10 Awesome Things You Can Do with a Big Cardboard Box
1. Cut window and door holes in it. Instant house!
The disadvantage is that your new home is rather small. The advantage is that you own it and will not have to spend the rest of your life working to pay it off.
When people ask you later how many homes you have, you can proudly say two, or three, depending on how many cardboard homes you have built. Do not tell them your homes are made of cardboard, though.
Later on, when a holiday weekend is coming up, invite them to come stay at one of your homes with you in order to participate in a variety of fun activities. When they show up at your box be sure to be a graceful host.
If they point out that your house is made of cardboard and is only big enough for one person, be sure to point out that they never asked you if your house was made of cardboard. Heal bruised relationship by offering to let them stay in cardboard box during future holiday weekend of their choosing.
2. Open-side up: Go for a boat ride!
Nothing soothes the soul like floating along on the open sea. Just push that baby in the water and jump in! Remember to bring an actual boat, too, because cardboard box will sink immediately.
If you don’t have an actual boat, do not despair. You can use your cardboard box to pretend to go sailing in your own living room or sanitarium cell. You don’t even need oars! You can forget about seasickness, bugs, and being eaten by a shark. It’s just you, the box, and limitless imaginary water.
Okay so maybe I'm wrong. . .
Who knew the navy had a sense of humor..Explicit lyrics.
3. Hide in the box, crouching, open side up.
When you hear someone coming close, jump up out of it and scream “Give me all your money!” This one only works if you scream in a convincingly angry voice.
This freaks me out.
4. Walk around your home with the box over your head so that you cannot see.
This is a great way to find out how well you know where everything is! For an extra challenge, walk up and down staircases or cross a busy intersection.
5. Open-side down: New kitchen table!
I don’t think I need to explain this. I will say that it makes a great gift. Be sure to surprise your friends or family by throwing out their old kitchen table and replacing it with your “new and improved” one.
Adult language alert.
6. Don’t have pants? Cut a hole the size of your waist in the bottom of the box. Then wear it! It’s just like pants, only better because it’s a box!
Resist the temptation to wear undergarments. When people ask you why you’re wearing a box, ask them why they are wearing pants and/or a dress. If they say that normal people wear pants and/or dresses, remind them that this country became great because of innovative thinkers like Thomas Edison and The Guy Who Invented the Thing that Lets You Hang All of Your Shoes on Your Closet Door.
If they further chastise you, inform them that you are not wearing underwear and threaten to defecate on their kitchen floor.
7. Call your friends and tell them to come over, because you have a big surprise. Then show them the box!
Your friends will be jealous of your big cardboard box. Be sure to take it with you if you have to use the bathroom so that they don’t steal it.
8. Invent a new sport or game!
Throw the Box!
This one is pretty straight-forward, and it can be played in any room in the house. Simply pick up the box and throw it. Whoever throws it the furthest wins.
If you are playing by yourself, try to beat your own distance. Bonus points are given for hitting stuff in your house. Remember, the more an object means to someone you love, the more points you get for hitting it. If something is considered “priceless,” such as your great aunts vase of ashes, and you break it via a legal box throw, you automatically win.
I Bet You Can’t Find Me When I Hide in the Box!
This is a variation of the timeless game “hide and seek.” The key factor here is that you don’t tell anyone that you’re hiding in the box. Clock your friends/family. How long does it take them to find you? Do not become discouraged if this takes several hours or even days. If they don’t find you then they probably don’t love you.
Kick the Box!
This one may sound more simple than it is. Proper technique here is paramount. Unlike “Throw the Box,” points are earned in this game by style, loudness of grunt, and aesthetically appealing destruction of box.
Be sure to play this game after you have already played all the other games, or else be prepared to find a new cardboard box.
How Long Can You Breathe in the Box when it is Sealed Airtight?
Probably the most tricky of all the games described here. This requires tenacity and follow-through. However, if done effectively and with enough flare, everyone will think you’re awesome. Remember not to die.
Hit Strangers with a Box!
Just as the name suggests, this involves hitting strangers with a box. Try to be creative. If you hit all the people in line at the post-office yesterday, don’t hit them again today. If you only hit defenseless elderly yesterday, steer towards small children today.
Remember to vary your angle of strike, in order to prevent arm fatigue. The intent should not be to hurt people, but don’t be afraid to laugh at them if they cry or ask you to stop hitting them with a big cardboard box.
Be the Michael Jordan of Cardboard Box Sports.
9. Ring neighbors’ doorbells, holding box. Ask them if they lost their box.
If they say “no,” become agitated. Tell them the box told you it belongs to them. If they still insist it’s not theirs, you can play a modified version of “Throw the Box” in which you throw the box at your neighbors and run away quickly.
If they “yes,” do not give them the box, because they are liars. It’s your box; you brought it over there.
Be the Michael Vick of Activies that Don't Involve Hurting Dogs
10. Keep stuff in it.
This one may seem obvious, but don’t overlook it. Think of all the great stuff you could put in that box! For example, a smaller box. Or maybe some of the shredded up pieces of another big box.
This concludes “10 Awesome Things You Can Do with a Big Cardboard Box.” By the way, you probably shouldn’t do some of these, particularly the ones that might lead to imprisonment and/or violent death.
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