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Five Ways to Attract More Women
Like most straight white men in their twenties, a large part of my identity and self-worth is determined by the quality and quantity of the women I attract. If you're like me, you've spent years trying to figure out what will make women want you to no avail. Luckily for you, I'm a Life Scientist, and I've compiled a small portion of the research I've conducted throughout my career as a Studier of Humanity at the University of Life in Orlando, Florida (Class of 2013). Here are five proven ways to attract more women:
1. Wear more Yellow
If you've ever wondered why girls love Burt's Bees and Honey Nut Cheerios so much, it's not because of the delicious taste and heart-healthy whole grains. It all goes back to where women were first created: Hell. See, Hell was so hot that women's bodies became accustomed to the extremely high temperatures, and now they crave those temperatures on Earth (it's why they take such hot showers). The color yellow reminds them of the sun, which reminds them of the heat, which, inevitably, puts them "in heat" and attracts them to you. Basic Life Science.
2. Eat more Beans of Jelly
Most gym heads will tell you you're not getting enough protein, but what they won't tell you about are the insane benefits of the superfood "Jelly Beans". Hulk actor Lou Ferrigno famously ate six thousand beans of jelly per day in preparation for his role as the buff mutant. Most scientists know that the human body consists of about sixty-five percent water, eighteen percent carbon, ten percent hydrogen, and seven percent jelly. That seven percent jelly is what your muscles are made of, so therefore, when you eat jelly beans, they go straight to your muscles quicker and more effectively than protein. Again, pretty basic stuff here.
3. Join a Frat
It's been scientifically proven that women don't want a man who thinks for himself. They want a man who follows the pack and knows how to say at least three words in the Greek language. A recent study found that ninety-six percent of women prefer a man who has been involved in or been witness to an accidental death-by-hazing. And as if that weren't convincing enough, another study revealed that over ninety-eight percent of women prefer men who have unknowingly been part of a cult. Also, most frats offer free lifetime supplies of Greek Yogurt, which, while more difficult to "alter", is tastier and less suspicious than alcohol. That was a date rape joke.
4. Watch more Documentaries
One thing in life is certain: Watching documentaries makes you smarter. Everything I know, I learned from docs, and if you want to be as wise and as knowledgable as I am, that's your golden ticket. But that's only half the battle: You need to be telling people you're watching docs, so they know exactly how smart you are. If you can't tell me the name of the lead whale in Blackfish, you're not trying hard enough. Fact: Eighty-six percent of women prefer a man who has extensive knowledge of Making a Murderer, and ninety-nine percent of those women prefer a man who believes Steven Avery is innocent.
5. Use Axe Products
This one should be a given. If you've seen the Axe documentaries, you know exactly how powerful their products can be. Sure, there are a TON of conspiracy theorists out there who think the films are actually commercials, but I worked with the Axe boys at the U of Life, so I know the science behind it. What it boils down to is this: They combined a fart from Ryan Gosling (captured in a jar) with six ounces of Aqua Di Gio and a pinch of the infamously rare herb, Fuckboy's Tears. They then had the concoction blessed and baptized by a Catholic Priest, and thus, Axe was born. If that doesn't make you a believer, I don't know what will.
So there you have it: Five scientifically proven ways to attract more women. Years and years of research simplified into five, easy-to-understand paragraphs. But keep in mind, that's only a small portion of it: There's plenty more where that came from. My research never stops. I hope this helped you. Until next time.