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Twas The Night Before Christmas | An Adult Version of the Classic Poem

Updated on October 22, 2011

I first wrote this poem when I was stationed in Korea. Korea has a cold to it that is I think unique in the world. It is a cold that chills you absolutely to the bone. The wind chill and humidity make 32 F feel like -130. I have often in the past recited the words from memory, this is the first year I have written them down. It’s meant to be recited around a 55 gal drum warming fire, and your third or fourth Egg Nogg or Hot Tot The. It should not be printed or viewed by any child, this one is for adults, if you think you may be offended stop here and now. But if you want a real crowd pleaser at the Office Party read on, read on and chuckle away.

The Night before X-mas

Twas the night before x-mas;

And all through the house,

The whole damn family

Was drunk as a louse.

Grandma and Grandpa

were singing their songs;

The kids in their beds

All flogging their dongs.

Ma came from the whorehouse

And I from the jail

And we both settled Down

For a nice piece of tail.

When out on the roof

There arose such a clatter.

I sprang from my bed

To see what was the matter!

Away to the window

I flew in a flash

Threw open the shutter

And fell on my ass!

The smog lit moon

On the crest of the snow,

Gave a whorehouse luster

To the objects below.

And what to my bloodshot

Eyes should appear?

But a rusty old sleigh and

eight mangy reindeer!

There! up in the Back!

Holding his Dick

In a moment I knew the Bastard

Was Nick!

With a Bottle in one hand

The other his wick,

He cursed and he yelled

While his elf cracked the whip!

“On Dasher On Dancer, On Comet and Blitzen!

Get over that wall!

Be quick now dammit!

Or I’ll cut off your Balls!”

“Come on Prancer and Cupid,

and Donner and Vixen!

Get your ass on that Roof!

You lazy old bitches!”

Amid Shingles and Icicles crashing on Down

I could hear him on the rooftop stumbling about

Bumped my head on the window as I turned around

Down the chimney Nick plopped with a fart and a shout

“What the F##K are you doing up ya big clout?”

He smelled of stale whiskey,

Cheap cigar smoke, and shit.

His white beard was matted

and streaked from Skoal spit;

In the kids stockings he put

Trojans for the boys and girls KY Jelly

“Make sure they use them this year if you can pry them apart”

He reached back in his bag with a burp and a fart,

“Ah yes, a dildo: I give it to her,

Use it twice a week lad And her snoring will cure.”

“And from now on my stumbling, bumbling, twit

Put Jack Black in the Cocoa or in your sock I will Shit!”

With a huge green cloud fart up the chimney he rose,

I swear peeled paint from the mantle and stuck to my clothes.

I heard him exclaim as he rode out of site,

“It’s a Cold Muther F**kr, a Hell of a night!”

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