ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Holidays and Celebrations»
  • UK Holidays

15 Funny Irish Sayings, Quotes, & Jokes for St. Patrick's Day

Updated on March 2, 2014
Celebrate St. Patty's Day on March 17th with some funny Irish sayings and jokes!
Celebrate St. Patty's Day on March 17th with some funny Irish sayings and jokes! | Source

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and Irish funeral? One less drunk. There’s nothing quite like good ol’ stereotypical drunken Irish humor!

In search of some funny Irish sayings, jokes, and quotes? Well, consider yourself lucky for landing on this page.

Have a laugh and a wee bit of fun with this list of 15 funny Irish sayings, jokes, and quotes!

Traditional Irish garments... Just kidding!
Traditional Irish garments... Just kidding! | Source

Irish Sayings

  1. Irish pub sign: Those who drink to forget, please pay in advance!

  2. Cheers! Here’s to our wives and girlfriends; may they never meet!

  3. May your beers be bottomless and your wives be topless!

Irish Quotes

  1. "Okay, so an Irishman walks out of a bar. Yeah, it’s possible."
  2. "God invented whisky to keep the Irish from ruling the world!"
  3. "The Irish ignore anything that they cannot drink or punch."
  4. "Drinking is the curse of the land as it makes you shoot your neighbor; it makes you miss him, too."

Keep Calm and Irish On!
Keep Calm and Irish On! | Source

How will your celebrate St. Patrick's Day this year?

See results

Irish Jokes

  1. Seamus opened the newspaper and was shocked to see an obituary saying he died. In a panic, he phoned his best friend Murphy. "Did you see the paper?!" asked Seamus. "They say I died!" Murphy replied, "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya callin' from?"
  2. McDonald was out for a drive on a beautiful day when he was pulled over by his friend, a policeman. "What's wrong, Patrick?" McDonald asked. "Well didn't ya know, McDonald? Your wife fell out of your car a few miles back!" replied Patrick. McDonald let out a sigh of relief and exclaimed “Ah, thank the lord! I thought I had gone deaf!
  3. And Irishman and ventriloquist were sitting at a bar and the Irishman was growing more and more mad at the ventriloquist’s Irish-knocking jokes. The Irishmen yells “What’s so funny? We’re not dumb!” The ventriloquist said “listen, I’m sorry, they are just jokes!” In which the Irishman replied, “No, not you! I’m talking to that little bastard on yer knee!”
  4. An Irishman, Scotsman, and Englishman go into a pub and order pints of Guinness. When the bartender brings the drinks, they notice right away that each glass has a fly in it. The Englishman, disgusted, refuses the drink and demands another. The Scotsman simply takes the fly out and pretends nothing happened. The Irishman takes the fly out with his fingers, shakes it around while yelling “Spit it out, Spit it out! You bloody bastard, it’s mine!”
  5. Murphy and Pat have been friends and drinking partners for years. Pat asks Murphy, “If I shall die before you, will you promise that you will buy the best bottle of whiskey you can find and pour it all over my grave?” “Sure, replied Murphy, “But can I drink it all first?”
  6. Neil McCormick was involved in a horrific house fire, and had no family to be contacted, so the police sent for his two best friends, Owen and Paddy, to help identify the body. “Yep, he’s burnt up pretty good!” Said Owen, “It’s hard to tell if that’s even him!” Paddy exclaims, “Oh, I know. Let’s flip him over on his stomach and take a look! Neil had two assholes!” Puzzled, the mortician asks “He had two assholes?!” Paddy says, “Yeah, anytime we would go walking up to the pub, people would always say ‘Here comes Neil with his two assholes!’”
  7. An Irishman, Englishman, and a Scotsman were looking up the cost of brains used for the transplant. The cost of a Scotsman or Irishman’s brain was only 500 Euros when the Englishman’s brain was closer to 5,000 Euros. The Englishman exclaims, “That proves that Englishmen are just far more clever and intelligent than Irishmen and Scotsmen. “All lies!” Says the Irishmen, “It just means that the Englishmen never used their brains!”

My Favorite Funny Irishman!

One for the Road

Whenever you are looking to tell jokes, you can never really go wrong with funny Irish sayings, jokes or quotes!

Here, I feel it appropriate to end with one!

I took my wife, Darcy, to our usual restaurant, and our waiter, Neil, took my order first while Darcy read the menu. “I’ll have a pint of Guinness and a steak, cooked rare!” “What about the mad cow?” Asked the waiter. “Nah, she can order for herself!” And that’s how the fight started...

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • John MacNab profile image

      John MacNab 4 years ago from the banks of the St. Lawrence

      Nice one tutta. Have a Guinness on me.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)