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27 Year Old Mother Looks 57: Looking twice your age

Updated on March 12, 2013
How to have a good OLD time, the OLD fashion way.
How to have a good OLD time, the OLD fashion way. | Source

If you are like any other normal person, when you were a kid you too wanted to grow up fast and have all the fun adults have. Some people never finish this phase and all their lives they want to be older than they really are. If you are one of those people, such as fathers and mothers who are 27 but want to look 57, search no more. There are many ways to accomplish that objective. Here we outline some simple steps to look twice (or MORE!) as old as you really are:

1- Spend as much time in the sun as possible and never put on any protection. Skin protection is for wusses and cowards. Only real men (and women) can bare their skin to the full power of Sun's UV rays and brag about it. Get fully cooked. That's how one should do it. Oh yeah.

2- Never moisturize. Moisturizers are a waste of time and money. It's just a myth that moisturizing does anything for your skin. Moisturizing means adding moisture to your skin. But 90 percent of human body is already made of water. How much more moisturizing is necessary? Do you moisturize water? No! By the same token you don't need to moisturize something that's naturally moisturized. What are you trying to do, make yourself 91% water?

3- Take up smoking. (See the link at the bottom of this hub about how to start smoking). People who smoke are smoking hot. Not only do you look really cool when you smoke, all that smoke darkens your skin and makes it leathery looking. Also, you get to cough a lot like old people and your teeth yellow and fall out which means you get to finally put to good use your dental insurance if you have any or your twin brother's if he has any. In short, smoking makes you age fast and allows you to get your wish.

4- Don't exfoliate! Benefits of exfoliation are only an ugly rumor some weird people called "dermatologists" have invented in order to sell products. Well, don't buy it. Exfoliation means getting rid of the surface layer of your skin, as though it's unnecessary. If it was unnecessary would you have had it there to begin with? No, genius! Anyone who says otherwise is obviously opposed to God and religion and everything that's good and decent about superstition and flaking skin. Conclusion: stay away from exfoliation. In fact, double down. Don't exfoliate. Refoliate. Also, for the record, "dermatologists" aren't real doctors. They are as much doctors as kids who play with toy cars are mechanics.

5- Eat whatever food you want, twice as much as you want. Let yourself go. When you let yourself go you get fat and your skin stretches. Nothing makes you look older than wrinkles on an overweight fat person (is there such a thing as underweight fat person?) So the more you eat the more grown up and stately you look. Besides, eating makes you feel good. As it's written in all scientific books such as 50 Shades of Gray, the number one priority for everyone should be to feel good. So, eat, be happy, and feel good. For motivation listen to James Brown:

James Brown feels good even when he feels bad

6- Don't eat veggies. Veggies suck. If veggies were good for you cows would live to be 1000 because all they eat is grass. But none of them lives past 20. Humans eat all-beef patty hamburgers and live to be 100. So who's eating right, them or humans? That's right, bovines. Y'all just go right on eating grass. Leaves more meat for the rest of us. In conclusion: veggies bad, greasy burgers good.

7- Apply lots of chemicals to your skin. Nothing ruins and ages your skin better than chemicals. Apply to your skin whatever chemical you get your fickle fingers on. Do not hold back. Apply mercury, lead paint, cheap make-up, corrosive solvents, industrial waste, salty water, used motor oil, wholesome asbestos, nuclear by-products, pictures of John Malcovich, strong bug spray... The more toxic, rancid, putrid chemicals you apply the faster you age.

8- Hate your life. Nothing gives you more wrinkles (except some of the other suggestions here) than being unhappy and miserable. Get into lots of fights with people. If you are lucky you'll get beaten and bruised which will help you age even faster. Besides, hate is empowering. Ask Darth Vader.

9- Don't sleep well. Science has shown that sleeping makes your skin last unnecessarily longer and look postmaturely young. So, stay up as much as you can, and when you do, make sure it's after a huge meal and a terrible movie so that you sleep poorly. The more poorly you sleep the less you want to sleep. Don't waste a lot of time sleeping when you can spend that valuable time smoking, eating, getting sunburned, chemically ruining your skin and being miserably unhappy.

10- Don't get regular check-ups. If you do, your doctor may find things wrong with you and force you to correct your ways, and who's he to tell you what the heck to do? What business is it of his to meddle in people's affairs? Do we go around telling doctors what to do? No! So, mind your business, Doctor, if that's your real name...

In short, following these simple steps you took can look 57 when you're only 27.

Ciao, old pruned bella!

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    • The Reminder profile image

      The Reminder 4 years ago from Canada

      Funny hub! I once saw a documentary where a teenager was stuck in a 35 year old woman body. She had a rare disease that would make her body grow much faster than any other person andnow her life is ruined. Now she can't date guys of the same age and can't go to school without being criticized.

    • RonHawk profile image
      Author

      Ron Hawkins 4 years ago from California, United States

      Thank you, Reminder!

      That's actually sad. There is an even more devastating premature aging disease called progeria that causes kids to age at an extremely fast rate and die very young. The disease is a death sentence in slow motion and is caused by a single mutation in the gene. Those are tragic cases, unpreventable and not the fault of the stricken. Obviously they are no laughing matter. What I do find a bit of a laughing matter is when people age prematurely through choice, such as excessive tanning and sun exposure, smoking, and general abuse of the body.

    • profile image

      gelmemoryfoam 4 years ago

      I love your new thoughtful and welcomed approach!

    • RonHawk profile image
      Author

      Ron Hawkins 4 years ago from California, United States

      Thank you Gelmemoryfoam... What a nice welcome!

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