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25 Ways to go to Prison (not recommended to anyone)

Updated on August 6, 2017
MattyJ9999 profile image

Matt is a computer scientist, software engineer, and entrepreneur with extensive experience in business and writing.

First of all..

I'd just like to say that I am not responsible for anyone doing anything listed here. This article is written purely for reasons of comedy and If anyone is actually stupid enough to replicate anything in this list then they probably deserve to go to jail anyway.. By reading this article you agree that you are responsible for your own actions.

Sexually Assault a Police Officer

Sure I could have said sexually assault someone, or I could have said assault a police officer, but if you do both at the same time you're dramatically increasing your chance of incarceration! All you have to do is run up to an officer and grab their junk! Wear silly clothes or face paint for added effect. A fair warning ahead of time your probably going to get beat down.. badly.... roll with it and you'll be wearing orange jumpers in no time!

Start a Fire

This one can be handled in so many different ways! There is an entire world of flammable objects out there just waiting to be lit up. You could start a forest fire, an old abandoned building, or your best friends dog! Make sure someone sees it happening though or the investigators may not be able to pin it on you. Remember the goal here is a nice hard prison bed with a large man demanding you be his bitch.

Sell drugs... and get Caught!

Don't sell yourself short! There are many different drugs that warrant counts of manslaughter if you are caught and convicted of selling them. Acid and Ecstacy are two of them but finding a drug dealer to obtain these may be difficult for the average person. Try manufacturing meth in your bathtub and selling it to your friends! Be warned that it's a good idea to get arrested before you either A)blow up your house B) gnaw your own skin off or C) lose all your teeth... Good luck!

Become a Prostitute!

This one is fun and easy! No puns intended here. You get the best of both worlds. Money and sex! YES!! Wear slutty clothes and make yourself easily visible and you'll be well on your way behind bars!

Combat Global Warming Effectively

Tired of waiting around for legislation to save the planet? Take matters into your own hands. Soak rags in gasoline and put them in the gas tank of every car you see. Light em' up and run away! You can also put sugar in their gas tanks too! Not only will you bring down green house gasses dramatically, but you'll bring the economy to a screeching hault at the same time! Way to go!

Grow a Massive Field of Weed

Im talking huge! Like at least an acres worth of pot. After your plants grow to a reasonable size tell all of your friends about it! If they don't manage to steal it all from you word will spread quickly and a concerned friend or family member will turn you over to the police. Make a jackass out of yourself in court for increased time!

Try Setting a Land Speed Record

Max out that old beast of yours! Sure, you could have a 15 year old rusted out boat sized vehicle, but if you put it to the floor you'll be shocked at its top speed! When the police pursue you, just keep going. A warning though, this one could be a little dangerous. The goal here is prison, not death. Keep that in mind!

Become a Shoplifting Professional

Normally the penalty for stealing is just a slap on the wrist and a small fine, so you really have to go big with this one. Try stealing a massive amount of big screen television sets from your local department store. When you have collected a living room full of them post a picture on facebook with you smiling with your prize. Make sure you have a public profile and you'll be well on your way to the county jail.

Travel to Singapore and Get Naked!

It is illegal to walk around your house naked in Singapore, so i'm assuming if you walk around in public naked there, you will get thrown in jail. I don't recommend anything on this list to anyone, but I especially do not recommend this. If you think jail in America sucks, you can bet your ass that jail in Singapore is similar to one of the seven circle's in hell. Say hi to Dante for me.

Don't Travel Anywhere, Just Get Naked!

You probably won't go to prison, but you'll definitely go to jail. Streak at a football, or baseball game. Streak at a political event. Streak down the mainstreet of your town. Make sure you get tackled and cuffed!

Acquire a Massive Amount of Pets and then Neglect them!

Peta will pretty much destroy you if you do this. Take in stray cats and dogs until your house is filled with them. By take them in, I mean you need to collect at least a hundred animals. Depending on the community you live in this is totally illegal. Spill some food on the floor and leave for a week. Call up Peta, the Humane Society, and the police department to brag about your accomplishment!

Sell Drugs to a Police Officer

That's right. Get a big ol' bag of weed, or basically any illegal substance you can find. Walk up to an officer in broad daylight and attempt to sell it to them. The chances of getting arrested are pretty high unless your run into a corrupt cop. Good luck!

Make a bomb!

There are plenty of ways to make a bomb! They are all over the internet! For real, go check it out! Make a big enough one and detonate it in a public place, and you'll be ready to go!

