ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Valentine's Day: A Guide For Women By A Man

Updated on December 15, 2014

Women: Buying Valentines Gifts For Your Man

I've just done a guide for men on buying Valentines Day presents and it occurred to me that some women might need a guide of their own. Based on the theory that we men are insensitive and thick, and that some women are too sensitive and thoughtful ....

Okay, howls dying down now, let's continue. Men don't really do daft days like Mothers Day, Valentines, Stroke Your Tortoise or anything of that ilk. Not necessarily because we're bad people but because we just don't remember them. If pushed, we will mutter and resort to our standard defences (see below).

Image: Gloomy Bear Plush Doll Face Cushion Pillow Tissue Box Holder This would be a bad choice but you could get it for yourself!

Click here for Valentines Gifts: A guide for men

Dropping Hints

Women do this, men don't. If we see an exercise device on the television and say "that looks good" we mean "I want a cheeseburger". If we sound any more enthusiastic it means "I want the woman demonstrating the equipment".

If we see a good book and say "I must read that", it doesn't mean we want you to buy it for Valentines Day. It may mean "I'd read it if there was nothing else in the house" or it may mean "I like the Simpsons". Men's brains work in odd ways. Jusr read on and you'll get an idea of the depths we plumb.

curry
curry

Take Him Out For A Meal

If you've chosen your mate well this could be a romantic dinner in a great restaurant. If you've selected from the lower depths of the gene pool it means a curry and a few beers. Caution: don't try to take him to an upmarket Indian restaurant -- he likes his usual. Even if you have to climb a Public Health warning barrier to get in.

Do check the sports schedules before booking the table (not that his usual restaurant bothers much about bookings). He wouldn't admit it but he'd rather watch his team on telly than go for a meal with you. Actually he'd rather watch his team than give you artificial respiration (hang on, it's half time in five minutes).

Image by Iijjccoo (Own work) [GFDL or CC-BY-SA-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0], via Wikimedia Commons

good kid latest
good kid latest

Buy Him CDs

If he's into music, get him a few CDs. Check his collection first -- men are not tactful and will mutter "got that already" if provoked. If he insists on playing them immediately, br pleased and don't moan if you hate the band. Check out top albums from last year and see if any ring a bell.

DO NOT: buy him a soppy CD. "Ten Great Songs For Lovers" is a complete no-no. Instrumental versions of his favourite artiste are also out (not that you would, I'm sure).

la dodgers baseball cap
la dodgers baseball cap

Something Sports-Related

Something to do with his favourite team - a scarf, perhaps, even if he always wears his lucky scarf, he'll still be grateful. But never use it. Best of all, two tickets to a game, but tell him he's to take a friend if he's the "girls just don't get football" type.

A video, a book -- he can't moan at these.

DO NOT: get him an exercise bike or similar unless you're absolutely sure. Even if he's been saying he should lose weight or get fit for two years, don't. We men have our own version of "does my bum look big in this" though we never say it out loud.

If he's not a couch potato

Most men like gadgets, even if we can't use them.

home brew beer kit
home brew beer kit

Booze

I use the word "booze" deliberately. You'd be horrified if he gave you half a dozen Bacardi Breezers instead of champagne - it works the other way round with men. Okay, go upmarket and get a really good Malt Whisky or a special vodka; alternatively get a dozen special ales -- supermarkets sell mixed packs -- perfect for a beer drinker.

Also acceptable might be a home brew kit or home wine-making set. He'll never use it but it implies that you think he's capable and panders to his male provider instincts in a way that is truly sad :)

red silk chemise
red silk chemise

Major Do Nots

DO NOT get him yourself. By this I mean don't fill the bedroom with candles, strew rose petals, put on a red negligée and lie on the bed with a come hither look. His reactions will be:

  • Power off?

  • Dropped a vase?

  • What's up, indigestion?

DO NOT book a romantic holiday as a surprise. It may clash with a major football match and it's his job to provide anyway. Even if that usually means you doing all the work with brochures and him grunting now and again. Plus it may scare him off if the dreaded commitment word floats into his mind.

Go on then

You know you want to ignore my advice ...

Captain Kidd
Captain Kidd

Standard Defences

I mentioned earlier that we have standard defences for use when we forget Valentines Day or whatever. We don't expect you to take these seriously or even believe them but at least we're making some sort of effort:

  • It's all commercial, made up by Hallmark
  • I was going to surprise you at the weekend
  • Blimey, is that the time, sorry, have to go

Are we all sexist neanderthals? - Ladies, have you found someone better?

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Not only do you have some really great ideas, but you presented them with a good dose of humor. (Or should I say humour?) I had fun reading this lens! Go figure.

    • FatLossDiva profile image

      FatLossDiva 4 years ago

      All great gift ideas. Thanks!

