- Holidays and Celebrations
Funny Valentines for People You Hate
11 Funny Valentines for People You Hate
First, a little history.
Do you know how Valentine’s Day (February 14th) began? 800 years before Valentine’s Day, the Romans celebrated a pagan festival in the middle of February which commemorated the rite of passage for young men to the god, Lupercus.
This festival included a lottery in which young unmarried men would draw the names of teenage girls from a box. Not just single women, but teenage girls. The girl assigned to each young man via the lottery would be his sexual partner for the rest of the year.
Do I have your attention?
Pope Gelasius was not comfortable with this pagan festival and instituted a small change to the lottery. Instead of the names of nubile, young women, the box would contain the names of saints. Both men and women would be allowed to draw a name and the idea was to emulate the saint for the rest of the year. As you might expect, this dramatic change did not meet with much favor among young Roman men.
got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms!
Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.” - Robert Orben
Here are Funny Valentines for People You Hate
For a boss
You’re mean and you’re miserly,
Demeaning and demanding.
Do you want some of me?
You’ll be the last man standing.
For a co-worker
Of all my colleagues,
And all of my peers,
I like you the least.
Go pay for the beers.
For a meddling mother-in-law
I can’t stop thinking "what if?"
I just pushed you over the cliff!
The Church needed a new patron saint of love to replace the pagan god, Lupercus. They chose Valentine who had been beheaded by Emperor Claudius in AD269 or AD270 depending on which historical source you choose.
Why did Valentine lose his head? Because he defied the emperor. Claudius believed married men made poor soldiers – too busy thinking about the women they left behind. But Valentine would secretly marry young men who sought his services. Claudius tried to convert Valentine to paganism but failed and had him stoned and then beheaded.
“Love is a grave mental disease.” - Plato
“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” - Anonymous
More Funny Valentines
For a misbehaving dog
When I say, Beg. You just play dead.
When I say, Git. You beg to be fed.
When I say Sit, You bite my feet.
When I say Stay, You run away to the street.
Here comes an 18-wheeler, Stay, Stay, Stay!
For a lover
I love to kiss your eyes, Your lips and your face.
I love to make love. Any time, any place.
Last night at dinner, Lust overcame me.
Now I am a sinner, And no one can blame me.
We made passionate love Right there on the floor.
I just couldn’t stop, You kept begging for more.
One small problem, my dove, One we can’t rise above,
They won’t let us in that restaurant any more.
A little more history
While Valentine was in prison, he fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. Before his death, he sent her a farewell message signed, "From your Valentine." The phrase has been used on his day ever since. It has become a tradition for people to give the ones they admire handwritten, printed or email messages of affection containing Valentine's name.
The first true Valentine card was sent by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife in 1415. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London at the time.
“No matter how love-sick a woman is, she
shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.” -
Funny Valentine Gifts
Even more funny Valentines
For a roommate
You borrow my sox and my Hanes,
My rolled oats and whole grains.
I’d ask you to leave if I had any brains.
You borrow my car and use all my gas,
Smoke all my cigs including the grass,
I ought to throw you out on your a**.
Guess the only reason I haven’t so far,
Is you pay all the rent and my tab at the bar.
For a Congressional representative
You promised us change
But the change ends up in your pocket.
Our taxes keep steadily rising
As though propelled by a rocket.
What about universal health care
In the land of the eagle?
So far the only recipients
Are those who are illegal.
And where are the jobs
You promised us, please?
All those new jobs
Are now worked overseas.
Right now you have us all by the throat.
But we will prevail – we still have a vote.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney
Gifts for Valentines You Love
For a wife
When we wed, you would cook, you said.
You promised without hesitations.
But I have learned the only thing
You make for dinner is . . . reservations.
For a husband
You are lazy and a loafer, And as dumb as any gopher,
You would be lost and afloat, Without your trusty remote.
You accuse me of treason, Because I hate football season.
But then again, despite all your ills,
I do realize you pay all the bills.
For a boyfriend
I saw you ogling that girl, and I saw when you kissed her.
Do you know that the girl is my younger sister?
I heard from my brother that you “dissed” my mother.
And my dad, on the phone, said you asked for a loan.
You wanna be my boyfriend? Fuhgeddaboudit, mister.
For a neighbor
When we moved in, every little thing was fine.
Then you started moving the property line.
One Sunday you had a barbeque and said come on over,
The barbeque meat was tough. Now I can’t find Rover.
I gave you permission to park your RV in front in the street.
But you neglected to mention your trailer is over 30 feet.
Now I can’t park my car in front every day.
I have to park it two long blocks away.
There’s good news though I am happy to say.
My realtor said he sold my place today.
The new owner bought it lock, barrel and stock.
What is his name? You know him. He’s The Rock!
Caution: These "mean" Valentines were written with tongue-in-cheek. If you decide to send any of them, do not hand-deliver . . . and do not sign your name.
© Copyright BJ Rakow 2011, 2013 Rev. All rights reserved.
B. J. Rakow, Ph.D., Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search just Ain't So."
This is a serious job search book written with a very light touch.