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Funny Retirement Quotes

Updated on September 17, 2013

Here's to You!

If you're about to retire or if you know someone who is, there's a certain amount of emotion that goes with the whole event. You want to keep your spirits up and enter this new portion of your life with levity and a great attitude. So make yourself, or someone else, laugh.

A site called offers some of the best retirement poems and sayings. They call their site the Retirement Poems Café and it's filled with lively and amusing thoughts on retirement.

You can read them yourself and chuckle or you can write them on your congratulations gifts for a friend or retiring co worker. They encourage you at the site to use them for free.

An Ode to Old Age

Poetry in Age

There's quite an art to falling apart

As the years go by,

And life doesn't begin at 40.

That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not:

The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's Vapo Rub, not Chanel #5;

My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,

But, what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?

I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;

If my names there, I'll once again start -

perfecting the art of falling apart.

- Unknown Wise Person

The money is no better in retirement but the hours sure are!

- Author Unknown

When you see some people work you wonder what they will do in retirement...

- Author Unknown

Funny Retirement Spoof - Inspiration Video

Ode to Retirement

Why Not?

I can read and write and paint.

Can even aspire to be a saint.

Left alone,

I could travel, teach and tutor.

Share guide and mentor Someone.

You my friends can remain blind

And kind

Or see in me a New find

Making again a difference.

- Ramasami Natarajan

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.

- R.C. Sherriff

Retirement - It's All in How You Play the Game

Isn't It?

Let's see now. How will I know when I am a senior.


Some places give me a senior's discount at 55, some at 60 and some at 65.

My government pension will be sent to me when I am 65.

My company will arbitrarily retire me at 65.

(I'm going to beat them to the punch and retire at 60.)

So that means that parts of our society think 'senior' begins at 55.

How will I personally know?

Well, with a little bit of luck, I don't think I'll ever know.

It's all in how you play the game, isn't it?

- Unknown wise person

Congratulate the retirement of the golf loving type in your life with a golf gift basket. They'll be able to use it with their sudden increase of spare time!

Aged Comments Please - Leave your quirky retirement quotes here!

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    • profile image

      Donna Cook 3 years ago

      Great lens! I'm not over the hill, I'm going to the next mountain.

    • junecampbell profile image

      June Campbell 4 years ago from North Vancouver, BC, Canada

      Great lens. I enjoyed the laughter.

    • profile image

      Aunt-Mollie 4 years ago

      Great T-shirts. Doesn't anyone get gold watches anymore?

    • Ben Reed profile image

      Ben Reed 4 years ago from Redcar

      A fascinating lense - thanks for sharing.

    • Wedding Mom profile image

      Wedding Mom 4 years ago

      Very funny lens!

    • Cari Kay 11 profile image

      Kay 4 years ago


    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      "Old age ain't for cissies!" - Mae West

      Great lens, thanks for sharing the fun side of retirement :)

    • profile image

      john9229 4 years ago

      I'm still long way to go for retired. Anyway, nice quotes and thanks for sharing.

    • profile image

      Timsmansmall 5 years ago

      They call it the Golden years, but it is only the Olden years!

    • mrsclaus411 profile image

      mrsclaus411 5 years ago

      These are funny. Retirement doesn't mean you stop having fun and doing things you love.

    • MonisMas LM profile image

      MonisMas LM 5 years ago

      "I smell of Vick's Vapo Rub, not Chanel #5" - hahaha!

    • graphite75 profile image

      Tom 5 years ago

      Great lens, love the quotes!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      You had me smiling at your! One of the things I've done with poetry on several lenses is to use the recipe module so readers have the option of getting a printable version, I just skip the ingredient lines and put the whole poem in the bottom section and it works great. I'm thinking I'll never retire but will be on a computer Squidooing to the end, LOL!

    • BusinessWebsiteSe profile image

      BusinessWebsiteSe 5 years ago

      And once you are retired, you can spend all your time thinking of new quotes :p

    • AnonBlogger profile image

      AnonBlogger 5 years ago

      Hilarious lens!

    • cjbmeb14 lm profile image

      cjbmeb14 lm 5 years ago

      Some cool quotes.

    • profile image

      gilsummers 5 years ago

      here's another one: Don't retire - reinvent!

    • profile image

      Ajeet 5 years ago

      Retirement should be the best period of one's life.

    • Phoenix2361 profile image

      Phoenix2361 5 years ago

      Funny pearls of wisdom.

    • MrMojo01 profile image

      MrMojo01 5 years ago

      Great quotes!

    • profile image

      crazy4u2 5 years ago

      I can't keep away from visiting retirement quote dot com. Thanks for sharing the link and wonderful poetry in your lens. It was neatly built.

