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Valentine’s Day Advice From A Gay Guy To Straight Guys

Updated on February 12, 2009


No, this will not be a written episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy but every once in awhile I find that the skills that we gays possess are needed by the straight guys out there and to all of them who don’t have a gay pal to ask (or don’t want to ask that one guy they’ve been hanging out with for years and never has a girlfriend if he’s gay) allow me to assist. Some advice from a gay guy to straight guys on Valentine’s Day – Don’t Get Me Started!

Listen – now I know this is hard for you guys but think about doing this after sex (with your loved one, not by yourself) when you’re in a meditative, tranquil state. I know the instinct is to roll over and sleep but force yourself to stay awake at least ten minutes. These are the times when women feel they have delivered, are close to you and can use your brain to plant somewhat subliminal suggestions. It may be as simple as, “Gosh, don’t you wish we were lying in a bed in Hawaii right now?” If you’ve got the money, sure take her to Hawaii but a clever guy will find a way to bring Hawaii to that same bedroom. Buy some pina colada mix, a Don Ho tape, a grass skirt (for her or yourself), a sound soother that makes sounds like the ocean and a plate of pineapple and assorted tropical fruits (No, not Juan and Julio who your friend Kevin did once behind a gay bar, oh wait, you’re a straight guy never mind you wouldn’t understand that reference). Get her out of the house, decorate the room and be ready for her on Valentine’s Day. Bring Hawaii to her at less than half the cost. Your efforts will be rewarded. The same listening can be done and achieve the desired results for many gift ideas (and at times other than right after sex) – if she mentions a song on the radio she likes buy her the CD or download it for her on her Ipod. If she mentions a restaurant, take her there. Every day she sends about six hundred subtle and not so subtle messages to you by actually telling you what she wants, you just have to tune in and store all of this away until it’s needed.

Go To The Gay (Or Best Friend) – Your girl has all ready confided in her best friend (or the gay in her life) exactly what she wants for Valentine’s Day, her birthday, etc. One call can do it all. Just make sure that the friend is a true friend. If the gay best friend says she wants to see you in pictures wearing nothing but a thong, don’t do it. If the female best friend says that she thinks it would be good to make your girlfriend jealous by sleeping with her as the best friend, don’t do it. Everyone has their own agenda you just need to make sure to stay on track with your agenda and not theirs.

Silly Gifts – Silly gifts only work if the relationship is new or you’re twenty years into the relationship. This may include some sort of silly toy that she once told you about (when you were listening – see above) from her childhood and could even go so far to the other kinds of “toys” including edible panties and/or chocolate body paints depending upon how intimate your relationship is at the moment. A silly gift is your way of recognizing the day but also letting someone know that you’re not close enough for a thousand red roses and a carriage ride through the park.

Don’t Give A Serious Gift If You Aren’t Serious – This is a biggie boys so read carefully (more than once if needed) jewelry is always a serious gift. I don’t care if it’s a toe ring, most women will find a way to turn that toe ring into an engagement or promise of engagement ring to not only their toe but their entire body. Even earrings can be misconstrued but they can be given if you’re smart – no diamonds, the most expensive you can go is to a birthstone but even then there’ll be lots of looking around for the matching bracelet, necklace and engagement ring for the next three semi-events in your lives (a birthday, anniversary or even President’s Day will do, women are resourceful).

Finally, whatever you do, during the three days leading up to Valentine’s Day and after the day, do not for any reason under any circumstances get down on one knee. I don’t care if you think you’re just tying your shoe, she thinks the big moment is upon her and that you’re proposing. Just think of it this way, the same way you wouldn’t bend over in front of a gay guy applies here…you’re right to be afraid of being screwed! Some advice from a gay guy to straight guys on Valentine’s Day – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 8 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Guru-C left a comment about you at my so I came over to check you out. I'm still ROTFL laughing! Everything you say here is soooooo true!!

    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 8 years ago from South Africa

      Great advice and w very good giggle as always thanks for your lighthearted approach.

      Love and peace