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Worst Gifts for Valentine's Day

Updated on February 29, 2020

Only buy these things if you want an easy way out of a relationship.

It's almost here. Valentine's Day, a day filled with romance, laughter and love.

You'll find many resources on the internet to tell you just what to buy your special someone in the case that you don't know them well enough to find something they like, or if your romance bone is made of Twizzler's.

This is not one of those resources. Put on your humor hat and get ready for Gamergirl's top four list of horrible Valentine's Day gifts!

Number Four!

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Horrible Valentine's Day Gift - Number Four!

Gary Null sure knows how to kill the mood, doesn't he?

Let Gary explain to your honey-whale why you bought her a Bowflex knock-off for Christmas.  This book sells for about a tenth of the cost of filing your own divorce, so ladies be prepared!

This book, entitled "Not Your Fault You're Fat" is actually a guide on nutrition and such, but on first glance from your significant other, expect a mean right hook or for her to throw the book at you, literally and figuratively.

Number Three!

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Sure-fire way to get dumped - Number Three

Strippers are so sexy, so classy, which means the most loving and caring gift for your girlfriend, spouse or domestic partner is a book teaching them exactly how to make you feel the spirit of the holiday!

Don't let the guide fool you, it's all about the strip-tease, beer and hot wings during the Daytona 500, right?  If you let this Valentine's Day go by without giving your significant other this gift of passion, well.. you're more polite than some guys are!

Successful alternates to this golden novel of call-girl wisdom include: Motels by the Hour for Dummies, and The Comprehensive How-to Guide to Streetwalking!

Number Two

Get Slapped Gift of the Season -- Number Two

Nothing says lovin' like the gift of lard.

Couple this squishy yet satisfying gift with a hand written love note telling your loved one. Here's an example:

Dearest Wife,

You have, for years, asked me about the size of your butt. Does that pair of jeans make your butt look big? Does this dress look ok? Are you gaining weight? Are you still pretty? Are you really going to just roll over and go to sleep?

So, in lieu of flowers, candy, romantic dinners or any of that crap, I bought you a case of Manteca's best. Now you can become as fat as you think you are.

~Your soon to be Ex.

Number One!

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Terrible Valentine's Gifts -- Number One!

Do you ever feel 'less than fresh'?

You know she will, once you get back from your night on the town!

While you were out boozing it up, partying and eventually going home with some strange woman, she waited for you and loved you, glad to see you come home okay. She'll even laugh through your story about passing out in your car, just as long as you remember to get the smell of that foreign perfume off your body.

Then, in a few weeks when you're sitting at the clinic with her, blame it on her! She'll never want to see you again, and finally you'll have the freedom to roam your house in your boxer-briefs without interruption.

Super Valentine's Day

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    • gamergirl profile imageAUTHOR

      Kiz Robinson 

      11 years ago from New Orleans, Louisiana

      Aww thanks! Glad I could help brighten up your day.

    • Montana Farm Girl profile image

      Montana Farm Girl 

      11 years ago from Northwestern Montana

      OMG, it's not even Valentines day or anywhere close to it....but, this is still such excellent, funny reading!!!! I needed the smiles today...thanks!!!

    • gamergirl profile imageAUTHOR

      Kiz Robinson 

      13 years ago from New Orleans, Louisiana

      I laughed the entire time I was putting this Hub together. I had to stop between each one, just so I could stop giggling at my office.

      tbartle: We like a rhyme-smith named MC Frontalot, and he has this song called 'Goth Girls' that makes my fiance and I giggle every time we listen to it. You should check it out. :D

    • tbartle profile image

      tbartle 

      13 years ago from Missoula, Montana

      That's way funny. Especially the fatness book. I'd be so offended.

      My exboyfriend and I really like the band Queen. He especially likes the song "Fat Bottomed Girls." One day we were listening to it in the car and he says, "We should play this at our wedding."

      !!! Can you imagine? I was shocked. I guess he didn't realize the implications and was just marvelling at the song he liked. What a silly guy.

    • Keny Luger profile image

      Keny Luger 

      13 years ago

      Haha...thanks for a good laugh.

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 

      13 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      Funny.... just too funny! I'm positive these four are enough reason for a quick parting of the ways. I'm still laughing...good one.

      I loved it-great hub- regards Zsuzsy

    • jaymz profile image

      jaymz 

      13 years ago from USA

      HAHA I like the last one.

    • Inspirepub profile image

      Inspirepub 

      13 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      And yet it's not in your Amazon capsule?

      I notice the pole dancing one is - LOL

      Jenny

    • profile image

      Cashflowco 

      13 years ago

      Thanks you saved me from embrassing myself

      maybe i just buy a power drill

      cheers

      Rowan

    • gamergirl profile imageAUTHOR

      Kiz Robinson 

      13 years ago from New Orleans, Louisiana

      hehehe I even searched for it by title. I knew it was out there, how funny is that?

    • Stacie Naczelnik profile image

      Stacie Naczelnik 

      13 years ago from Seattle

      Too funny! I love the book...It's not your fault you're fat...

    • gamergirl profile imageAUTHOR

      Kiz Robinson 

      13 years ago from New Orleans, Louisiana

      Thanks!! I had a lot of fun putting all this together. :) I only hope folks share my humor. hehe

    • profile image

      Lauren Romano 

      13 years ago

      Haha that's hysterical I love it!

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