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Police in the South: New Years Eve

Updated on December 31, 2009

Titties and Beer!

New years, a night usually set aside for parties and fun. One could be made to believe any rational thinking person would make some arrangements to get home safely if they found themselves having had too much fun. It is a fact, and common knowledge that Cops are out in full force to deter party goers from getting behind the wheel while intoxicated. Somehow, no matter how many times a mean mugged State Trooper appears on the T.V telling you, "If you drive drunk, you will go to jail!", the inevitable hordes of drunken loons hit the road. When I say loon, I mean loon in the most positive way.

I, however, was minding my own business (sic) awaiting the end of my mandatory "New Years Blitz" shift when the incident I am writing about occurred. The details are vivid and absolutely the truth. If you are easily offended by racial or sexual references (Described accurately using as much tact as can be used) you should click the x located in the top, right hand corner of your screen.

While the crime committed is not funny, the characters who committed them are. This story must be told unedited in its entirety to hold the same comic value as the actual scene and aftermath held.

(Disclaimer) To those of you who are bed wetters and "Hate" Cops because we have fun while doing our job to the best of our ability, even though it involves other people "Just having fun", shut up! If you don't do your best while you are at work, then you in fact are lazy, suck, and I hate you. Furthermore, I never come to your job, at the fast food place, to give you fine pointers on how you should be doing your job, nor do I tell you, " Bubba always puts the salt on my fries a different way, he's a good fry cook he knows what he's doing".

I don't care who your Uncle is, or who you know, the only person who has a say in how my cases are adjudicated is the Judge.

To those who are offended, I do not apologize, these are facts, not jabs or puns. I can't apologize for some other persons idiocy, shortcomings, or lack of smart decision making.

With an open mind kick back, have a beer, and enjoy the classic southern idiot and his "Old Lady" as we meet in another edition of " Police in the South".

This particular New Years was a cold one, cold by deep south standards. The stray dogs around the Department who, out of pity we kept fed, were freezing and looking at us with pitiful eyes, but all we could do is give them another bowl of dry dog food someone bought for them because they were starving, and water. All the Officers who would be working, including me, met at the Department around 8 PM to discuss the plan of action and the nights assigned areas to best cover our jurisdiction. We joked around, making the standard police officers wagers on who would write the most tickets and bring in the most drunks and dope. After all the giggling and back slapping ceased, we got our assignments from the Chief.

As it turns out, the Chief and I were together in our area. Our first assignment of the night was to set up drivers license checkpoints at various places for a short time then move to another location. We were to stay on the move as much as possible to trip up the cell phone users who think they are wise by calling ahead to friends and cohorts.

We stood out in the cold, checking driver after driver. For a change everyone we checked seemed to be doing things the right way, they all had a drivers license and sober as judges. After 2 hours of no action and complete boredom, with frozen faces and icy toes, we decided to go warm up with a big cup of hot coffee from McDonald's. It seemed our lofty expectations for the hordes of drunks wasn't coming into fruition. After all these years perhaps the mean mug Trooper's message had finally worked.

We walked into the McDonald's to get our coffee, listening on the police radio to the other guys having a good time in other parts of the city, arresting drunks, finding wanted people arresting them and shipping them off. The only thing he and I could do, is do what any good team does. Make some adjustments, stay focused and do what we do best.....find them before they find us.

We hit the streets, no stationary games this round. Patrols were very heavy. We stopped cars for any valid violation looking for signals and indicators of intoxication from the drivers. Around midnight, my partner struck gold, he reeled in a drunk, got him booked in and hit the streets again, but not before letting me know I was now being skunked by an entire force of police.

By this time the new year had come and I was still batting zero. I almost gave in to apathy. Sulking, pride whittled to a nub, wondering why I was in a slump, then a thought hit me like an angry drunken red-neck hitting his ugly wife. The spot! I could go to my favorite spot and try my luck there.

As I parked in my favorite spot, where I fill my mythical monthly quota some of you people seem to be convinced police officers have, I began to scrutinize every vehicle and its movement. My spot is a great one, I can see vehicles coming from a good distance, they can see me as well but have nowhere to turn off before passing by my location. Akin to the spiders web. Though I am a fair man, I keep my headlights and tail lamps on at all times, this gives my prey a sporting chance. Can't just shoot fish in a barrel, that would be mean.

A few minutes had passed when my luck began to change, I noticed a vehicle which had a violation. I pursued it and stopped it. The driver had no license, and the passenger had no identification and was being deceptive about who he was. My partner showed up on the scene and immediately recognized the guy from past dealings with him in a different jurisdiction. Sure enough, checking his real name we found he had warrants and was arrested. After he was placed under arrest, he was searched. That's when I found his crack pipe. Luckily for him, he had smoked all of his crack cocaine. He was jailed on misdemeanor charges and the driver was cited and his vehicle impounded. They weren't drunks, but at least it was something and the streets were a little safer and the pressure to perform was lessened.

I returned to my spot awaiting the next chance for redemption. At the same time the other guys are continuing with their good fortunes and filling the jail. I hate to lose, even if this was a tongue in cheek game we were playing, but a challenge had been issued and by God I want to win. I also believe in quality, not quantity. I like for my encounters to be memorable. For some reason, memorable criminals come to me like a magnet. I enjoy these encounters and make the best of them by going with the flow and adding a little improvisation along the way.

