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Who would want to be a Mother?
Help for your job application
Are you going to apply for a job as mother? You've done all the right things, read the pamphlets, googled for background information and spoken to retired staff.
Now it's time to fill out your application for the job. You're feeling a little lost at the prospect of filling out those forms (in triplicate).
Never fear, help is here. I've personally filled out half a dozen of these applications to be a mother and there are just five things to remember.
Required Quality - Experience
This is the most straightforward question in the job application. You may think you have no experience but cast your mind back to your own childhood. There's a wealth of detail you can pull up even if you would prefer to keep it buried.
I passed this question because I was awful to my mother. Perhaps you were an ideal child and think this will guarantee your success but you would be wrong.
No one expects you to recall your toddling time but your primary school years are a treasure trove of information. Relive the times you broke things and hid them, various lies you told, petty thefts, surges of anger against your mother and the occasions when you were beastly to your siblings.
Especially those times when .. perhaps I shouldn't go into more detail here, no need to be excruciatingly painful and besides, my brother may read this.
You'll never pass the first test unless you can remember what it was like to be a child.
Required Quality - Physical Stamina
Get yourself fit. You're going to need all your physical strength.
The first two years of motherhood will be spent with your head down and your back bent, no task for the lazy. No task for the squeamish either, you will be handling a great deal of raw human waste.
Required Quality - Patience
Patience is an unappreciated virtue. If your store of patience is a little light, start practicing now.
You will not only have to live with a smaller person who has an unfortunate habit of frequently crying, bawling and shrieking, you'll have to quickly distinguish between the various yells, whinges and wails to determine the cause - and remedy.
Whatever the cause may be, you have to find it and fix it. Now.
There's no use getting frazzled about it, it will happen again tomorrow, and the next day and the next. Be patient. At some time in their development, children will stop screaming. Believe me.
You can't use Soothing Syrup
1885 advertising image
The idea of a soothing syrup for wailing infants and children is a nice one - but this product isn't nice at all, It was packed with morphine.
Just remember as you walk the floor with a fractious colicky baby or comfort a ten year old in the night, how you felt when you were a crying child and wanted your mother,
Required Quality - Loyalty and Dedication
This is a big one. Before you sign that dotted line on the job application, consider this. Are you prepared to devote the next twenty years of your life to someone you haven't even met yet?
You will have to prop up, train, stand behind and fully support someone who may very well sneer at your efforts. Can you do it?
Required Quality - Love
Do you think you have enough love to spare for a tiring life-long job?
You're right to worry, it show that you're thinking sensibly (a necessity for mothers) but that's one concern you can throw away.
Love is a funny thing, it appears from nowhere and is impossible to use up. It never runs out,. Your heart will fill up before you can do anything about it.
. Be prepared for the shock.
Have you told your mother lately that you love her?
I tell mine regularly these days. I sit out in my garden and think about her, calling her memory to my mind and tell her. "I love you Mum." I only wish she could hear me.