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Doublespeak and Euphemisms you can get away with at Thanksgiving

Updated on November 2, 2014

If you are an adult and live in the U.S. you have probably noticed that around Thanksgiving we tend to say things that we'd otherwise be a little more shy about uttering. For those who haven't noticed, this hub is especially for you.

The following is a collection of 55 sayings and recipe instructions that are purely innocent when said or used at Thanksgiving, but which, admittedly, sound rather risqué if used at other times. The instructions I have italicized and have been taken from a couple of holiday recipe books I've kept since junior high home economics class. Yes, these are ancient books, yet while reading the instructions you may wonder if the authors didn't have something besides food on their brain when they wrote them.

Before continuing on this page please note that if you are easily offended by euphemisms you are probably better off leaving the page. But if you have a good sense of humor and aren't easily offended, I hope you enjoy!

quivering cranberries
quivering cranberries


1. I don't care if it's cheap and tart, I like the way it quivers when I fork it.


2. Brandy balls for everyone!


3. The best way to get the creamy part out is to slice the end and just suck it.


4. Here’s a plump drumstick for you, little girl.


5. The worst mistake I made was asking hubby to stuff my bird!


6. My pants feel like they’re about to burst!


7. Whip until firm, allow to air dry, then squeeze your spread to form white droplets over the pudding.


8. I lost mine among the crowd on the bed.


9. Rub oil on your sausage until a white film appears.


10. I don’t mind if Grandpa brings the ground hog, as long as he doesn’t set the greasy thing out on the guest table again.


11. …insert your whipped cream into the slit…


12. I’ll try anything once, as long as I get to pour my gravy on it.


13. ..bind legs of bird so juices will not pour out during entry of stuffing..


14. I buttered your buns just the way you like.


15. Pre-heat oven, baste thoroughly and stuff the bird…


16. I always enjoy a smoke afterward.


17. Meat will be ready when your rod pops up.


18. Just seeing that bird makes me want to unbuckle my pants.


19. Here, make a wish and pull my bone.


20. ..beat until tears develop..


21. …Liqueur paste for best results..


22. ..warm cherries gently and then impale on your wooden stave…


23. We go to my sister’s for her nice rack.


24. Her pie was big enough to serve many.


25. My husband caught it and brought it home, and as usual I ended up having to clean up the mess.


26. The shank sticks were ok, but had an under taste of cumin.


27.The meat was so big my thongs broke.


28….baste loin generously, not forgetting to rub bone..


29. Now, that’s what I call a nice rack!


30. …stroke bottom with firm brush…


31. ..insert plump weiner into bun…


32. …now drizzle your sauce over the firm peaks…


33. I’ll have biscuits in the oven once my husband’s dough rises.


34. …always smoke before dressing…


35. If you prefer a small dish, you can find one at the children’s table.


36. ..pre-heated properly, old birds can produce adequate juices to satisfy even the manliest of appetite..


37. My husband usually brings home some pickled carp.


38. I know my eggs are done; the yellow is seeping out.


39. …saturate Ginger and Sherry together for multiple shots...


40. Mom says she can accommodate one more on the bed!


41. Squash Cod Balls with Vanilla-steeped Rape Custard


42. ..cheesecake should have shiny top and firm bottom..


43. He goes to sleep right afterward, but I’ve come to expect it.


44. ..use Virgin for easier insertion..


45. Dear, would you like to lick out my bowl?


46.. …Knead with oiled hands so balls will separate from wood..


47 I see Grandma brought her famous plumb-fishy pie again.


48. Separate fruits from full-strength *Allman’s extract or else your pudding risks drying up.


49. ..It is important that you strip –NOT shave- hare until pink shows.


50... Why Reverend, your wife never told me you’re a breast man!


51. I found Grandma’s hot-crossed buns just a little yeasty.


52. Smoked herb mixed with a glass of beer will help avoid wasting your thyme.


53. I don’t mind telling anyone that my wife has the juiciest rump in town.


54. For a satisfying finale all your guests will remember we recommend capping the meal off with *Hard Dickens Cider


55. And don’t forget, kids, we never sit down to eat at Grandma’s table without saying a prayer first.


©2011 by Beth Perry

Hard Dicken's Cider
Hard Dicken's Cider

Comments

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  • LisaKoski profile image

    LisaKoski 5 years ago from WA

    This is great lol. One of the best Thanksgiving hubs I've read yet.

