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My "Things I 'Don't' Want For Christmas" List

Updated on May 22, 2020

The things on My "Things I 'Don't' Want For Christmas" List Would Make Any Santa Frustrated and Angry

This artwork represents "me" if I get any of the things listed in this story.
This artwork represents "me" if I get any of the things listed in this story. | Source

For 58 years I have firmly believed in Santa Claus.

For 58 years I have stood firmly against any and all “new-age,” “super-sensitive,” group or groups who have nerve enough to to tell me that Santa is only a myth.

These things will not change for me as my life evolves. I promise.

In those 58 years I, like you, have received many, many Christmas gifts that I both loved, disliked and sometimes didn’t know what the gift was, but I never made waves.

I’ve always wanted Christmas time to be a time of peace for me personally as well as my family in relation to each other and to the world around us.

This story, listen carefully, is not an indictment on Christmas or Christmas gift-giving.

Quite the contrary.

This is a personal list of things that I do not want this Christmas or in any future Christmas holiday celebrations.

Not that I am a fan of Scrooge, but I think that for me, enough is enough. This has nothing to do with Santa and it sure doesn’t have anything to do with giving gifts.

It “does” have plenty to do with giving me gifts that “I” do not like and by giving me such gifts, I am forced to be a hypocrite and do some fancy acting when opening these gifts of my dislike.

I am sorry. I do not want to come off sounding like a “stick in the mud,” but I have reached my limit.

This story is aptly-named . . .My “Things I Don’t Want For Christmas” List.

So if any of you were planning to send me a Christmas gift this year, read this list first. It might prove helpful.

Please, do not give me . . .

Any CD, cassette or DVD by Taylor Swift, Blake Shelton, Little Big Town, or Brad Paisley. These “singers” are as much Country Music as “I” am a first-cousin to Donald Trump.

Any insurance policies from GEICO. I have had my limit of the green gekko. I cringe when I hear his accent. Give me “The Messenger,” from Progressive any day. Besides, he is a man, not a reptile. And I like his sunglasses and leather coat.

Any DVD’s promoting any scenes from the Mitt Romney presidential campaign. Can you say “Snake Oil Salesman?”

Any DVD’s of current (or past episodes of) Two and A Half Men with Ashton Cutcher. Enough already. Either bring back Charlie Sheen, or kiss my sponsor-generated dollars a juicy “good-bye.”

Any DVD’s of most televangelists who are raking-in more bucks each year than our own I.R.S. by telling me that if I send them $100.00, God will heal my body and save my soul. Never knew that God was now in need of an agent.

Any so-called “harmless” lawsuits by the ACLU. I have as much respect for these “snakes in the grass” as Karl Marx which is none at all.

Anymore United States Congress approving “any” president to invade “any” country in the Middle East or far Orient. I think we have sacrificed way too many of our young men and women on the battlefield and it’s time to stop asinine wars.

Any memories of the “Occupy Wall Street” protests. All we got from that was some quality entertainment reminiscent of the “hippy movement of the 60’s”

Any Wall Street Bail-Outs by “any” president in office. Next time, bail some of our over-taxed middle class out of their cruel debts that the upper-class “super rich” helped place on them.

Any article of clothing that is made by child labor in some God-forsaken country that is not even on the globe. And the kids literally “slave” 18-hours a day for 25 cents. And all this time, I thought that slavery was abolished in 1865. Fact is, I’d rather be cold in the winter time than know that I was wearing a garment made in such horrible conditions.

Any so-called “new” shows with Conan O’Brien. Him being on TBS is more than enough.

Any friendly phamplets and infommercials by the N.R.A. (National Rifle Association) preaching to me that “I” need to vote for non-regulations of assault weapons. And while I’m at it. Why do “I” need an M-16 or AK-47 in my home anyway? I am as American as the next guy, and I do believe in the “right to keep and bear arms,” but “only” to protect my family and I from lawless invaders who pose a danger to our lives.

Any “tolerant,” “sensitive,” sitcoms or PBS programming that lessens the severity of violent gangs in our bigger cities, killing at will and killing our youth by deadly drugs.

