Worst Gifts for Valentine's Day
Only buy these things if you want an easy way out of a relationship.
It's almost here. Valentine's Day, a day filled with romance, laughter and love.
You'll find many resources on the internet to tell you just what to buy your special someone in the case that you don't know them well enough to find something they like, or if your romance bone is made of Twizzler's.
This is not one of those resources. Put on your humor hat and get ready for Gamergirl's top four list of horrible Valentine's Day gifts!
Number Four!Click thumbnail to view full-size
Horrible Valentine's Day Gift - Number Four!
Gary Null sure knows how to kill the mood, doesn't he?
Let Gary explain to your honey-whale why you bought her a Bowflex knock-off for Christmas. This book sells for about a tenth of the cost of filing your own divorce, so ladies be prepared!
This book, entitled "Not Your Fault You're Fat" is actually a guide on nutrition and such, but on first glance from your significant other, expect a mean right hook or for her to throw the book at you, literally and figuratively.
Number Three!Click thumbnail to view full-size
Sure-fire way to get dumped - Number Three
Strippers are so sexy, so classy, which means the most loving and caring gift for your girlfriend, spouse or domestic partner is a book teaching them exactly how to make you feel the spirit of the holiday!
Don't let the guide fool you, it's all about the strip-tease, beer and hot wings during the Daytona 500, right? If you let this Valentine's Day go by without giving your significant other this gift of passion, well.. you're more polite than some guys are!
Successful alternates to this golden novel of call-girl wisdom include: Motels by the Hour for Dummies, and The Comprehensive How-to Guide to Streetwalking!
Get Slapped Gift of the Season -- Number Two
Nothing says lovin' like the gift of lard.
Couple this squishy yet satisfying gift with a hand written love note telling your loved one. Here's an example:
You have, for years, asked me about the size of your butt. Does that pair of jeans make your butt look big? Does this dress look ok? Are you gaining weight? Are you still pretty? Are you really going to just roll over and go to sleep?
So, in lieu of flowers, candy, romantic dinners or any of that crap, I bought you a case of Manteca's best. Now you can become as fat as you think you are.
~Your soon to be Ex.
Number One!Click thumbnail to view full-size
Terrible Valentine's Gifts -- Number One!
Do you ever feel 'less than fresh'?
You know she will, once you get back from your night on the town!
While you were out boozing it up, partying and eventually going home with some strange woman, she waited for you and loved you, glad to see you come home okay. She'll even laugh through your story about passing out in your car, just as long as you remember to get the smell of that foreign perfume off your body.
Then, in a few weeks when you're sitting at the clinic with her, blame it on her! She'll never want to see you again, and finally you'll have the freedom to roam your house in your boxer-briefs without interruption.