ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Yuletide Yuk Yuks

Updated on February 2, 2013

WELCOME TO HAPPY HOLIDAY HUMOR

Tis the season to be jolly, so quit complaining, crying boo hoo or yelling bah humbug (especially if it's blazing hot, the mosquitoes are biting, and you're up the creek without a paddle)!

Just smack your lips, waggle your tongue, and fill your blessed boots with some Yuletide Yuk Yuks or some Santa sillyness for the other 364 days a year!

If that doesn't work, try a light-hearted libation and keep the Spirit of Snicker flowing!

____________

Image Credit: Crescent Hill Designs at flickr.com

Santa was sick of sidestepping issues and tired of tiptoeing through the tulips... - But frankly dear readers, exactly what was he supposed to do?

"Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck,

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the North Pole

were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better hire more than just reindeer.

So Dancer and Prancer, Comet and Cupid

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and that really looked stupid!

The runners were removed from Santa's fine sleigh;

And the struts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

Some people had started to call for the cops

When they heard funny noises on their rooftops.

And second-hand smoke from his pipe left workers quite frightened.

And his fur trimmed red suit was deemed "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose.

He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer took off with his wife,

Who knew she'd had quite enough of this strife.

She joined a self-help group, and became quite a whiz,

Demanding from now on to be called just "Ms."

And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion

That making a choice could cause this commotion.

Nothing of leather, and nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;

He just couldn't figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,

But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, and every hue,

Everyone, everywhere...yes even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth,

May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

____________

Image Credit: Santa Joy Boy - monkeyworks.files.wordpress.com - 2009 12

Script Credit: Unknown

HARK...WHAT THE HECK IS THAT HALO DOING AT THE TOP OF THE TREE?

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were

scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

_____________

Image Credit: Angel Halo Cartoon- www.layoutsparks.com

WHAT DOES SANTA DO THE OTHER 364 DAYS A YEAR?

WHAT DOES SANTA DO TO KEEP HIMSELF BUSY THE OTHER 364 DAYS A YEAR?

See results

He don't look like no red-nosed reindeer to me!

He don't look like no red-nosed reindeer to me!
He don't look like no red-nosed reindeer to me!

CRABBY CHRISTMAS CAROLS FROM YOU KNOW WHO!

"Crabby Christmas Carols" are exactly what Maxine, (that Moxie Maven of Mirth and Goddess of Gripe) had in mind this holiday.

If she could get out of her contract with Hallmark Cards for one day, long enough to enjoy a hot cider, hot cocoa, and hot flashes, she'd probably tell us her favorite hymns for the holidays:

"Deck the Halls With Sows and Brollies" -- An ode to bumbershoots, the best weapons of mass destruction around especially when used to whomp some sense into the heads of wicked whippersnappers, and to my favorite animal, "the hog"!

"The Twelve Days of Catastrophic Christmas" -- It's about time someone told those leaping Lords where they can go, not to stuffing a sock in those patronizing pipers piping, and finally sending that pouting partridge in the pear tree back to the pet shop from whence it came!

Frosty the Frigging Snowman -- Frankly anyone who has two eyes of coal, a carrot for a nose, and a godawful grin on his face is not my idea of a playmate!

POTTY POLL FOR PUCKISH PEOPLE

Who is Sinterklass?

See results

'TIS THE SNICKER SEASON!

Happy Cruelty Day!: Daily Celebrations of Quiet Desperation
Happy Cruelty Day!: Daily Celebrations of Quiet Desperation

Desperate times call for desperate books...a bit of black humor for the holidays!

 
Christmas Curiosities: Odd, Dark, and Forgotten Christmas
Christmas Curiosities: Odd, Dark, and Forgotten Christmas

Terrific tales of weird and wacky days of Christmas past -- sure to delight readers of all ages!

 

HOLIDAY HUMOR MATTERS

Crazy Carols for the Christmas-Challenged

According to "Humor Matters", the top ten Christmas Carols for the psychologically-challenged include:

1. "Do You Hear What I Hear" - Schizophrenia

2. "We Three Kings Disoriented Are" - Multiple Personality

3. "I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas" - Dementia

4. "Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)" - Narcisstic

5. "Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me" - Paranoia

6. "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why" - Personality Disorder

7. "Silent Anhedonia. Holy Anhedonia. All is calm. All is Pretty Lonely" - Depresssion

8. "Thoughts of Roasting On An Open Fire" - Borderline Personality

9. "Silent Night" - Passive/Aggressive

10. "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...(you get the idea)" - Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

______________

Image Credit: Grim Natwick illustration - dreamslikethat.blogspot.com/sntatuba.jpg

HO HO HO ALL YOU HOLIDAY HUMBUGS!

Remember the time you received that flashing Christmas tree sweater from Granny, those houndstooth slippers from your long-lost English cousin Samantha Tooting-Beck, or that bizarre book entitled, "Arresting Disclosures. A Report on the Strange Findings in Undergarments Washed with Soap and Water, and Popularly Supposed to be Clean, Fresh and Wholesome", (a token of affection from the four-legged furry feline in your home that goes by the name of "SnitFit")?

Fear not, for there is finally something you can do with all these misfit, misbegotten, or misunderstood gifts of good cheer.

The "Regifting" ritual is now quite fashionable, though it often goes by different names. So when the winter blahs and blues are getting you down, it may be time to organize a White Elephant Party or an "Ugly Christmas Sweater Affair". Send out your funky invitations to family members, friends, and perhaps even a foe or two asking them to join you in unloading all those unloved "Gifts from the Grinch" on others at your post-holiday hullabaloo.