    • lkamom profile image

      Heather McGlaughlin 4 years ago from Marryland

      I like the idea of taking him out for a meal. After all a way to a man's heart is through is stomach, right?

    • profile image

      grannysage 4 years ago

      My husband is muttering, not sports, please not sports. Sigh, probably a boomerang or some other toy like gadget. If I have money be then. Good one.

    • profile image

      marsha32 5 years ago

      actually my hubby would be shock if I tried that seduction thing ROFL However, despite what you say, I'm sure that would be what he would enjoy the most.

    • Brandi Bush profile image

      Brandi 5 years ago from Maryland

      Oh my...got a rare glimpse into the mind of a man! :) Great lens!

    • profile image

      mumsgather 5 years ago

      I can find plenty of suggestions on what to get a woman but never the other way around, so I really appreciate this.

    • Ted Bergman profile image

      Ted Bergman 5 years ago

      I found the most romantic thing you can do is, to take the time to write her something. It doesn't matter how good it is - the important thing, what will make her love you, is that you took the time.

    • Wednesday-Elf profile image

      Wednesday-Elf 5 years ago from Savannah, Georgia

      A very humorous 'take' on the different viewpoints (men/women) of Valentines Day expectations! Wonderfully clever page presented here.

    • Ram Ramakrishnan profile image

      Ram Ramakrishnan 5 years ago

      Science firmly asserts that we have about

      four-to-five percent of Neanderthal genes;

      Allowing us to justify to that extent our

      perceived wayward behavior and means.

      Perhaps it is a closely guarded secret

      Among men, and they lack the gall

      To openly declare to the world that Eve

      Was denied her share, and Adam got it all!

      You have a wonderful lens here, Paul.

    • Lee Hansen profile image

      Lee Hansen 5 years ago from Vermont

      Woops I don't think I'd truss him and hang him from the yardarm if he forgot ... but then again, he wouldn't forget - he likes the chocolate he buys me as much as I do.

    • christinsword profile image

      christinsword 5 years ago

      This valentines day lens should be required visiting for all guys lol

    • HackMyHeart LM profile image

      HackMyHeart LM 6 years ago

      This definitely made me laugh even if all the tips weren't applicable to me. I think the most important thing here is not to stray from the norm for guys, whereas women tend to like to be surprised with something nice. =)

    • juditpaton profile image

      Iudit Gherghiteanu 6 years ago from Ozun

      thank you so much to let me have a glance in a man soul...very helpful when i want special attention from my husband.

    • profile image

      GetSillyProduct 6 years ago

      awesome, it's about time men started getting some special treatment on Valentine's day. Bring on the sexy underwear ladies!

    • sorana lm profile image

      sorana lm 6 years ago

      Love your lens. I had to laugh at the "Major Do Nots". Thanks.

    • sidther lm profile image

      sidther lm 6 years ago

      I love it!!! My husband asked for an i-phone, I think that'll be about it this year! -Of course he will be "needing" all of the accessories by St Patrick's day. More apps for easter.....

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Nice Lens. Quite humorous from a mans perspective.

    • NoYouAreNot profile image

      NoYouAreNot 6 years ago

      @NoYouAreNot: PS_ Honour both "programmings", please... We are of the same stuff. We hear you :-D

    • NoYouAreNot profile image

      NoYouAreNot 6 years ago

      We love you, sexist neanderthals... AND thinking homo sapienses.

    • hsschulte profile image

      hsschulte 6 years ago

      @hsschulte: Blessed too.

    • hsschulte profile image

      hsschulte 6 years ago

      I truly love this lens. Thank you!

    • jeanwolf50 profile image

      jeanwolf50 6 years ago

      whew! Somehow I hit the jackpot! He likes nothing better that "come hither NOW" look. Have to agree with the British humor though.

    • Kailua-KonaGirl profile image

      June Parker 6 years ago from New York

      Forgot to tell you. You have a thumbs up from me and I lensrolled you to my "Send a Message in a Bottle" and "Romantic Breakfast" lens. I do want to add this lens and your other Valentines Guide as featured lens to my Romantic breakfast lens. I'm a wee bit busy, but should have it done by this weekend.

    • Kailua-KonaGirl profile image

      June Parker 6 years ago from New York

      I really had a good laugh with this lens, but it is so true!! You have my husband down to a T, but I do think he is semi-well trained. He brings me a card and flowers and I give him nothing but a good meal and more beer!

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Wow, I miss British humour. In my opinion, it is far better than American, but then I guess I was raised on it and therefore may be slightly biased. Great ideas of what NOT to do.....lol. Blessed by an Angel.

    • sponias lm profile image

      sponias lm 6 years ago

      Thank you for the nice ideas for a special gift!