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The Mystery Box, If It Fits, It Ships

Updated on December 26, 2012
The Ice, The Sweet Taters and the Grandpa
The Ice, The Sweet Taters and the Grandpa | Source
Judy with her Amazon Gift Card
Judy with her Amazon Gift Card | Source
Andrew attempts to deal with Jacobs Duct Tape.
Andrew attempts to deal with Jacobs Duct Tape. | Source
According to Jacob, and he's not alone, this is me.
According to Jacob, and he's not alone, this is me. | Source

You Just Never Know.


If you wonder why the United States Post Office has such debt, all you need to do is look at the cardboard recycle pile after opening Christmas gifts. There will be an ample selection of Priority Mail cardboard boxes from the Post Office. They're free you know. One such Priority Mail, If It Fits, It Ships box had us all wondering about the contents for days as it sat quietly beneath our Christmas tree. It's bulging sides gave no clue as to it's contents so the revealing was heavily anticipated by all.


What was in that box was a complete Mystery to Judy, Andrew and me. It was from Andrew's younger brother Jacob in Edmond’s Washington. It couldn't be goodies to eat because none of the three dogs, Rambo, Roxi or JoJo, paid it any mind at all. It was addressed to all three of us so we were dazed and confused about what it might be.


As luck, circumstance or blessing, choose one, would have it, I was honored to get to open the Mystery Box. The charming thing about those If It Fits, It Ships boxes is the rip cord that speeds up the opening process substantially while reducing the stress induced by childlike anticipation. I wasted precious little time finding the pull tab that signaled victory over the medium sized If It Fits, It Ships Mystery Box. With all the power I could muster, I grabbed the pull tab between my thumb and index finger and gave a mighty pull. I accomplished my task with style and grace. In one quick pull, the Mystery Box was stripped of it's privacy and doomed to unveil it's innermost secrets.


There must have been a look of huge disappointment on my face when I pulled the first item from our Mystery Box. Our hearts were prepared for magnificent treasures of indescribable delight. I raised the plastic bag high into the air like in the dramatic TV series Roots when Omoro Kinte lifted his newborn child Kunta Kinte high into the air displaying great joy over his newborn son. The effect was quite different from the movie event. A plastic bag of sweet potatoes hardly rates as second glance let alone the joyful celebration when a newborn child enters the world. Anti-climatic, to say the least.


All the great expectations escaped like the air out of a balloon when it pops. Couldn't there be at least one small thing worthy of the anticipation we had only moments ago? It didn't seem so. With a deflated sense of awe and excitement, I reached back down into the Mystery Box in some vain effort to redeem this pathetic excuse of a Christmas gift. A joke is one thing but it can't be a box full of this nonsense can it? The second item elicited an even more mournful gasp from the three of us gathered around the Christmas tree. At least the bag for this item was of higher quality than the grocery store produce plastic bag that the sweet potatoes came in. This one was a large zip lock bag full of nothing more than ordinary tap water. Jacob has actually shipped water all the way from Washington State to Florida. But wait, there's more. He labeled the bag this time, right on the little white swatch made just for that purpose. It read 'ICE'. Jacob must not be nearly as smart as we had been giving him credit for. Yeah right Jacob, ship ice across the country to your grandparents. Real smart like there's one chance in 850 trillion that ice is going to go through the mail all the way across the country without melting. What on earth he was trying to keep cool.


When all of a sudden ice did seem to matter, another large zip lock bag lay hidden beneath the ICE bag. Maybe that's what needed to be kept cool. Once again the anticipation could be felt in the room. There was still hope that the contents of the Mystery Box would be worthy of all the excitement we thought we were going to experience when it was first opened. I deftly extracted the next bag from the box. It, much to my delight, was full of what appeared to be very high quality exotic chocolates. And indeed they were. Now we're getting somewhere. The bag was labeled 'CHOCOLATES' right there on it's little white labeling swatch. There was still more stuff in the box. And there were three of us who had no idea who was supposed to be getting this stuff. One, two or all three of us. It was just to soon to tell.


A white envelope appeared with an 'AMAZON' logo on the top left corner and a bar code and serial number occupying the bottom two corners. We all recognized this a GIFT CARD and so it was. But not a clue was to be found as to who it was for. One bag to go.


All by itself it occupied two thirds of the If It Fits It Ships medium sized United States Priority Mail box. The Mystery Box. This zip lock bag had to be the Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Davey Jones Locker, the keys to Fort Knox or maybe even the Ark of the Covenant. With visions of us all being caught in a vertical vortex vaporizing viciously as we broke the seal on the Ark, I removed the final bag from the Mystery Box. Much to our delight, we knew immediately who was to receive this bag but otherwise, we were bitterly disappointed with the look of it. It appeared to contain two shirts Jacob had borrowed from Andrew without his knowledge a couple months back when Andrew had flown to Washington to visit his family. Well at least he got his shirts back. But upon closer examination there was something more in the bag. A couple pairs of new shorts for our warmer Florida climate had been purchased by Jacob for his brother. Now that was a nice, thoughtful gift. Shorts are not easy to find in the Seattle area in the winter. At last we were done except for that one last glance into the box we all do at Christmas time to make sure we hadn't missed anything. Sure enough by golly we had. There was a computer print out on a sheet of paper. It would at last tell the whole story of the Mystery Box.


Jacob had written it our so our simple minds could understand the complexity of the gifts now laying before us. It read:



To whom it may salutations


Merry Christmas! I will see you soon enough but wish you humans whom I harbor affection towards to open this box and receive it's contents on the day of the twenty-fifth!



A brief overview of the contents follows.



A package of brand new clothes for my biological brother to wear, please wash them between uses. An Amazon gift card for my paternal grandmother to use for her kindle or other items she dems worthy of this noble gift. One package of my favorite chocolates for my paternal grandfather. I don't know what chocolates are your favorites , so I got all my favorites. After all, I have great taste. As an added benefit if you turn your nose up at the chocolates, I can eat them when I arrive.


AHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAhHAAAHAHAHA (Picture me chuckling heartily please). One of the chocolate bars had a picture that reminded me of Grandpas portrait, I circled it on the bar (it was a chimpanzee). Lastly, some ice is enclosed for that burn HAHAHAHAHA. (I burned my arm badly back in August of this year).



P.S. The potatoes are there because the box is flat rate shipping, and I wanted to ensure I put as much weight in the package as possible. Cook them or dispose of them at your pleasure.



Your favorite grandchild,


Jacob Adie the First



Packing List


Item Intended Recipient


Two new “t-shirts” and “cargo pants” Andrew Dylan Adie


One “Amazon” gift card for Kindle stuff Grandma Judy Adie


One package of chocolates Grandpa Scott Adie


One bag of ice (for that burn) Grandpa Scott Adie



So at long last the discoveries of the Mystery Box gave us one of our most cherished and memorable of Christmas Gifts. It showed the depth of depravity that our grandson Jacob has fallen to. Something we will have to seriously work on in January when he comes to visit. And something else, the unbridled love he gives to us through all the effort he put into our Mystery Box surprise. We love you too Jacob.




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    • sradie profile image
      Author

      sradie 4 years ago from Palm Coast FL

      Actually I thought the chimp analogy pretty accurate myself. The potatoes are gone, sorry. But regardless, we love you guys.

    • Abrushing1968 profile image

      Aaron Rushing 4 years ago from USA- Florida

      Your Grandson is very clever. LOL! Thanks for sharing this gift with us. By the way you do kinda look like a chimp. ROFL! Just kidding. If you don't want the sweet potatoes feel free to send them my way Diane loves em.