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10 Common but Strange Male Personality Types Explained

Updated on March 31, 2020
Kyler J Falk profile image

Gender issues never bothered me, until gender issues were forced down my throat.


Men are widely varying, oft-dangerous animals that are in need of closer examination and study. You may have encountered some of the variants of this creature I'm about to discuss today and were at a loss for words and ideas as to how to deal with them. Well worry no more, because I'm going to list the ten male personalities that I find to be the most common among men and how to handle said personalities. Let's dive into these offshoots of the male species.


Number 1: The Daredevil

By my standard, the daredevil is one of the most elusive of all male specimens. The daredevil is often mistaken for a peacocker, but the difference between him and the peacocker is his true love for danger and living on the edge. Running into this rare beauty isn't all that common unless you are into extreme sports or live in a trailer park, because the daredevil is usually only found on the race track, falling from the sky, charging massive waves, and setting himself on fire trying to break a world record just for fun.

Never, I repeat and emphasize, never tell the daredevil to stop living a dangerous lifestyle. His response will be somewhere along the lines of, "Oh yeah? Watch this!" as he plays Russian Roulette while wrestling a wild boar naked. Your best bet is to buy him a helmet, offer some elbow and knee pads, and pray that they come back alive.


Number 2: The Peacocker

The peacocker is easy to spot, as he will make sure you can spot him from one-hundred miles away. He is pretty, he is loud, he is charming, and most of all he is an egotist. Not to be confused with a daredevil, his idea of living on the edge is talking about how "bad-ass" he is while doing 80 in a 65, driving his mom's Prius. If you don't find him at the center of attention within the hookah lounge, look for him in the gym; he is the one who spends more time "stretching" in front of the mirror than he actually does exercising.

When it comes to reigning in the peacocker's ego, you need to stop throwing fuel on the fire. The peacocker hungers for your attention, so the more you deprive him of it the more he is going to sway to your desires. Be sure not to press them too far, however, if you do they might resent you or even worse try to emulate the daredevil and end up hurting themselves and you in the process.


Number 3: The Forum Finagler

We all know this guy, the one who seems to know every single meme ever made in the world, the one who spends ninety percent of his time posting memes and the other ten talking about pseudo-politics. He never has anything serious to say, about anything, and his ultimate goal is to upset you. Most commonly you'll see him defending his stance as moral and just against an onslaught of harassment accusations, and he even believes his behavior is for the betterment of all.

There is no better way to deal with the forum finagler than to ignore them; yes, it is that simple, just ignore the troll until it crawls back under its bridge. The forum finagler hates when he isn't acknowledged, and the only other way to rid yourself of them is to "outfinagle" them. One word responses that make the forum finagler openly question their own stance is enough to expose their true intentions, and thus have them disappear in embarrassment and/or frustration.


Number 4: The Bully

This organism from the male species isn't experienced by most, because they know how to camouflage themselves as kind-spirited quite well, when in truth they are predators laying in wait for unsuspecting prey. When no one else is watching, and an unsuspecting target is about to cross their path, the bully sees its chance to spring. Once the bully has sprung on its prey it usually looks something like putting their prey in a headlock, throwing them against a wall, or slapping something out of their hands.

The only way to fend off the bully is to put them in their place with their own bullying tactics. If the bully is more physical, pop them in the nose when no one is looking. If the bully is more mental, opting for emotional trauma, pop them in the nose when no one is looking. Either way, a good blow to the face is going to keep this scaredy-cat creature away from you forever, or at the very least earn you their respect and at that point you can help them change their ways.

(I don't encourage illegal violence. This is satire, people. Handle your problems accordingly and legally.)


Number 5: The Know-It-All

You can already hear it, can't you?

"Well, actually..." they always start out, just before you get an ear-full of information spanning back thousands of years and all the way to the present about the topic you are discussing. All because you said Cleopatra was pretty, when in reality she was said to be quite average and unremarkable in the looks department. This being is pretty self-explanatory, they know it all and won't hesitate to correct whatever you got wrong on any topic, even if they don't actually know what they're talking about.

The way to combat the know-it-all is to be just as smart, or comparably as cunning, as the know-it-all. Always make sure you know what you are talking about when the know-it-all is around, and if you aren't sure about what you are going to say then Google it. Google is your ultimate tool, the proverbial ace up your sleeve, and utilizing it against the know-it-all is your best bet more than ninety percent of the time.


