Worst. Christmas Gifts. Ever.
The Worst Christmas Gifts (But Also Some of the Funniest)
There are plenty "best gifts for Christmas" lists out there. Enough of that! Here we are talking about the WORST gifts you can give another human. I searched the world for the most disturbing, insulting, and just plain bad Christmas gift ideas of this holiday season, and here they are, in all their inappropriate glory. There's a little something for everyone here -- give great-aunt Clara the pole dancer alarm clock and watch her eyes light up, not with joy, but with anger. This year, when someone says, "oh, you shouldn't have," they'll mean it.
My First Maid Trolley
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: My First Cleaning Trolley with Working Vacuum, Broom Mop & Accessories
Well, of course! What child wouldn't want a miniature plastic maid trolley to wheel around the house? While there's certainly nothing wrong with being a domestic engineer, you may want to ask yourself why this toy is aimed at girls only. Why do they have to do all the housework? Maybe this toy should come with a miniature plastic couch for three-year-old Timmy to crash out on and watch the game while his sister mops the floors and vacuums the drapes. This may be her first cleaning trolley -- but let's hope it's also her last.
Pole Dancer Alarm Clock
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Pole Dancer Alarm Clock
Start your day in the worst possible taste with this scuzzy pole-dancer alarm clock. A lovely present for just about anyone on your list, except maybe girls, boys, women, and any man whose knuckles don't drag on the ground when he walks. Ho ho ho, indeed!
Wakey Wakey, Sleaze and Bakey! - Yes, the pole dancer actually moves.
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Inflatable Fruitcake
Is this bad, or hilarious? Maybe hilariously bad. Fruitcake gets a bad rap, certainly, but there is such a thing as "good" fruitcake, and it is actually pretty good. As far as the inflatable version goes -- as a gift, no, but as a part of your Christmas table's centerpiece, why not? The worst that can happen is that your drunken uncle Charlie will try to cut a slice and pop it.
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Lightning Reaction Electric Shock Game
Whoever thought this would be "fun," or even a "game," should head straight for therapy, or maybe a penal colony. It's a little like Simon Says, only instead of a buzzer telling you you're wrong, you get a painful jolt of electricity. Merry Christmas! It's hard to imagine marketing this contraption -- how would you make pain sound fun? Get this gift for someone else, but don't let them get you to play it with them.
Wow, This Shock Game Sure Is Fun!
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Super Soaker Oozinator Blaster
Water fight, anyone? No? Alright then, how about a super-fun slime fight? Because that's what you get when you whip out the Oozinator. Get ready for a wild time, running through the neighbors' yards, blasting out great goopy sprays of slippery chemical slime at your friends. And they had better be really good friends, because afterwards everyone's going to need to get straight into the shower.
The Oozinator In Action
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Adult Bunny Pajamas
Oh Lordy. These bunny PJ's might look cute on a kid, but who decided to make and market them for adults? Honestly, it's not cute or funny. It's just -- inappropriate. The dorky guy they got to model them surely doesn't help. Not even cool as a gag gift, and certainly not permissible as a Christmas present. So to my little brother -- don't even think about it.
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Play-Doh Doctor Drill 'n Fill
This toy literally makes my toes curl. I know there's nothing wrong with playing dentist, though I remember having a lot more fun playing doctor... Maybe it's the big brown holes in the big choppy teeth, but something about this is just wrong. Why would anyone want to relive the dentistry experience, from either side of the drill? This toy would make a nice companion gift to the "Play-Doh Fun-Time Colonoscopy Kit."
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Squirrel Underpants
Not as good as a squirrel wearing underpants (which would be pretty hard to wrap), these are still pretty choice. They might just be the last available gift for a person who truly has everything, and then getting them on the squirrel is their problem, not yours. Coming soon -- squirrel lingerie, just as small but infinitely more disturbing.
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Decapitated Teddy Bear Lamp
A laugh-out-loud piece of design tomfoolery. Where's Teddy's head? Hm. It's not under the lamp, and he's not wearing it for a hat. His head is just plain gone. Merry Christmas, baby -- I got you a teddy bear corpse lamp!
Now THIS Is a Crappy Gift
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Plop Card Game
An card game based entirely on poo! What a great stocking stuffer! Little ones who still believe in Santa will be hard-pressed to explain why the jolly old elf decided to leave them a stack of cards entirely devoted to descriptions of turds. Goes way beyond coal, doesn't it? I don't know -- maybe Santa's mad because you left him substandard cookies and milk.
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Doggy USB Hump Drive - Er, I mean, JUMP drive...
Not much to say about this little gem. Inappropriate? Yep. Tasteless? You bet. Kinda cute and funny? Well...
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Dexter Thumb Drive
It had to happen: a thumb drive in the form of a realistic decapitated thumb. But why does it have to be an "official" Dexter decapitated thumb? Dexter is, after all, a hit cable series about a serial killer. Does he have to have his own line of sawn-off body parts? Ruin somebody's Christmas by putting this item, unwrapped, in the toe of their stocking...
The Worst Twelve Days of Christmas
Ok, this is actually pretty awesome, maybe because it's awful on purpose. How can you not love a book that includes the repeated phrase, "and a stinky baby messing with the tree"? Bright and funny illustrations accompany this raucous re-telling, or re-singing, of the traditional Christmas carol.
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Nothing
Guess what you're getting for Christmas, dear -- NOTHING. That's nothing, as in an empty plastic sphere with a cool and admittedly funny label. "The perfect gift for the person who has everything" -- true, maybe, but if I come down on Christmas morning and Nothing is in my stocking, then Something unpleasant is going to happen.
The Gift of NOTHING
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Motorized Rolling Pin
More prank than product, the real payoff of the motorized rolling pin is the box -- nonsensical testimonials and descriptions that add up to pretty funny gag gift. There's even a little filler to give it weight, and it's hard to open. Put it all together and you've got -- hilarity? Maybe, but you could also wind up with tears of frustration, which, after all, is on exactly no-one's Christmas wish list.
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: Root Beer Flavored Vodka
I have never tasted this, so I suppose I could be wrong, but then again I have never tasted run-off from an artificial sweetener factory, and I'm pretty sure it's awful, too. So how awful is root beer flavored vodka? One reviewer summed up this concoction thusly: "I tried these recipes. My overwhelming response to each one of them was 'Why?' or better yet 'What were they thinking?' My guess -- not much. Not much at all.
The Worst Christmas Gifts Ever: McDonald's Drive-Thru Play Set
If you dream of hearing your young child ask "would you like fries with that?" over and over, then this toy is for you. Working the drive-up window of your local Mickey-D's may be in your child's future (or maybe, like me, it's in your past), but creating a toy to get them in that mind-set at the age of five seems just a little, I don't know, sinister. And no, I do not want fries with that.