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Five Celebrity Fights I Would Love to See
1. Howard Stern vs. Don Imus
Sure, Stern is a six-foot five-inch, 148-pound Gork and a self-described world class pussy, but there is no doubt if he locked horns with that nasty old fake cowboy racist jackass Don Imus, Stern would whip his ass. First of all, Imus's physique looks like a burlap sack full of crusty old cowshit. Secondly, he's about as agile as a jar of play-doh and the only thing weaker than his heart are his ratings.
Stern, on the other hand, purports to work out often and he meditates twice a day. He also keeps up socially and sexually with an energetic woman who is twenty years his junior. Plus, he seems to exhibit a hatred for Imus that rivals only Brad Wesley's disdain for Daulton in Roadhouse. I don't think Stern has ever been in a fight, but my money is on the satellite radio beanpole because I suspect the other guy might be already dead. I mean, look at him. Imus looks like three-week old roadkill.
Howie knocks him out with the first punch.
This Guy Needs a Beatin', Right?
2. Ryan Seacrest vs. Mike Tyson
This might seem like a mismatch. That's because it is.
You see, I hate Ryan Seacrest's guts. It drives me up the wall to sit by as Seacrest implements his plan to suck the last bit of soul out of American popular culture. Or am I the only one who notices that this guy is the Antichrist?
American Idol, Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
that crap celbrity worship shite he does, can't you people see that it's sucking the soul out of our country? I'm telling you. Ryan Seacrest is not the mild-mannered milquetoast master of ceremonies he portrays during the waking hours. He's the Prince of Darkness.
So I've decided to match him up against the craziest sonofabitch in the universe. Mr. Mike Tyson. This guy is batshit crazy. He'll do anything. And let's make the prize money complete relief from his $100,000,000 tax bill, but only if Seacrest leaves in a limo or a hearse. Put it in a steel cage, too. Noe that would be a show.
Prediction: Tyson KO in 1
Predcition: KO 1 (Seacrest funeral within 72 hours)
3. Hillary vs. Rudy
Admit it. You'd like to see this fight. If not in the boxing ring, then at least in the election arena. No other potential matchup between viable presidential candidates gets my blood up as much these two very tough, potentially very nasty people going head to head in what could be the most important and hotly contested presidential election since 1968.
This campaign will have it all. It will be mean and spirited and meanspirited; all of the things we supposedly want in our fast-food politics these days. And these two will shove it right down our throats.
That's what we want, isn't it? It's not like we wanna hear what they are going to do to stop the war, fix the sagging economy, or deal with the very real issues of immigration, health care, and unfair free trade agreements. No, we'd rather see a lowdown, dirty fight.
And I think Hillary beats him. It will be a war of attrition of course; a campaign heretofore unseen in skullduggery and character assassination, and the country won't reocver for four years. In other words, it will be just like the last two elections.
I think Hillary wins in a very close decision.
Academy Award Nominee Gary Busey
Academy Award Nomine Nick Nolte
4. Gary Busey v. Nick Nolte
I would pay $10,000 to see this. I mean, just look how nuts these two dudes look.
Busey's a bit younger and seems to be just slightly less bloodied up than Nolte.
But remember, Nick was in North Dallas Forty and he whipped a much fitter Eddie Murphy in 48 Hours.
But that was a long time ago. I think this is a quick, violent burst of action, with Busey gaining early control by taking down Nolte and pummeling him into semi-consciousness. Nick will manage a swift kick to the groin to temporarily gain the advantage. He'll lose it when Busey pulls a Mr. Joshua on his ass and finishes the beat down with series of devasting finishing moves and one final submission hold (maybe a choke hold he learned from LAPD).
Nick finally concedes in humiliation after 8 minutes.
5. Anne Coulter vs. Anne Coulter
Just lock her in a padded cell and pipe in an audio of Bill Clinton reading from his autobiography, My Life. I say Anne somehow gets herself in a chicken wing and renders herself unconscious within 90 seconds.