Think of it as a simply superb opportunity to honor all the "holiday humbugs", "penny-pinchers" and "chic cheapskates" in our life and a marvellous way to celebrate "the gifts that keep on giving"! Besides it's a great way to display a curious collection of godawful goodies that can be exchanged with oodles of glee, tea (or a tankard if you prefer), and smarmy sympathy.

Remember if you're going to "regift", make sure you take the time to sort through all your holiday gifts to decide what you really want, like, and need. The remainder go to charity, the flea market and those to whom you wish to pass along the spirit of serendipity. Hint: Make sure the giftees possess a funnybone with which to enjoy your delightful dud!

AND NOW A WORD FROM THE RAUCOUS REINDEER

Everyone knows that it's Santa's reindeers who bear the brunt of all the hard work on December 24th. You know, those beasts of burden that pull his sleigh around every year through sleet and snow, desert dust storms and the odd flood or two to deliver tons of toys to good little girls and boys.

For those of you who can't recall their names, let alone hold a tune here goes: Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Blizten and the one with the red-nose, "Rudoloph".

What few people know is what they're chatting about as they fly through the air on Christmas Eve.

Thanks to a super-sensitive digital voice recorder tucked away in the sleigh installed by the Christmas Grinch...here's what the reindeers really have to say:

Dasher: "Marathons aren't my style; I prefer to hit the homes and run. But Santa takes his sweet time climbing down those chimneys so now I have to cool my hoofs...which is why I'm not in a festive mood!!!"

Dancer: "The only thing that gets me through this arduous night is being able to operate a profitable Arthur Murray franchise the other 364 days of the year!"

Prancer: "Of course I like to gad about, I mean this is the only chance I get to strut my hot stuff all around the globe without any backseat comments!"

Donner: "Look Santa, I don't give a flying fig what you think -- I'm not shaving off my fur next year just to make the sleigh go faster!"

Vixen: "Just because I'm the only female reindeer on this team doesn't mean Santa's an equal-opportunity employer."

Comet: "Look officer, I was only doing the speed of light...it was the other klutzy cosmic critters who were slowing me down!"

Cupid: "I've got enough to do on Valentine's day...how come I have to do this gruelling gig every year?"

Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed Reindeer: "Whoa there fellas, I need a break -- think I'll have another nip from St. Nick's flask...I'm sure he won't mind!"

THE ONE AND ONLY "ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS"!

Silly Santa Shoppe

Gund Santa Hand Puppet
Gund Santa Hand Puppet

Who says you can't put fidgety fingers to work and get Santa to do whatever you want him to do?

 
Talking Naughty Farting Santa Doll
Talking Naughty Farting Santa Doll

Anyone you know who deserves a flatulent fast-talking Santa surprise?

 
101 Questions about Santa Claus
101 Questions about Santa Claus

The is the definitive if not delightful guide to that weird whiskered winter wunderkin who lives at the North Pole and delivers all manner of goodies to guys and gals one night a year.

 

JEST-IN-TIME JONES SODAS!

The folks at Jones Soda, (the U.S.-based purveyor of funky-flavored fizzy water) certainly know how to package a little punch when it comes to the ho-ho-ho holiday season!

Last year's silly seasonal pack included "Green Pea", "Sweet Potato", "Dinner Roll", "Turkey & Gravy", and "Antiacid" sparkling sodas.

And 2005 was no slouch season for silly sodas either judging from the laughable lineup including: "Salmon Pate", "Broccoli Casserole", "Corn on the Cob", "Turkey & Gravy", and "Pecan Pie".

What would the festive season be without a bit of prickly punch to wash down a dashing duck, a gourmet goose or a plucked pigeon?

This year's thrills for the thirsty theologically-neutral include: "Sugar Plum", "Egg Nog", "Christmas Tree" and "Christmas Ham".

Hanukkah holiday celebrations can now enjoy kosher-contents including caffeine free fizzies with such lovely labels as "Jelly Donut", "Apple Sauce", "Chocolate Coins" and "Latkes Sodas".

_______________

Image Credit: ozarkreflections.com/2007-jones-soda-christmas-pack-1.jpg

THE TRUE DEFINITION OF CHRISTMAS

"Christmas (n.) A day set apart and consecrated to gluttony, drunkenness, maudlin sentiment, gift-taking, public dullness and domestic behaviour."

____________

From: Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (An irreverent word book of cynical and sardonic wit).

_________

Image Credit: Liz Lomax at flickr.com

GREETINGS COME WITH A GUARANTEE OF GIGGLES

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere.

And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

____________

Image Credit: Gillian MacLeod@flickr.com

RUDOLPH-THE-RED-NOSED REINDEER REMARKS - Feel free to leave a happy holiday greetings from snickering Santa or the Abominable Person of Snow if you wish!

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      inkserotica 5 years ago

      Blessed for the 'yuletide' Angel quest! :D Extensive and very informative lens. Marry Xmas to you and your family x

    • CrossCreations profile image

      Carolan Ross 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      love love love this lens! so uniquely NON traditional and LOL funny!

    • jfield profile image

      jfield 8 years ago

      Very funny stuff! I've added you to my link list on Alternative Christmas Trees. Thanks!

    • profile image

      Dizzyboy 8 years ago

      Great lens!

      I like the jokes you have here. Add a link to your lens on my lens here.

      http://www.squidoo.com/christmas-jokes

    • Dynomoose LM profile image

      Dynomoose LM 9 years ago

      Great lens!

      I would love to have you include my smart-assed Christmas Cafe Press designs!

      http://www.cafepress.com/dynomoose/4079135

    • Roving Band profile image

      Roving Band 9 years ago

      A big smile for the holidays - how delightful! It's great to be in the "Best Christmas Ever Group" with you!

    • aka-rms profile image

      Robin S 9 years ago from USA

      Ho Ho HO Thanks I needed a few laughs today! And thank for this fine addition to the Best Christmas Ever Group!