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Funny New Years Resolutions

Updated on May 15, 2013

My collection of funny New Years resolutions

New Years resolutions can be a very serious, life changing business if you take them seriously - but some of the more off-the-wall ones can be pretty funny too, depending on your point of view. Here's a collection of my favorites.

If you're working on your own real New Years resolutions, you can get a goal setting worksheet to help you out.

Image: Billy Alexander

New Years Resolutions from a Guilty Conscience

These come from the same root as the usual "stop smoking" and "lose weight" resolutions - resolving to stop doing something we know we shouldn't - but they are a bit more idiosyncratic!

Spend less time fooling around on the net and more time actually working

Well, here you are fooling around on the Net again. Why aren't you working? Have you used up your ration of fooling-around time yet?

Spend more time with my cat

Usually people resolve to spend more time with friends and family instead of working (or maybe fooling around on the Net). The good thing about this one is, if your cat just likes to sit on you, you can combine spending more time with him/her with fooling around on the Net, or TV-watching, which gives you a good excuse. On the other hand, if the cat is a bit more active, you could combine chasing and running play with your "get more exercise" resolution. Bonus!

Be sat on by cats less

The cat who likes to sit on you can pin you down for hours on end. Especially if you're like my daughter, stretching out on the sofa to read, and the cat in question is 17 years old and his greatest mission in life is to spend every minute on someone's lap - or failing a lap, the hot-air outlet.

Clean my room

Surely your mother can do this for you. The resolution, I mean, not the cleaning.

New Years Fireworks by ericortner on sxc
New Years Fireworks by ericortner on sxc

New Years Resolutions from Bitter Experience

These obviously come from someone who's had a bad experience and doesn't want to repeat it...

Do not sit on my flute when frustrated

My daughter started learning the flute when she was 8 years old, and often had trouble with the amount of breath needed at first, to the point of getting dizzy. One day she got very frustrated, put the flute down on a chair, stomped about a bit, and then sat down. On the flute. Luckily she only weighed about 50lb at the time so not too much damage was done, but she didn't do it again!

Wake up when my alarm clock goes off

I can understand resolving to get up when the alarm goes off, but you don't have much control over waking up short of turning the volume way up or putting the alarm 6" from your ear, which are pretty easy to just do. But I guess someone missed an important appointment or event and is determined never to do so again!

Become better at small talk

I must admit I could have done with this resolution when I was young. I would have failed chit-chat 101 if it had been offered! Now if I don't do the small talk thing it's because I don't choose to, not because I can't.

Learn how to remember peoples' names

Oh dear, someone forgot an important name in an embarrassing situation. Sometimes I forget someone's name seconds after they've told me, but it's usually because I'm not really paying attention. Umm, there's the solution right there. Pay Attention, Kev!

New Year decorations by ilco on sxc
New Year decorations by ilco on sxc

"Just Do It" Resolutions

These are the kind of things which hardly need a resolution, really - just go do it, people!

Kiss in the rain

Watch Grey's Anatomy

Send a message in a bottle

Go skinny dipping

Master a party trick

Turning over a new leaf by diayo on sxc
Turning over a new leaf by diayo on sxc

Impossible Resolutions

Some things we just don't have enough control over to make them into a resolution.

Win the lottery

You can buy as many lottery tickets as you like, but no amount of resolving will help you win.

Get the best Christmas gift ideas and shop online - make Christmas shopping quick and easy

Best Christmas gift for young artists - Melissa and Doug Deluxe Standing Easel

The Melissa and Doug deluxe standing easel is an evergreen gift and will be a favorite toy for years to come. This kids easel is sturdily made, double sided, comes with blackboard and dry erase surfaces and a paper roll holder for paper, folds for storage, and will keep your young artist(s) happy for hours.

Razor Pocket Mod Miniature Euro Electric Scooter

Make your child the coolest - and the happiest - in the neighborhood when you give them this Razor electric scooter for Christmas. Reliable, quiet electric motor, choice of cool colors, and classic scooter styling in miniature makes this a bestselling item.

LEGO Mindstorms NXT - the next generation in robot kits

NXT is the new generation of LEGO Mindstorms robot kits, a great Xmas gift for the "builders" on your list. Works with existing LEGO Technic pieces too! Build whatever your imagination can come up with, then program it yourself to make it come to "life".

LEGO Advent Calendar 2010 provides 24 days of family fun.

With a tiny set or a minifigure behind every window from Dec 1st to Dec 24th, the LEGO Advent calendar is fun for the whole family, and after the holidays your kids and add the pieces and figures to their existing LEGO for even more long-lasting play value.

LEGO Republic Gunship

The LEGO Republic Gunship is a great LEGO Star Wars model with lots of playability and interesting construction for hours of fun.

LEGO Death Star - huge Star Wars model kit

Who doesn't remember the Death Star? Here it is in all its huge (over 3400 pieces) looming glory, with super laser and enough weapons and defences to make any Star Wars fan happy.

Got any funny New years Resolutions? Share them here!

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