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Predictions for the Year 2017
At least it worked. The dream of many to alter the shape of aging in humankind by performing mind stimulating exercises as they aged past 40, came to fruition at last. And like clockwork, as these individuals achieved the age of sixty, they became for all intents and purposes, catatonic and senile. Their attempts to stimulate their brains had worked all too well. At the age of 60 the universal “Uh” set in. For those who had played the brain training games a decade or more, a sequence of catastrophic neural events left them unable to think the next thought. They were permanently in state of “uh” wherein they could not think of the one and only one next word because every word that could possibly serve demanded equal attention and therefore no words came out. Their brains were just one prolonged burst of static not because they weren’t thinking but because they were thinking too fast about too many things and their brains weren’t equipped to handle it.
The catatonic masses did reach another dream of mankind. They had the universal mind. They drooled and soiled themselves simultaneously without fail.
Decades a later a cure was found. A researcher found a way to administer something like an EMP burst to the human mind. For an instant, all neural activity ceased and the mind rebooted and the person became normal. Unfortunately, the people who were brought back this way came back angry. Since their brains had been very much alive while their bodies were catatonic, they could never have been declared brain dead. And so they were kept in alive in a catatonic state for decades. Unfortunately, that much brain stimulation hurt. In fact, it hurt worse than anything humankind had ever suffered. The returnees killed everyone who had kept them alive. Whole hospitals were slaughtered. They snuffed all their relatives too. And like zombies, they traveled the land in search of brains. They delivered the neural EMP to others who were catatonic and the killing spree swept the nation. After a while the federal government nuked all the hospitals and the problem was solved.
America football is finally banned. In the future, former NFL football players will sue because of concussions, knee injuries, internal organ injuries, and injuries to hands and feet. And they will win billions. At some point, no amount of waivers or insurance will be enough. The liability will be too great. American football will be banned from all playgrounds and NFL football will be banned as well.
What Won't Happen
A little twist on prognosticating: Try to predict what WON'T happen in the next year.
Get Off My Lawn!
The impossible happened. Octogenarians marched on Washington DC! They did not march for bigger social security checks or more Medicare. They marched when it was disclosed that the government had bugged all hearing aids, pacemakers, dentures, colostomy bags, catheters and every other medical device principally used by the elderly. Oldsters were very angry that it seemed that the government did not trust them and had singled them out for spying and humiliation. The senior set did not care for having their intimate medical conditions exposed at the government groping stations run by the TSA either. Since the democrats were in charge they were thrown out at the next election. The republicans dodged a bullet on that one since they certainly would not have stopped the spy programs. All politicians believe that government should spy on the citizens. No one runs for high office unless he wants to control the lives of his neighbors.
As much as you could ever want.
And so there was this dictator who was short, fat and ugly. He wished he was tall, thin and handsome and so he got some of his scientists together to try to create a pill or a process that would change him.
Sensing that the handsome pill might never arise, the dictator got a different group of scientists to work in an entirely different direction. He wanted them to make a spray that would make him irresistible to women. They finished a prototype of the spray in 6 months. They did not tell the dictator that they had it for one year. They smuggled out samples for millions of dollars. Unfortunately the spray had some side effects. The wealthy men who sprayed it upon themselves sent women around them into a mating frenzy. An endless mating frenzy. The women tried to mate with wealthy corpses for weeks until authorities pulled them off. That’s when the trouble began. The urge in women to mate was spread by contact and men were carriers. Men were being routinely crushed in public by the weight of all the women trying to mate with them.
Some of the compounds in the serum were unstable and the serum itself was derived from plant and animal pheromones. Next thing you know female dogs, cows and every other female animal was trying to mate with human males until the human males died and even after the human males died. The world ended when the trees, driven mad by the mutating concoction became mobile. Trees walked the earth and attempted to mate with human males until all the human males died.
Brave New Future scenarioes
New Social Trends
Rouge, poison comet hits the earth
Fountain of youth
Three person marriages: Bi guy or girl with same sex and opposite
Gray goo nano tech virus
Cure for all diseases
Four person marriages
Whoops, global cooling kills everything
Food that does not make you fat
Offering your body to be electronically controlled by another person
In Pork We Trust
The long awaited Aporkalypse, predicted by many, feared by few, happened at last. There was a rush on bacon. A food growing collective called The People’s Republic of Pork came to the rescue. Their motto was: In Pork We Trust. They claimed to want to turn the west into the People’s Protectorate of Pork. Some thought it ironic when the People Republic of Pork let out a contract for a trillion pigs to China. Why could the west do this? The Chinese, who were glad to take the Pork Republic’s money, soon complained that they were drowning in pig feces. They had more than enough pig gas from the swine crap to run the entire country but still the pigs kept pooping. Suddenly the Chinese stopped whining and everyone was so relieved that no one bothered to ask why. A year later the People’s Republic of Pork revealed that they paid to haul out all the excess pork poop, urine and blood. Back in the west they mixed in swine offal with building materials, smudged all money, bullets and weapons with it, and used a mixture of pig poop, urine and blood in every cemetery in the west. They called the activity Pork Uber Alles.
It turned out that the whistle blowers spies who had exposed the secrets of the west to the world were holding something back in case of emergency. Unfortunately for the whistle blowers, their keepers and handlers had a different definition of “emergency” than the whistle blowers had.
Right before the western world was about to throw one of their patented self-righteous hissy fits and bomb the heck out of some third world country for a moral transgression, the west was warned that if the bombs fell, then the governments of western nations would fall as well. A few retired politicians in France, England, Germany and the United States were outed as child predators in the international press. This was actually more than enough to call off the dogs in the ruling political classes of the west, but their political adversaries, sensing blood in the water, pressed the punitive strike issue and actually publicly supported it. What remained of ruling classes were reluctantly stampeded into war. I say what remained because 10% of the ruling parties knew what was coming so they fled their home countries.
All of the pictures and money trails for all of the peccadilloes of all the politicians in the west were exposed. Those who did not flee or commit suicide were prosecuted and thrown out of office. The bombs did not fall but western governments changed hands overnight.
Are we there yet?
In a stroke of spectacularly bad timing, gays, women, human rights activists, and environmentalists in countries that were experiencing the “Arab Spring” all banned together in a wave of public protest. I say the timing was spectacularly bad because it happened just when the western governments were being deposed by leaked scandals. The religious fundamentalists were easily able to win the day by arguing that the protestors wanted to implement the failed policies and bankrupt morality that had just taken down every government in the west. Left of center politicians in Middle Eastern countries were forced back into the closet and a crackdown put all their supporters in jail.