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    Glad you enjoyed it, Lisa, and thanks!

  • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

    Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

    Beth! I am reading this at 2:30AM in my time zone and so I am trying to not wake up the house with my laughter! This is really great. Your humor is outstanding! Voted up, up and away!

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    Thanks Dexter, glad you enjoyed!

  • stclairjack profile image

    stclairjack 5 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks

    i haven't done T-day with my family in some years,... many reasons that i could write 20 hubs on and not cover,... but this,.... this beautiful sadistic gem of pure pleasure,.... this could ALMOST get me in the same room with a turkey baster with them again,... i said almost.

    theres always christmas,.... and that's enough.

    thanks for this,... laughgasmic!

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    stclairjack, so happy it brought you a laugh. And I'll be thinking about you on Thanksgiving, my dear, hugs!

  • profile image

    Poppy Ariella 5 years ago

    Hilarious! I love it...

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    Poppy, thanks :)

  • epigramman profile image

    epigramman 5 years ago

    ...well ya know Beth this is just gonna give the epi-man a lot of ideas for his writing - lol lol - and to thank you for this most charming and definitive and most timely hub - I will post it with pride and joy to my Facebook page with a direct link back here.

    lake erie time ontario canada 7:19am

  • profile image

    Lady Tenaz 5 years ago

    this was absolutely hilarious...loved it!

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    epigramman, thanks much :)

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    Lady Tenaz, glad yuu enjoyed and thank you :)

  • Jennifer Essary profile image

    Jennifer Essary 5 years ago from Idaho

    I absolutely loved it! Voted up and sharing with my like minded friends : )

  • profile image

    Au Fait 5 years ago

    I love it!

    Voting you up and funny.

  • Au fait profile image

    C E Clark 5 years ago from North Texas

    I love it! Hilarious!

    Voting you up and funny.

  • profile image

    david 5 years ago

    Those are really good !

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    Jennifer, Au fait and david, thanks much ya'all :)

  • VeronicaFarkas profile image

    Veronica Roberts 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

    Haha This is grrreat! =] Very creative & sooo bad!

    Voted up & across!

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    Thanks Veronica!

  • alissaroberts profile image

    Alissa Roberts 5 years ago from Normandy, TN

    So funny. I want to bust out one of these at the Thanksgiving feast tomorrow just to see everyone's reaction! Thanks for the laugh - voted up :)

  • nancynurse profile image

    Nancy McClintock 4 years ago from Southeast USA

    Too cute . You did a lot of homework to find these! Voted up.

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 4 years ago from Tennesee

    Glad you enjoyed them, Nancynurse!

  • Twilight Lawns profile image

    Twilight Lawns 3 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

    bethperry, thank you for a devastatingly funny hub. This proves that foul language doesn't need to be used to get your end across. And following that, thank you for appreciating your sentiments regarding the use of "dirty words" in movies.

    Book me the next ticket to go to the US so tat I don't miss Thanksgiving next year.

    I loved this hub and laughed out loud all the way through it but I think that 16 (I always enjoy a smoke afterward.) and 36 ( ..pre-heated properly, old birds can produce adequate juices to satisfy even the manliest of appetite.), really were the most priceless because of their seemingly innocent wording.

    Talking of the former, one of my favourite Questions and Answers must be:

    Q:- Do you smoke after sex?

    A:- I don't know. I've never looked.

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 3 years ago from Tennesee

    LOL! Twilight Lawns, thank you so much for the comment, and I am very glad you enjoyed the Hub!

    And I adore meeting people with a good sense of humor, thanks for giving me a funny this morning!

  • jpcmc profile image

    JP Carlos 3 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

    This is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 3 years ago from Tennesee

    jpcmc, so happy you enjoyed them!

  • jpcmc profile image

    JP Carlos 3 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

    I hope you don't mind, I'll share some of these in our meeting later this day.

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 3 years ago from Tennesee

    jpmc, sure be my guest!

  • jpcmc profile image

    JP Carlos 3 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

    Hello bethperry, I shared some in the meeting and they were laughing their heads off. Thanks.

  • bethperry profile image
    Author

    Beth Perry 3 years ago from Tennesee

    Awesome, jpcmc!

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