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Doublespeak and Euphemisms you can get away with at Thanksgiving
If you are an adult and live in the U.S. you have probably noticed that around Thanksgiving we tend to say things that we'd otherwise be a little more shy about uttering. For those who haven't noticed, this hub is especially for you.
The following is a collection of 55 sayings and recipe instructions that are purely innocent when said or used at Thanksgiving, but which, admittedly, sound rather risqué if used at other times. The instructions I have italicized and have been taken from a couple of holiday recipe books I've kept since junior high home economics class. Yes, these are ancient books, yet while reading the instructions you may wonder if the authors didn't have something besides food on their brain when they wrote them.
Before continuing on this page please note that if you are easily offended by euphemisms you are probably better off leaving the page. But if you have a good sense of humor and aren't easily offended, I hope you enjoy!
1. I don't care if it's cheap and tart, I like the way it quivers when I fork it.
2. Brandy balls for everyone!
3. The best way to get the creamy part out is to slice the end and just suck it.
4. Here’s a plump drumstick for you, little girl.
5. The worst mistake I made was asking hubby to stuff my bird!
6. My pants feel like they’re about to burst!
7. Whip until firm, allow to air dry, then squeeze your spread to form white droplets over the pudding.
8. I lost mine among the crowd on the bed.
9. Rub oil on your sausage until a white film appears.
10. I don’t mind if Grandpa brings the ground hog, as long as he doesn’t set the greasy thing out on the guest table again.
11. …insert your whipped cream into the slit…
12. I’ll try anything once, as long as I get to pour my gravy on it.
13. ..bind legs of bird so juices will not pour out during entry of stuffing..
14. I buttered your buns just the way you like.
15. Pre-heat oven, baste thoroughly and stuff the bird…
16. I always enjoy a smoke afterward.
17. Meat will be ready when your rod pops up.
18. Just seeing that bird makes me want to unbuckle my pants.
19. Here, make a wish and pull my bone.
20. ..beat until tears develop..
21. …Liqueur paste for best results..
22. ..warm cherries gently and then impale on your wooden stave…
23. We go to my sister’s for her nice rack.
24. Her pie was big enough to serve many.
25. My husband caught it and brought it home, and as usual I ended up having to clean up the mess.
26. The shank sticks were ok, but had an under taste of cumin.
27.The meat was so big my thongs broke.
28….baste loin generously, not forgetting to rub bone..
29. Now, that’s what I call a nice rack!
30. …stroke bottom with firm brush…
31. ..insert plump weiner into bun…
32. …now drizzle your sauce over the firm peaks…
33. I’ll have biscuits in the oven once my husband’s dough rises.
34. …always smoke before dressing…
35. If you prefer a small dish, you can find one at the children’s table.
36. ..pre-heated properly, old birds can produce adequate juices to satisfy even the manliest of appetite..
37. My husband usually brings home some pickled carp.
38. I know my eggs are done; the yellow is seeping out.
39. …saturate Ginger and Sherry together for multiple shots...
40. Mom says she can accommodate one more on the bed!
41. Squash Cod Balls with Vanilla-steeped Rape Custard
42. ..cheesecake should have shiny top and firm bottom..
43. He goes to sleep right afterward, but I’ve come to expect it.
44. ..use Virgin for easier insertion..
45. Dear, would you like to lick out my bowl?
46.. …Knead with oiled hands so balls will separate from wood..
47 I see Grandma brought her famous plumb-fishy pie again.
48. Separate fruits from full-strength *Allman’s extract or else your pudding risks drying up.
49. ..It is important that you strip –NOT shave- hare until pink shows.
50... Why Reverend, your wife never told me you’re a breast man!
51. I found Grandma’s hot-crossed buns just a little yeasty.
52. Smoked herb mixed with a glass of beer will help avoid wasting your thyme.
53. I don’t mind telling anyone that my wife has the juiciest rump in town.
54. For a satisfying finale all your guests will remember we recommend capping the meal off with *Hard Dickens Cider
55. And don’t forget, kids, we never sit down to eat at Grandma’s table without saying a prayer first.
©2011 by Beth Perry