As I sat in my spot listening to the radio, watching the traffic flow by at a normal rate, I observed a small car making erratic movements. As the car went by me I realized it was going from the right lane to the left lane in an "S" pattern. I pulled my car out into the road to catch up with the car. When I got close enough I called to dispatch with the tag number. During this time the car kept up the huge swerving from lane to lane. Dispatch returned the requested information, then I turned on my blue lights to stop the car.

I have found, through my years of experience, an intoxicated driver will abruptly stop as soon as their vehicle is on the shoulder. This is one of the indicators I mentioned earlier. My blue lights were lighting up the night as the vehicle pulled over, the driver made a sudden stop. I stopped right behind them. I grabbed my flashlight and quickly got out of my car. When they have open alcohol inside the vehicle, drunks will try to meet the Officer at the rear of the vehicle in a lame attempt to keep probing eyes away. A terrible tactic for them, but they are drunk what can you expect? This guy wasn't what I call a "Getter Outter", He stayed in his seat and his girlfriend stayed in her seat. At this point the story begins to spiral out of the realm of reality.

Feeling better about the situation, I began to approach the vehicle. I knew my back-up was less than a half mile down the road. Using caution, I slowly walked towards the drivers window, using my lights to disorient their vision making my exact location more difficult to distinguish. As I was nearing the window I began to hear them talking, I couldn't understand the words, but the speech was slurred. Another of the indicators I have mentioned.

I approached the window pointing my flashlight in the drivers eyes for a brief moment, solely to hamper his vision. I spoke to him using the salutation that I use at every traffic stop, How's it going?" the driver replies, "I ain't got no license, but my old lady does." My mouth began to bend into a smile, I knew I had a quality drunk sitting in front of me.

For the sake of brevity, and to protect the innocent if there were any of those people, the names of these two will be Jack and Jill.

I said to Jack, "Why in the world are you driving if you don't have a license. Do you have an I.D?" That's when Jill made her first statement of the night, which got my attention causing me to look across Jack, who comes in at six foot three and 300 lbs., over to the passenger compartment. Jill is fumbling through her purse looking for her license. Jill had no idea, due to the severity of her intoxication, her left breast was completely out of its holder and cover, dangling in the cold New Years air. Yep, very cold air, like Forrest Gump said, "That's all I got to say about that."

Jill, continuing to dig through her purse began to tell me of their reasons for driving in their condition. In my mind, I am losing control of my giggle switches because this huge breast is staring at me and I'm the only one in the audience who sees it. With her next statement, I could not be the only witness and decided to call in my partner.

I failed to mention, because it does not matter and is irrelevant to anything in the world except for what Jill said next. My partner for the evening and Chief of Police happens to be a black man. He is as country as a bowl of grits, a man with a great a sense of humor and likes to have fun while we enjoy our work. I could not resist having him be my witness.

Using terribly slurred speech Jill says," When we were at the bar, some niggers were messing with me so Jack is driving us home." I nearly cackled out loud at this ridiculous statement, I couldn't respond, I had no words. I took 3 steps back, pulled out my radio calling for my partner to come assist.

When he got there, he had his game face on, he asked, "What you got?" Using all my powers of keeping a serious face, I told him what she said. Then I mentioned he may want to go talk to her while I get Jack out for the sobriety tests. I forgot to mention the booby. I stood back watching him walk up to her on the passenger side. He began talking to her not noticing the breast hanging out for a few seconds. He finally noticed, his eyes got big, he shot a quick look at me as if to say, "Have you seen this?". I lost it, I was giggling like a girl. Tears were coming out of my eyes, I thought i was going to explode.

"Gooooooodness, Jill, you need to put your shirt on." He told her, blushing. Jill began to look (Fumbling) for her sweater, it was in the back seat. While that was going on I was getting Jack out amidst my giggling. Jack was too drunk for tests, he was secured and allowed to sit in my patrol car while Jill was being dealt with. About that time an Officer from a neighboring city pulled onto the scene.

Jill had managed to get herself covered. We were just starting to discuss how to get Jill out of there since Jack was under arrest. Jill decided she was ready to go. She reached over and cranked the car. We made a quick, easy decision. She would go to jail with Jack. We got her out of the vehicle. She was sloppy drunk, having trouble standing. Since she wasn't resisting or out of control we were just going to lead her to the patrol car and let her get in then take her to the jail to sleep it off, safe in a cell. Jill had different plans, she began to unsnap her pants to take them down. Chief says,"Whoa, whoa whoa, What are you doing?" Jill, now becoming agitated screams, "I need to pee!"

The giggles hit me again. Jill was cuffed and put into Chiefs patrol car. Since Jack and Jill were both going to jail the vehicle was being impounded. I had to wait at the scene for the tow truck to arrive. Which meant the Chief would need to transport Jill. When he realized this he asked the other officer,"Would you follow me to the P.D,, I can see it in the news tomorrow, "Black Police Chief takes Naked White Woman to Jail". Again, I'm giggling.

They made it to the P.D without incident. I waited for the tow truck, then departed. At the jail, Jill became more irate. The crying started and makeup ran, she looked like a raccoon. She laid in the nasty, old jail floor for hours telling us about her civil rights and how we would be sued,  literally screaming and cursing at the bag of dog food we kept for the stray dogs.

A few more arrests were made that night, but nothing as memorable as that one.


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