ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Worst Gifts for Valentine's Day

Updated on February 29, 2020

Only buy these things if you want an easy way out of a relationship.

It's almost here. Valentine's Day, a day filled with romance, laughter and love.

You'll find many resources on the internet to tell you just what to buy your special someone in the case that you don't know them well enough to find something they like, or if your romance bone is made of Twizzler's.

This is not one of those resources. Put on your humor hat and get ready for Gamergirl's top four list of horrible Valentine's Day gifts!

Number Four!

Click thumbnail to view full-size

Horrible Valentine's Day Gift - Number Four!

Gary Null sure knows how to kill the mood, doesn't he?

Let Gary explain to your honey-whale why you bought her a Bowflex knock-off for Christmas.  This book sells for about a tenth of the cost of filing your own divorce, so ladies be prepared!

This book, entitled "Not Your Fault You're Fat" is actually a guide on nutrition and such, but on first glance from your significant other, expect a mean right hook or for her to throw the book at you, literally and figuratively.

Number Three!

Click thumbnail to view full-size

Sure-fire way to get dumped - Number Three

Strippers are so sexy, so classy, which means the most loving and caring gift for your girlfriend, spouse or domestic partner is a book teaching them exactly how to make you feel the spirit of the holiday!

Don't let the guide fool you, it's all about the strip-tease, beer and hot wings during the Daytona 500, right?  If you let this Valentine's Day go by without giving your significant other this gift of passion, well.. you're more polite than some guys are!

Successful alternates to this golden novel of call-girl wisdom include: Motels by the Hour for Dummies, and The Comprehensive How-to Guide to Streetwalking!

Number Two

Get Slapped Gift of the Season -- Number Two

Nothing says lovin' like the gift of lard.

Couple this squishy yet satisfying gift with a hand written love note telling your loved one. Here's an example:

Dearest Wife,

You have, for years, asked me about the size of your butt. Does that pair of jeans make your butt look big? Does this dress look ok? Are you gaining weight? Are you still pretty? Are you really going to just roll over and go to sleep?

So, in lieu of flowers, candy, romantic dinners or any of that crap, I bought you a case of Manteca's best. Now you can become as fat as you think you are.

~Your soon to be Ex.

Number One!

Click thumbnail to view full-size

Terrible Valentine's Gifts -- Number One!

Do you ever feel 'less than fresh'?

You know she will, once you get back from your night on the town!

While you were out boozing it up, partying and eventually going home with some strange woman, she waited for you and loved you, glad to see you come home okay. She'll even laugh through your story about passing out in your car, just as long as you remember to get the smell of that foreign perfume off your body.

Then, in a few weeks when you're sitting at the clinic with her, blame it on her! She'll never want to see you again, and finally you'll have the freedom to roam your house in your boxer-briefs without interruption.

Super Valentine's Day


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)