Anymore wasteful-spending of billions of our dollars exploring Mars and other planets that we won’t live long enough to inhabit. Why not spend those billions on our homeless, jobless and give a quality education to everyone?

Any stories or documentaries about how “we” as a country should cut-back our dependence on foreign oil and yet do nothing to help cut our umbilicle cord from the Middle East by funding sensible energy-alternatives.

Any “talking-head” politicians who are super-wealthy telling “us” that “we” need to learn how to “make it” on minimum wage. How deplorable. I would give $100.00 cash to see (a) Mitt Romney, Harry Reid, or any United States Senator or Congressman do just that. “make it” on minium wage.

Any clothing that was tested by killing innocent animals. That means no fur coats for my misses or girlfriend if I had one. Hasn’t Mother Nature been gutted enough?

Any item or items on television advertised for three easy payments of $19.95 and “not available in stores,” for “I” have fell victim to this scam so much that I am ashamed to be considered a consumer.

Any super-sensitive groups who paralyze an entire town putting men and women out of work for the fear that their cause, the “Double Beaked, Red-Breasted, Brown-Tailed Squatter Raven” will become extinct. Let me ask this. Why now? Why didn’t your group pop-up years ago when there were plenty of birds such as this one?

“Please,” no more 60’s Rock and Roll Reunions. I lived, rather survived the “turbulent 60’s” and I am too old to go back down that blurred road again.

Any gifts of any type of alcohol with no warning labels on the package. If tobacco companies have to put “warnings” on their packs, then let’s level the playing field by making the powerful booze-manufacturers do the same.

Any frivolous grounds for lawsuits such as suing a company for the color of the logo being so colorful. Get real, America. I think these flimsy lawsuits only make one group of people wealthy and it’s not the plaintiff, but the trial lawyers.

Any orders from anyone, Federal or otherwise, telling “me” that if I even breathe the word: “Jesus,” in public or on my own property, someone else’s faith will be offended, but are quick to also tell “me” to have “respect” for all people who worship things referred to as their “gods.” I confess. Before I wrote this story, I not only openly-prayed over the contents, but spoke the name of “Jesus” about 50 times. So sue me. Or arrest me. It doesn’t matter. And it won’t make me change in the least.

And “please,” no . . .

Socks, underwear and weird-colored shirts, but I seldom wear them. You can be the judge of which one I mean.

Pets that are high-maintenance, crying all hours of the night and eating like there was no tomorrow.

“collector’s item” DVD’s of The Civil War, World War(s) I and II, Korean Conflict and the Vietnam War. To use my favorite term: Enough is enough. We have enough harsh realities to deal with in daily life without having to add-on even more bloody, depressing memories of events in our lives that we sometimes have a struggle to just forget.

Food items such as canned ham from Denmark, processed Polish sausage and a collection of cheeses from Portugal. I only eat what I trust.

Water Gate exposes’ to match the mysteriously-strange and current “findings” of yet another conspiracy group thinking that highly-paid aliens from Jupiter assassinated J.F.K. My pocket book and what’s left of my sanity cannot cope with much more.

But, if you really want to give me a gift for Christmas, I will be more than glad to take . . .

A fresh cup of coffee in the early morning and share that entire day with a genuine friend A loyal dog or cat who will love me despite all of my human flaws that are so evident to me in my mirror.

A day without killing, in any form. War, murder due to a drug deal gone bad, spousal or child abuse or self-induced death. Just one day of life, sweet life for everyone.

A smile instead of a frown.

A word of wisdom instead of ridicule.

A patient ear if I need to confide.

And I would be overjoyed if you . . .

sent the cost of my Christmas present, no matter the price, to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital in Memphis or some homeless shelter near you.

Stopped to tell a friend or family member far away that, “you are appreciated.”

And before Christmas day passes into the shadows, give our Maker thanks that you and I live in such a great country as our United States of America.


Oh and . . .

Merry Christmas to you and yours and a New Year filled with peace, love, sanity and loads of freedom.


These Pretty Girls Know How "I" Feel At Getting Certain Things "I" Don't Like On Christmas Morning


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