    • srsddn lm profile image

      srsddn lm 5 years ago

      Liked the poems. Great lens.

    • profile image

      pawpaw911 5 years ago

      Nice. I can relate.

    • KimGiancaterino profile image

      KimGiancaterino 5 years ago

      I've always thought the gold watch tradition was silly. Thanks to modern phone technology, they're not as necessary as they used to be.

    • profile image

      sandi_x 5 years ago


    • artbyrodriguez profile image

      Beverly Rodriguez 5 years ago from Albany New York

      Really cute! Thanks for the laughs.

    • bwet profile image

      bwet 5 years ago

      LOL hilarious.. retirement is a long way away for me...

    • profile image

      mastholiday 5 years ago

      good job

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Gosh, retirement is so far away- but I can't wait to share this lens with all the retirees in my life!

    • UKGhostwriter profile image

      UKGhostwriter 5 years ago


    • profile image

      ottnepal 5 years ago

      you are mostly welcome to Nepal. Nepal is not only for climbing mountain. Nepal is a country which is naturally decorated. are lots of places for visiting. Nepal is birth place of Lord Buddha. You can visit Lumbini (birth place of Buddha) and can pray for peace in whole world.

    • HaleySchaeffer LM profile image

      HaleySchaeffer LM 5 years ago

      My parents just retired, so I think they'd really enjoy this lens. I'm going to share it with them! :)

    • profile image

      SteveKaye 5 years ago

      Once you retire all of the rules change. I plan to be four years old for the rest of my life.

    • SayGuddaycom profile image

      SayGuddaycom 5 years ago

      Good stuff.

    • CruiseReady profile image

      CruiseReady 5 years ago from East Central Florida

      Ha - I had to laugh at the watch quote. So true!

    • Virginia Allain profile image

      Virginia Allain 5 years ago from Central Florida

      Being retired is lots of fun. I certainly recommend it.

    • profile image

      iCare4uk 6 years ago

      Nice lens - cheered up my day

    • profile image

      NevermoreShirts 6 years ago

      Great stuff - got a good laugh out of them. One of these days, that'll be me...

    • mountainstevo profile image

      mountainstevo 6 years ago

      I love the watch joke! Why do they give someone who is retiring a watch?

    • kimark421 profile image

      kimark421 6 years ago

      Great lens! I've always thought that energy is wasted on youth.Your energy level should increase as you get older and by the time you retire you're rarin' to go all the time. Alas, life isn't always fair, or logical.

    • Lady Lorelei profile image

      Lorelei Cohen 6 years ago from Canada

      This topic would fit perfectly into Healthy living-Aging-Retirement. Best wishes.

    • profile image

      Stonecutter 6 years ago

      What a great lens, the Bill Gates video was incredibly funny.

    • ZenandChic profile image

      Patricia 6 years ago

      Blessing this lens and putting it on my Poetry review lens! Love the poetry!

    • profile image

      Positivevibestechnician 6 years ago

      sometimes i wonder if I will ever retire

    • stephenteacher profile image

      Stephen Carr 6 years ago from Corona, CA

      Had a good laugh, nice lens!

    • Wbisbill LM profile image

      Barbara Isbill 6 years ago from New Market Tn 37820

      Enjoyed this lens! LOL.

      P.S. Thanks for coming by my 'Christmas Traditions' lens with your 'Angel' blessing. Be prosperous and live to a ripe old age!

    • Michey LM profile image

      Michey LM 6 years ago

      Thanks for a funny lens and remainder... I love it!


      Michey By the way, retirement is not a walk in the Park, so we better keep our sense of humor.

    • ShariBerry profile image

      Sharon Berry 6 years ago from Michigan

      I loved the poem "An Ode to Old Age"...what makes it so funny is that most of it is true. I loved the lens and will lensroll it to my lens on retirement. Thanks.

    • BarbRad profile image

      Barbara Radisavljevic 6 years ago from Templeton, CA

      Thanks for a morning laugh!

    • photofk3 profile image

      photofk3 6 years ago

      Funny quotes, thanks for sharing.

    • profile image

      dessertlover 6 years ago

      Too cute. I could use these a time or two :)

    • squid-janices7 profile image

      squid-janices7 6 years ago

      Funny lens ..... love the watch quote.

    • ajgodinho profile image

      Anthony Godinho 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      LOL, funny's one..."When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house you know you are retired" ~ Unknown ;)

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      I hope to use some quirky retirement quotes myself, some day soon. Dreaming.

    • profile image

      nelabai 7 years ago

      Loved R.C. Sheriffs retirement quote :D

    • raegal75 profile image

      raegal75 7 years ago

      Loved the quotes! I've lensrolled you into my Retirement Party Planning Ideas lens.