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Today was no different than any other day. I woke up, ate breakfast, took my depression medication, and was once again late for job I don't even want. I live my life in a rut. It's the routine I have adjusted to since my falling apart. I was in one relationship through most of high school. She was my life and the reason I tried to do well in life. We dated for five whole years straight out of high school. With every intention to get married and to have a family, my life was set in stone and I couldn't have been happier. It quickly unraveled right before me and there was nothing I could've done to prevent it.
I didn't know what was happening to me to be honest. Over the course of our relationship, we both had closed off family and friends. We only had each other. I was overwhelmed with helplessness and a sense of darkness loomed over my head. I tried to handle it alone, but all I could hear was my dad echo in the back of my head.
" Man up", he would always say, " You don't have time to be depressed."
As the days continued, I figured the pain would ease and I would start to let go. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I started to have suicidal thoughts and as the suffering continued, I started to devise a plan. I waited until she went to work and went to the medicine cabinet. I grabbed everything I could. I gave each pill a reason why I wasn't worth anything. One pill turned into five and that turned into ten. I kept going until there was no way possible for me to continue. Over the course of six hours, I consumed over thirty painkillers. Now, it was a waiting game.
The hours passed by like a turtle crossing the freeway. I laid there just thinking of what death was like. I knew, however, that the pain was going to get much worse before it went away. I didn't care though. At least I could see the end with death. If I stayed alive, who knows how long I would have to live with that pain. The hours slipped by and I only felt dizzy and sleepy. I didn't feel the pain like most people warn you about. But then, out of the silence that filled the apartment, the door opened. She was home.
"Jesse," she called out.
I stayed silent. She found me lying on the floor with the empty bottles covering the ground around me.
" Oh my God," she shrieked. I knew she was scared but I didn't care. I begged her not to take me to the hospital. i just wanted to die. She wanted to help but I refused every offer and demand. After that everything went black.