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Little-Known Santa No. 1

Updated on December 3, 2010
Little-Known Santa No. 1
Little-Known Santa No. 1 | Source

Pleased to meet you. Hope you catch my name.

Have a little sympathy for me, for I am Little-Known Santa No. 1, otherwise referred to as Satan Claus.

Doesn’t matter if you’ve been naughty or nice, I know deep down every last one of you is dirty and shameful and evil somewhere in your core. In fact, I count on it! How else do you think I find it so easy to get you to do my bidding? To coax you into Fraud? Adultery? Larceny? Murder? Genocide? No-document wrap-around mortgage swaps?

So, this year, stone some carolers, go reindeer hunting, sneer at the homeless, and remember to get your ‘Santa buddy’ that really itchy and horribly-patterned sweater, or a discount CD from some really lame-o group from the ‘80s, or a lava lamp that will break down after one week. If you really suck up to me, I just might leave you a big shiny black chunk of coal in your stocking.

(Oh, and forget any notion of leaving out a plate of warm cookies and chilled milk. All I really want is your immortal soul.)

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