile image

      Amie Butchko 3 years ago from Warwick, NY

      I do, but it is not a very nice one and has to do with my mother in law who is coming for Christmas! Hee, hee. Better keep that one quiet. But VVanNess, all things will happen with God's time. I am sure everything will work out beautifully in the end. It is hard to believe it before it happens! But it really can and will!!!!!! You will be a great mom, I know!

    • VVanNess profile image
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      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thank you!! Your comment brought tears to my eyes. :) Thank you so much for the wonderful prayers, thoughts, and sentiment. My husband keeps reminding me that all will happen in God's timing, and we wouldn't want it to happen otherwise.

      I am honored to be in your prayers. Do you have an "impossible" Christmas wish? :)

    • amiebutchko profile image

      Amie Butchko 3 years ago from Warwick, NY

      Oh VVanNess, what a beautiful, open, loving, warm and hopeful piece to honor the holidays. I have tears in my eyes, as you touched upon so many truths and let me tell you, you are so lovable, it is no wonder you have so many blessings in your life now. They are all deserved. Maybe you just need a little more time to accomplish this piece of your puzzle. I don't know if you are religious, but I am adding you to my list of prayers at night. St. Jude is the saint for "impossible causes," as you said; not impossible, just seeming to those wanting them. It is hard to imagine a baby before you get one. I know it will happen, too. God bless.