Go to Area 51

There are signs all over around the outside of the area that says the government can use lethal force if you enter the premise. This one is especially risky because you could get shot. Like, you could get shot A LOT. However, if you manage to not get shot and you make a big enough ass of yourself in front of the federal agents, they may just throw you into a terrorist prison and, you'll probably never be heard from again. That sounds like fun!

Help Liberate your Neighbors to the South and Fail!

Take a van down to Mexico and fill it up with locals, and empty promises of the land of opportunity. When you reach the boarder act ridiculous and stupid. Do a burnout and randomly cross into other peoples lanes. After violating traffic laws and being confronted by an officer, explain to them why you think that immigration laws are stupid. Tell them you don't care about the laws and that your getting across the boarder regardless of what they say.

Make Moonshine!

Make your own distilled alcohol and distribute it in front of your local Walmart! This is all types of illegal!

Pee on Someone

In order to increase jail time its best if you urinate on a high ranking official. If you can't manage to pee on the president, try a senator or congressman. Do it in public for bonus points!

Deface Public Property

Write something lewd on the statue in the public square. Do it during broad daylight during a public event. Shoot paint balls at all the local stop and yield signs. Be creative! The sky is the limit with this one!!

Pick a fight... with anyone!

Depending on whom you choose you could get severely injured in the process of this one. Pick a local cage fighter if you're into self torture. Pick an old woman if you want to take the easy way out!

Defecate on the Mayors Lawn

In my article, 25 Things You Can Do While You're Pooping, I didn't mention this. It doesn't have to necessarily be the Mayor's lawn, but we're looking to make as many people angry as possible. Angry people equals public outcry, equals more jail time. Drop your drawers, and take a large steamy dump. Save up for a few days for the maximum effect, and then brag about it to everyone you know.

Masturbate... in Public!

This one has wrong written all over it and doesn't need to be explained at all... Go for it!

Lie in Court

After swearing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, proceed to lie about absolutely everything. I'm pretty sure this will do the trick.

Yell "I have a bomb" on an airplane

Even if you don't have a bomb, this will definitely get you some hard time. Bonus points if you do!

Don't go to the Bank...

Make your own money! That's right! Find a way to print a massive amount of fake money and use as much of it as you possibly can.. go to town with this one!

Sleep with the Police Chiefs Daughter

Yeah, this one doesn't sound that bad at first, BUT you have to make sure that his daughter is fourteen years old, you film it, you have aids, she's drunk, also a virgin, you do it in public, in front of her dad, while under the influence of ecstacy, acid, cocaine, mushrooms, marijuana, crack, pcp, AND shortly after robbing a bank.. thank you!

© 2010 MattyJ9999


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    • profile image

      13 months ago

      I came here kinda depressed, leaving in laughter, thanks man!

    • profile image


      13 months ago

      all this doesn't work in my country (Nigeria)

    • profile image


      15 months ago

      This would be a better article if there were links attached to people that actually committed these crimes! (With the exception of marijuana because it is illy to get in trouble for growing medicine UNLESS it’s on BLM property of course)

    • profile image

      jack erwin 

      16 months ago

      thanks going to rob a bank!!!!!!!!!

    • Frances Metcalfe profile image

      Frances Metcalfe 

      23 months ago from The Limousin, France

      Just imported cocaine in the seat of my wheechair but was shopped by my carer. Ah well..

    • LeslieAdrienne profile image

      Leslie A. Shields 

      2 years ago from Georgia

      Too funny.... You should write, "25 reasons to read my hubs". I be it would be hysterical... and, may get you some traffic

      following you....

    • profile image


      3 years ago

      I love your posts dude.

    • profile image


      3 years ago

      I burned down a building ( a hospital ) thnx for your advice and I'm home free with no jail time!!!!!

    • profile image


      3 years ago

      I started a huge fire! Thx I burned down a hospital!!! Thnx very much!

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      thank u very much

    • profile image


      5 years ago


    • profile image


      5 years ago

      This is silly!

    • profile image


      5 years ago


    • profile image

      Thanks man 

      5 years ago

      You made my day also

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      omg the oddest website ever

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Completely Amusing!

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      im gonna go try the last one. thanks for the great ideas. ive been trying to go to jail for three months. :) ;) im so excited to finally be able to go to jail now i can get my phd for free.

    • profile image

      Grossed out Pissed guy 

      7 years ago

      WTF YOU MOFO lol jk

      This is kinda funny

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Thank you so much! Just made my day :P


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