Number 6: The Boomer

The boomer is their own worst enemy, and often proves it by taking part in conversation on the internet. Their obsession with generational differences is the telltale sign that you are dealing with a boomer. They think because they've been on earth longer than latter generations, that this somehow means they are owed respect when they can show none themselves. These are the types to reference satirical news sites for much of their information, share it as real, and then get upset when people point out that they're totally wrong.

Dealing with the boomer is simple, put them in a retirement home where they belong. Take away their access to the internet so they can't spread their ignorance and regression any longer. If that is not possible then wait out the rest of their lives quietly, it won't take long and interacting with them only makes them angrier with millenials no matter what generation you are from.


Number 7: The Chest to Chester

You'll spot this guy coming from a mile away by the wife beater, bandanna or flat bill hat, thin gold chains with a single cross charm around his neck, and the plethora of misspelled and low-quality tattoos that litter their body. That is to say, if you didn't spot him first as he pressed up against another man threatening to fight him over "looking at him funny". This oddity is always looking to square-up with someone, most often yelling as he rips his shirt off over an issue comparable to spilled milk.

The way I deal with this kind of person is warn them three times, clearly and loudly, to get away from me and to stop touching me. They rarely if ever heed the warnings, but luckily they have soft jaws, and after ensuring everyone around has heard you warn this guy go ahead and punch him in the mouth. If you wait too long to knock them out they will muster up the bravery to punch you, and after three warnings their chest shoving is assault anyways.

(Please don't actually go and assault people. Diplomacy is the best policy, and I don't encourage illegal violence. This is satire, people.)


Number 8: The Trench Coater

This is the guy that everyone in school wanted to avoid, the one who brought his Yu-Gi-Oh! or Pokemon cards in the pockets of his trench coat. You'll often hear him discussing physical violence in movies and video games with an unwarranted excitement and fervor, and when not discussing such things he is discussing his family's gun collection. The most common way to refer to this guy is as "the next mass shooter" and they do often give off that vibe, or even discuss performing such things hypothetically.

The trench coater is in need of your friendship, your understanding, and your acceptance. More often than not, they have lived and continue to live a very rough and lonely life with no good friends. When everyone around them is judging them, making them feel worse, you can be there to offer some light in their dark times and possibly avoid a very unfavorable outcome for everyone.


Number 9: The Picker and Flicker

I'm not sure how these beings come about in society, but they are there, the ones who cannot seem to stop picking their nose. Even worse is when you catch them flicking their boogers willy-nilly all over the room. Most commonly we see these guys as we drive, rolling their boogers in their fingers as their hand hangs out of their car window. More than once I've had a booger flicked straight to my windshield, and even watched as someone flicked a booger on a total stranger walking through the store.

If you ever have the displeasure of encountering one of these people, ask them if they are "digging for gold?" or even tell them "You better not flick or wipe that somewhere someone else will touch it!" That is usually enough to stop the behavior, at least temporarily.


Number 10: The Ogler

This is the most common of all the specimens we have touched on today, and is actually an offshoot of nearly every male in the world. We can catch this guy staring at your girlfriend, gawking at every woman who walks by, and sometimes even cat-calling. Females will experience this guy as the one who cannot stop staring at their breasts. This guy has the capability to make all of us men look bad.

The ogler is an easily defeated individual when it comes to men confronting him, all you have to do is ask if he sees anything he likes then strike a sensual pose for him. His insecurity with his sexuality will see him storm off upset, and it is rare that they will be further interested. However, females won't have it so easy because men are said to be "visual creatures" and unless you know you can kick his butt I'd say leave it to a male to confront the ogler. Typically they are harmless, so try to ignore them unless they go from ogler to stalker.

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Hope This Helps!

If you couldn't discern these personality types from the rest of the crowd, and/or did not know how to deal with them, well now I hope you can and do! There are so many different people in the world and I hope that you seek to accept and understand anyone who isn't out to hurt you. Just because someone is different, or strange, that doesn't mean they need to be wholly avoided or mistreated. Though this article is satirical and I don't want it to be taken one-hundred percent seriously, I do hope that you seek to be more aware of and inclusive toward the different personalities around you.


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